A/N I couldn't leave the boys as the show did. So I gave in to the urge to continue on. As usual they aren't my toys no matter how much I wish they were. I just borrow them from time to time. Please R&R. I miss getting all those lovely reviews.
Dean looked over at his brother in the passengers seat. The younger man had fallen silent ever since the night outside of the hospital. Not merely quiet. Silent. No more I'm sorry's no more requests to talk, no more pleading looks. That much was at least a relief. It was the rest of it that bugged Dean. There was no conversation at all. Sam would only say what needed to be said, yes, no, I got it. Hand me the salt, how's Bobby. He'd work the con, do the job, slip into the roles that Dean chose for him, with about as much creative input as a pet rock.
He found himself looking over at his brother hoping to catch him unaware, hoping to see that pained fluffy puppy look that was so much SAM. He wanted to see some sort of petulant glare, some sign that this was just Sam being a girl and pouting because they had a fight. But it wasn't there. Neither were there smiles or laughter. The kid ate, slept and hunted. The only time he was sure his brother was truly alive was in battle, which happened more than he liked.
Dean didn't know this Sam. Had never met this side of his brother before and it worried him. But it wasn't new to Sam. There was a time that he had been on his own, just moving, hunting, and closing everything off inside him. Endless days that Dean didn't remember. Because he wasn't there. When the trickster had finally ended the constant onslaught of death and left Sam alone in the world. He had shut down then. He was shutting down now.
"Dude, I can do that when we get to the hotel" Dean said as Sam began to stitch his own injuries, with about as much affect as a robot.
"I got it" Sam said, not bothering to look up from the wound.
Dean pulled the car off the road and stopped abruptly "What the hell are you doing? Are you punishing me now? Is that what this is all about?" He asked sharply.
"No" Sam said tying off the last stitch. He put away the sutures and dropped the needle into a pill bottle full of alcohol. He reached for the bottle of antibiotics, took a dose and handed one over to his brother, who slapped his hand away sending the pills flying.
Which got a brief genuine look of pain from Sam before it was beaten down and tucked out of sight. He put the bottle away and opened the car door "Since we're stopped, I'm gonna get a clean shirt."
"I'll be damned," Dean said sarcastically, as he got out of the car, all but slamming the door as he followed Sam around to the trunk. "That was a whole complete sentence."
"Not much to say is all" Sam said "Its not personal." He added, although it was. He knew it was, but if he let himself go down that road he would lose the control he had over himself.
"Not personal. Bull shit it's not personal. "
"Fine" Sam said with a sigh "Its personal." He said "But its not your problem. " he said digging a tee-shirt from his bag.
"Again, bullshit. Gonna try for a third?"
"I'm Sorry" Sam said blandly, locking gazes with his brother, daring him to say it, daring him to tell him that it wasn't good enough. Call it bullshit as requested. Pain so easily turned to anger when you didn't want to deal with it. "Any more questions or shall we go back to being quiet. I thought it was working pretty well personally."
He tossed his torn and bloody shirt to the side, and pulled on the clean one. He closed the trunk and looked back at his brother once again, expecting to have won that round, but he should have known better. Should have seen it coming. But he didn't, not until his brother's fist connected with his face.
"Son of a bitch" Dean yelled at him "You have the balls to toss that back in my face? As if you are the victim here?"
"Is that how you feel Dean? Like a victim. You want to hit me again? Does that make you feel better?" His tone was level, even. And it was pissing Dean off.
"Damn it Sam" Dean ran a hand through his hair. It didn't make him feel better. It made him feel worse. Part of him wanted to pull his brother to him and lie and tell him that he forgave him and that they were all right. The rest of him wanted to beat the hell out of the kid and not in a brotherly tussle kind of way. That was the problem. Nothing either of them could do was ever going to make this feel better. There was nothing that could make it right.
"Right… so no talking, no hitting. " Sam said and nodded as though it was pretty much what he had expected " I'll drive while you take care of yourself." He didn't figure Dean would trust him to patch him up. Sam took a deep breath and let the emotions fade back into the background. He could do this. He could hold it together. Keep the pain and withdrawls at bay. Keep his brother safe until this was over. Just until this was over, then he could let go. Dean didn't trust him. Dean didn't have to trust him. He had done all that he could, said all that he could to make amends. Dean believed it all to be bullshit. So be it.
Dean didn't know what it what it was about Sam's new attitude that made him so angry but it did. It dug at him like all the words Sam had spewed over the last year. He grabbed his brothers retreating form and pulled him around to punch him in the face again.
Sam didn't swing back. He wiped the blood off of his swelling lip, and straightened himself up, standing at his full height. "Okay… guess it does make you feel better." He said "Go ahead. You have a lot of reasons to do it. I'm not stopping you. Go ahead" His voice betrayed a portion of the emotion he felt in the last two words.
Dean shook his head and stepped back. Sam wanted this. What the hell was he trying to do? "Get in the car Sammy. I'm driving." He felt too out of control of the whole situation not to be behind the wheel.
Sam didn't say another word. He simply moved to get into the car.
Which made Dean want to hit him again. He didn't know which way was up with Sam anymore. He wasn't sure Sam did either and that was what scared him the most. Sam was emotion. Everything about Sam was share and care time. The kid had never liked to leave anything hanging. Never liked letting his feelings go unheard. He was always questioning how others felt or thought. Digging for answers and searching for something that neither Dean nor John had ever been able to figure out.
The man in the car with him he didn't know. Dean had gone so far as to slip holy water into the kid's coffee on more than one occasion. He worried that this was a side effect of consuming an entire demons worth of blood. That it had killed the part of his brother he missed and needed. Even if he couldn't trust him anymore.
He leaned against the trunk of his beloved car and breathed deeply. Sam was right about one thing. He was tired and probably shouldn't be driving. Didn't change the fact that he was going to.
Sam leaned back in the seat and closed his eyes, turned his head toward the window, and pretended to sleep. He was vibrating too much to sleep. Too much to look at his brother. His brother might as well hate him for all the good the love between them did them. They couldn't talk couldn't be silent, couldn't trust…
It was hours later when he was convinced that Dean was asleep that he got up and slipped out of the hotel room and headed across the street to the diner. He needed time alone to think. Things couldn't continue how they had been. Everyone said give Dean time, Dean said time wasn't going to be enough.
"Oh sweetie, you look like you could use an ice pack for that lip." The waitress said as she handed him the menu.
"Nah, I'm alright, " he said producing the plastic puppy dog smile he used when working the job. It didn't reach his eyes though "I'm gonna just have some coffee… and… " He looked at the menu, figuring it was probably a stupid idea but he was apparently well known for his stupid ideas "A slice of apple pie to go."
He looked up as someone sat down across from him. "What's going on?" He asked Castiel. It was never good when the angels showed up
"I came here to ask you that "
Great. Now the angels were checking up on him too. "I couldn't sleep. "
"So you came for coffee?" he asked in his usual bland manner.
Sam shrugged. "Sleeping pills didn't seem safe." He might wake up and find Dean gone and he wasn't ready for that yet. Even though he knew it was coming.
"How long has it been since you've slept?"
"I'm fine."
"No. You aren't. Has it started yet?"
Sam shook his head.
"Soon?"
Sam nodded.
"Does your brother know?" Castiel asked knowing the answer to that because Dean hadn't called for him at the top of his lungs yet. Sam thought his brother hated him, but nothing could be further from the truth.
Sam shook his head. "I'll sleep through it. Knock myself out and keep myself that way until it passes. "
"Its not that easy."
"I'm not looking for easy." Sam answered and again smiled at the waitress as she brought his take out. He paid her and left a tip as well. He hoped it was painful as hell. He just didn't want Dean to deal with it. Couldn't handle seeing that look in his eyes again. "See ya round" he told Cas as he got up from the table and headed back out into the night, back to his own personal purgatory.
He set the take out container with the pie on Deans bedside table. A peace offering for the fight earlier. Tossed his weapons on the bed, and picked up a pair of handcuffs. Then he and his coffee and laptop went into the bathroom.
Sam locked the door, and settled down on the floor. He set his lap top on the counter and started it playing an audio book playing and on repeat before he took three sleeping pills and stretched out in the tub, hand cuffing one hand to the pipes.
He closed his eyes, and waited. For sleep… for the pain to start…the hallucinations… for Dean to need the bathroom. Sleep came first. He took more than the recommended dose but not enough to cause him harm. Just enough to heavily sedate him. He figured if he were handcuffed and sedated he wouldn't be a threat to anyone, and there would be no way to get free. Demons weren't looking for him. Angels weren't looking for him. He didn't need a panic room any longer. Just needed time to get over it.
It was some time later that he woke suddenly, still heavily groggy, but the nausea was more powerful than the medication and he barely got maneuvered over the toilet in time not to be wearing it.
Dean woke up when he heard the handcuff clanking on metal. And Sam retching. Sam, metal clankinghe really needed to find out what was going on. He got up and saw the pie by the illuminated clock. "Sam?" He called out, heading toward the bathroom and pushing the door open. "Sam, do I even want to know why you took my handcuffs and handcuffed yourself to the tub? Please tell me this is just some weird kink." He wasn't sure he could go through this again. It ended horribly the last time; he didn't see anything ending well now.
"I'll be alright." Sam said "Just go back to bed" He said groggily. He used the remains of his coffee to clean the taste out of his mouth. "Its started, but I've got it... Just keep myself drugged and locked up until it's done. Its okay... I've got it." he didn't really expect to see Dean when it was done. He just hoped that his brother left the key to the handcuffs where he could get to them before he left, or the cleaning lady was going to be in for a hell of a shock.
"Go back to bed. He tells me to go back to bed." Dean said. "Are you nuttier than I thought you were?" He asked as he left the bathroom and came back with the ice bucket and some plastic cups. The ice bucket was half filled with ice, and he filled the rest with water. "This is better than coffee," he said, shaking his head. "So did you think I'd eventually get up to take a leak and not notice you in the tub?" He asked.
"Wasn't hiding." Sam said. "This isn't your problem. Its mine" Sam was still groggy. But not groggy enough if he was awake and talking. He took the water his brother offered and downed half of it then reached for the medicine bottle to take another sleeping pill.
"The hell it's not." Dean said as he got the bottle faster and counted it. He'd been the one to fill the bottle after all. "Jesus, Sam, I was only asleep for five hours!" He said, seeing that three were already gone.
"I'm not trying to kill myself if that is what you are worried about. I'm trying to knock myself out. You want to take a shot at me instead its open season. "
"Whoa, wait. Where'd this all turn around to me wanting you dead?" Dean asked. "I'll get you the percocets if you want to sedate so bad. But three sleeping pills? Going for four or five? You sure I'm the one that wants you dead?"
"I didn't mean that way," He said, "I meant if you wanted to hit me again. You know... knock me out the other way. " Sam sighed "of all the people in the world I KNOW you don't want me dead. You might be better off if you did." He said it with an almost laugh. "Besides... you don't want to deal with this. Just let me knock myself out and... I don't know... go get a beer or something until I pass out again."
"Fine." Dean said and went to their med bag and pulled out a bottle of tranquilizers. And handed Sam two. Then walked out of the bathroom and sat on the bed, turning on the television. Go get a beer my ass, he thought. Last time he rattled the whole house. They were in a freaking hotel room. Cops would definitely be called. He had to think of a way around that. Right now, he just turned the television up loud. Detox worked really well the first time they tried this. There wasn't even any real proof it would have succeeded even without angelic interference.
Speaking of which, they hadn't been a round in a bit. Sure, Sam did his part already; they had no interest in him apparently. Didn't mean he was going to leave his brother unguarded. His foot tapped on the threadbare carpet as he kept glancing into the bathroom. He didn't know what he was expecting.
Time passed, Sam snored heavily, and only occasionally did the window rattle as if buffeted by a strong wind. He moaned and could be heard tossing in his stupor. It was nearing dawn when Sam woke with a howl, somewhere in between pain and rage, the handcuffs could be heard rattling against the pipes. Sam was trying to get free.
Dean had dozed off and woke with a start, heading toward the bathroom. "Sam. Sam!" He shouted at his brother. "Calm down. You need to calm down." Before the neighbors complained at the very least. Dammit, this so wasn't a good idea. But it wasn't the worst option either.
"Get me the key to these things" Sam demanded, breathing heavily, very nearly panting, trying to maintain control, and failing dramatically. "I swear to god I will pull these pipes out of the walls. " the addiction was in full control and nothing mattered but the fact that he had to get out of there.
"Now why would I do that?" Dean asked. "You're the one that handcuffed you this time. Wasn't me. This is what you want. You want to detox, who am I to stop you? You're finally making some good choices, and I'm in full support of that. Now just calm down and ride it out."
"Yeah, tell you what, I will if you will. Toss out the tequila and we'll see how easy you freaking calm down and ride it out." Sam snapped at him. "You toss it back like water. Hell, at least what I'm addicted is useful." He normally would have regretted the words that came out of his mouth but he wasn't thinking clearly. He wasn't really thinking at all he was feeling and he was lashing out at anything handy.
"Useful? You son of a bitch. Did you just say your little demon blood junkie problem was useful?" Dean shot back and bit back the rest of his statement. "I'm going to let that one go. That, at least, is the withdrawal talking. Useful. What a fucking crock." He said, shaking his head.
"Not too many demons sent to hell with tequila, Dean." Sam said. "If I had done this before you were sent to hell ... you wouldn't have had to go... we'd be chasing monsters and you would be scoring twins. The blood isn't the problem. It's what I did with it and you know it. "
"We're still chasing monsters and I'm still scoring twins." Dean said. "And the blood makes you such a reasonable person that you listen to good advice, right? No impulsivity there, huh Sam? The blood doesn't make you do stupid things like...I don't know...betray your brother? Start Armageddon? Lie to me and tell me you had a clear head. Lie some more and tell me that the blood doesn't make you an easy target for demons to manipulate. Come on, why start telling the truth now, Sam."
"You want to talk about telling the truth? Okay let's have a little truth. You've been blaming me for all of this since you got back from hell. Sure I fucked up. But I'm not the only one that started Armageddon. But go ahead and lay it all at my feet Dean. I started Armageddon. I got you killed, I got Dad killed, and I got Mom killed. Go ahead. Tell the truth. You blame it all on me and you always have. Just like Dad"
"You son of a bitch." Dean said. "The only thing I blame you for is why you chained yourself to the bathtub. But why start listening to me now? You've got such a great track record for things turning out right when you don't after all."
"You haven't been able to look at me straight since you came back. That was long before you knew what I was drinking. " He said as he pulled at the handcuffs rattling the pipes as frustration took over, only to be defeated by another round of nausea. He wiped his face suddenly pale and shaking and leaning back in the tub, glad for the cold porcelain and a few moments lucidity. "Oh yeah... I need to knock myself out again. " His eyes said that he was sorry but he had learned not to use those words with his brother any more.
Dean grabbed the sleeping pills and doled out two. With a painkiller and a tranquilizer and handed them to his brother. "How'd we get in this mess, Sammy?" He asked as he got his brother a cup of water. "What the hell happened to us?"
"I'm not as strong as you" Sam said as he downed the water and the pills. "I screwed up. " He cut himself off before saying he was sorry again. "But... even if I hadn't died... I don't know that it wouldn't have turned out the same. Maybe even worse." He would have been used by Azazel to open the gate, or some other guy would have opened the first seal and they wouldn't have seen it coming.
Strong. That was a load of crap. It was his very weakness that led this moment as far as Dean was concerned. He sold his soul so his brother could live, and then he left him alone floundering, ripe for the picking when Ruby came back along. But he looked at his brother, and Sam did look pretty pathetic in the bathtub. "I'll get some food." He said. "I think I can find something light."
"Dean... this isn't you're fault." he said reaching for his brother with his free hand. He knew that look. Dean had never been able to hide his guilt. Not from Sam. Who had always been watching his older brother. Looking for approval, sometimes for direction, trying to be like him, trying to know the man that was his hero above all other.
"A plus B equals C, Sam." Dean said. "Even I got that far in high school."
"You don't control me Dean. I barely control me. Dad never had a chance of doing it. How is it you think you are responsible for my screw ups?"
"Because, dammit, I put you in the position to screw up!" Dean said. "You never would have tried half the crap if I was there."
"And you wouldn't be in this mess if I hadn't turned my back on Jake while the guy was trying to kill me. " Sam countered. "Neither of us would be in this mess if Mom hadn't made the deal with the demon in the first place. Then again if she hadn't made the deal we wouldn't be here at all."
"You know, Sam, it's really nice that you're letting me off the hook here, but come one. We both know why you went off the deep end. And it doesn't have much to do with Ruby's skills between the sheets."
"And you went to hell because I died. Not because you thought it was a great vacation spot. I couldn't save you from it. I tried. Ironic that if I had done what Ruby had wanted sooner you wouldn't have had to go... "
Well, at least Sam was talking. "And someone else would have broken the first seal and we wouldn't have known any of this was coming. The moment you started drinking blood, you set yourself up for this." Dean pointed out.
"That would have been the night mom died" Sam said, not having talked about the things he had seen when Azazel had kidnapped him, pitting him against the others like him.
"What are you talking about? You were six months old when that happened." Dean asked. "You weren't even talking yet."
"When I was taken by Azazel he showed me what happened the night mom died. " Sam said staring at the ceiling. " She came into the nursery and tried to attack him... because he had opened a vein and dropped blood in my mouth. " he admitted. He didn't know how Dean was going to deal with that. Sam hadn't dealt with it well.
"Doesn't hold water. You went twenty five years without it." Dean said, cutting right to the bottom line.
"That was the moment I was chosen, Dean... really chosen. Mom was his favorite because she was a hunter. He liked the irony... Those few drops of blood... were the source of my visions and all the other cracked out shit that happened, even 22 years later. It was always there. Not saying it wasn't my choice later and that I wasn't screwing up. It was. I was. But it didn't start with Ruby is all I'm saying. "
"Great, he was poetic." Dean said. "I don't care if you were chosen. You're my brother and I should have looked out for you more than I did. Chosen or not, you still fell right into Ruby's clutches because I failed."
"Okay... Dude, you need to make up your mind. Cause I'm getting whiplash with the mood changes. I'm either the great betrayer who chose a demon over you, or its all your fault and you should take all the blame. It doesn't work that way, you cant have both."
"You did choose a demon over me. You chose to chase after blood over me. You would rather be anywhere than around me when I came back. Because I shouldn't have left."
"Because I let you down. " He said "I couldn't get you out of there. I tried. I did everything I could to stop it and I failed you. I knew that. I knew that if I had done what she wanted sooner I could have saved you. But I didn't... and every time I looked at you I could see it in your eyes. That you were still going through it. How could it not be there? "
"And I wouldn't have wanted that. Not if it turned you into what you are right now." Dean said. "Take a good look Sam. You're really no better than a heroin addict. You'll do anything for that last fix. You'd even go through me."
"I put myself in this tub too, didn't I" he said, "Believe it or not I am trying. Just if I had to wind up this way anyway... better to have done it before than when I did."
"You didn't have to do it at all. Come on, you're supposed to be the smart one. Where did you think this was a good idea?"
"Because it was the only thing I could think of to keep her from dragging you back into hell. " Sam said, "When you were in hell all I could think about was vengeance. I just wanted her dead. They wouldn't let me into hell, ruby wouldn't let me kill myself so I focused on the vengeance... by the time you were back the blood had taken hold and I couldn't shake the headspace I had put myself into."
"Dammit, Sam. You think I wanted that for you?" Dean demanded.
"Of course you didn't. Do you think I wanted hell for you? " He asked in return. "I would rather be dead than that. I know... you don't want that... well guess what Dean... its not all about you... and I don't mean that to be bitchy but get real here. You knew ... you knew what it did to you when Dad went to hell for you... yet you did it. You didn't think about what it was going to do to me to be left behind...what it did to Bobby. I didn't think about what it would do to you for me to turn into Dad and go off on a vengeance kick and leave my brain behind."
"Every moment I was down there, through every millisecond of torture and pain, I kept thinking to myself. Sam's okay. I can do this, because Sam's okay. Then I get yanked out and I find out that you're not okay." Dean said.
"And all I could think about was that you were in hell and it was my fault. " Sam countered. "It wasn't ever going to end well Dean. What did you think I would do? Give up hunting, go back to law school and raise fat kids?"
"Actually I was hoping for skinny kids, but fine. Fat kids are fine too." Dean said. "And yeah, that's what I was hoping. That you'd justlive."
"How the hell was I supposed to do that? Go back to the life I had with Jess? There was no Jess. You were dead; Bobby was ... as messed up as me just with bourbon not blood. Okay ... not as messed up as me but damn... do you realize how much you mean to us?"
Dean hadn't. His shock at seeing Bobby when he'd returned from hell shook him. Seeing what Sam had been involved with devastated him. "This isn't about me." Dean said. "This is about you."
"No Dean... its about us. " He said bluntly. "That sort of thinking is what got us here in the first place. I'm currently an addict in withdrawls. And I can see that. Why cant you?"
"I can see it." Dean said. "I've even said so. What do you want me to do? Go get you some supernatural methadone?"
"No... I want to let this run its course. I want it over with. " He said, "I want... I want my brother back."
"Dammit, Sam, I tried." Dean said. "But you kept pushing me away. The only time you ever wanted to be around me was when you wanted to know what hell was like. Guess we'll all know now. But I tried."
Sam seemed to go limp at that. He nodded. It truly was too late. There was nothing he could do. "I know. " He said quietly. "I Know."
"And what do you know?" Dean demanded. "What the hell, Sam? I'm here, aren't I? I'm feeding you water and pills, I'm here. I've been here for the last year."
"I'm your brother. Of course you're here." He said, "The question is... where do we go from here?"
"I don't know." Dean said, sitting on the bathroom floor with his back against the frame. "I don't know Sam. It's just...it's a clusterfuck."
"I need to know there is at least a chance " he said. "That we can put things right. I know there is no guarantee. I can't ask that... but the way things are now is ... " he couldn't finish it. What was it? Hard? Painful? Devastating? All of which he deserved. He knew that. But it didn't change things. He needed his brother, and he hoped that his brother needed him enough to be willing to try.
"I'm here, aren't I?" He repeated. "There's always a chance." He said. "Bitch." Dean offered.
"Jerk" Sam offered in return. He smiled faintly, the sedatives beginning to take effect once more, and his eyes drifted closed, this time in peaceful sleep.