A/N: This is a simple parody of the "procrastinations of parody" Monty Python sketch where Eric Idle and Graham Chapman (in drag) read a whole list of synonyms with the word "predict" while discussing astrology. For a little added fun, I made all of the Mutant names and the animal names into their (mostly plural) German counterparts, because I happen to like German, but I'm not fluent enough in it to write the whole fan fiction that way. English meanings for the German words are at the end of this story for those who are interested. This is something I'm been dreaming of writing for a while. I hope some people like this.
German words are in italics.
Disclaimer: I do not own ThunderCats or Monty Python. Chapman, Cleese, Idle, Palin, Jones, and Gilliam own Python, and Warner Bros. owns ThunderCats.
Morning dawned again on Third Earth. The Mutants of Plun-Darr were getting up and preparing for the day. Schleim was usually the earliest riser, because he didn't fail to notice that all the other Mutants tended to be lazy, especially Affenmann and Schakalmann. But as Schleim came out to get a drink of bottled water to drink, he saw Geiermann sitting in his own seat, with a cup of iced tea by his side and a datapad in his hand.
"Well, look who decided to get up to enjoy the day's latest carrion! Yessss?" he said sarcastically.
"Caw! Good morning to you too, Schleim," said Geiermann. "But anyway, I don't know what's good about it. My right arm is hanging off something awful! Cawwww!"
"Well, you're the scientist," said Schleim, "You should know how to have that seen to, or you should have Rattaro see to it. You know he's the only Mutant who cares about you, yessss?"
"What? Rattaro?" exclaimed Geiermann, "He's killed more of his so-called patients than I've had severe bruises from the ThunderCats!"
Schleim settled in his seat with his water and said, "What about die Tiere? What do you know about them today?"
Geiermann thought about it and said, "Well, Affenmann says bust them early, but Schakalmann-"
"No! Die Tiere that make up the Mutants of Plun-Darr, you feather-brained heap of Vogel catarrh!" Schleim exclaimed. "Die Tiere! Vögel! Säugetiere! Die Reptilien! Die Amphibien! Der Fisch! Die Insekten! Die Spinnentiere! What does your bloody datapad have to say about die Kreaturen, die Adler, die Bären, die Enten, die Gänse,-"
"And this is where you at home can join in," a disembodied voice said as a screen lowered from the ceiling, and Geiermann pointed to each animal word with a stick as Schleim read them off.
"-die Affen, die Schlangen, die Elefanten, die Hunde, die Kojoten, die Dingos, die Schakale, die Eidechsen, die Geier, die Raben, die Nagetiere, die Ratten, die Gorillas, die Orang-Utans, die Frösche, die Tigerhaie! Yessss?"
"I don't know, Schleim. Cawwww!" said Geiermann, putting down the pointer as the screen returned to the ceiling.
"Well what are you?" Schleim demanded, snatching the datapad.
"Ich bin ein Vogel," said Geiermann.
Exasperated, Schleim said, "I know you're ein Vogel, bird beak! You have to be more specific than that!"
"Caw! You know what I am, Schleim! Ich bin ein Geier!" said Geiermann with his arms crossed.
"No, more specific than that, Vogel catarrh!" repeated Schleim angrily.
Geiermann sighed. "All right, Lämmergeier!" he said, to keep the peace.
Finally satisfied, Schleim settled in to read the entry about Lämmergeier Mutants. "Lämmergeier, the bearded vulture. Must mean you're supposed to have a beard, Geiermann. Too bad. You must have plucked all of them out!"
"Well, what does it say?" asked Geiermann, not interested in drawing out a conversation about his missing "beard."
Schleim read, "He has green scaly skin, and a soft yellow underbelly with a series of fin-like ridges running down your spine and back."
Geiermann looked surprised and shocked. Schleim continued.
"Although lizard-like in shape, you can grow anything up to thirty feet in length, with huge teeth that can bite off great rocks and trees. You inhabit arid subtropical areas and wear spectacles."
"Caw!" said Geiermann, "That sounds a lot more like you, Schleim. But it's very good about the spectacles."
"Interesting, yessss?" said Schleim.
"Yes, cawwww!" said Geiermann. "What about you? What's yours, Schleim?"
"Die Eidechsen," said Schleim.
"I'm sorry, what's yours, die Eidechsen?"
"No! That's what I am, eine Eidechse!" said Schliem loudly.
"But what have to be more spec-" started Geiermann.
"No, I don't!" yelled Schleim, "Lämmergeier, Orang-Utan, Golden Schakal, Eidechse. I'm a mix of all Eidechsen."
"Oh, all right," Geiermann submitted. "Well, what does it say?"
Schleim read, "You have green scaly skin and a series of yellow underbellies running down your spine and back-"
"Caw! That's exactly the same, although it does fit you better than it does me!" said Geiermann.
"Then try another one," said Schleim, handing the datapad back to Geiermann, "What about die Katzen?"
"That's just another name for the ThunderCats," complained Geiermann.
"I know that, feather brain!" roared Schleim, "What does the pad have to say about the ThunderCats, already?"
"Oh fine," said Geiermann, and he began to read. "Oh, it says, 'A wonderful day is ahead for the Mutants of Plun-Darr. They will be surrounded by friends and foes. Tigro will drop in for lunch, and make Affenmann monkey around. An hour later, MiniKit and MiniKat will play games with Schakalmann on their Space Boards and his SkyCutter. In the evening, Geparda will outrun the NoseDiver, and she will make Schleim sing the blues for the umpteenth time. Before they go to bed, Mumion the Ever-Living will come and declare his undying contempt for them."
"Eeeeehhh!" both Mutants agreed on how ghastly that was. Schleim asked, "What else is there, Geiermann?"
"Oh, that's very good," said Geiermann, "They will have their next lunch with the lowest quality food they have, due to a food shortage caused by Leo's taking back the food the Mutants plundered from the Wollo and Bolkin villages. In the afternoon, they will die. They will be buried in the Desert of Sinking Sands-"
At that moment, who should appear but Geiermann's favorite Mutant partner, General Rattaro, from out of nowhere. It was as if he had floated down through the ceiling.
"Good morning, my wretched soldiers," he said with a false, toothy grin.
"Good morning, Rattaro," the other Mutants said.
"And how's your arm this morning, Geiermann?" Rattaro asked der Vogel Mutant.
"Caw, it's still hanging off at the shoulder," Geiermann replied.
"Good, well, let's have a look at it, shall we?" said Rattaro, and he started to open a little black bag. Well, he tried to. He kept trying to, complaining obscenely the whole time.
"Damn this little bag! Damn it, this thing! Damn this bloody little bag! If there's one thing I hate about being a General, it's this wretched, bloody little bag! OH, DAMN THIS BLOODY LITTLE BAG! DAMN THIS!" He started smashing furniture all over the bag. Schleim and Geiermann just sat there with blank expressions, as if this sort of thing always happened. "Damn you wretched, little bag!" he concluded his complaining as he used the Rat's Eye from his twin daggers to break the lock off the bag.
"Right!" he said, as he put the bag on a table and opened it. Inside, he tossed some gold and silver coins around, and then he found a stethoscope.
"What's that doing in there? Ugh!" He tossed it out a window.
Affenmann, who was on patrol duty, was hit on the shoulder by it. "Hoo, hoo! WOO, WOO!" he exclaimed in alarm and flung the stethoscope off of him like it was a slimy worm.
Rattaro put on a pair of gloves and pointed one of his daggers at Geiermann. "Hand over the gold."
Geiermann started, and then he got up and put the Mutants' small fortune of gold, which was inside a big cartridge, into Rattaro's bag.
"Come on, all of it!" said die Ratte Mutant impatiently.
Geiermann reluctantly took a picture of a safe off the wall, revealing a real safe. He used the right combination on it, and opened it, and eine Eidechse hand passed out another cartridge of gold, which the one Mutant handed to the other.
"Good, that seems to be okay," said Rattaro, "Now I'll just test your reflexes." He opened his coat for a second.
"BAAAAAHHH!" shrieked the two Mutants.
Rattaro closed it again. "Good, that's also okay," he said, "I'll see you next week. Try not to spend too much on food."
"Thank you, General," said Geiermann.
Rattaro rose through the ceiling again, and, well...
Fade-out.
Interlude
A live image of a seashore appeared, with the waves crashing against some rocks and flowing over the beach. Apparently, the tide was coming in. About twenty silent seconds pass, with the only sounds being the natural sounds of the beach. Then, a man in a Conquistador costume walks out onto the shore, carrying a rapier in his hand. His costume was complete with helmet, armor, leggings, tunic, and light shoes.
He smiled at the camera and said, "Uh, I'm sorry about the, uh, the, uh, the pause. Only I'm afraid the sketch is a couple minutes short this week. You know, the shows aren't as, uh, as long as they ought to be." He took a long look out at the ocean, and turned back and said, "Beautiful, isn't it?"
Not knowing what else to say, he walked out of camera range. For another twenty seconds or so, the ocean waves continue to crash against the rocks. Then, the "Conquistador" came back out onto the beach.
"Look, there's not really a great deal of a point to this," he said, "You're all sort of hanging on at your end, because I'm afraid there aren't any more, uh, jokes, or anything." He waited a moment, and then he shrugged, and walked off-camera again. The view of the sea goes on a little longer, and then...
Another fade-out.
THE END
Translations of German ThunderCat, Mutant, and Animal names:
Schleim - Slithe
Geiermann - Vultureman
Affenmann - Monkian
Schakalmann - Jackalman
Rattaro - Ratar-O
Mumion - Mumm-Ra
Leo - Lion-O
Tigro - Tygra
Jago - Jaga
Pantro - Panthro
Geparda - Cheetara
MiniKit and MiniKat - WilyKit and WilyKat
Schnuff - Snarf
Die Tiere - the animals
Vogel, Vögel - bird, birds
Säugetiere - mammals
Die Reptilien - the reptiles
Die Amphibien - the amphibians
Die Fisch - the fish
Die Insekten - the insects
Die Spinnentiere - the arachnids
Die Kreaturen - the creatures
Die Adler - the eagles
Die Bären - the bears
Die Enten - the ducks
Die Gänse - the geese
Die Affen - the apes, the monkeys
Die Schlangen - the snakes
Die Elefanten - the elephants
Die Hunde - the dogs
Die Kojoten - the coyotes
Die Dingos - the dingoes
Die Schakale - the jackals
Die Eidechsen - the lizards
Die Geier - the vultures
Die Raben - the ravens
Die Nagetiere - the rodents
Die Ratten - the rats
Die Gorillas - the gorillas
Die Orang-Utans - the orangutans
Die Frösche - the frogs
Die Tigerhaie - the tiger sharks
Die Katzen - the cats