The Avengers were bored.
"I'm bored," said Tony to the other Avengers and Pepper, who were all seated on couches in Tony's apartment.
"Don't you have something to tinker with or something?" Natasha asked.
"Yeah, how's that potato-powered Cadillac coming?" Clint added.
Tony reminded himself to never again accept Clint's challenges for projects.
"I have an idea," said Agent Coulson, walking into the room.
Deadpool jumped up from behind one of the couches, shocked. "Coulson's alive? I thought Clark Gregg's contract was just for Agents of Shield!"
The author reminded Deadpool that this story was purely hypothetical and existed in a universe where the Avengers knew that Coulson was alive.
"Fine," said Deadpool, shrugging. "Mess with the timeline all you want. I don't care."
The author may have modified some of Deadpool's vocabulary to keep with the story's rating.
"What's your idea, Agent?" Tony asked.
"For the last time, Tony," said Pepper, "His name's Phil, not Agent."
"Ah, right," Tony said, "Thanks for Phil-ing me in."
All the Avengers facepalmed, while Coulson remained calm, a small smile on his face.
"I wonder if he's from Phil-adelphia," Clint added.
Nobody laughed. Natasha looked at him, confused.
Clint shrugged, sadly. "I just wanted to be included."
"Anyway," said Coulson, "My idea is that we play Mafia."
"I know not of this Mafia," Thor said, nibbling on a pop-tart.
"I haven't played either," said Natasha. "I hope it isn't as bad as the real Mafia."
"Wait – pretend to be part of the criminal underground?!" Steve sounded shocked. "Why would we do such a thing?"
"In Mafia," said Coulson, calmly, "The goal of the game is to figure out which person is the Mafia. Now, I'd like you all to close your eyes, and I'll walk around the circle and tap the person I choose to be the Mafia."
The Avengers all closed their eyes, and Coulson walked around the circle, tapping Bruce Banner lightly.
There was a sudden roar as Bruce, startled, hulked out, then general chaos as the living room was destroyed by Tony (in his Hulkbuster suit) and Hulk battling it out. Thankfully, Deadpool texted Squirrel Girl, and she managed to get up to the tower and calm Hulk down with cute squirrels until he turned back into Bruce. Deadpool would like to remind the reader that this was his greatest single-handed victory of all time.
"All right," said Coulson, once they had all re-located to Steve's apartment. Tony's automated suits were cleaning up the mess upstairs, as they did fairly often, given Tony's propensity to cause spontaneous explosions. "I'm going to give everyone a slip of paper, and it'll tell them whether or not they're the Mafia."
He handed out the papers, explained the game's rules, then had everyone close their eyes.
"Okay, Mafia wake up."
Steve opened his eyes.
"Mafia, choose who you'd like to kill."
Steve pointed at Tony.
"Good choice. Okay, Mafia go to sleep. Now everyone wake up."
The Avengers all opened their eyes.
"During the night," Coulson narrated, "Tony was working on his Iron Man suit when he should have been sleeping. Unfortunately, the armor was hacked by the mafia, and it exploded, killing him."
"Fine." Tony shrugged. "I'm just going to come back to life in a minute or two, no biggie."
Coulson shook his head. "There's no coming back from the dead in this game."
"But that's not realistic!" Tony protested. "People supposedly die and then come back all the time! Like Fury, for example."
"Or Bucky," Steve added.
"Or Loki," Thor added.
"Or Zola," Natasha added.
"You yourself went to Tahiti," Tony added.
"It's a magical place," Coulson replied. "Anyway, who do you guys think is the Mafia?"
Natasha shrugged. "It could be any of us. I'm pretty sure all of us have wanted to kill Tony at some point." The others nodded, including Deadpool, who was still hiding behind the couch, waiting for his next opportunity to break the fourth wall.
"Oh I see how it is," Tony said.
"You can't see anything," Clint replied, "You're dead."
"I think friend Steve is the mafia," said Thor. "He's wanted to fight with Tony about the Accords of Sokovia for quite some time."
"They're government control!" Steve defended himself.
"They're necessary to prevent destruction!" Tony defended himself.
"BOYS!" Pepper shouted. "Rule 51!" She pointed to a poster on the wall titled Pepper's Rules for the Tower. Rule 51 read, No violent arguments about the Accords. Civil Wars are unnecessary and frankly very childish.
They both dropped their gaze. "Fine."
The rest of the game proceeded without a hitch, and Tony was killed first in every single round (except for the one time he was the Mafia, and everyone figured him out immediately.) There was also the one time Deadpool was the mafia, but let's not go into that. Overall, Coulson decided that the game was a success.
"Next time," said Coulson, sitting in Director Fury's office sipping coffee out of his Captain America mug, "I'll teach them to play spoons."
Fury stood up, leaning over his desk and glaring at Coulson as hard as he could with his one good eye.
"Don't. You. Dare."