"No no no no no! Not again! Please!"
Alexander looked back with a start. He'd heard her sound like that before. The image of a little girl holding onto him tightly and crying like someone was dying. He almost felt guilty for making her feel like that again, but he wasn't leaving. Or at least he wasn't leaving like he had last time. He would be back. Alexander couldn't understand why she was acting like this.
"Johanna, what-"
"You can't leave me again, Alex. You can't! I can't handle it. I can't take it. Please don't leave me." Her voice cracked and went pitchy, making her sound like she was eight years old again. The guilt seeped in deeper.
I was part of this problem, wasn't I? As the realization dawned on him, Alexander moved forward to wrap the panicked girl in his arms. He expected her to tense up, to be surprised, and not to hug him back fiercely. Johanna was shaking. Her hands balled up in his shirt and her face buried into his neck. It felt like she was trying to mash herself into him.
Alexander could understand that on some level. He'd done the same with past lovers and even with his best friend after they'd fought. He knew at least the basics of what was happening. It was just very different from when it happened to him. The receiving end felt more painful, or maybe that was just because he knew it was all his fault. He did this to her. He scared her. He scared her.
He opened his mouth to apologize to her, for more than just the current situation, but she beat him to it.
"If I sleep you won't come back. You'll leave forever. You do every time. Don't leave me, Alex. Please don't. I need you. Nothing else feels as safe as you. Nothing else makes everything hurt less. I don't hurt when I'm with you. I cry but I don't hurt, so please don't leave me all alone again. Don't leave, Alex…"
"Shhhh, shhhh. I'm right here. I'm not leaving, I'm staying here. It's okay, Anna. I'm here. Breathe deep." Despite what he said, Alexander had no clue if this was actually helping in any way. She was still shivering and shaking as he held her, like nothing could calm her. He knew it wasn't that easy, that words weren't always enough, but it helped when she'd had nightmares and he'd been told it could help when she had breakdowns.
Abandonment issues don't work the same way as nightmares, he chided. And you know that as well as anyone else. Alexander gathered Johanna up and moved her to a chair, telling her that she was going to fall if she didn't sit down. She made no signs of acknowledging what he was saying but let him set her down. She didn't let go, though. Alexander wasn't really expecting her to.
"Alex-"
"I'm here, Anna. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not going to leave you like that again. I'm sorry I did that to you."
Johanna let out a broken sob and tried to bury her face into his chest. He let her do it, thinking it might help if she wasn't looking at him. Johanna mumbled something that Alexander couldn't quite make out but he let it go. He'd ask when it felt less like she was going to fall to pieces.
[]
Eliza?
"Yes, James?"
You'll keep an eye on him, right?
"Why would I need to look after Alexander? You seem to keep tabs on him well enough."
You make that sound much worse than it is. I just tell him to go to bed when it hits midnight. He won't remember to do it otherwise.
"Pfft… I'm sure he'd remember. He just wouldn't."
I'm not kidding. It slips his mind that his body won't function if he doesn't sleep. Back to your question. He tends to blame himself for everything and I think he'd be more willing to listen to you than he is me.
"Oh? Why?"
…I don't think I can really explain it all. Let's leave it at he doesn't like me.
"I think you'll have to explain it more than that, but I'll trust you for now. What's bringing this up though? Did something happen?"
No. Not yet… I just have a feeling.
"Does this have to do with-"
I'd rather tell you in person. It's… Easier that way.
"Alright, alright… You Hamiltons are very particular about how you do things."
Mmm. It's a family curse.