entitled; i can't lose you, too.
summary; 'slowly, she was unwinding, slowly, the guilt was suffocating her. she'd personally killed finn, and she had come this close to being at fault for bellamy's death as well. " i can't lose you, too. " she couldn't, but it was her own fault that she almost did.'
rating; t
disclaimer; if i owned the 100 you'd all be dead by now. like seriously the angst and feels would have just stopped your poor little hearts by now.
word count; 3,756
notes; maybe some spoilers, mostly speculation. enjoy my pain.
i can't lose you, too.
.
She had only realized something was wrong when it was too late.
' Bellamy hasn't made contact. '
' Clarke, something's wrong he should have been back by now. '
' I told you this was a prayer that would go unanswered. '
She still had all the faith in the world that Bellamy would follow through. She wanted to believe that Bellamy was incapable of being caught, that it was impossible for him to fail.
But he was only human.
.
Octavia was the first to take action.
The worry she had for both her brother and her lover was contagious, and before she knew it, the two were on their way to Mount Weather.
Octavia had protested, even Raven, in her well-placed rage towards Clarke, had tried to convince her to stay behind and lead as she had been doing, but her mind was set and there was no changing it.
She knew leaving her mother in charge was no good, so she left Lexa with the knowledge that if any decisions were to be made in her absence, they were to be made by Raven, and Raven alone.
"How are you sure I won't lead this truce straight into the ground?" Raven asked her upon finding out, all sarcasm and eye rolls, her arms folded over her chest. "Me and them, we're not exactly in a good place."
"You won't." Clarke had told her, seriousness etched on her features, "You know, as well as I do, that letting this truce die, means Finn's death was for nothing and you wouldn't let that happen."
There was pain, and then there was a rage that Raven did well to repress as she gave Clarke a curt nod and let her be on her way.
She didn't want to bring Finn's death up, didn't want to give Raven anymore reason to hate her, but she couldn't let her emotions cloud her judgment; it would only end badly.
.
"They're going to be alright, you know that, don't you?" In all honesty, Clarke was trying to convince herself far more than she was trying to convince Octavia.
"I'm just worried—Clarke. They turned Lincoln into a Reaper once, they would very well do it again." Octavia responded, leaving the knowledge that they could do the same thing to Bellamy as well hanging in the air.
It made her all too uncomfortable and she was content to leaving the rest of their trip pass in silence.
.
When they reached Mount Weather, things became a little more difficult, if only because she had given Bellamy her map and she wasn't completely positive of where they would end up. Her memory was good, but there were some things she couldn't afford to have approximate knowledge of at that very moment. It would put her and Octavia in danger, and completely throw the possibility of getting to Bellamy and Lincoln out the window.
So, she was relieved that when she told Octavia they would end up in the room of Grounder test subjects in cages, she was right. The sight of it all had her feeling nauseous, and she wanted nothing more than to let them all out then and there, but she couldn't risk it until they found Bellamy.
"Clarke?"
Both she and Octavia jerked their attention towards the broken voice, and Clarke's heart ached when she found the owner of that voice to be none other than Monty. He was locked in a cage of his own, a lower one placed directly under one that held Harper, who looked in worse condition than he did, which wasn't that much better, really.
"Monty." She breathed, racing over to his cage and tugging on the door despite knowing it was locked. "What happened? What are they doing to you guys? Are any of the others down here?"
The questions flew from her mouth before she could pace herself, and she found him quickly shaking his head. "I got caught—I was getting rid of the jam they put on the radios. I was stupid. Harper was taken before me, but she's been so out of it that I haven't been able to get much out of her. They hurt her bad. I don't think they've brought any of the others down here. The only thing I've seen since I came down here was them bringing in a new Grounder, but I didn't get a look at who it could have been."
She heard Octavia's intake of breath, and her own heart stopped in her chest. Both Lincoln and Bellamy were dressed in Grounder attire, and if they'd brought someone in recently, chances were that it could have been either of them.
"Where did they take the Grounder?" Octavia quickly asked, and Monty turned to the left, pointing to a large door that Clarke vaguely remembered catching sight of when she was in here with Anya.
Turning her attention back to Monty, Clarke muttered, "We're going to get you out of here, do you hear me? We sent Bellamy over in hopes of finding a way to lower their defenses so we can get all of you guys and the Grounders out, but we hadn't heard from Bellamy." She turned to Octavia then, "I need you to get him out—" She looked to Harper, the pain in her heart growing stronger, but knowing that she would be of no help to them at the moment, and quickly looked back to Octavia, "—Get him out and have him lead you inside so you guys can lower their defenses. I'm going to go in there and see if it's Bellamy or Lincoln they've got. Whoever it is, we'll try finding the other. If we're not here when you get back, Octavia, you need to go and tell Lexa that they need to attack."
She could see Octavia's reluctance, see that she was ready to protest and argue that it was her brother, her lover, her responsibility But maybe she saw something in Clarke's face, maybe she knew something that Clarke had yet to acknowledge—whatever the reason, she held her tongue and nodded.
Breathing a sigh of relief, Clarke threw her arms around the girl and held her tightly.
"May we meet again." Octavia whispered, and Clarke's heart ached that much more.
"May we meet again." She repeated, before letting her friend go, giving Monty a faint smile and a nod, and heading in the direction Monty had pointed her.
Immediately the insecurities came crashing through, the doubt and fear of her own abilities, but those were just as quickly overwhelmed by the absolute fear that it had been Bellamy they captured and he was already dead.
' No. ' She squashed the fear so quickly and slowly tested the doorknob, feeling both relieved and terrified that it was unlocked.
Taking a peek inside, she noted mostly darkness, the same blue glow that lingered in the room she was currently in making the room feel just as, if not more, disturbing. There were tables with weapons and tools, white suits hanging from the walls, a computer or two, but the thing that caught her attention, the thing that made her blood run cold, was right in the middle of the room.
It was larger than the ones outside, enough to keep whomever they put inside standing upright, or, in this case, hanging by a pair of handcuffs from the top of the cage.
"Bellamy—" It was nothing more than a whisper, though pained as it was, but somehow, he heard it.
He lifted his head slowly, half-lidded eyes gazing at her and the broken look on his face had her running towards the cage.
"Oh God, Bellamy, what did they do to you?"
"You—You're here. Why are you here?" He managed, his voice cracking a couple of times, making the ache in her chest that much worse.
"We didn't hear back from you, you and Lincoln never came back." She muttered turning to the tools, trying to keep herself from falling apart by searching for something to help her break the lock on the cage, and the cuffs that kept him suspended. "Octavia and I came to look for you, to make sure you were alright."
"You brought Octavia—"
He sounded like he wanted to be angry with her, but he simply didn't have the energy and she quickly interrupted, "You know better than I, that if she wanted to come, she was going to come, with or without me."
He was silent, and for that she was grateful for it, because she was able to keep herself distracted long enough to find what looked like a pair of pliers. She dreaded the possibility of them having used these on him already, but she pushed the thought aside and turned back to the cage. They weren't strong enough to break the lock completely, but she managed to twist the metal enough to pull the damn thing open and yank the cage door open.
Rushing inside, she let the pliers drop and moved over to inspect Bellamy, feeling her heart break a little at the way he flinched at her touch. "I'm so sorry, Bellamy."
He met her gaze then, shaking his head slowly, but she never got to hear what he had to say because she heard something back in the other room and her heart froze. Quickly, she reached for the pliers and snapped the cuffs that held Bellamy. She caught him as he fell to his feet, making sure he didn't crumble as she led him towards the back of the room, where it was pitch black and they'd have less chance of being seen. With her luck, they would see the room's door left ajar and the empty cage, and think he'd run out. Especially with Octavia having gotten Monty out. They were more likely to think he'd helped Monty escape than to believe he'd stuck around for any reason.
Hiding behind under a table near the back, she pressed closer to Bellamy, painfully aware of his bare chest as the door flew open and the sound of shuffling filled her ears. It lingered for a bit, mixing with the sound of metal as they stepped into the cage and stared dumbfounded.
It couldn't have been more than a few minutes before they took off again, but to Clarke it felt like ages. Once they were gone, however, she felt like she could breathe again and she turned her attention to Bellamy.
"Are you able to walk?" She asked, taking in the fact that he'd had his eyes shut the entire time and was breathing heavily. It terrified her, but he nodded, putting her mind at ease for the time being and they moved.
There was an alarm that started then, the one that had once indicated that there was a radiation breach, if she remembered correctly and she urged Bellamy to move as quickly and quietly as possible. She had told Octavia to meet her back in that other room, but she didn't think that they'd be able to linger if they were trying to make sure no one else came back to free Harper, since they'd left her behind. She hoped Octavia and Monty would be able to make their way back outside.
Meanwhile she'd managed to find an air vent and worked on prying it open as quickly as possible before urging Bellamy inside. She followed soon after and made sure to shut properly. Once that was done she squeezed to the front, trying not to hurt Bellamy as she worked and reworked where she should be heading in her mind.
Quickly the gears had begun to work and it was all too easy to find the way back outside. Her mind was quick to focus on something more logical, to keep the emotions from overwhelming her. Still, once they got outside, the wait for Octavia and Monty had her nerves going nuts, her emotions started going haywire and Lexa's words echoed in her head again.
' Love is weakness.
Love is weakness.
Love is weakness. '
The Commander had already told her she was wrong, that Clarke wasn't weak, but it still lingered there. The knowledge that her emotions had made her weaker, had put things in a different perspective and it was difficult not to want to keep logic and emotion separate at the moment.
"Clarke if they're not out soon—"
"If they're not out soon you're heading back to Camp and I'm going back inside for them." She interrupted, a finality in her tone that she desperately hoped he didn't fight her on.
But it was Bellamy, so of course he did.
"Are you kidding me, I'm not letting you go back in there alone, and Octavia is my—"
"Your sister, your responsibility, but I am not letting you go back in there like this, Bellamy. I would have the best chance of finding them and getting them out of there. You know it." By then her voice was somewhat pleading; she didn't want to risk him ignoring her, didn't want to risk him getting captured and getting her because of her again.
She wouldn't be able to bear it.
When it seemed he would argue again, Octavia and Monty arrived, a heavily drugged out Lincoln in tow.
"What—Where did you find Lincoln?"
Octavia looked over at the Grounder, a pained expression on her features and Clarke quickly dismissed the matter; they needed to get back to Camp and alert Lexa immediately that they'd done what they needed to.
She would handle everything else afterward
.
Things changed dramatically after that.
They made it back to Camp, both Bellamy and Lincoln were forced to spend a good amount of time in Medical, while the soldiers and Grounders prepped for battle. She wanted to be a part of it, focus on getting their people out of Mount Weather, but along with her mother, Lexa didn't think it the smartest of ideas.
"You're needed here."
"But I know—"
"So, does that boy you brought back with you, and Octavia as well, should we need her. You've more than proven yourselves, but this is where you are needed." Lexa met Clarke's frustrated gaze then, "I promise you, we will bring back your people, Clarke."
It was because of Lexa she didn't protest any further.
But slowly, she was unwinding, slowly, the guilt was suffocating her.
She'd personally killed Finn, and she had come this close to being at fault for Bellamy's death as well.
' I can't lose you, too. '
She couldn't, but it was her own fault that she almost did.
.
She was purposefully ignoring the Medical tent after the others had left. Her nerves were getting the best of her, her nerves were going wild, but more than that, she was terrified of facing Bellamy.
She had no idea if he even wanted to see her, or speak to her, but she was doing all she could to avoid the possibility that he might shun her should she wish to visit him.
Her mother kept her updated on things, she'd seen both Murphy and Raven leave the Med area more than a couple of times, both shooting her looks that she couldn't quite decipher as they did so.
They probably blamed her for what happened to him, too.
.
The days bled into a week too quickly, but sooner than she expected, the first few people started to arrive. Among the first were Octavia, with Jasper, Miller, a group of other people and a few badly injured soldiers.
"Everyone's making their way back." Octavia offered her, "We got everybody out, but some of the Guard and the Grounders..." Her gaze landed on Miller, and immediately Clarke picked up what she was trying to say. Miller's dad didn't make it.
"I'm so sorry, Miller." Clarke mumbled, and the boy didn't really respond. He simply gave her a curt nod and dismissed himself without another word.
"How's my brother? And Lincoln?"
Clarke froze up a bit, not wanting to admit that she hadn't really spoken to Bellamy since they'd returned, but she managed a small smile and muttered, "According to my mother, the drugs should be well out of Lincoln's system by now and they should both be at full health soon."
Octavia smiled in return, but the look she gave Clarke told her that she wasn't fooling the brunette at all. "That's good. You can come with me to check up on them, then."
There was no room for protest, no time for her to object, because without a second's notice, Octavia laced her arm through Clarke's and led her towards Medical.
Stepping inside was one of the most awkward and uncomfortable things she'd ever experienced in relation to Bellamy, and that was saying something, considering the things they'd been through. It was as if time slowed down the minute she stepped into the tent. His gaze was drawn to her the second she stepped inside, torn from her small frame only by his attention being stolen from her by Octavia. The girl wasted no time in wrapping her arms around her brother and making it known just how much she had missed him, and how glad she was to know that he was alright.
Clarke felt like she was intruding on something personal, but quickly Octavia's attention drifted to Lincoln and the couple seemed to lose themselves in their own little world.
"I'm glad you're feeling better." Clarke managed to get out, offering Bellamy a smile that felt too forced.
"You sure about that?" Bellamy bit out, a brow lifting as he walked over to where she stood.
"Is that seriously a question?" She asked, trying her best not to feel insulted, because she had been avoiding him completely and he had every right to be short with her. "Of course I'm sure, Bellamy."
He glanced in the direction of his sister and Lincoln, before deciding on leading Clarke outside. At first she wanted to protest, personally preferring that he not exert himself until he was at full health, but he made it clear all too quickly that there was no room for argument.
They didn't go that far, made it deep enough into the trees that no one would bother them, but not deep enough that they wouldn't be found easily if something were to happen. Once he stopped, his back to her, Clarke became restless, nervous—-her insides were doing the weirdest, most unpleasant things.
"You need to stop." He finally said, turning to face her with this fire in his eyes that took her completely by surprise.
"What?" she blurted out, eyes widening a fraction as she unconsciously took a step back.
"Do you think that we don't see—that I don't see that guilt on your face whenever I manage to catch sight of you? That I don't know you've been deliberately avoiding me since we got back to Camp, Clarke?" He'd taken another step towards her and she had to keep from walking back again, because this was Bellamy and he wasn't a threat.
"Bellamy—"
"No, Clarke, don't try to argue with me on this because you know I'm right." He interrupted, "What happened wasn't your fault."
"Yes, it was!" She argued, feeling the ache she'd been feeling in her heart since learning what happened to him grow that much stronger. "It was because I told you—I said it was too much of a risk and I let the pain of what I did to Finn, and Lexa's words talk me out of what I had already decided. Because no matter what I told you when I gave you the map, it wasn't worth the risk and I almost lost you because of it."
There was that look again, that look he always seemed to get whenever she told him he meant something to her. Like he wasn't entirely sure he was hearing things right, like he couldn't believe she was capable of needing someone like him so badly.
"I had all the faith in you, I was so positive that you would get in and get out but I was so lost in that faith in you that I failed to realize something was wrong until Octavia was ready to march out of Camp. And it was like all the fear of something happening to you, of you never coming back hit me hard. I couldn't lose you. It hadn't been worth the risk. Your life was not worth the risk." She paused then, realizing that she had gotten herself worked up so badly that she had been crying, her hands were shaking and Bellamy had to reach out to steady them. "They tortured you and hurt you, and probably would have killed you, Bellamy. I'm the one who told you to go—"
"Clarke, Clarke, stop." He muttered, fingers lacing themselves through hers as he gently pulled her forward. He kept one hand laced with hers as he snaked the other around her shoulders, holding her to him and resting his chin on her forehead. "We both know someone had to go. Without lowering their defenses we wouldn't have stood a chance. And in the end, I could have said no had I really not wanted to go, but it had to be done, Clarke."
The hand holding his tightened, her other hand curled into the fabric of his shirt and she held him tighter. She knew he had a point, knew his reasoning was more logical than the guilt plaguing her every moment of everyday.
But it was Bellamy and he could have died, and she knew that if that had actually happened, she never would have forgiven herself.
"Bellamy, I can't lose you." She mumbled, pulling back just enough to look up at him without letting go. She wasn't ready to let him go just yet.
And for the first time, he wasn't stunned silent. His eyes filled with a warmth that had her heart fluttering in her chest and he bent down to press a kiss to her forehead. "You won't lose me, Princess."
There was that conflicting feeling whenever she heard that nickname, that sharp pain that reminded her of what she did to Finn. However, there was also a bit of pleasure in it, in hearing it from Bellamy and realizing that he might be the one to make hearing it a lot less painful.
"You promise?"
"I promise."
end.