Floaties

By Katie

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Tite Kubo; the original idea to shinigamikender. What I've done with it, well, that either belongs to the devil or my natural perversity.

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"WAI! IT'S SUMMER!"

"You don't have to get that excited, Orihime," Tatsuki said dryly. "You're not five years old."

Orihime paused mid-ritual dance, blinking with confusion.

"But it's summer!" she said, as if that explained everything.

"Yes, yes," Tatsuki said, sighing, and patted the other girl on the head affectionately. Orihime beamed with pleasure, and then turned with a little jump to face Ichigo, who was slowly getting all his things together.

"What are you doing for the summer, Kurosaki-kun?" she asked brightly.

"Huh?" Ichigo looked up, surprised. "Oh, I'm going up to the beach with my family."

"WAI! THE BEACH!" Orihime squirmed happily, and then turned to Rukia. "What about you, Kuchiki-san?"

"Me?" Rukia squeaked. "I...um...I'm going to the beach too!"

"Are you going with Kurosaki-kun?" Orihime asked innocently.

"Yes!" "No!" Rukia and Ichigo glared at each other, and Rukia won. "Yes," she repeated. "I...was invited by his family." Ichigo snorted, but made no statement to the contrary.

"That sounds like fun!" Orihime said. "What about you, Ishida-kun?"

"My employer is sending me...to the beach." Ishida sounded none too pleased about this.

"Wow, you have a job, Ishida-kun?" Orihime sounded impressed. "Then again, you do live on your own."

"Don't you have a job, Inoue-san?" Ishida asked.

"Nope! I got fired again." The group was dumbfounded by her cheerfulness.

"Well," Ichigo said, breaking the silence. "What're your plans, Inoue?"

Orihime frowned, thinking.

"I don't think I have any," she admitted.

"Why don't we all go down to the beach?" Tatsuki said. "Since most of us seem to be going there anyway."

Ichigo shrugged.

"Not like I care," he said. "Guess it'd be nice to get a break from my old man."

"But...I don't know how to swim," Orihime said slowly. Yet another dumbfounded silence.

"You don't know how to swim?" Tatsuki asked when she regained her voice, appalled. "How is that even possible?"

"Even I know how to swim, Inoue-san," Ishida said.

"Now that is a surprise," Ichigo mumbled under his breath.

Orihime smiled, rubbing the back of her neck with embarrassment.

"I just never learned," she said.

"This is unacceptable." Tatsuki grabbed Orihime's hand. "Come on, we're getting you a swimsuit and taking you to the pool."

"We?" Ichigo protested.

"You got something better to do, Ichigo?" The boy quailed under her fierce look.

"Not really," he admitted.

"Then let's go."

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Orihime fidgeted with the straps of her bikini.

"Are you sure this okay, Tatsuki-chan?" she asked uncomfortably.

Tatsuki glanced at Ichigo and Ishida, who were both beet red and pointedly not looking in Orihime's direction.

"Yep," she said with satisfaction. "It's perfect."

"It looks lovely," Rukia said with forced cheer, trying to avoid comparing Orihime's chest to her own.

"O-okay." Orihime didn't sound completely convinced, but they were at the pool, so further protest wouldn't do any good. And having Ichigo and Ishida look so flustered was, she had to admit, a little thrilling.

"Now, the first step to swimming is floating," Tatsuki said confidently. "So get into the water and let's see how you float."

Orihime nodded and started to sit down to slide in.

"Just jump in!" Tatsuki said and gave a little push.

"EEP!" Orihime toppled over, creating a large splash. Tatsuki laughed good-naturedly.

"Are you sure we should be teaching a beginner in the deep end, Arisawa-san?" Ishida asked with concern.

"She'll be fine," Tatsuki said. "Floating is easy."

Ishida frowned, not quite convinced, but he subsided as Orihime came back to the surface.

"Brrrrr, it's COLD!" she said.

"You'll get used to it," Tatsuki said reassuringly.

"So what do I do now?" Orihime asked.

"Stretch out on your stomach and let's try the Dead Man's Float," Tatsuki responded.

"Dead Man's Float?" Rukia queried. "Why would you call it the Dead Man's Float?"

"'Cause it makes you look like a corpse," Ichigo answered, and Rukia turned a little green.

"Okay!" Orihime took a deep breath, and tried to stretch out on her stomach.

And promptly rolled over.

"What?" The group gawked.

"Umm...let me try this again." Orihime took another breath and tried to stretch out.

And once again rolled over.

"What in the world, Orihime?" Tatsuki asked.

"I don't know!" Orihime said. "I just...roll over!"

Ishida coughed slightly, pushing up his glasses.

"I believe I know the cause," he said quietly.

"What is it?" Ichigo asked, as puzzled as the rest.

Ishida turned completely red.

"I...believe Inoue-san's...b..breasts are acting like floatation devices," he said slowly.

"What the hell?" Tatsuki growled, her protective instincts ignited by the phrase "Inoue's breasts."

"I think the...errr...size of them..." Ishida stammered to explain, "compounded with the fact that the mass of them is less than the mass of the water caused them to be unable to be submerged."

Tatsuki blinked.

"That made no sense," she said.

Ichigo snorted.

"Inoue's boobs are big and they float," he said bluntly.

"ICHIGO!" Tatsuki grabbed the boy into a headlock.

"K-Kurosaki-kun!" Orihime cried out in embarrassment, and tried to hide under water, but her floatational breasts forced her back to the surface. Tatsuki paused in her Ichigo-beating, stunned by the proof of the males' theory.

"Damn," she said, awed. "I guess the bastards are right."

Orihime flushed a dark red.

"So...what do we do now?" she asked weakly.

Tatsuki let Ichigo fall to the ground with a thud and a loud yelp of pain.

"Er, well, nothing, I guess," she said. "I mean, you can't really swim if you can't get your torso underwater."

Orihime sighed, pouting slightly.

"Well, at least you know you'll never drown," Ichigo said helpfully.

"There are plenty of ways to drown without being completely submerged in water," Ishida pointed out.

"Oh really?" Ichigo shot back.

"Would you like me to show you?" Ishida asked darkly.

Tatsuki stopped the fledgling fight by whacking the both of them on the head.

"Let's swim then!" she said.

Rukia fidgeted nervously.

"What's wrong, Rukia?" Ichigo asked, rubbing the back of his head and glaring at Tatsuki.

"I...can't swim...either.." she said, embarrassed. Embarrassment quickly turned to terror as Tatsuki's eyes lit with unholy glee. The former shinigami backed up slowly as the other girl
advanced on her, chuckling evilly.

"The first step," she said sinisterly, "is to get you into the water."

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The End