Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, so you don't have to make me freakin' relive it every time, okay??
What Happens When Shinobi Take Drugs
Paid for by the Anti-Drug, but EXTREMELY for Sasuke Molestation Committee aka ADESMC (All Definately Excited for Some Man Cuddles)
It was a fine day in the woods of Konoha. Sasuke was walking around, innocent and childlike. All of a sudden, while picking daisies, he crashed into Sakon/Ukon. Turning around to face the sorry, soon-to-be-pile-of-mush, he realized just who it was…
"IT'S MY LOVER!!!" Sakon exclaimed.
"WHAT??!!" Sasuke was clearly befuddled due to the new piece of information brought upon him.
"Oops…Not him," Sakon mumbled to his brother.
Ukon bit back, "You idiot!! How do you not remember your own lovers?! Wait…You don't have lovers…" Sakon then had a recollection of memories, when the sudden realization hit him…He really didn't have lovers. Saddened by this, he went to go hang himself, but not before Ukon stopped him by asking the poor, frightened Sasuke if he was alone. Once Sasuke hesitantly replied that he was, Ukon took out a vile. With an evil smirk on his lips, Ukon said, "Hey, our boss knows you. He's very interested in meeting you, actually…But before then, he wants you to become stronger. These drugs will really help do JUST that…"
Sasuke stared up and asked, "Really?"
"Sure, Sasuke-temeeeeee…um, sama…"
"What?"
"Don't worry about it. So do you want them or not?" Sasuke was obviously suspicious of this stranger but took the pills, only wanting to become stronger. Before he took the pills, however…ITACHI APPEARED!!
"Huh?!" The boys exclaimed in unison.
Sakon/Ukon both seemed to curse, "Crap, Dattebayo!!" Now, you would think that he would be scared because of Itachi, but instead, he was thinking, "NO! If Sasuke doesn't take the drugs, then my date rape plan will NEVER work!!" Sasuke looked at 'them' in bewilderment.
"What?! Naruto?!"
"Um…Gotta go!!" And with that, the boy tried to poof, but Itachi had turned his attention to them.
"Sasuke…Are you taking drugs?" He leered at the shaking Sasuke.
"Ano…O-o-of course not, Aniki…NARUTO MADE ME DO IT!!"
"WHAT, SASUKE-TEME?!" Itachi then redirected his glare to the blonde jinchuuriki. Naruto could only stutter as he saw his small, meager life flash before his eyes, "U-um, I sw-swear I d-didn't, Itachi."As Naruto was then unknowingly distracting a murderous Itachi, Sasuke charged up Chidori. Sasuke then charged at Itachi, roaring as he flew by! Itachi was caught off-guard, and blood splattered!! The mayhem was—Nah…It ended EXACTLY the same as it did last time…Sasuke got caught, there was a makeout session, and his butt got kicked in a TOTALLY sexual way. Well, after Itachi had his way with Sasuke, Sasuke tried to revive his long-dead dignity with a remark.
"Tch, even if I can't beat you now, at least I know one thing!" Itachi looked slightly interested. Sasuke exclaimed, "I'm sexier!!"
Itachi's eyes widened, but he quickly calmed himself by replying, "No, Sasuke, THIS is sexy!!" Itachi flipped his hair and a horde of blinding light protruded from his body.
"Aaaah!! It's too bright!!" Sasuke was knocked out, so Itachi went over to molest him some more, and then he put Sasuke in a nice little box, just so he wouldn't go anywhere. Before leaving he said, "Goodbye, Otouto. That was a good run, but try to last longer next time."
In the box, meanwhile, "NOTHING EVEN HAPPENED! YOU JUST KICKED MY BUTT AND PUT ME IN A BOX!!" Itachi couldn't hear, so he just left while all the rabid, yaoi fangirls' minds went wild. Where was Naruto in all this? He was actually helplessly watching and wishing he could help his friend…Actually, he was searching his pockets for his last Ramen coupon, but after he found that sucker, all his attention was on his friend. He went to get Kakashi and take Sasuke to the hospital for some severe butt-sores. Everyone in the hospital room was thinking one thing. Why the heck is that stupid Sakura here?
Kakashi broke the silence by asking, "So, what exactly happened with you two? I just came because Naruto called, and you were stuck in a box. I didn't know you were into that stuff."
"No, baka-sensei. It's not like that. Itachi came and kicked my ass because of this dobe!!" And with that, Sasuke attacked Naruto. After what seemed like hours, but was comically only minutes, they were both split up and put into hospital beds.
"Temeeee!! You're the reason we're BOTH in here now!!" Sasuke just glared at Naruto and stuck out his tongue. "Oi, Sasuke. That's out of character for you. Are you trying to tell me you want me to put that somewhere for you?" Naruto sneered as Sasuke's face turned a rosy pink.
"Baka! I wasn't even close to implying that, so quit it with that perverted mind of yours!!"
"Oh, but Sasuke-chan, that's what makes life fun," Naruto purred. As Kakashi could tell Sasuke was about to pounce on the blonde, (or maybe the other way around, based on the look Naruto was giving the Uchiha) he interjected.
"Now, now. Sasuke, that's nothing to be upset about. I've had my fair share of mind torture." Kakashi had a dazed look on his face as he looked to the sky, recalling his encounter with Itachi.
Flashback
Kakashi was walking on a normal day. He sensed the presence of his students, when SUDDENLY…In the window was PRON!! Kakashi's eyes sparkled, but then he turned and….A MOVIE WAS BEING MADE FROM ONE OF HIS PERVERTED BOOKS!! "I need to reserve tickets!" He exclaimed.
End Flashback
"Eeer…" Kakashi thought. "Even though that was a good day…It wasn't the one I meant."
2nd Flashback
Kakashi was inspecting Konoha, since he suspected Itachi was there. So obviously, it was only a matter of time until he met with him. "Itachi, what are you doing here?"
"Can't I do some shopping without being bothered?"
Kakashi, dumbfounded by the response, asked, "What? Getting hair-care products for those stupid raven locks?" Itachi's eyes darkened. "Oh crap," Kakashi thought, but it was too late.
"For 72 hours, you will endure the torture of my Tsukiyomi." And so, for 72 hours, Kakashi had to put up with Sakura.
End Flashback
Kakashi shuddered. "What's wrong, Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura asked.
"No!! It's happening again!" And he jumped out the window, not to be seen again for another 2 months. While all three looked out the window their teacher jumped out of, Naruto and Sasuke looked at each other, and then Sakura.
"One, two…THREE!" They pushed her out and she was never seen again. Then Itachi poofed in, and everyone glomped Sasuke. While swearing his revenge, he had a plan to get Naruto and Itachi back. Sasuke called his friend Ashton, and set up an episode for 'Punk'd.'
In the episode, Naruto and Itachi were walking, when suddenly, Sasuke came and said, "Hey. Do you boys want to have some fun?" Gleefully, the boys followed Sasuke into a hotel, when BAM! Sasuke transformed into Sakura!!
"Aaaaaaah!! It burns!!"
Naruto and Itachi were knocked out and Sasuke just held up a sign saying, "You got Punk'd!!"
This is still the same randomness, but I just made it a BIT less obnoxious. If for whatever reason someone still wants the old one, I'll re-post it as a separate chapter, but I don't see that happening.
If anyone was wondering where this story came from—After returning from Japan, I went to my friend/neighbor's house with my suitcase. Upon opening it, she was met with a crapload of cards. As we sorted through them, we decided, "Hey, we can make a story with these." After setting them in an order on the floor, we made a story out of it and TADA!...here it is…