Author's Note: Hey, everyone. This is my first fanfic posted for Twilight! --Celebrates-- I'll have other ones up soon, I promise, so if you like this, then know that I'm working on some more stuff, and it'll be coming up soon, I hope. --Crosses fingers-- Anyway, this isn't my first fanfic, and it's not even my first Twilight fanfic, but it's my first posted Twilight fanfic, and my second Twilight fanfic written. But I'm proud of it! I really hope I did Edward and Bella justice, ha ha. So I hope you all enjoy.
Summary: Bella finds a note addressed to her among the gifts Edward hid from her during their long separation. It contains a message Edward wanted her to know, but couldn't bring himself to tell her outright. What does Bella think as she reads all of this? And what about Edward?
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, related characters, anything related to Twilight, or anything else you may recognize. I am not Stephenie Meyer, I don't know her, nor am I associated with her in any way Cries I'm not making money off this, not trying to copyright anything... I own nothing, in short. Thanks for not suing me.
My Dearest Isabella
He was right. It was all there.
After bonding during our newly established "visiting hours," Edward would whisper his nightly promise to come back soon, and I would wait impatiently in my room for my own personal Greek God to spring through my window. He usually waited about an hour or so, just in case Charlie felt like living up to his fatherly duties and checking on me, and waiting nowadays was not the easiest thing in the world.
It hadn't been that long since everything slowly began falling back into place: Edward was back, and avoided leaving my side whenever he could; the rest of the Cullen family had moved back into their house (not that I had been out of my own to see it again); I started showing signs of life at school; people could now have conversations with me… In a nutshell, it was as though nothing had changed at all.
Oh, but how wrong a statement that is.
To say that nothing much had happened was like saying World War II was a mere skirmish. We were still in love. We loved each other with all fibers of our beings. It was still such an amazing, wonderful feeling, it really was. But the hole that haunted me for those long, excruciating months was only just healing. It still hurt when he left for that hour in the night, and when he dropped me off at home after school and I knew I wouldn't see him for three, maybe four more hours.
It was when he was away that I had my doubts. I needed to occupy myself, or my mind would fall back into uncertainty and worry. The questions would bombard me: What if he lies? What if he doesn't come back this time? What if we only have so much time together? What if this all happens again? How will I go on? What will I do? Can I really live through that hell a second time? Could anyone really expect me to endure more agony and torture?
When he was around, all I did was think about him, and that was perfectly fine. When he was away was a different story entirely. Thoughts of him while I was alone were not good. I would get terrible flashbacks from our mishap in Italy. Images from that dreadful night I was found in the forest would resurface. Breathing would be hard again. I was usually very composed by the time he returned, but if I wasn't… the pain in his eyes as he saw me would only makes things worse.
So, to avoid causing that hurt that I dreaded, I usually did homework, cleaned the house, tried getting Jacob on the phone, read a book- anything to keep my mind away from the not-so-pleasant memories that were still fresh in my head. But once in a while, it was not enough. When I had no homework, when Charlie decided to do the dishes for me, when I gave up on contacting Jake, or when I couldn't bear to read another page of Wuthering Heights again, I was lost. I'd try to think about the shopping trips Alice was dying to take me on. I'd think about how Angela offered to see a movie with me once I was free. I would try to think that once I was allowed out, I could go visit the rest of his family that I would soon be joining.
But when there was nothing more to think about, or when my mind strayed off the path I was desperately trying to follow, everything would come back, and more often than not I was reduced to tears and hyperventilation.
So tonight, as I finished up my Calculus, I tried to think of what else there was to be done. The house had to be spotless by now. I'd been cleaning like I had OCD all week, and Charlie might worry- being the worrying type- if I start re-cleaning everything. I finished up my book and looked at the clock: it was only ten. He wouldn't be here for another half hour, at most. I'd already pestered Billy enough that day. There had to be something I could do. I refused to sit there and have him come back to me sobbing over something that we could all put behind us now. I was more than willing to recreate everything previous to my eighteenth birthday, but it still hurt. It all needed time.
Everything was coming back. No, no, no… I told myself. My mind searched for something, anything, to read, to polish, to organize… I stared at the floor. I wished he were here. His lips would give me something to do…
I held my head as I remembered our conversation in this very room, where I had honestly thought that being graced by his presence meant that I was dead. Where he promised to be with me forever… That thought made breathing a bit easier. But everything following our talk leaked into my thoughts too. Putting my mortality up for a vote: I took this step to ensure that I'd always be with him. I wanted to be a vampire, to be like him, so we'd have all eternity to be hopelessly infatuated with one another. I'd be part of his family, and so much more to him… he couldn't leave me if I was so attached.
I would beg every chance I might get. I wanted this… I needed this.
More of that night came to me. Every word his perfect voice dictated, every small gesture he made to prove that he was really there was branded in my mind. After being away from him for so long, it was impossible to describe how good it felt to hear him, smell him, touch him… it was enthralling. Such a powerful word as that, though, could not do this feeling justice. It was a feeling I had all to myself. It was something there were no perfect words for.
A thought struck me. I remembered asking for the things he "took" from me, and he informed me that they were there all along. Under a floorboard, was it? I had… twenty-six minutes, according to the clock. I started searching for the board that would lead to my own personal treasure.
After a good twenty minutes of crawling around on the floor, I found it. Everything was all there. I took up his CD, the pictures, and the tickets in my hands. I started tearing up. I remembered this CD, though it had been ages since I'd played it. I'd given up on music for so long, but the things we truly love never really leave us. I loved his music, especially when he claimed I inspired his compositions. I loved the pictures I had taken of him, when he was still smiling as though he meant it. Lately it looked more forced, but I understood completely. This wasn't in any way easier for him than it was myself. In reality, it was probably much, much harder in thousands of different ways. I knew we'd all be fine in due time.
A small envelope fell out of the stack as I flipped through the pictures. In his perfect handwriting, my name had been gently inscribed on the outside. I hesitated to open it, not sure if I would like it or not. With a deep breath, I pulled out the note from Edward and read through the introductory line:
My Dearest Isabella,
I could feel my throat burn as I tried not to let the sob escape. But I was too weak to fight it off. It forced its way out and I struggled to keep my crying quiet. The last thing I needed was for Charlie to come in and find me bawling over all things Edward-related.
I trudged through the rest of it:
I'm hoping you find someone who is just as lucky as I was to revel in your beauty, your kindness, and your love. The days spent with you were the best of my existence, and I'm hoping you can find another gentleman who will realize the same and take good care of you.
You deserve to be happy, Bella. I don't want to take that away. It is your human right to pursue happiness, and I am not a human, nor can I continue to try and act like what I've done to you has made you happy, or that it ever will. I've only dug myself into a bottomless pit.
Don't be sad for our ending. It's a beginning. You'll go on to love another. When you do, still know you'll always be in my heart and in my thoughts. You will always be loved, Bella. A person as divine as you deserves that. I won't be selfish any longer. Be happy.
Forever Your Love,
Edward
I was wailing by the time I had finished it. The tears felt scalding hot as they glided down my cheeks, dripping off my chin and onto the letter that had caused all the pain in the first place: it was like a cycle, and a vicious one at that. How could simple words on paper cut such deep wounds in my soul, shred my heart to pieces? Vicious was a perfect word.
Before I could wipe the drops away with my hand, my abdomen chilled as freezing arms wound around my waist. I didn't look up from where I was now seated on his lap as he tucked my head under his chin.
It was silent, minus my attempts to keep breathing. I was still clutching the letter. I was tempted to throw it across the room, but that would mean putting him through more torture. He'd seen enough of how it had hurt me. I settled for carefully placing it next to the tickets and piece of the floor that had come up. It was still too quiet.
"I'm sorry you read that," he whispered. He sounded miserable. I could hear in his tone how he was mentally kicking himself.
I couldn't respond. I was still choking on my own strangled breath. I inhaled deeply and started to turn towards him. Once I was sitting facing east and he north, I stopped and looked down at my lap. I couldn't look at him. The pain would be there. I had to prove I was fine. I wanted his crooked smile back.
"E-Edward…" I croaked. My breathing was still ragged.
"Just breathe, it's alright. You don't have to say anything if you don't want. I'm fine."
I chanced a look at his face, and had to look away. The sorrow was evident. I felt guilty again that I had caused that look of complete anguish. I wanted to throw up, I felt so awful…
"I-I'm sorry," I managed. I felt his eyes on me, no doubt demanding an explanation.
"What do you have to be sorry for?"
"For making you see me like this. I didn't want to get upset, I just found-"
"Don't you dare apologize for any of this. It's my fault all of this happened. I'm the one who put you through so much danger, and then thought I'd be doing you a favor by leaving you. I made an awful mistake. I should have done everything differently…"
"Don't!" I whined. I hiccupped, and he traced soothing patterns on my back to calm me. "Don't be mad at yourself. I-I don't want that. I just want everything to be the same again. That's impossible, I know, but for the most p-part… you know what I mean. You were happy before. I want that ag-gain. That's all I want."
He sighed, and smiled half-heartedly. "How can I possibly feel anything but heartache as I sit here and watch you cry? It drives me mad, Bella. What I want is to take it all back, take it all away… but that, too, is impossible."
"Are you still blaming yourself?" I accused.
He chuckled a little, and then settled back into his somber mood. "What I did to you was cruel. How can you take me back?"
I shrugged. "How can I not take you back?"
"Thank you."
"You don't need to show your appreciation for me loving you." I smiled at him.
"But I do! You claim to be so upset that I seem sad, but you have no earthly idea how happy I am that you wish to love me again."
"Again? No, not again. It's a continuation of loving you. Don't ever think it stopped, even for a second." I took another deep breath. "It might have hurt, but I couldn't help it. I love you so very, very much… I wish you could see that I need you so badly, and that's why it hurts when you're not here."
He stayed quiet, but I didn't want silence. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad, but you never seem to understand that I need you with me always-"
He stopped my rambling by pressing his icy lips to mine. He pulled me closer to him, one of his hands brushing through my hair as his lips worked to make my body squirm with delight. Intense as it was, he was still gentle and almost hesitant. I fixed that, mixing in my own enthusiasm and passion. Feeling his lips curve into my favorite grin under mine was better than seeing it. My mind's eye envisioned it perfectly.
He broke off, his gold eyes piercing those of my own. He smiled a genuine smile. It made my heart swell. He held my chin up to keep me focused on his gaze. "I won't ever make the same mistake again. I promise you this. Will you believe me?"
"Of course."
"Will you promise not to worry about me leaving you?"
I struggled for the right words. "For a while, I'll still worry. But I know you'll stick to your promise, and soon I won't think twice about it when we're apart."
"We'll never be apart."
"Not if Charlie gets his way."
He laughed, and I smiled again. He had given me exactly what I wanted.
He picked me up and laid me on my bed. He kicked my unburied treasure back into the floor and slid the board back over it.
"I want my CD." Not a second after I had said it, he put it in my CD player and my lullaby filled the room. He joined me on my bed, forgetting the blanket he would normally put between us, and hugged me close to his frozen chest. I sighed. Everything felt so right again.
Neither of us was in the mood for conversation. I tried to fight my drooping eyelids again, for I didn't want to let his perfect image fade from my mind. But I knew he'd be there once I woke up. He promised he wouldn't leave me again, and I would believe his sincere, true words.
As if he sensed my struggling to decide, he whispered in my ear, "Sleep now, Bella," the same words I'd heard when he saved me from James a year or so ago. It always seemed to do the trick. I was quickly loosing consciousness, and my eyes closed completely. For a split second, the worry returned, but new confidence washed it away.
I fell into a peaceful dream while still wrapped in the safety of his arms.
A/N: I really hope you all enjoyed it! I was really proud of this one. Thanks to all my friends who read and enjoyed, and thanks to all of you who read and(/or) enjoyed. Ha ha, anyway, thanks so much. I'll have The Summer Adventures of Edward and Bella posted as soon as I can manage it. Thanks guys!