Not sure where this one came from. Haven't seen any YR episodes in years. However this plot bunny wouldn't leave me alone until I put it to paper. Not crazy about how the tense turned out but enjoy the Jimmy angst anyway. :) Cindy
Title: Choices
Author: Cindy Ryan
Category: Angst, oneshot
Summary: Jimmy reflects and wonders if protecting Lou was worth the sacrifice.
Timeline: Set between Lessons Learned and The Debt
Jimmy placed his packed saddle bags on his Palomino preparing for another run. One that could very well be the last. Things with the Express weren't that great. War was looming, and the railroad was making the Express an endangered way of life.
Jimmy patted his horse's nose as he walked around the animal. He'd miss this quiet time before a run.
He'd miss a lot of things.
The Express had been the closest thing to a family he'd had in years. A bunch of orphans more close-knit than anything he'd come across in a normal family.
Families change.
Like everything else.
Jimmy sighed as he adjusted the saddle. This one was shattering.
Sam and Emma were the first to leave.
Then Ike.
Now Lou was about to start her married life with Kid.
Jimmy swallowed hard at the last thought. Not that he wasn't happy for his friends, but things had just gotten turned so upside down.
He and Kid used to be good friends.
Now they barely spoke.
Jimmy moved away from his horse and leaned back against the nearest wall. Even after Jimmy had killed Kid's brother their friendship had survived and strengthened. Now it was so strained Jimmy wasn't sure Kid would back him in a fight.
Jimmy closed his eyes. Weariness from the last few weeks starting to take its toll. It wasn't that Jimmy blamed Kid for being mad.
Kid had been right about several things.
Jimmy just hadn't wanted to admit it then.
At least not to Kid.
Kid had been right that the way Jimmy lived his life put the people he cared most about in danger.
Jimmy shook his head, he'd never denied that.
His life seemed to have a mind of its own.
People seemed to know him and fear him by what they had heard.
No matter how wrong.
That's why he'd fought so hard to keep Lou at arm's length. But she'd found a way past his defenses anyway.
Jimmy swallowed hard. Their time taking Ellias to his hanging had brought him so close to taking another road.
Lou didn't know, or maybe she did; how close they'd come to somethin'.
That trip had scared him.
Scared him to his core.
As Lou had said, looking at Ellias had been like looking in a mirror.
His future looked so close to Ellias's and Jimmy saw no way of changin' it.
He either ended up at the end of a noose or with a bullet in his chest.
Jimmy opened his eyes as the horse whinnied. In those days on the trail with Lou had shown him what they could have together.
Try as he might Jimmy hadn't been able to mesh the future he saw with the future happiness that being with Lou had offered.
Jimmy eased himself away from the wall. He had pushed Lou away and back to Kid. Probably one of the hardest things he'd ever done.
Jimmy just hadn't been able to endure the thought of an enemy of his taking her out as a way to get to him. Jimmy would rather see her happy and married to another man than visit her grave.
Jimmy had known then and he knew now that Lou would've taken the chance if he'd said the word. She was used to the danger being with the Express and bein' on her own for so long.
Jimmy also knew Lou well. He knew part of her wanted the big house and family life that Kid offered.
That was safety and security somethin' she had never really had.
Something that Jimmy couldn't offer.
He wished he could.
Jimmy walked toward the front of his horse and picked up the reins and led the animal toward the front of the barn. As he reached the door Jimmy spotted Lou sitting on the front steps of the house talking with Rachel. The two women were laughing and smiling.
Jimmy couldn't help but smile at seeing his friends so happy and content. That was all he had ever wanted for Lou.
That was all he had ever wanted for his family.
"Rider Comin'!!"Teaspoon shouted from his spot on the porch of the bunkhouse.
Jimmy mounted his horse and urged the animal into a steady gallop. He met up with the other Express Rider just as he was entering the yard. Jimmy grinned as he took the heavy mail bags from the younger man. He placed them securely behind him and turned his horse toward the edge of the Rock Creek station.
As he passed Lou, Jimmy heard her call 'Be safe.'.
Jimmy gently kicked his horse urging the animal to pick up speed. In minutes Jimmy was out on the familiar trail.
As he moved farther away from Rock Creek, Jimmy could only wonder what would change by the time he returned.
end