Walking out, I was hoping for him to be there just a little to much, I needed to talk to him after the events of today, after what I had said to him and luckily enough he was there.
"Do you mind if I sit with you?" I asked before motioning to the crate beside him, the one I considered to be mine for times like these when it was just the two of us, sitting in the courtyard, talking. He shook his head and smiled a little at me, his gaze coming up from the ground to look at me. I knew that what I had declared to him was bound to cause an unease between us, I didn't expect him to start ignoring me though, no matter how he had reacted.
"Anna, I want to apologize for how I reacted earlier, on the way to the flower show. Can you forgive me?" He asked with so much regret in his face that I would have done anything to get that look from his face and that tone from his voice.
"There is nothing to forgive Mr. Bates. If I was you, I would have probably reacted a lot worse than you did, honestly I must have taken you by surprise. You did a very good job at not looking too distraught actually." I giggled a little, trying to lighten the mood, but my attempts went unnoticed, all he did was sit beside me, looking at me with a furrowed brow and an emotionless expression.
"Anna, you know that if I could, I would do anything to make you happy, don't you?" He raised his head to make eye contact and I held on to it as he spoke again. "Honestly, I would do anything in the world to please you, I want you to understand that I can't, that is the only reason I won't," I nodded understandingly before he continued. "I'm not a free man, Anna, you know that now and I understand that you probably won't want anything to do with me now that you know the truth..." I could see it in his eyes, he really was expecting me to agree, to lose all the feelings I had for him, just because he had been married.
"Do you think so little of me, that you believe I could drop my feelings like that? Just let go of any connection we had and go back to acting like we barely knew each other. Maybe you are a married man, but you expect me to stop feeling this way just because you did something, a thing that I don't believe to be wrong, a thing that a lot of people have done. Why would that change the way I feel about you?" Contemplating the ways he could answer, he could try to make it sound worse than it was, a Bates thing to do, or he could just say nothing at all, the latter is the preferable option but he never was one for silence.
"Anna, you don't know the whole story, you don't know any of the details really. All you know is that I married, a stupid mistake that I will regret until the day I die, I promised my life to a woman I didn't truly love and now I am stuck, unable to spend the rest of my life with the woman I truly do love..." He looked down again, obviously regretting what he had said, but he had said it, to me that was all that mattered, finally he had admitted these feelings were reciprocated. "I shouldn't have said that Anna, I'm sorry, I did my very best to keep it in and not tell you how I really felt, but when I'm around you, I feel like I can be myself and I don't have to hold anything back even when I know that I should." I raised my hand to rub his shoulder, reassuring him that it definitely wasn't the kind of thing he should regret but he flinched at my touch, more in surprise than disgust, but I still didn't like it.
"Mr. Bates, John, if I may, never apologize for telling me the truth, you know I have never been one to hold back my feelings and I know you were always the one to hide yours away. But still I must ask, never keep anything a secret from me, no matter how badly it might hurt me, I would rather be hurt by the truth than a lie." Every word that passed my lips was honest, when I am around him, I can be myself and not act as if I am anyone different, he knows the real me.
"Oh Anna, how could I ever lie to you, in all your innocence and naivete. You are so young, so youthful and forgiving.I want see you given happiness, by a man who loves you. That is something I can never give you, I'll never be able to make you happy Anna!" I could tell from the tone of his voice that he actually believed it, he actually thought that I was capable of being happy without him as well!
"As if you actually believe that, I mean really! How can you hope to see me, when the only thing that can make me happy is just beyond my reach, just out of my grasp, always shying away from making the connection. I understand that you can't do anything about your marriage, I get that nothing can ever come of this, but just knowing that you feel the same way pleases me more than you coud ever imagine, so just indulge me." I can't believe I actually asked this man to tell me that he loved me, I mean I was forcing it upon him, maybe he didn't want to tell me he loved me, purely because he didn't and that would have been completely acceptable. But he wouldn't give me a straight answer, it was always somewhere in between, telling me that he couldn't love me but he wouldn't deny that did. This man spoke in riddles and it frustated me profusely. "Mr. Bates, you know that I love you, now give me a straight reply not some encrypted message that will leave me pondering your words for the rest of the evening. If you don't love me, I accept that but please let me get through the stages of utter embarrassment soon, don't keep me hanging on string like a loose end you don't want to tie. Please Mr. Bates."
"Anna, of course I love you, how could I not, but nothing can come of it so what is the point in expressing our feelings when we will always be left wanting for more, if we really love each other and continue to feel that way then one day we are going to want to walk to the village, holding hands, to be able to show our affections in public. We will always long for more than maybe a stolen kiss once in a while, a few minutes out here together when we can truly be ourselves, I can't condemn you to a half-life, I won't." Of course I would want more, who couldn't, but I would rather have something than nothing and I knew he felt the same but he wouldn't accept that I do too and that is just the way he is, he can never accept that he is worthy of being loved, of having happiness.
"Look, this is going to sound very forward but have you even tried to find her? For all we know she might be living in York, with a man of her own, a whole new life. You'll never find her unless you go looking."
"Anna, of course I have tried, I have been trying since the moment we separated but she will stay lurking in the shadows until it is convenient for her to get a divorce, I married a very selfish woman who will do everything she can to stop me from having any joy in my life. Anna, unless she finds a reason to divorce, there is no chance that I will be getting one anytime soon." He caressed my cheek and smiled at me, that smile I had only ever seen him smile for me, it was the smile that only I had the rights to. "If I could divorce Vera tommorrow then I would, I would take you to America and work for you to live in splendour, I would do everything in my power to make you the happiest woman alive, but I can't and I can spend all my time trying to get a divorce, but I would never pin you down, the most I can ever promise you is that the moment I have divorced, I'll propose to you, whatever the situation, but in the mean time we cannot get attatched, because I don't know if I will ever get it and then you will have wasted your whole life waiting for something you never got." He was right, of course he was right, he always is but still I could pretend to go on living my life, walking out with eligible gentlemen but I would always want for him and even if I never told him that, I would always be waiting for the day when he turned up at my door, down on one knee -his good knee preferably- and ask me to marry him.
"The truth is, I would rather die alone, still waiting for you than die with a husband and children, unless that husband was you. I would never fulfill my life completely if I didn't wait for you. I would always regret my choices, to not wait a few extra months, another year or two. I love you, John Bates and I don't think I'm going to stop until the last breath leaves my body, so please, I know that you don't want to tie me to you, but the bond is already made, I won't ever be able to let you go completely and I think you know that, don't you?" I knew that the answer in his heart was yes, but would he try to deny it, as he always did. To my surprise he didn't:
"Yes, I know that Anna." He finally admitted it, eventually, after all this time he just said it. I felt my jaw drop below my ankles. "So please know, from this day forward I will spend every minute I can, doing everything I can to get a divorce." Never breaking eye contact, he lifted my hand to kiss each of my knuckles separately, holding it beside his cheek. "I love you, Miss Smith and I want to make you happy."
"There's only one thing I want right now, and you know what it is so if you mean what you just said, indulge me?" Of course he knew what I wanted, the one thing I had been longing for since before the conversation had began, but would he do it? Only he could make that decision. He leaned a little closer, to close to be unintentional and before I could let a smile breach my expression his lips met mine in a chaste kiss, yet so perfect. It seemed to last forever, I was lost in time but when it ended it felt too quick. "Thank you John, thank you for that." I let a grin creep across my face, to relieve the temptation to start smiling ear-to-ear, and looking back, he smiled in that way only I ever saw, the one that truly was 'John's smile'.
"I best-" Before interrupting, "I should probably go-" we both had the same thought on our mind, our absence would be noticed if any further extended. Together we giggled for a moment, bathing in the silence around us, we both nodded abruptly at precisely the same time, I rose to head inside while I still could. Walking toward the door, I turned to look back quickly and saw him smiling back at me. In that moment I felt like I was the happiest woman to walk the earth!