Tossing his keys and mail down on the table inside his apartment door, he toes his shoes off before he pads down the hall to his lockbox, focused on locking his service weapon away safely for the night. Once he's locked the box back up and closed the cabinet drawer he keeps it in, his mind turns to finding something filling yet quick and easy to fix for his dinner since he's starving, Almost absent-mindedly he scoops the stack of envelopes mixed with catalogues and sales papers back up, carrying it with him to the kitchen.
As his frozen dinner is heating up in the microwave a mere two minutes later, he mentally rejoices that it's the beginning of their first weekend off all month, even as he idly shuffles through the variety of envelopes in his hand. Not expecting anything beyond the monthly statements he prefers to have a hard copy of and offers for internet and cable service and such that are more nuisance than necessary, he flips through almost haphazardly, tossing everything but the envelopes to the side as he slides a glance over to the timer on his meal. Setting the mail aside, he begins to clean up, tossing the frozen dinner box and the plastic that had covered the dinner tray in the trash and wiping down the counter. Pouring himself a glass of sparkling water, he pauses to think on his free night; or what's left of it.
A few microwave beeps later, his frozen entre is hot and ready. Picking up his glass, he carries his dinner to the comfy couch in the living room space where he sets his dinner down to pick up the remote and turn the television on. Settling comfortably on the couch, he digs into his dinner, barely listening to the evening news as his thoughts quickly turn to his steady girlfriend with whom he's having a wonderful and hopefully permanent relationship.
With a rueful stubborn shake of his head, he mentally chides himself. He's not ready to call it a 'permanent' relationship. Oh, he loves her, he knows that. But he's not 'there' where he's ready to admit it to her. After the string of failures in his love life over the years, he's bound and determined that this time, the team won't hear about her until he's good and ready to tell them and that won't happen until he's feeling secure in her feelings and consequently, the possible future of their relationship. Maybe if they ever make it to getting engaged and planning on spending the rest of their lives together, he'll be ready to tell the team. In the meantime, he's happy to have the privacy of no team involvement or knowledge while it lasts.
Having been burned too many times to count, he's extra cautious with labels like 'serious', 'permanent' and 'love' now since he's taken the time to do some deep soul searching and come to the realization that his heart has the propensity to take huge out of proportion leaps into that whirlpool of emotions the minute any serious label crosses his lips on their way to the current woman in his life. So long as he keeps his labels to himself, his heart is safe and he has room to work on building things stronger before screwing things up for either of them by actually putting a label on it.
With the heart breaking experiences of having nearly drowned in more than one such overly-invested relationship that really wasn't – he refuses to think or plan the course of this one beyond day to day.
He recalls with a smile, that they have a date for tomorrow night, as a matter of fact. He's taking her to the opera; something he's not overly fond of, but will happily escort her to, since meeting her half-way in their array of likes and dislikes is not beyond his grasp of understanding in how things should be in a normal budding relationship.
In fact, he's surprising her with a limo ride and cozy – but not too cozy dinner afterwards since he doesn't want to scare her away. He hopes it will add some more spark to their relationship, maybe keep her guessing just enough that she doesn't get bored or become too complacent.
He can see she's been falling, albeit slowly and carefully, in love with him as he has with her; at least he hopes that's what he's been seeing. And although she's never said a word, he finds himself hopeful that this time will be different; this time it will be real and permanent and his heart won't get trampled and crushed, but become treasured and loved
He can admit to himself though, that he'd be very happy to make a life with her; very happy indeed. He's even had more than one day dream on that very idea. He closes his eyes and thinks back to how they'd met nearly seven months ago.
***Flashback***
February 24, 2012
It's frigid outside and to escape the bitter wind that makes it worse, he ducks inside the bookstore he frequents on his off hours, trying to stay current on new literary work and fiction that's similar to his own published work. Blowing into his hands to warm them up, he glances right away at the section that houses his own titles, just to see if anyone's even interested, something he usually does when he comes to this small, yet well-known establishment,
Mr. Brown, the proprietor smiles at him and waves to him from the back of the store where he's busy ringing up a customer. Tim returns the wave and walks over to the shelf that houses his Thom E. Gemcity novel. He's noticed a pretty young lady perusing a novel, though he can't make out which one she's holding open in her hands. Always polite, he excuses himself as he steps around her and is pleasantly surprised when she looks up at him and smiles; does a double-take and flips the book in her hands closed to the photo on the back cover. He smiles since he knows what's coming next and she doesn't disappoint.
"You're…"
"Yes." He readily admits with his own engaging smile, although still humble, "Guilty as charged."
With her gorgous green eyes, he considers her very pretty with her shoulder length mane of brunette wavy curls that shines like the sun and wire-rimmed glasses that actually give her the appearance of sophistication. She has a stocky build that looks good on her and her clothes accentuate her positive features well with her loosely fitting shirt that is two inches longer than her waist and jeans that though snug, don't give the appearance of being too tight. All in all, she's very attractive in a non 'barbie doll' sort of way.
The look of fascination on her face is unmistakable and it's not long before they're sitting together in the armchairs provided for a cosy read, talking quietly about his characters and how he created them. As they converse, he can't help but notice she wears no ring and her ring finger bears no sign of ever having worn one.
His heart silently rejoices at that slice of hope. She's given no outward signs of being anything but comfortable with him as she agrees now to join him for coffee.
***End Flashback***
Coffee that night had been just the beginning. From that moment, they seemed to have become friends as well as mutually attracted to each other. They've been dating for almost six months now and while part of his mind scolds him daily that the time has long passed where he should have introduced Renee to the team, the cautious side of him, refuses to put himself out there for the ridicule, scrutiny and daily harassment. It's a risk he'd decided to take, not telling them and it's one he'd stand by no matter the crap that came from it later. The privacy of not having to answer endless questions or field insurmountable mountains of advice, both good and bad, was too precious a commodity to give up.
He's satisfied that this decision has saved her the heavy smothering, be it good or bad, by the team, as well. No, the more he thinks on it, the more he's convinced keep this part of his private life private, was a good choice. But he's getting ready to come clean and in fact, he's looking forward to it. Soon. He's just not sure when.
Finishing his dinner and drink, he takes the dishes back to the kitchen and sets them in the sink, making sure to submerge them in rinse water before turning and picking the mail back up, no longer interested in what's on the television since the news has gone off. Returning to his comfortable couch, he sits back down and begins flipping more slowly through the unsolicited offers for schooling and items he doesn't need. As he flips the next to last envelope forward, he's shocked into stillness at the sight he'd missed the first time through the stack.
There, next to the bottom of the pile was a media mail envelope, the size of a compact disc, addressed to him, in feminine penmanship; a familiar one that draws his heart up to his throat as he recognizes it.
He isn't expecting anything from her and had spoken to her just last night. She was staying out of town with some friends tonight and he was due to pick her up from the airport on their way to the opera tomorrow night. So then, what could this possibly be about?
Getting to his feet, he takes the yet unopened envelope to his desktop computer and takes the plunge. Ripping it open with a trepidation that would have Tony calling him a girl, he slowly breathes out as he pulls the case with the cd in it out and stares at it. He doesn't like what he sees and his heart seems to break a bit more as he can only stare at the words written in bold black letters on the disk inside the see –through case. Dear Tim.
****NCIS****
Countless hours later and powerless to move enough to shut it down, he can only stare at the computer screen, the heart-breaking sounds of Renee's unique 'Dear John' letter filling the room for the umpteenth time.
Wish I could be the one,
the one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you that I'll always stay with you
But baby, that's not me
You need someone
Willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever
Baby, that's something I can't do
Oh, I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye
I hope someday you can find someway to understand
I'm only doing this for you
I don't really wanna go but deep in my heart I know
This is the kindest thing to do
You'll find someone
Will be the one that I could never be
Who'll give you something better
Than the love you'll find with me
Oh, I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye
Leaving someone
When you love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as I love you
Oh, I don't wanna leave you
Baby, it tears me up inside
But I'll never be the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye
Baby, it's never gonna work out
I love you, goodbye.
Banging on his apartment wall by his obviously irritated neighbor pulls Tim from his stupor enough that he kills the sound on his computer. As silent tears slip down his face, his mind shouts out one thought before any other.
So this is what it feels like!
***FINIS***
'I Love You, Goodbye' - Celine Dion