story time! there was this girl who wanted to escape america. She rode her dragon there after she stole it from her minotaur godparents who were actually half pharaoh. she was pregnant with a pregnant baby and she needed a shower but when she put on her shower cap, it covered her eyes and she ended up smashing her head against the wall, destroying it. She landed on top of the empire state building, proceeding to wow the tourists with her mad was then shanked by a hobo who just wanted to be loved and offered to further her escape to america in a boat. however she became seasick and that was when she realized that he was an emetophiliac ship captain
While on their journey to Eastern Ukraine, the captain proceeded to have a highly inappropriate orgy with all of the fish. All of the fish of the ocean. All of sudden, the girl, Kanyenka West, gave birth to her pregnant baby, which itself gave birth to another pregnant baby, which gave birth to an owl-wizard The owl-wizard flew off to NYC to become a vigilante pop-star
Tired of this mundane existence, it went back in time and met it's great-great-grandmother. And impregnated her. And she gave birth to George Bush Jr. who when he was born ate a five dollar foot long from Subway and then lit a cigarette and began to say "This is CNN" and Larry King made it his mission to exterminate him, but then he was hit by a bus that came through the window and he realized before his death that he was dreaming when his totem didn't stop spinning
Kanyenka, untroubled by these silly proceedings, drew a light cycle from her pocket. Except it wasn't a light cycle. It was a light boat. Because water. She got away from the fish orgy by zoom zooming away real fast. Away to the motherland. The stalwart fish-f*cking captain, Emmanuelle Watson, threw his hands up in the air and yelled "U R MYNE I WIL FIND U N U WIL B MI WYFE N ALSO I AM A VAMPYRE N ALL MI KREW R VAMPYRES N U WIL BE MYNE" Suddenly, from the deep emerged a giant squid, on top of which was Alan Moore, clad in fatigues, a leather jacket, and jesus sandles. With an almighty yell Alan Moore raised his fists and a lazer few from his beard, smiting the captain where he stood. Why? Because he owed Moore $50 bucks from a power game ten years before, and had tried to run. And NO ONE cheated Moore. Then the squid ate the boat and sunk back into the deeps, taking Moore with him since Moore ruled the Lost City of Atlantis. All this was observed by the homeless man who just wanted to be loved.
The homeless mans name is Kori. who became a voice over artist for nbc and offered to marry Kanyeka so she could have a good life and citizenshio to the planet purple. They were married by Norlof, the nekrowizard of purple who pointed his staff at the sky and screamed "BRAKALAHALAM!" and lighting filled the purple skies of purple and thus, they were wed. She had a change of heart, however, and decided to betray her purple and burn their eyelids with the rod of a thousand suns. They died because they couldn't sleep and proceeded to curse her existence in their death rattles. She then flew to the planet Transsexual Transylvania to kill everyone there as well. Because that's how she rolls. Meanwhile her daughter, grandaughter, great grandaughter and the owl wizard scowered both earths looking for her, before encountering several cactuars with daown's syndrome. Back on Transexual Transylvania a very gay asian wizard (who wears rainbow leather pants and sparky eye make up) rides up to Kanyeka on a Minotuar. He offers to grant her three wishes.
"But first, you must guess my name", he said, hoping she wouldn't notice that in sheer vanity he had plastered his name all over Transexual Transylvania - all over the walls, all over the floors and doors, and while she wasn't looking, all over her. She had to peel it off by touching one of her nails and ripping it off and thus the vanitywent away but ended up taking the form of a giant vanity monster that was an exact replica of her except for the size Meanwhile, the daughter, the granddaughter, and the owl wizard has to totally confront those cactuars and junk. They said that they would point her to Kanyenka, but there was a catch. One cactuar always lies, one always tells the truth, and one stabs people who ask tricky questions. THEY DID ASK THE CACTUARS THREE IF THE WHERE WAS THE WHERE ABOUTS OF THE MOTHER OF THEM OF THEM ANCESTOR WHERE WAS SHE OF NAME KANYENKA
The owl-wizard was instantly pissed off with the cactuars' shitty ass english and attacked them. He started with the first one by throwing acid in her face and she went down hard. Then he summoned a fire poker and beat the next cactuars to death. Finally he tourtured the last one by breaking her fingers until she told him where the daughter and grandaughter's mother was. When she told him, he broke her neck and threw her into a pit of aids infected needles. Then he and the girls (the daughter of which was a cross dresser) borded a kickass rocket.
America was their destination. But which America, they did not know. All this travelling to and from alternate Americas was all rather confusing, and they argued amongst themselves as to which America to go to. "I know which one", a bellowing voice echoed. Out of the shadows emerged Kori, with freshly bloodied shiv. He was wearing a clownsuit. Kanyeka was very happy to finally see the man of his dreams materialize from the shadows of her life. She knew and hoped that this man could make all her dreams come true if she asked. However, before she could even ask, he said: "No, what I do is that I tell three bad jokes and that's that"
Meanwhile, in the cosmos, the great lord Cthulhu did battle with a giant T-Rex equipped with a jetpack somewhere in the vicinity of the Betelgeuse system. They fought and fought until their limbs grew weary. At that point, they decided to make a pact. A pact to head to Earth and any other planets in order to do one thing and one thing only: Destroy all owl wizards everywhere. MEANWHILE, on the home planet of the owl wizards, the chief owl wizard president, Katy Perry, lowered his head into the great cauldron of knowledge and learned of this plot. THIS WILL NOT DO, he exclaimed
So Katy Perry sent out an army of all the owl-wizard to stop chuthulu and a t-rex. "F*CK", exclaimed Kori in his most bellowy manner. "My pshycic senseness is telling me there's a war of epicmost blblical proportions developing throughout the cosmos! There's only one answer to this most peril threat...!"
"POPCORN!" screamed the master wizard owl of the alternate animated earth and proceeded to spit fire out of his beak into the corn fields of the animated world that turned into 3D popcorn that ended up killing people who were watching that particular animated film at the time in a theater. Meanwhile, a man screamed "I DID IT! I SAVED FILM FROM HELL!"
Kori proceeded to transform into his superhero alter-ego, Shanking Man!, and flew towards the ever raging battle between the owl wizard and Cthulhu and the T-Rex with the jetpack. He brought with him his shiniest shanks with which to shank them. When he got to the battlefield, he proceeded to yell, "They may take our land! But they will never take our...!
Kori did all of this to the tune of Party All The Time by Eddie Murphy. But then, suddenly, a thing happened which caused them all to AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and then AAAAAAAAAAA. Suddenly, in an alternate demention far far away, a scary blonde girl named Sienna appeared behind a guy name Billingston and beat his head in with a clawed hammer because he was a lazy bum who didn't contribute to story where they were telling...She then produced to raid his fridge for food and still all the valuable in the house. Meanwhile, as the plot proceeded towards the meta universe, Will Ferrel heard all the narration in his mind. Like, for real this time. He assumed it was some kind of prank by some somewhat devoted Stranger than Fiction fans, but the voice was genuinely in, like in the centre of, his head. He was very confused.
He was so confused he changed his name to Confucious. And began to practice the art of Cung-fu-sion, in which you kick's someone's ass up until the point of confusion. Will Ferrel flew into space with his new found powers in the hopes to join Shanking Man and the Owl Wizards in their epic battle. However, when he arrived there, he found that everyone had been killed in the never ending onslaught. This came as a rude shock, like having to pay a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM machine. Will Ferrel had to continue on a separate quest, as all of his allies had been slaughtered.
Will Ferrel lost his footing whilst walking along the cosmic shores, and fell into a small smoky chamber. Ahead he spied a lake surrounded by hooded figures, all of whom were chanting AAAAAA AA AAAAA AAAAAA. Cthulu rose from the depths of the lake and said HELLO. Will Ferrel instantly died from hearing the almighty voice of Cthulu. Mean while back on Transexual Transylvania Kenyeka noticed the asian wizard's name. "Zuzu!" she answered and the gay wizard pursed his lips. "Fine" he snapped, reapplying some of his glitter make up. "I won't eat your heart...for now. So make your wishes...and be careful what you wish for."
Meanwhile, the original owl wizard looked around at all the chaos and destruction. It broke his little magic owl heart, and he cried a human tear. "MY PARENTS ARE DEEEAAAAAAAADDDDD", it squarked, and went back in time hoping some careful impregnation would solve everything. It didn't. Meanwhile, Kanyeka was so tired of all this mad max bullshit she decided to stop in Mexico to eat some ice cream, however, she was surrounded by a gang of children carrying ak-47s and she was forced to eat them in order to survive. She put them on a plate and cut them with a knife and fork
Kanyeka relished the experience as she was secretly very Jeffrey Dahmer-esque. However, she didn't want anyone discovering her secret shame. In order to accomplish this effectively she began to meticulously draw the blueprints for the end of the world. To accomplish this hefty feat, she would open a portal to another dimension, a dimension where Hipsters were the norm and Collins were the ones who were regularly berated under a blanket term. But to do this she had to collect five golden keys scattered across the globe. Which she did. Then everyone on Earth died.
With all of the humans on earth dead, the animals flourished. Without the evil capitalist opression of the American people, the raccoons evolved into a race of lawyers and doctors...and owl wizards who had the ability to time travel. "See, isn't that fancy? How the story operates in an endless loop, where nothing is the beginning and nothing is the end?" said Kori, explaining the situation moments before he died. "Ohhh, I get it now" pondered Kanyeka's pregnant baby, secretly resenting the fact that anyone and everyone with a keyboard thinks they're Kurt f*cking Vonnegut.
And the owls said:poot-tweet-tweet. So then they joined up with the Tralfamadorians in order to bitch slap Cthulhu to eternal hell. They traveled there on a battleship of their own design, with its own disco and everything. But then it hit an iceberg. Jack Owl Wizard did not survive, but Rose Owl Wizard did and swore to get revenge. Rose Owl Wizard then was on her way to the supermarket to buy some revenge when a owl named doctor owl in a blue box came over and she hung out with him for a while traveling through time and space and then she died and she was replaced with martha owl wizard. Which is a very regrettable chapter indeed, so we'll skip right by that. Somewhere, in a land where no-one's even heard of owl wizards, a cop couldn't believe his eyes when he saw the massive bridge in front of him completely collapse: an apt emotion, for it was the Suspension Bridge of Disbelief. And with it came down the tower of check your brain at the door, so now all the brains in the world were turned on creating a massive brain wave that rendered all life outside of earth lifeless
The cop was Bruce Willis so he decided to be bad-ass and alter reality. He took out his laser pistol whip gun and proceeded to shatter dimensions, all while screaming, "", really loudly. This aroused the attention of the local suburbanites who were quickly turned into Marmalade eating giraffes due to the dimension shift. Turns out, though, that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time. A large hairy scottish bagpipe player named Billie The Piper then hopped onto his motorised scooter and threw burgers at murderers
Billie the Piper was out-bagpiped by her lifelong rival, Amy of the Pond, who was genuinely from Flotland. With that, Billie drew her samurai sword and stood in a menacing pose. And Billie also took out her shotgun nd shot al pacino repeatedly in a rainy, dark alley. She left, laughing. But then Al Pacino got up and screaming, he teared off his clothes to reveal he was wearing a bulletproof vest while "I luv it" by Young Jeezy was playing close by from some giant speakers
And then everyone died because Armageddon starring Bruce Willis. Except, in this version, they didn't succeed in blowing up the asteroid because they weren't astronauts. They were oil drillers.
boom
BP were not able to apologise for the oil drilling armageddon as all life was extinct.
Afterword 2: Night -
Laughing,
Lego colored game - Levels (all night) - Black, dizzy - Green, funny - Yellow, bad.
3D game. Stages, into the kitchen. Nick is fat, started first, ended last.
Pulsating "electrified" feeling. Each pulse strobe light, slow motion. Pain down spine
Can't feel brain, need to "massage" it. Muscle Spasms. Nick said lower level - Brown (floor). Was subsequently pulled down involuntarily. Tragic but funny.
Lego colors turn to beadwork flowers, etc. in room. 3D effect.
Blood was cold.
7/! Pizza bad idea
Will continue later. NOT SPAM. LEAVE HERE FOR TOMORROW. Don't FORget. SHSSHSHSSSSHHHHHHHHH