Chapter One

Seven took a seat at the table, glancing around. The quarters were adequate for one person, not made for two. They were temporary quarters, but Chakotay had offered to let her stay there for the time being, despite her having her own quarters assigned to her.

She had literally never spent time alone and one night into staying in her quarters had sent her into a panic, despite knowing hundreds of others lived in the same building.

Now he was off at some Starfleet Officer debrief with Captain Janeway and she was alone again.

Trying her best to avoid the panic she picked up a nearby PADD. Perhaps analysing some logs from Voyager would be of use to someone, and a welcome distraction for her.

The first PADD seemed to only have information regarding botany discovered on their journey. Not entirely sure why Chakotay would have it, she put it back down. Botany was of no real interest to her.

The next one she couldn't quite figure out. Scrolling through the information she couldn't find any correlation between the data in each entry.

Then she realised.

This was his personal log.

She almost put it down, but stopped as she read one sentence.

…understand that the hardest part is not being back on board Voyager, but trying to hide my feelings for her.

That peaked her interest.

She glanced at the Stardate, curious if the entry could possibly be about her. She knew that it was her who had chased him, rather than the other way around, but perhaps he had felt something beforehand.

Seeing the Stardate put that thought out of her mind.

She put the PADD down. This was none of her business. She grabbed another one. This related to geological findings in their first two years. That was of far more interest to her.

For about ten minutes she attempting to analyse the data, but her mind kept wandering back to his personal log.

Who had he had feelings for?

There was a logical answer, but he had insisted that their relationship was purely a professional one. That they were close because of their need to get their respective crews home to the Alpha Quadrant.

She was surely misunderstanding the situation.

Perhaps if she just read the one entry she would feel better.

She picked it up, knowing she still had time before he returned to not get caught reading.

Stardate 49690.1

I have never seen the need for a personal log on this journey before. I like to experience time as it happens and remember it for what it was. I don't dwell on the past and I couldn't possibly imagine any future. This is entirely unexplored territory.

However, since returning to Voyager I have been lost. I have tried meditating, tried speaking to my spirit guide, but alas nothing has worked.

So I thought I would do as she does, and write a log. A personal one, for no one else to see.

She asked me today how I was doing. I think I understood what her real meaning was, although I don't want to make any assumptions. Perhaps I was only an option because there were no other options.

After asking she quickly answered my question for me, as though afraid of how I might actually answer. Or maybe because she thought that was actually my issue.

'It seems dark and grey up here in space doesn't it? After all that time spent around greenery.'

I'm not sure how to make her understand that the hardest part is not being back on board Voyager, but trying to hide my feelings for her.

I had entirely accepted that we may be spending the rest of our lives on that planet, and I believe with all my heart that in the days before our rescue she had done the same. I could see the change, from the moment I told her what she meant to me, everything was different.

The part I'm really struggling to forget is the look on her face the moment we heard Tuvok's voice. I guess in my usual way I accepted it as a fact, and tried to hide my disappointment. Perhaps I failed, but her face said it all, that the reality she had just accepted as her future had been ripped away from her and she would have to pretend like nothing had ever happened between us.

She didn't say a word as we packed. Not one. I tried to make conversation, but she seemed unable to face that it was over.

It was strange, given that she was the one who had insisted on the parameters to begin with.

And then she broke my heart by climbing into my bed after dark and crying as I held her. I wanted to tell her it wasn't over, not for me, that we could still be whatever we had become. I wanted her to understand that my love for her hadn't started when we reached that planet, and wouldn't end just because we were leaving it.

But when I woke in the morning she had on her Starfleet uniform, and everything was as it had been before we were infected with that damn virus.

She was my Captain and I was her Commander.

She didn't even look at me as we made our way back onto the bridge.

I have to admit, that hurt.

Things seem okay now, back to the way they were before, but I can't shake it. I can't pretend that nothing ever happened, that I don't love her with all my soul. I don't know how to do that anymore, but I also don't think her mind will ever be changed.

So here I am, talking to a personal log.

It's probably better if I erase this, although a part of me wants to keep it, to remind myself that it was real. It did happen.

Perhaps I'll feel better now.

End personal log.

She placed the PADD carefully back on the table. Torn. She knew it was wrong to read his personal log, the Doctor had told her how humans preferred their privacy, but she also felt like she needed to know. This was years in the past, perhaps he was past it, perhaps it was just a moment they had shared and moved on from.

She couldn't analyse the data properly without having more information.

She picked the PADD up again.

Just one more log should answer her question.

Right?

Stardate 50384.2

I thought my need for this log would be over after my last (and first) entry. Unfortunately it seems I was wrong. A lot has happened since my last entry, although most of that can be found in my First Officer's Log.

I return to my personal log today to tell myself what an idiot I'm being.

Last night I received a call from her, stating that Q had been in her quarters with a personal request.

A personal request? At night? In her quarters?

I know it shouldn't be an issue. I had convinced myself that I was able to deal with us not being together, but apparently I'm not able to deal with the idea of her being with someone else.

Judging by her instructions to me, it wasn't a welcomed request, but it's now 0400 and I have been lying awake since my shift ended imagining all sorts of scenarios where he's returned to her and she's agreed to –

I know. It's stupid. She is a grown adult woman who is allowed to do whatever and whomever she pleases, without my permission. I guess I had always hoped that if she decided to be with someone that it would be me.

Perhaps that was egotistical of me.

Or perhaps I am fretting over nothing.

I choose to believe the second, maybe then I can have some sleep.

I have never before felt jealousy and I sincerely hope I never feel it again.

It's an extremely unpleasant emotion.

Stardate 50384.2

Twice in one day. Now I know I have a problem. But perhaps I am not so wrong in my assumptions about our relationship.

I accidentally brought it up.

I didn't intend to come off as a crazy jealous person, I merely wanted to express my concern that Q was up to no good. Then the words just came out of my mouth. It bothers the hell out of me? That's what I had to say?

And of course Q interrupted me to point out that I was jealous, as though it wasn't already obvious to everyone involved.

And then she denied there being anything between us.

In less than a minute it went from us being alone, me making a fool of myself, to her denying having any kind of feelings for me at all.

Even through her denial, her words echoed in my head. 'Oh, Chakotay'. Like I am some pathetic puppy that she needs to feel sorry for. Which I have to admit felt a hell of a lot better than what came next.

Perhaps I really am just a First Officer to her.

I didn't think it was possible to lie to a Q.

They're all knowing aren't they?

And he pointed out my feelings, but seemed to have no comment on hers. Perhaps because she has none?

I guess he can see me now, he's most likely laughing at me.

I hate to admit it, but today I felt just a little pathetic for feeling the way that I do.

I wonder if I should take a step back, if it would be better were someone else her First Officer. But then there's no one else that I would trust to do the job.

I know that I will protect her with my life, no matter what.

Kathryn Janeway is everything to me.

End personal log.

Seven put the PADD down for real this time, beginning to understand.

This hadn't been a moment in his life.

Their Captain was his life.

A noise alerted her to the fact he was about to enter their quarters. Sliding the PADD into a nearby bag, she picked up the Geology one and pretended to be engrossed in that, although her mind was still trying to process the information she had just discovered.

'That was an unnecessarily long day,' he sighed as the door closed behind him.

She forced a smile, but knew it didn't reach her eyes. 'Did you still wish to go out for dinner?'

'Actually I was thinking we could just replicate a pizza and get an early night, if that's okay?' he replied.

'That will be adequate, although at some point I would like to taste actual Earth cuisine,' she placed the Geology PADD on the table.

He picked it up. 'Are you interested in rocks now?'

'I am interested in anything that can be analysed for my entertainment,' she replied. 'I have no connections to anyone on this planet and no purpose to serve.'

'Kathryn has the day off tomorrow,' he commented, walking towards the replicator. 'You could call her and maybe she can show you around?'

'No thank you. I'm sure the Captain would like a day off,' Seven replied, a little too fast. 'I have plenty of research to keep myself occupied here.'

He turned to her, cottoning on to something being wrong.

'Is everything okay?' he asked cautiously.

'Everything is fine,' she responded.

She picked up the PADD again and continued reading until he turned his attention back to the Replicator.

Although she knew it was wrong, she needed to finish reading his personal log. She needed to understand exactly why he had chosen her over the Captain, or if he had really chosen her at all.