fandom: gravitation
title: at your mercy
pairing: ryuichi + tatsuha
rating: pg
Description - Taking place one year after the manga ending, Ryuichi comes back to Japan with Tatsuha still chasing after him…
Disclaimer - Murakami Maki-sama owns Gravitation. I'm just a Ryuichi lover just like our fanboy Tatsuha.
at your mercy.
By miyamoto yui
"You better make your way with this, or else I'll disown you."
These weren't the words of my dad, but my ever-loving Aniki.
I remembered these words as I stood here with my jean jacket and as I squished into my rightfully owned place. I stuck it out for days here! I didn't ask for anyone's help or any of their connections to save a place for me. I had to do it by myself.
And for him, I would do absolutely anything.
Besides, no one who knew me would have questioned my actions. Rain, shine, or snow, no one was going to steal my spot from capturing the best angles of my Honey~! That was like asking for your exact date of death. ^_^
Of course I knew everything about him! I was his fan boy after all!
Sure, he somewhat remembered me before he went back to America, but he came back again! He was to be coming out of those doors with an award recognizing his achievements in the Japanese music industry. It was going to be recorded tomorrow that he was one of the youngest to receive such an honor. In fact, the committee was still pushing for a separate award under his name since he was the only Japanese artist to be successful worldwide.
It's about time if you asked me!
When he came down the rain of flashing lights with an energetic run, he laughed while waving both of his hands. What kind of man would come to a music award contest with black suspenders, a short sleeved, white blouse, a large black tie, and shorts with their zipper half opened but looking as cute and sexy as ever?
Well, no else could ever pull that off.
I bet starting tonight, the row of imitations were sure to come.
I clicked away from my place in the front, but in the middle. It made me happy that I was able to see him over and over again. It was the closest that I could ever get to him anyway. This was as far as I could reach out towards my tangible dream without asking someone else to push me along.
I wanted to do this by myself.
"Ryuichi…" I mumbled quietly, a whisper lost in the chaotic crowd.
As I got a close-up, profile shot as he was walking by with the shutters of the camera closing and opening quickly, he stopped running. The childish gleam within his eyes became an attractive, adult look of seduction.
With a serious expression, he glanced at me.
In fact, he put his hand up to make everyone stop taking pictures.
The excitement died as he said, "I want _you_ to take my picture."
The people turned their heads from side to side with questions in their eyes, but couldn't ask with their mouths.
I focused the lens, but as I was about to take the picture, he reached out his hand to me. With half-open eyes, he stood there in all his luscious glory. His index finger gestured for me to come to him.
When I put the camera down, he grabbed my chin and quickly whispered into my ear, "Let's always play this game, Tatsuha-kun."
Then, he let go and I couldn't feel my chin anymore. It was already burned.
I wasn't meant to feel it anymore.
Just like my heart.
He already stored it for himself before I even met him.
The only feelings or emotions I could feel were only to fill the gap left behind. Or rather, there was no room for anything else…
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Needless to say, my picture was the best one from the music awards ceremony and I was given a day off.
I spent it by walking to a nearby zoo. I always seemed to go there whenever I needed to relax.
I never thought dressing up in the most ridiculous costumes would be so fun. It was so him, after all.
It was all that I could ever think about ever since I stole one of my brother's cd and claimed it as my own. He was so mad at me, but I treasured that thing even more than he did. I would place it next to my pillow and sleep next to it. Of course, it was protected with bubble wrap and everything so that it wouldn't get scratched.
Oh god no. To let that thing get dust or scratched? The sacrilege!
I left the zoo and went to a café. I ended up ordering some coffee and writing a letter to my dad. I sent him a letter along with the article and my pictures with it.
Maybe he would throw it away. Maybe he wouldn't.
I didn't really care either way.
I was just sorry I couldn't take over the temple.
With a sigh, I got up as soon as possible so that I wouldn't dwell on it for too long. I left the café and went to the nearest post office to drop off the letter. Then, I caught the subway to go home.
I smiled when I opened my creaky door and closed it.
As I flipped up the switch, I kissed the Ryuichi picture nailed on the wall to my right. It was the one that I recently took at the awards ceremony.
It always amazed me how long I could stare at him through pictures, read about him in magazine articles, and listen to his recordings. I wouldn't ever get bored. It just made me think of new things to fantasize about.
"Hello, Honey," I solemnly said while touching the plastic lips with my two fingers.
Then, I turned away. I went into my room and opened the balcony door to air the stuffy room. I jumped on the bed and sighed. I was so dead tired and it was only seven o'clock in the evening.
I was so proud of myself, but all of that was always left outside of the door.
I closed my eyes as I heard the honking of cars and people talking outside. I touched my chin with my fingers.
Trying to recall the feeling, I was losing myself to yesterday. My heart was beating faster as I imagined him watching me.
You're spreading your fingers over the outline of my jaw and going down my neck with your thumb and middle finger. You graze your hand over my collarbone, but how are your fingers getting hotter?
Oh, that's right. You're Sakuma Ryuichi-sama.
You can do anything as you please…
Especially with me…
"Tatsuha."
I open my eyes and I pull my own hand away.
I sat up. I was doing it again.
I promised myself one thing: No one but Ryuichi would ever touch me. Not even a fake or imaginary one.
I, Uesugi Tatsuha, gave up sex in hope of getting the real thing from the one person I wanted it from. Hard to believe, wasn't it? I couldn't believe I'd made the same bet with myself.
But I couldn't be satisfied with anyone anymore.
No matter what, my body was cold.
I took a deep breath and tried to go to sleep. I hugged my pillow…
…with, of course, that prized cd securely placed above me on one corner of the bed.
"Ryuichi…" I mumbled while closing my eyes tightly.
I suffocated the air out of my pillow…
That's how it was everyday. I went to work and then I came back. It was a routine I grew accustomed to, but all in all, I was just happy to move all the way here to Tokyo.
I just came for him anyway.
Tohma-san said he'd be for a year…
As I chased after my dream all over the nation, I kept this in mind. I was being paid to stalk him. There was actually a benefit to this, huh?
I laughed and smiled in front of him as he did with me.
But the songs were getting more vigorous.
The wanting was deeper and more raw.
The lyrics were becoming more heartbreakingly sad.
I didn't know that that was even possible for him…
He started on an album made of fairy tales that he made up. 'Le Prince' was the latest single he released and it was the first for this particular compilation.
It was about a man who was destined to become king. He went into the human world to find a partner he could bring back with him.
But the person said he or she couldn't come. Ryuichi wasn't specific as to why.
The lyrics repeated at the end in a riddle of quick questions in rap style:
"Tell me, kiss me, hate me?
Burn my skin with your cigarette?
Mark me as yours with only that?
Who was who when we first started?
The leader or the follower?
Keep me, lose me, rape me?"
Then, it finishes, "You've done it already. Let me continue in my insanity. Let me dream this beautiful, haunting dream."
Only one year to chase after you and where will you go, my love?
But you were not making it easier on me. There were always other people around you, but it isn't me. You made love to the camera and the microphone stand, and I became a little jealous.
I was just a person in the crowd all over again. And every time I wanted to give you up, you kept on winking at me as if we had a secret only we shared.
You're driving me insane.
I already lost most of my sanity over the years when I chased after your merchandise, music, concerts, and tours. Even to your look-alike Shuichi. I had slept with many people pretending it's you that I was making love to.
I'd been trying to catch you for years, but the only thing I ended up was being next to you for a few seconds.
You're making me lose the little sensibility that's left inside me.
When did I ever think that watching you was enough? That must have been ages ago with all my naivete.
Running and running from place to place, I got closer to you and you're quick to please. You pushed just as hard to get away.
"Kamisama, save me!" I said whenever they took pictures of you because I wanted you all to myself. The other photographers were swallowing me up in their swarm.
You just smirked and happily shouted, "That's why I'm here!"
One time, you pulled me from the crowd and we ran together hand-in-hand. Then, you had to let go after saving me.
You brushed a kiss against me and disappeared all over again.
Whether I touched you or not, you were still the illusion you had always been to me.
I spent my days smiling while the nights were filled with such excruciating, breath-binding sorrow. I couldn't even move my mouth sometimes.
That's why I didn't ever let you see me at night.
/"What do you mean, Tatsuha?!" Dad shouted while grabbing his heart.
Calmly, I said with a serious face, "I'm going to live in Tokyo and become a music photographer."
Dad shook his head. "Music is evil. It's taken away all of my children."
Lost in a memory, he quietly said, "Even him."
"Who?" When had my dad ever acted so sentimental except with talking about mom?
He pointed his head downwards. "Nothing, Tatsuha."
There was silence.
He took a deep breath. "You're the only one I can rely on."
Aniki, who was standing at one side of the room with his arms crossed and leaning his back on a wall, cleared his throat or made some kind of noise.
Dad eyed him. He wasn't going to tolerate two disobedient sons.
"I want to do this. This is my dream."
My father closed his eyes. "You'll be chasing him forever, Tatsuha."
Time stopped when he told me that.
My father had known all along.
He wasn't mad that I wasn't continuing the family traditions and the temple. In so many words, even though Aniki and he didn't come to a mutual understanding, he was always thinking about us.
Most of all, about me.
He didn't want me to get hurt. By what?
His grave voice was altered from the father I had always known, strict, but firm. Almost downright stubborn and evil.
He and Aniki were so similar in nature that it was scary.
I understood the worried message.
Yes…
I wanted to falter…
I wanted a reason to turn back…
I was so scared that I wanted to run away…
But I found myself bowing my head to the ground.
I had to be honest to him and to myself.
"Photography isn't my goal, but it is something I love." I clenched my fingers even tighter. "It is something that will get me closer to my dream, even if I never get it."
It's like trying to touch a star even if you'll never get close.
The sun's rays touch me, but I can't ever touch it back…
"Why, Tatsuha?"
"He's the only one who got me through everything with his music."
I pressed my head on the floor even more. I wasn't going to cry, damn it!
"No one may understand me, but he is the only thing I know how to live for."/
Thunk.
Opened my eyes and a tear went down my face.
But there you were.
You were here? How did you know where I lived? Why were you here?
You're actually in my room.
The lights were positioned in different angles to present the walls better. Even though I desperately wanted to, I didn't turn my head away from you.
Inside my head, I cursed myself for leaving the door open. I accidentally forgot to lock it and I was too distracted to notice you already in the middle of my room.
You're staring at yourself.
Yes, I have everything in print about you and everything you've ever released. But that's not what you saw here.
I had taken so many pictures of you that the collage made up one large headshot of you with your eyes closed and a smile so wide.
But I'd never seen you truly smile before.
I'd seen the concerts and the interviews, but those weren't the real ones. I felt that they weren't. I was trying to capture as much as I can with my two hands.
This was what I had envisioned.
Deep inside, even though I was acting calm and quiet, I was mortified. What did you think of me now? Were you scared of my obsession? Were you going to push me away like so many people who said that my admiration for you was abnormal?
I was so scared of your reaction, but I couldn't pry my eyes away from your face.
I watched your expression while holding my breath.
You're still staring. You dropped whatever's in your bag.
Even the Kumagorou in your hands.
"Get out."
Why? Why was I saying this?
Wasn't this what I had always wanted?
These weren't the words I want to say to you! But it's no fair now.
I drove you crazy because I wanted you to guess. And I played along so that I could imagine that you cared for me.
I wanted to win you fair and square, without tricks or seductions.
I wanted you to choose me for yourself, not because you'd seen my feelings so blatantly plastered before your very eyes.
"When did you…" He stopped as he was about to touch the picture of himself when he performed "Predilection" with Shuichi and holding onto his waist.
"Get out!" I shouted as I pushed him away and towards the front door.
He stood outside as if he were frozen. He was still in shock.
I ran back to hand him his bag and Kuma.
I firmly looked into his eyes, "I don't ever want to see you again."
I wanted to kill myself because even I couldn't believe what I'd just done.
I closed the door and slipped to the ground.
I did nothing but cry.
My fragile, collapsible dream had finally given way to its own burdensome weight.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
When I woke up, I groggily brushed my teeth and washed my face. Limply, I dressed myself for work. I fix myself up to look as if everything as it should have been.
Of course, everything was broken and I was taking the pieces that were left and forcing them together. The happiness that used to motivate me was totally gone.
I sighed. I open the front door of my apartment.
There you were with your head in your knees.
You sneezed and woke up.
I took a deep breath and I didn't care who I woke up. I was so mad that he was coming down with a cold! "Stupid! Why'd you stay here?! Didn't I say that I didn't want to see you ever again?! Are you deaf?!"
You shook your head like a kid who didn't understand my scolding.
You frowned at me. You looked up with tears in your eyes. "Why get up when there's nothing to look forward to?"
But your eyes changed in shape. I gulped.
"You're not allowed to stop this without my permission…"
You got up from the floor and a shiver went down my heart. I felt my blood turn cold as you transformed from sad into serious.
Those eyes wanted to rip me apart.
They are tearing me limb by limb with their passion towards me.
You grabbed my chin. "After all, you belong to me and no one else."
I blinked at you because was I honestly afraid. Those eyes that looked at me with such kindness and the ones that looked so cruel and enticing on the television now didn't look like they belonged to the same person once I saw them up close.
You push me through the door and I stepped backwards following your pace without protesting.
I had never truly panicked in my whole life, not even with my brother. I was terrified.
My heart skipped a beat.
Weren't these the eyes that I always wanted to look back at me?
He closed the door behind him, but he didn't take his eyes off me. He locked the door.
Even though he's shorter than me, he lifted me up and carried me to my room.
He throws me roughly on the floor.
He's so strong…
I…couldn't wring away…
As he pinned my wrists down onto the carpet, I looked into his eyes. His intensity was ready to burn me to ashes.
Why wasn't I doing anything?
That's right. This is the person I had wanted in any way…
Who I wanted anything from…
I was so pathetic…
"Why do you always think you can decide things on your own, Tatsuha?!"
"Huh?" I blinked up at him. "Why are you mad at me?!"
"I secretly came back to Japan before that awards ceremony. I went to Kyoto looking for you, but you were gone!"
"What?!"
"Your brother said that you came to Tokyo to pursue your career because you wanted to find me. That's why I played along!"
Then, the innocence that had taken everyone's hearts was melting before me. Those harsh eyes were becoming soft and filled with tears.
"When I went to America, after a few months, I realized what I was missing. It wasn't acting that was going to fill me up inside. I've been doing it all my life, Tatsuha-kun…" He shook his head and then his tears fell onto my cheeks.
Small raindrops from god himself.
"You kept on appearing in my dreams. You kept on smiling at me. Over and over, you kept on smiling at me even though I did the stupidest things like dress us up for the zoo."
His grip on my wrists loosened.
I was too shocked to do anything. I just watched him in awe of his power and vulnerability.
I wanted him.
I always wanted him…
He sat on my stomach and wiped his eyes with his palms. Then, he leaned down and held my cheeks.
"What did you do? I didn't even see you very much, but you were stuck inside of me, an ache in my heart that reverberated as time went by and I couldn't ignore the pain. I asked myself so many times what did you do to me. What did you do to me? To make me cry at night for you.
And then when I realized all this, I left the next day. I had to find out."
By the end of this, I had tears in my eyes too.
"So, look me in the eye like you always have when you're telling the truth. If it is true that you don't want to ever see me again, then I'll never bother you again." He leaned down and kissed me.
When he pulled his tongue away from mine, the taste was still too fresh, but the wound was deeper than before.
"I never followed anyone's rules. In fact, I always did what people advised me not to do. It's the same with the people I always seemed to fall for. I always liked 'ordinary, shy' people who never really talked or rigid people who were sharp with their tongue. But I guess I was not meant to be with someone like that. The person I loved had to be extraordinary and strong enough to handle me...
...and therefore, I am at your mercy."
With his lips closed, his pride refused to tell me what they wanted to add:
"I don't care what you do to me now. Just don't turn away from me."
At that moment, I reached out for my dream and grabbed his neck. I pulled him down to kiss me. When he took a deep breath, he got off of me and sat on the floor with his back against the bed.
He shook his head at me as I faced him. While kneeling before him, his legs were spread out before me. "Touch me."
I unbuttoned his shirt and felt his small, pliable waist in between my hands.
"Don't close your eyes. Keeping on looking at me." He pulled my arms with an urgent yearning. "Please come closer…"
I ended up kissing him on the lips, but as I pressed my body against his and our legs entangled, I put my arms around him. I was still amazed that my clothes were still on.
The moment I had always waited for was unexpected.
I wanted more than his voice or his body.
In a little voice, he whispered into my ear while I buried my head onto his shoulder, "I finally found you, Tatsuha-kun."
"What do you mean?" My heart was bleeding before me. Tears went down my face. Why was my god crying for someone like me?
I tried to laugh so that it would make him smile. "What are you saying? I was just here waiting for you. Even if you never came."
I glanced up at all the pictures and grinned as you smiled at me.
The pictures were glowing brighter than before.
I caught your eyes staring into mine and I closed my own. "So that's where you've been all this time, Ryuichi-sama…"
His voice cracked.
"Finally, I'm not wandering anymore…
…I've finally found a place where I belong."
He wrapped his arms around me tighter and warmer than before.
I touched your lips with my index finger to make sure you were made of flesh…
This time,
you were real.
Owari.
Author's note:I'd been making so much angst that it made me now want something sweet. I hope the all sweetness is giving you a toothache. If it didn't, then damn it, I've gotta try harder next time! ^_~
This is just a piece rewrote from a part of my 'neverending' manuscript of rough draft short stories. I thought I'd use it for Gravi. Since I have not violate-I mean, molest-er, touched Ryuichi for a while, I felt insufficient. *_* It was short, but hopefully cute.
Love,
Miyamoto Yui
Saturday, April 9, 2005
1:06 AM