Chapter 1 - Happens to us all
Caroline knew at some level from the moment she met Kate that her heart would never be quite the same again. It was a measure of her self-control and ability to compartmentalise, that she managed to keep this information separate from her brain for so long.
It was a Tuesday morning in September and Caroline Elliott, Head Teacher was meeting with the latest additions to her teaching staff for the first time. The sunlight was streaming in through the large windows of her office as she opened the door and wandered out to her PA's desk smiling at the three people sitting nervously outside her office. She frowned,
"Someone missing?" she asked her PA
"Err….yes a…a Kate, Kate McKenzie" Beverly said consulting her notes.
"Do we know where she is?"
"Afraid not Caroline" Beverly said with a wry smile, amused at Caroline's use of the royal we. "I'll send her in if she arrives"
A mile away and stuck in traffic Kate McKenzie was simmering with frustration.
"Today of all days" she muttered to herself as she considered shouting pointlessly at no one in particular.
Her problem of course was that this was entirely self-inflicted. She'd had a restless night (worrying about 9F again) and stupidly forgot to set her alarm. Finally falling into a restless sleep at 3:00 in the morning she had woken to glorious sunshine only to be jolted by the nauseating realisation that it was already 8:00. She rushed through the fastest shower in history, brushed her teeth and was miraculously in the car by 8:20. Worst of all she managed to maintain the illusion that she might just make it on time for the first 20 minutes of her journey. Until that is she joined the back of a long queue of traffic a mile from school. By 8:55 she knew it was not to be.
"S**t!" she exclaimed banging the steering wheel in frustration.
Kate finally arrived 15 minutes later. Breathless and flustered she approached Caroline's office with not a little trepidation.
Beverley was stationed at her desk, as usual ready to repel all undesirables. Nevertheless she smiled warmly as Kate approached and Kate felt instantly a little calmer.
"Forgot to set my alarm" Kate said acutely aware of how weak this sounded.
"Happens to us all" said Beverly kindly "Don't worry I'm sure she'll forgive you. She might have a bit of a fierce reputation but she's a pussycat really". Beverly saw one of her main functions as humanising the boss who unknowingly terrified others with her sharp retorts and imposing stares. It was a largely thankless task (Caroline being completely unaware of the efforts she went to) but she consoled herself that she made Caroline's life a little easier even if she was oblivious to it. "Go in they haven't been at it for long".
The group inside were still introducing themselves when Kate entered and Caroline looked round as she heard the door open.
"Dr Elliott I'm so sorry I'm late….I forgot to set my alarm" Kate blurted, hoping a mix of apparent deference and actual honesty would appease her new boss. "It won't happen again" she added hurriedly. In the silence that followed she prayed silently that you got at least one free pass with this woman.
The effect of Kate, on Caroline, was instantaneous. The world, the room and everything in it fell away. All other sounds, sights and smells receded as her body shifted to face the woman stood before her. Later, much later, as Caroline analysed this moment for the thousandth time she wondered, not for the first time, what it had caused such a strong reaction. Was it Kate's hands clasped anxiously in front of her? Was it the slightly defiant gaze she fixed on Caroline? Was it her rather naïve honesty (Caroline deplored deceit). Or was it simply her beauty, her overwhelming, remarkable beauty? Whatever it was (and Caroline usually decided it was all these things) Caroline involuntarily took a sharp intake of breath at the shock of it. In that small moment some part of Kate slipped discretely between Caroline's ribs and moved within her body to nestle alongside her heart. Totally unaware of this delightful invasion Caroline suddenly came back into the room mindful of the need to sound (and more importantly behave) like the boss she was. She rapidly shifted her attention to the tricky problem of finding something sensible to say.
"Err… its Caroline, please call me Caroline. Come in Miss McKenzie and take a seat" Did she get away with that she wondered suddenly panicking her feelings were visible.
"It's Kate" Kate responded smiling slightly.
"OK Kate – come in you are very welcome"
Around 17:00 Beverley was tidying her desk and preparing to leave for the evening when she became aware of her boss's voice in the next room.
She approached the open door quietly. As she entered she saw Caroline sitting at her desk the evening sun slanting across her face.
"Married for life, Married for life" Caroline was muttering to herself like a mantra. Beverley suddenly aware this wasn't something she was meant to hear went to leave at which point Caroline, hearing a noise, looked up at her and blushed.
"Take no notice of me – just talking to myself" she said.
"Happens to the best of us" Beverley responded for the second time that day. "Do you want to talk about it?" Beverley was aware that Caroline had few friends and often worried that she had no one to talk to. Based admittedly on a limited number of interactions she also had a dim view of Caroline's husband "waste of space" was how she described him to her sister when they discussed her boss, as they did frequently. So it wasn't that surprising to her to find Caroline muttering in what she assumed was not a wholly positive way about her marriage.
"Oh its OK" Caroline responded "Just me being silly".
"OK well I'm leaving now, try not to work too late".
Caroline smiled as Beverley closed the door.
She shook herself. God what was happening to her? "Get a grip" she mentally chided herself.
Caroline had known for most of her adult life that she was gay. But for the last 18 years she had been married to John, and for Caroline marriage was a lifetime commitment. So she dealt with it. She dealt with the occasional pull of attraction bought about by a pretty face, just as she coped with her despair at her husband's heavy drinking and his hanging around the house in an increasingly aimless manner. Over the years the pretence of a happy marriage had drifted away from them both and now, at least for her, it was about the boys. In the end most children love their parents despite their faults and William and Laurence did love him. And she knew that despite John's many failings he did have some redeeming qualities - unfortunately at this moment she was struggling to remember what they were. She resolved to try to focus on her relationship more in the future.
That evening she made the decision to place her feelings for Kate into the box. This was the space in her mind used to keep all those feelings she was unwilling to engage with. She had managed to keep it closed for nearly 20 years, easily distracted by the thousand and one things she had to do every day at work and at home. Caroline had found a way of separating her heart and her head. Unfortunately for her she had severely underestimated the effect of Kate on her heart and besides the box wasn't really up to the job of keeping her contained any more. It was showing definite signs of age and creaking at the seams with unexamined life.
Caroline was soon to learn that she controlled a lot less of the world around her than she imagined and circumstances were conspiring to make keeping the box closed impossible.