DISCLAIMER: I do not own any harry potter characters nor do i get money for these mediocre interpretations of events in JK's world.
The Day She Stopped Caring
The anger in your brain bulges to a point of explosion and you can feel the sparks building in the middle of your wand, ready to spring at his soonest movement.
The daring of a 15 year old git with messy ebony hair and a crooked smile to steal your spells from you when your guard is down and use them against you stares back at you through those disgustingly bright eyes. You want to scream, you want to kill the boy, watch his perfectly shiny hair run thick and sticky with his own blood. Watch the anger and hatred spread its way in unattractive lines across the faces of his friends.
You have always wanted to kill James Potter.
Ever since Lily was in first year and she told you in the naive confidence of an eleven year old that she thought he was 'so handsome'. You were her friend, the one who had introduced her into this world, but that's all you were to her. In the years that passed you began to believe that you could be something more. You were both older and you thought that you had grown enough to become something other then the annoying boy hiding in the bushes and telling her secrets that her family would never understand. The secrets that first made her eyes shine with wonder, those green sparkles staring back at you. Like the glitter on her sticky fingers as she grabs a decorated stick and pretends to jinx you. And you suddenly realize that they are staring back at you and your anger turns to embarrassment, the first real embarrassment you have ever felt in your entire life.
That more then anything is what makes you want to scream, more then anger, or hatred, or love. That embarrassment of seeing her realize that this is what happens to you. She knows, but now she really knows. She also now knows that this time you can't stand up for yourself, there is nothing you can do except scream, because you don't want her to see you like this. You have become something so much more then what you were when you first met her.
And now you have just fallen back to that. And you are embarrassed.
He has told you, yet somehow it always seemed to be placed on the list with the other horrid things James Potter did. Never at the top, or at the bottom, just there. Not a first or second priority, just another one of the millions of things you would get around to hating him for. But the thing is,
you have always liked James Potter.
Its not that Severus isn't your friend. Though he is more your friend out of commitment to the obligation then anything else. He is your friend now because he was always your friend and even when you don't want to, you feel bad when you don't talk or when you are angry or when he gets upset. Because you can't help it, because you can't help caring about him, because you just want to save everyone, and he needs the most saving. Because he saved you from the life of a muggle, or maybe he cursed you to the life of a witch. You can't decide. Perhaps thats also why you can't decide how you feel about him.
Maybe you're just selfish and don't know what you want, and you want a man somewhere in between Severus and James and you don't think you will ever find one. Maybe you can't decide whether Severus really hates you or whether you are really hurt by his outburst. But truthfully, you could really care less because this is an excuse not to deal with him anymore and you've been trying to find one of those for a long time. And you don't even know it. Because between Severus' obvious Jealousy and wavering faith in the world and James Potter's overconfidence, you would rather deal with a boy who doesn't need your saving. Maybe you're just selfish. Or maybe you're just human.
And maybe you just don't have the patience to try to save Severus anymore.
Your excuse spouted the moment that horrific name left his lips. The moment he decided to utter the disgusing swear word his newfound friends implanted in his memory, your chance shot forward. You seized it like a life vest, like you knew you could ethier save yourself now, or be dragged down with him. Because you could handle James Potter it ignorant, arrogant prat.
You couldn't handle Severus Snape, the Death Eater.
Maybe you just tell yourself you were selfish because it hurts less, then telling yourself you couldn't save him. And you couldn't watch him become one of those.
AN: Hopefully that wasn't too confusing. I wanted to show my interpretation of their thoughts at the time. Its during the fifth year argument if you didn't guess. comments are appreciated.