TOWARD MORNING

Chapter 1

"Dear Mother. Please forgive me for this, but I don't know any other way to say it. Because of what I've done, I have to resign from the bar. My letter of resignation is in the envelope with this note.

"I love you and will always be grateful for the love you, Audra, Nick and Heath have shown me throughout this nightmare, but I will also always live with the shame and the guilt of what I've done, despite what the jury found. I cannot find a way to live with it if I stay there at the ranch where I've known only love and kindness, when I cannot show that love and kindness to myself. Don't worry. I have no plans to harm myself or anyone else, only to find a way to live in peace with myself again. When I do, I will find my way home. Please post my letter to the bar. Until we meet again, all my love, Jarrod."

There was still time to send Nick and Heath after him, the way they'd gone after him when he left to find Cass Hyatt. But this was different. Cass Hyatt was dead now, and Jarrod had killed him. He had come home after a jury found him not guilty of murder, but clearly he could not live with that. Victoria knew she should have realized he couldn't, and that he'd probably leave them again because he couldn't.

And he had left, and no one had any idea where he'd gone.

XXXXXXXX

There was a place he could always go to ease his soul, his Island of the Sky, far away from noise and people and every distraction that kept him from working through whatever problem was bothering him. Funny, but no one ever found him there, even though they would be looking for him. There was a spot near the lake where he could tuck himself into a rock and hide if anyone came looking, but over the years, they stopped looking for him there. It was his place to think, his safe haven, the place where he kept his heart.

But no more. After what had happened there, after what had happened since, he knew he could never go there again. SHE would be there, and she would know what he had turned into. Not the man she loved. Some monster she didn't know. Some husband she never deserved.

Now, when he needed more than ever to be alone to work through everything that had happened to him over the past few weeks, he could not go to his Island of the Sky. He had to turn away from it. He had to turn in another direction.

He turned toward the mountains. He knew they would never think to look for him if he headed northeast, but it wasn't the direction that mattered. It was the solitude he knew lay up there. It was late spring. It had been a mild winter and the snows were almost gone even on the highest peaks. If anywhere or anything was calling to him, it was the mountains, off to the northeast, so he went that way.

He always liked the mountains, how they stood guard over the valley like giant sentries. That's how he thought of them when he was a boy. Maybe they really were guards of a sort, protecting him all these years. Maybe if he went up there, he could find out if that really was so. Maybe they could help protect him now, from himself.

He decided he'd had enough of the deep thinking. It was time to stop thinking completely, just keep looking at the high peaks ahead of him and moving toward them and toward whatever they would hold for him, until his mind sorted itself out, if it ever did.

He looked ahead. The sun was beginning to climb over the blue rock up there. The mountains were so beautiful.

XXXXXXXX

"Audra," Victoria called as she came in from the study and saw her daughter leaving.

Audra turned quickly at the sound of her voice. "Yes, Mother?"

"I've decided I would like to go with you to the Marshalls," she said. "I haven't seen them in a long time, and maybe we can both be of some help with the baby coming."

And it would be a good distraction, Audra knew. She smiled. "Wonderful. The buggy is ready, and I've had Silas pack some food for lunch."

"Let's go, then."

They had a pleasant ride into Stockton. They talked about babies and everything the Marshalls might be needing over the next few months. They talked about what a beautiful day it was turning into. They talked about the new calves in the herd and the two mares that were about to deliver. They talked about beauty and life and all the exciting things the near future was holding. They talked about everything but him.

When they arrived in town, Victoria was half hoping to see his horse hitched up somewhere, anywhere, but she wasn't surprised that it was nowhere. He would not have come here. There was a terrible pang to her heart when she saw the window of his office – "Jarrod Barkley, Counselor at Law," because she knew he wasn't there either, and never would be again.

"Audra, do you have Jarrod's letter?" she asked.

Audra saw the window of his office too and was already reaching to the inside pocket of her riding jacket. She pulled it out. "It's right here."

She gave it to her mother. Victoria pointed toward the Post Office. "Drop me off and I'll post this, and then I'll walk to the Marshalls' house and meet you there."

"Are you sure, Mother? I can wait."

Victoria smiled, a slightly forced smile. "No, it's such a beautiful day. I'd really like a bit of a walk."

"All right," Audra smiled and pulled the buggy to a halt by the Post Office.

Victoria climbed out and Audra drove on alone. When she went into the Post Office, Victoria found there was another customer being waited on, so she took her place to wait her turn, looking around. Everything was so normal, so much like it always was here. It was both settling and unsettling, to see life go on as it should. Sometimes she wondered how it possibly could ever do that again.

Her turn at the window came and she recognized a man just a bit younger than Jarrod, someone she had watched grow up here in Stockton. With a smile, she said, "Good morning, Allen."

"Good morning, Mrs. Barkley," he replied with a smile. "It's good to see you again."

Victoria hesitated. Until now, she hadn't fully appreciated what this letter meant – the end of her son's career, the end of his very life at least as he knew it. Did sending this letter mean he would never come home again? She almost didn't do it, but it was what Jarrod had asked of her. She gave the clerk the letter. "I'd like to send this."

He looked at it. "All right."

Victoria had change in her reticule and gave him the amount for the postage. Suddenly their eyes accidentally met, and suddenly it was so awkward.

"I've heard all about your troubles, Mrs. Barkley," he said quietly. "I'm so sorry."

"Thank you, Allen," she said.

"If there's anything I can do…"

It was the polite thing to say in society, even if there was nothing you could do, even if you really didn't mean it. Victoria gave the polite, but in this case the true, answer. "Thank you, Allen. We'll get through this. It'll just take time."

He nodded and smiled a little, silent smile.

Victoria left the Post Office and began to walk to the Marshalls' house, two streets off the main street and about a quarter mile toward the east part of town. She wordlessly greeted many men who tipped their hats and women who slightly bowed, but she did not run into anyone she knew well, and she was happy for that. She wanted to enjoy the morning, the polite society of people she knew only casually, the normalcy of life.

Then she overheard a man she didn't know say to another, "Barkley's mother – big, powerful Barkleys, she got her son off that murder charge in Rimfire when the whole town saw him do it."

Her step stuttered a moment, and then she turned around and glared. The men caught the look on her face, and they wandered away like puppies with their tails between their legs. Victoria watched them, caught them looking back at her once or twice. They finally ducked into a saloon.

Victoria knew there was no avoiding hearing this sort of thing from some people. It was her own reaction that mattered, nothing else. And her children's when they heard it – she'd have to talk to Nick especially because he would throw a punch. And Jarrod –

What would Jarrod do? Once she was certain he'd simply shrug it off, but now –

It was a moment before she kept going toward the Marshalls' home. Maybe this was the first time it settled in. Jarrod had murdered Cass Hyatt in cold blood. Jarrod had MURDERED Cass Hyatt in cold blood.

She shook the fact out of her head for now. She just couldn't deal with it.

When she reached the Marshalls' house, she found Neil Marshall helping Audra take the food out of the back of the buggy. She could hear Audra say, "There's enough here for all of us to have lunch and there should be enough left over for your dinner, so you won't have to worry with food again today."

"I can't thank you enough, Audra," Neil was saying.

Then they both saw Victoria approach.

"Hello, Mrs. Barkley," Neil said and bent his tall frame to kiss her on the cheek while not letting the lunch basket get in the way.

"Good morning, Neil," she said. "How is Catherine today?"

"Well, I was just telling Audra," he said. "Dr. Merar was here yesterday and put Catherine on bed rest until the baby comes."

"Oh? Is she all right?"

"She's fine, but big as a house, and the doctor wanted to be sure the baby didn't come too soon. He thinks possibly in two or three days, and he didn't think there would be any complications. He just wants to be safe, but I'm afraid I'm not really much of a housekeeper."

No, he was an accountant for the bank, not a house servant. But Victoria smiled. This was their first child. "You will learn, Neil. There are many things you will be learning over the next twenty years."

He sighed with a nervous laugh, and they all went into the house together.

Victoria went into the bedroom to see Catherine right away. She was immediately put at ease. Catherine was reclining comfortably in bed with a book, and she looked absolutely radiant. Her skin glowed and her eyes twinkled. She was going to be fine.

"Well, good morning," Victoria said as Catherine saw her, broke into a lovely smile, and put the book aside. Victoria sat in a chair next to the bed and took Catherine's hand. "How are you feeling?"

"Nervous, but wonderful," she said. "Thank you so much for coming."

"We're happy to come. It's wonderful to see the two of you so happy and well."

"I'm fine. The doctor just wants to be careful, so here I lie in bed until it's time for the baby to come. " She grabbed her large abdomen. "Oh! He kicked!"

"So you think it will be a boy?"

"I'm certain it will be a boy. He's been punching like a brawling cowboy for two weeks."

Victoria smiled. She remembered all her sons did the same thing to her, and Nick never did quit punching. "We've brought some food and we'll stay through lunch, and we'll make sure there is enough for you and Allen for dinner."

"That's so kind of you. I know – " She hesitated, but then went on. "I know how hard things have been for you lately."

Victoria nodded and said, "It will take some time, but we're getting back to normal again." Then she brightened. "But you and Neil will have to be getting used to an entirely new way of life."

"Oh, I know, but we're so excited."

Catherine went on, talking rapidly about the baby and all their plans for him, and for their new life and their beautiful future. Victoria could not wipe the smile from her face. It gave her such a warm and happy feeling, a feeling that life was wonderful, even when it had the rough spots it had to have.

It was a wonderful day.