Pyro Unflamed
A/N: This is my first full movie parody. After seeing Django Unchained at theatres, I've wondered how it would be like in an X-Men Evo style. This should cover all parts of the movie. Anyway, hope you like it!
Scene 1: A Good, Cold Evening
We open on a rocky desert trail in the Deep South in 1864 where a line of mutant slaves is being transported. One of them has marks on his back and has a flame thrower attached to his back. That is, our hero Pyro.
"All right! I get to be the main character! GO ME!" Pyro whooped for joy.
Jean, wearing a fitting director's hat and sitting in the director's chair smacked Pyro with a shoe "Shaddup. Start the title music"
Pyro! Pyro, have you always been a flame? Remy chorused as the slave trail carried onward on their journey
Pyro! Pyro, have you never burnt again? Once you burnt her, whoa-oh oh, it burns on, whoa-oh, though you cannot spend the day regretting. Gambit sang as the slaves walked through the forest
Pyro! Pyro, you must face another day. Pyro! Pyro, now your love life's gone to blaze. Once you loved her, whoa-oh, oh, but you've lost her forever Pyro Gambit continued singing as the slaves now traversed across a mountain
"Do I really have to wear this? It doesn't quite…fit my heritage" Kurt complained, dressed in his Schultz costume as he and Scott were in the backstage
"You'll do good, Kurt. Trust me when I say you have a lot of action scenes." Scott coaxed, trying to get Kurt motivated
"All right then, I'm convinced" Kurt complied, donning his Schultz hat before hopping onto his carriage, driven by Lancitty.
"Hey! Why am I in the back?! You said Kitty, not me!" Lance snapped, as he was in his panto-horse costume. Kitty, conveniently, was in the front
"It's just something to follow the script. Now get in there, your scene's starting!" Jean hissed, as Lance rolled his eyes and got into acting as he started walking. We see the slaves now walking through a forest. It is now evening. The slaves' masters, Ace Speck, and Larry Speck walk on by on their steeds when a bright light appears through the trees
"Hold it! Turn that light off, or I'll shoot!" Fred barked, his pistol drawn. Todd did the same
"Come now, come now. I'm just a weary traveler." Kurt replied calmly, entering the clearing on his carriage, which had a large wooden tooth on the carriage roof, supported by a spring "Good cold evening, gentlemen. Allow me to introduce myself; I'm Kurt Schultz, this is my horse Vince" Kurt said politely as Lancitty nodded as well, horse's version of saying hello.
"Hmmph. She gets the front of the costume, and what about me? The role I got was the Kemosabe (1) in this stinkin costume!" Lance snapped in disgust
"Wrong Western film!" Jean hissed at Lance, waving her hand, signaling Todd to continue.
"State your name and business fancy-pants" Todd snorted as Kurt stepped off the carriage, heading for the slaves, holding onto his lantern
"I believe amongst you is a keen specimen I must acquire" Kurt stated, inspecting all the slaves before stopping at Evan, sporting a gruff beard.
"Good sir, I do not mean harm; I am looking for a group known as the Brittle Brothers. The members are Raj, Big John and Ellis Brittle. Unfortunately; I do not know what they look like, which is why I hope you can point them out" Kurt said, informing Evan of his true motives. Evan, however, is completely oblivious of what Kurt stated, and the whole sub-plot of this parody.
"Oi! I know them!" An Australian-accented voice cried out. At that second, Kurt continues passing by the slaves until he stops and faces Pyro, who did indeed say said previous quote
"What's your name?" Kurt asked curiously, examining Pyro by holding the lantern up to his face to get a closer look
"Pyro" Pyro whispered in a faint, gruff voice before whispering "Can I set the forest on fire?"
"NO! ANYTHING but that" Jean roared, glaring at Pyro.
"Then you're just the man I'm looking for. What do you know of the Brittle Brothers?" Kurt asked, hoping that Pyro would provide information
"There's about…three of…them. Big John… Raj… and Ellis Brittle" Pyro panted, emphasizing on the three names
"HEY! Stop talkin to him!" Fred barked, breaking the silence. Kurt stepped forward, hoping to break the hostility
"What?" Kurt asked, pretending to have not heard what Fred was saying
"Stop talking to him like that!" Fred repeated, rifle drawn
"Gentlemen; there is no need for violence. I'm here to negotiate a transfer" Kurt confessed
"No sale. Beat it" Fred huffed
"Now gentlemen; surely not in front of these poor folks" Kurt begged
"*Move* it" Todd growled, cocking his rifle
"Oh very well" Kurt heaved, dropping his lantern, instantly pulling out his pistol and within seconds, shot down Todd, blasting him onto the ground in a heap, then turned and shot Fred in the naughty bits (2) who fell onto the ground, his horse providing the damaging weight
"Aaaaarrgh!" Fred screamed in pain, infuriated by Kurt shooting Todd, ignoring the loud cheers in the background
"I shot Toad! Yay me!" Kurt whooped before getting back into character. "Would you hold this, please?" Kurt asked, handing his lantern and rifle over to Evan before heading over to Pyro and unbuckling his shackles on his feet and manacles on his arms.
"Now step back and watch a free mutant strode!" Pyro boasted, over-dramatically throwing off his cloth, making slow-motion steps before coming to Todd and relieving him of his coat and weapons. Kurt then approached the now freed slave group
"Now you are on free ground, and the way I see it, you have two choices; you can accompany us on the free road and find a new meaning to existence, or you can stay here, shoot the Speck brother and find your own way to freedom. Oh and if there are any astronomy aficionados amongst you, the North Star is that one." Kurt indicated, directing the slaves' attention to a brightly shining star over the north area of the woods "Tata" Kurt replied, heading off on his carriage, with Pyro following, now with Todd's former horse.
"Can-can we talk about this over coffee?" Fred replied pathetically before Evan gunned him down.
"And CUT!" Jean hollered on her megaphone as the X-Men started striking the set
"Geez, Kurt, why the hell did you up and shoot me? Don't you know you're supposed to shoot first and ask questions later?" Todd snapped, wiping off the fake blood off of his costume
"Nice entrance. So who do I play?" Scott asked, apparently anxious of his role
"You get to play the town marshal" Jean answered, continuing "And yes, you can have a pistol added to your costume"
"I get to star as a gunman! Go me!" Scott whooped
(1)- Kemosabe; from the Lone Ranger movie
(2)- Monty Python reference. Probably a joke to replace the word 'penis' or 'crotch' or whatever. Review and comment! Until next time!