You may notice this last edition is more story-based…
And a Shed. mov reference.
"Out of my way, parasites!" Lord Zalgo shoved the creepypastas of the UnderRealm out of his way and onto the side of the road. He sprinted, holding a bouquet of flowers close to his chest, as he crashed down the hospital doors. The entire lobby stared at him wide-eyed as The Imperial March played in the background. Zalgo narrowed his eyes and stomped past, the staff and receptionist quivered in fear as they stood to the sides. He skipped the lift and jumped up the stairs, the staff screaming as they jumped out of the way before hitting the bottom. Zalgo ran down the corridor, but slipped on a wet puddle and slid down the hallway, knocking into Jeff and Jane like a missile from their mop fight.
Zalgo crashed through the door to Jeeves' room- startling him. Zalgo got up, panting and gave the flowers to Jeeves. "How are you feeling?"
Jeeves lay back on his bed. "The doctor said that they're trying to locate a cure but-" He coughed. He looked much paler and he closed his eyes. His body felt so much weaker, he became the virus' punch bag, and he could barely lift a book. "But… it's hard. The only company who made them discontinued them; the nurse said there's only one left in the world."
The flowers bent over, and started to turn black. Zalgo dabbed his eyes with a tissue and stood up with a hard face. "Jeeves, you're my right-hand man, I will find that cure!" He laid his hand on the bed.
"My Lord, please reconsider," Jeeves coughed, letting out a sigh. "The future is bleak with hope. Please, your time is far more worthy."
Zalgo held his shoulder and smiled. "Not to worry, Jeeves. I am the Lord and ruler of all these scum, I'll find you that cure. For now though," he removed Mr Puggles from his shoulder and sat the cat on Jeeves' lap. "Mr Puggles will keep you company. Rest now." Zalgo left the room, leaving Jeeves with the cat. Jeeves turned his head to look out the window overlooking the UnderRealm. He had a terrible feeling about this in the pit of his stomach, his Lord's anger wasn't good for his mental health.
Outside the massive building, Zalgo stroked his chin like an old, deranged, and senile wizard, pondering on where the first place to look first for the cure. He did not want to return to his palace. Then he appeared in his thoughts. Zalgo narrowed his eyes, he was replaced by Jeeves for the last 50 years- Zalgo did not want to see that old wrinkly skunk face. Zalgo dragged his hands down his face. "Maybe food will help me think…" He mumbled.
A pasta was walking by and stopped in its tracks. "I think you've had enough to eat."
Zalgo's head snapped a full 90 degrees at the pasta. "Are you calling me fat?!"
"No, I'm calling you morbidly obese."
Zalgo's jaw dropped at the pasta's rudeness. He grabbed their head and fired them into a pole, knocking them out. "Rude thunder thighs." He left the UnderRealm, gazing at his sweet palace one last time before heading up to the human realm. He stepped out of the portal, and examined the forest surrounding him. He went west, through trees, his cape flowing with the wind. He came to a hill, and saw a little fawn eating. He blinked at nature's creation. He bent down, lifted a rock and hurled it at the fawn. He snickered and slapped his knee. "Headshot!" His eyes spotted a cabin in a clearing.
He slid down the hill and sighed. He approached the door and knocked. It opened a moment later to reveal a cloaked figure. When he saw his Lord's face, he let out a squeal of delight, his eyes sparkled. "My Lord, you've taken me back!"
Zalgo folded his arms and rolled his eyes. "Shadowlurker, it isn't like tha-" He was cut off when Shadowlurker got on his knees and began kissing Zalgo's feet. "Get off me!" He kicked him and Shadowlurker landed on the floor, his buttcheeks sounding like they were giving a round of applause.
He held the door open and gestured for his Lord to step inside, he coughed nervously when Zalgo didn't budge. "Six million years if evolution for me to fuck up," he mumbled. "Anyway, I have a treat for you!" He grinned and raced to the kitchen, and coming out with a green cake with flies buzzing around it.
Through war and famine, I serve and die for my one true ruler, my Lordship, master Zaglo.
"Zag-lo?!" Zalgo screeched and Shadowlurker's face dropped in dread. "You spelt my name wrong, imbecile!"
Shadowlurker bit his lip and threw the cake behind him. "E-er, well… material possessions don't matter. What matters is that you've forgiven me!" Shadowlurker held his arms out but Zalgo pushed him back.
"No, I haven't. I need your help, I need to find the cure for my current assistant."
Shadowlurker frowned and crossed his arms. "No way! I'm not helping the competition." Zalgo snarled and grabbed his throat. "O-or maybe I will, heh…!"
Zalgo smiled and removed his hand. "Good, I need you to lead me to some place called the 'Slender Mansion'. I need to see Octopusman and the Three Stooges." Shadowlurker saluted him and led the way through the forest, all while dancing and singing with joy about how his master had taken him back under his wing. The birds singing, the sun shining bright, the fluffy clouds giving way to let a beam of sunshine fall onto Shadowlurker like a stage. He saw a cat and ran towards it, stroking its soft fur.
"Kitty, kitty, cute kitty." He grinned. The cat hissed and scratched his face, he turned to his master with a wonky smile, his eye twitched. "I am blessed."
Zalgo stared at him, before sighing and rubbing his eyes. Lord Zalgo followed his disgrace of an ex-assistant until a grand manor appeared before them, hidden away from all humans. "So this is the infamous hell-hole," Zalgo commented.
They both stopped at the door, and exchanged looks from the ruckus inside. Zalgo opened the door with caution to see the three proxies in their underwear pole dancing while the pastas tossed brick loads of cash at them. Ben wore a thick fur coat, sunglasses and a massive purple hat. He noticed Zalgo and Shadowlurker- his smile immediately dropped and the pastas turned around. Everyone's faces were filled with horror. Zalgo's jaw dropped through the floor, the proxies jumped off the poles and scurried to get dressed, while everyone else was frozen.
Shadowlurker frowned. "How dare all of you! Our Lord and Saviour graces us with his presence and you dirty prostitutes can't even show some respect and dignity for the life he has given to you!"
The door creaked open and Bob and Rake appeared. They both stood still. Rake shook his head and sniffed the air before letting out a screech. "The smell of sweat here is enough to knock a skunk out! I'm surprised there isn't green gas around this room!" The pastas turned red and quickly disbanded in shame.
Zalgo marched forward through the crowd. "Out of my way, vibrator!" He shoved Toby and grabbed Ben by the collar, lifting him off the ground. Ben trembled and whimpered as his Lord's anger began to build. "You, red-eyed leprechaun, and Offender are by far the biggest mistakes I've ever made. In the history of existence, you two have been given more second chances than everyone put together." His six voices boomed through the room, echoing like he was in a cave.
Shadowlurker tapped his shoulder and dragged him upstairs. "Don't waste your time with them failures, let's focus on the now." They were at Slender's office, knocked and entered. The four brothers looked at them, all a little surprised. They walked towards the desk. Trender stopped redecorating as a chicken was in his hands. Offender hid behind Splendor, who snarled at him. That bastard wouldn't steal his wine!
Slender watched the duo sit in the armchairs in front of his desk. "Uh, what can I do for you?"
Zalgo cleared his throat. "We're looking a cure for Jeeves, he's fallen terminally ill, and we are hoping you could give us a starting point for the cure's location." Slender nodded and leaned back in his chair.
Offender let out a sigh of relief and smirked at Trender. "Hey Trendy, nice cock!"
Trender glared at him. "Oh ha, ha, very funny."
Offender walked towards him. "I was talkin' about your shaft." He grabbed Trender's crotch and he stiffened. He could feel everyone's blank stares on them. The entire room was silent, you couldn't even hear a feather drop. Offender smirked and teleported. Splendor looked down and took a large swig of his wine.
Slender cleared his throat. "Well, I remember Offendy talking about some 'trippy stuff'." Zalgo felt his entire body begin to twitch, if he- if he's been using it carelessly, then Offender the Sex Master is going to get gopher shit shoved down his throat. Slender continued, "I suggest looking around the forest. But he might be looking for a partner, he told us that he was sick of blowing up his girlfriend. We still don't understand his cryptic messages."
Splendor staggered towards him and leaned on his Lord's shoulder, the smell of drink assaulting Zalgo's nose. Zalgo didn't realise he needed a gas mask. Splendor giggled. "Hey, you're one crazy ogre, stay outta my shed, okay?" Splendor grinned and hiccupped.
"Uh, yeah…"
"G-great, Shrek! *Hic* Hey, stay out, okay? Don't go in *hic* shed. And remember! There's four '–tion' rules when living here: concentration, relaxation, participation and anal penetration." Splendor snickered and then fell, clutching his wine bottle.
Zalgo bid the losers farewell and began walking into the forest. Shadowlurker ran up beside him. "So, we're looking for Offender? Where'd you last see him?"
Zalgo paused, placing his hands on his hips. He waited for the realisation to hit Shadowlurker. "This is why you got fired."
Shadowlurker stood stunned like he was tasered in the butt. "Yes." Zalgo groaned and continued his agonising journey. After hours, Zalgo was two seconds away from bathing Shadowlurker in his own shit until a shed came in view. "Do you think we should open it?" Shadowlurker grab the knob. Zalgo nodded, the door creaked open and he hit the light switch. What they saw traumatised them.
The walls were covered in different sizes of baked potatoes, some of the potatoes were frozen having sex, with Spiderman cheering them on. Then some potatoes were posing for nudes, while another motorboated a potato toilet. Some potatoes were jacking off and spanking a jellyfish. Then there was a group of potatoes wearing cloaks and bowing before a picture of George W. Bush and showering him with condoms.
Zalgo looked down at Shadowlurker, who looked paler than a bag of crack. "My L-Lord, look at this disgusting pornography!" He picked up a magazine and began flicking through it. It was Playboy's special edition one-time-offer of potatoes slapping scrotums. "His dick looks like a traffic cone." Zalgo felt chills down his spine as he looked around- what in the name of the Beatles was Splendor up to since he began drinking?! Shadowlurker tossed the magazine away and went into the corner, where two potatoes were making out.
"Excuse me sirs, you're interrupting *hic* photography."
The temperature dropped in the room, Zalgo and Shadowlurker were stoned as Splendor stood there, a chainsaw raised high above his head, with a drunken yet aroused smile. "What did I tell you *hic* hippies about drinking my alcohol?!" The chainsaw growled and Splendor sprinted at them. Zalgo and Shadowlurker screamed, dodged the swinging chainsaw and crashed the door down. Splendor ran after them, letting out Latin chants and gibberish into the air as loud as a billion banshees and cows. "All will hail the potato king!"
Meanwhile, Offender was behind some bushes with his temporary boyfriend, who was gagged, blindfolded and shirtless. The man squealed and wriggled under Offender. Offender snickered. "Babe, I hope yours is a biggie because my hand cramps around small ones." The man let out a muffled scream. Offender had to bite his tongue. "Let's find some buried treasure under those boxers." Both the man and Offender paused as they heard something in the distance slowly close in on them. Offender let go of him and poked his head above the bushes. The man took off his gag and blindfold, grabbed his shirt and ran away.
Offender's mouth dropped open, seeing Shadowlurker and Zalgo run for their lives towards him with Splendy laughing like he absorbed helium. Zalgo and Offender made eye contact, and Offender decided to make a break for it once Zalgo smirked and increased his speed. Shadowlurker lifted up his cloak like Cinderella's dress. Offender eyed his only escape- a river. He made a mad dash for it and leaped into the water. He looked down and saw fish swimming around. "Ladies, please." A fish looked up at him and smacked his nuts. Then all the fish joined in the smacking party. Offender started crying and flailing his arms about.
Then he saw a piranha. Offender screamed and swam with the current, his legs kicking wildly. He was ready to smoke 9000 cigarettes.
Zalgo and Shadowlurker jumped into the river and swam after him. Splendor roared a war cry, shaking his chainsaw. He tossed it aside and leaped in, gaining on them like a cheetah pulling some sick moves hyped up on weed.
The piranha chomped its mouth near his buns, fuelled by the squeaking cheers of all the fish. Offender noticed that the river seemed to drop up ahead- a waterfall! He gasped and began to fight the current, but it was stronger than all his meaty muscles put together. He fell over the edge, screaming as he felt he was falling to his death. As Zalgo, Shadowlurker and Splendy appeared, he crashed into the water.
Zalgo searched up ahead for Offender's body. Just as Zalgo would see a baby on board sign- target acquired, going in for the kill- he propelled himself forward and grabbed Offender's ankles. They both came up to the surface, and Zalgo dragged him to the bank and sat on top of him to immobilise Offender. Shadowlurker crawled out a moment later, coughing. Zalgo grabbed Offender's collar. "Tell me where the cure is!"
"I-I don't have it! I don't know!"
"You lie!" Zalgo shook him.
Shadowlurker came up to them and he searched Offender's pockets. "Oh yeah, well, since when did you have two big ass balls?!" He took them out and shoved it in Offender's face with a smug grin.
"…Since I ran out of space to put my sperm."
Shadowlurker threw the balls away. "Yuck- gross!"
Zalgo sighed, bowed his head and stood up without a word. He left Splendor to care for Offender. Shadowlurker asked where he was going. Zalgo replied home, that he was sick of it all and wanted to get something before spending with Jeeves' last hours. Shadowlurker didn't know what to say, so they walked in silence.
Eventually by the evening, they found their way to the palace- Shadowlurker was in awe at it. Zalgo opened the doors and went into the kitchen. He froze, his mouth hung open- his knees ready to give way like spaghetti.
Jeeves was right there! Jeeves gasped and ran up to him in a hug. "My Lord! I'm so sorry sir, I tried contacting you about the cure they found up Offender's butthole." Jeeves and Shadowlurker looked at each other before shooting disgusted glares.
Zalgo was lost for words. "S-so, he had it this entire time…?"
"He did indeed."
"Oh…" Zalgo eyes remained blank and lifeless. "I… see…" Both his assistants began to get an uneasy feeling. "You know you two, I've put up with a lot. And I think it's time to remind these… ass fiddles their place. And you know what? I'm going to kill every single one of them." His smile grew up to his horns. "They're going to die…"
Shadowlurker stood still- his soul leaving his body. "B-but, you can't do that! You created them, and you've sworn to look after them- you've been doing so well!"
Zalgo let his blank gaze fall on Shadowlurker before letting out a sinister chuckle.
"̯̫͖̞͚͈͒̎ͣ̿ͯͣD̻͇̅ő̱̮̮̗̿͒́ͅ ̜͖͈̮͖̤ͮ͛ͦͣ̂y͚̔ȏ̯̹͔u̹̗̲̗ͬ ̝̦͔͈̠̰͕̆ͫ̋t̜̤̯̫̥͕̭ͣ̅̓̇̅h͈͋̏i͍̥͗ͫn̳͉̲͉͈̤̐͋́ͥ̉́̾ḳ͎̍ͧ̅ͮ̉͂͒ ̯͎̦̜͙̻t͍̙̟̒̒̊h̭̄̽ï͉̱ͫͥ̀͗̓s̼̹̙̩̮̩̏ͨ̀ ̫̦̱̣͓̞̓i̳̞s̪̥͈͓̭͊̈ ̪̹̫͗́̑̈́̐̽̚a͕̦ͭ̈ ͉͊͌͒ͦ͗̍͂p̭͖̦ͥr͖̙̳̓ͯ̊o͎̯̞̳͑̃͂ͣb̞̐͆l̼̮̯̻̠͒̎ͬ̈̇̿̓ĕ͎̗̃̇ͯm͈̹͙̫͙̳̌̽ͫ̈?͖̱̦̲̳"̱̇
True insanity is making a room full of creepy potatoes…
Part 2 will be uploaded as another chapter!