Moonlight filtered through the window into Allen's dungeon-like room. Allen was lying on his bed, looking up at a painting. A painting of what appeared to be a clown carrying a coffin while walking. For once, Allen wasn't smiling, no, he was deep in thoughtful silence.
"Mana…" He murmured, moonlight bathing his face, "I'm sorry..." He fell back into melancholic silence. One minute passed, then two. Allen didn't speak again, but he didn't sleep either. Even now, when he was alone, Allen refused to cry; to let his 'mask' drop. But, the mask was cracking, Allen could feel it. After all, it was christmas eve. Too many emotions, too many memories revolved around this holiday. Allen sighed, rolled over, and attempted to get some sleep.
After an hour, or so, Allen gave up on attempting to sleep. He got up and grabbed his trusty chair and started to do some vertical pushups.
And that's how Lenalee found him several hours later. She had gotten worried when he didn't come to the cafeteria for breakfast, and decided to check on him.
"Allen?!" she exclaimed, shocked by how concentrated Allen looked. It was almost as if he were running away from something
"1225….1226….1227...122-" Allen said, counting his 'push-ups'.
"Allen!" Said exorcist froze, but quickly recovered.
"Oh, Lenalee, I didn't hear you come in," Allen smoothly responded as he hopped off the chair.
"Are you okay?" Lenalee asked, worried by his odd behavior.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Does Komui have a mission for me?" Allen replied, wondering why Lenalee was there.
"No, I was just worried when you didn't show up for breakfast," Lenalee explained
"Sorry for worrying you. I'm fine, I'll be down to eat soon," Allen reassured her. Lenalee turned around and returned to the door.
"Allen," She said, looking back as she opened the door, "Were you doing those all night?"
"No, don't worry," Allen lied, not wanting to worry her more than he already had.
"Okay," Lenalee smiled, not quite convinced. She left Allen's room, and walked down the Order's impressive halls.
Allen started preparing for the new day. The new day that had started a while ago, and wasn't really new anymore. He was tired, not just physically, his mind was exhausted. Allen was running on an empty tank, and it showed. His eyes had gone from the silver of moonlight reflecting off the water to the cold, deep gray of the ocean on a stormy day.
Allen finished getting ready and headed off in the direction of the cafeteria. He ordered his normal mountain of food, and sat down at the table where Lavi, Lenalee, Krory and Kanda waited.
"Hey! Where were you?" Lavi wondered. Allen shrugged, and started eating his way through the mountain. Lavi looked surprised, normally Allen was talkative.
"Che," Kanda commented, as loquacious as ever.
"So, Allen, how's the food?" Lavi asked, completely aware that Jerry was incapable of making bad food.
"Good," Allen said as he finished eating. He left half of the food untouched. Lavi threw Lenalee a questioning glance. Lenalee shrugged. Both had picked up on Allen's odd behavior, but neither knew what to do about it.
"Are you feeling okay?" Lavi questioned. Allen started cleaning his plates up.
"Yeah, I'm feeling fine. How are you feeling?" Allen stated with a smile.
"Good…" Lavi replied, his normal happiness crushed by the weird aura surrounding Allen. It was almost as if Allen was depressed, or sad. Awkward silence drowned the table as Allen left.
"So… Yu-chan, how's the soba?"
"Don't call me that, stupid rabbit,"
"But, Yu-"
"Lavi, Kanda, no fighting!" Lenalee warned halfheartedly. Allen returned to fetch the rest of his plates.
"Baka moyashi," Kanda muttered as Allen turned to leave, Lenalee and Lavi sent Kanda death glares. Allen looked back momentarily, but didn't say anything. Allen put his plates away before leaving the cafeteria.
"What's wrong with Allen?" Lavi finally voiced his concerns.
"...I don't know," Lenalee sighed.
"We could ask him," Krory said quietly.
"Che,"
"Shall we?" Lenalee murmured.
"Why don't we just try and cheer him up first?" Lavi proposed. Lenalee, and Krory nodded in agreement. Kanda continued eating his soba.
"Lets go, then," Lenalee decided. The three exorcists got to their feet, and headed towards Allen's room (With the exception of Kanda who was being dragged by Lavi.). They assumed Allen would be there.
"Allen?" Lenalee called, knocking on the door. The white haired exorcist opened the door.
"Hi," He said, faux happiness coating his face. Lenalee realized they'd forgotten to come up with a way to cheer Allen up.
"Umm… We figured that since today is christmas day, we could all hang out. So, want to go into town?" Lavi offered, saving them from the depths of an awkward silence.
"It sounds fun," Allen responded, "but I'm really tired, so if you don't mind, I'm going to try to get some rest." Lenalee looked a bit disappointed.
"Okay, next time, then?" she muttered dejectedly.
"Maybe," Allen closed the door. Lenalee sighed, unsure what to do.
"That didn't work," Lavi commented.
"Maybe we should try and figure out what's bothering Allen first," Lenalee suggested.
"How?" Lavi pointed out, "Allen won't tell us because he doesn't want to worry us."
"We could ask him…" Krory reiterated demurely. Lenalee and Lavi looked thoughtful for a moment.
"Any other ideas?" Lavi questioned. Krory shook his head.
"Why are you guys still outside my door?" Allen interrupted, he had heard them speaking from inside his room. Unfortunately for Allen, he hadn't been able to make out what they had been speaking about.
"Wha-? Moyashi?" Lavi, Lenalee and Krory jumped, apparently unaware that Allen had opened his door again.
"Che," Kanda muttered. He looked in the opposite direction, acting as if he didn't know the group of "idiots" next to him.
"Why are you so depressed? It's christmas day, everyone's excited about the christmas party, except for you. I don't think that all the food in the world could get you to leave your room again," Lenalee blurted, happy that they'd been given a chance to speak to Allen.
"I'm not depressed, I'm just tired!" Allen expeditiously countered.
"Don't lie!" Lenalee interjected angrily.
"I'm not!" Allen protested.
"I-I agree with Lenalee. Allen, you shouldn't lie," Krory admitted.
"And I agree with Kro-chan!" Lavi piped up. Lenalee looked at Allen expectantly. They had him cornered.
"Christmas day is my birthday…" Allen muttered, gaining an interest in the ground.
"Today's your birthday? Why didn't you tell us?" Lenalee and Lavi chorused.
"I-It's a bad day; I hate my birthday," Allen confessed, still examining the ground. Lenalee, Lavi and Krory looked aghast. None of them could comprehend why Allen hated his own birthday. Lenalee opened her mouth to speak, but Allen turned around, and closed his door. Lenalee rushed forward in a failed attempt to keep Allen from evading her question.
"Allen!" Lenalee cried, "Why won't you just tell us what's bothering you?"
Allen hid on the other side of the door. He didn't know what to do. He didn't want to make them worry, and he most definitely didn't want their pity… But part of him wanted to open up. He couldn't comprehend why. 'I don't need any friends.' Those were his words, but they'd never done him any good. He had friends, and he didn't want them to worry. Or was he just being selfish? He abhorred pity. The pity people may have felt for him while he worked at the circus was so shallow. People's pity never helped him. He didn't want any pity.
"Allen! Open the door! I'll get Komui and tell him that you kissed me if you don't!" Lenalee harangued. Allen froze as memories of various Komurins made an appearance.
"Wait! You two kissed?!" Lavi shouted. Allen's door was flung open.
"No!" Allen defended.
"No, we didn't, but Komui wouldn't ask," Lenalee casually mentioned.
"I opened the door," Allen muttered.
"Allen," Lenalee murmured, leaving 'evil Lenalee' behind,"Why do you hate your birthday?"
"..." Allen shifted, aware that he was out of escape routes.
"Why do you hate Christmas?" Krory softly added.
"I have bad luck on Christmas," Allen's gaze returned to his new best friend; the floor.
"What do you mean by bad luck?" Lenalee pressed.
"Mana… he adopted me on Christmas..." Allen conceded. Lavi looked disconcerted. How was getting adopted by Mana a bad thing? "A few years later… he died on christmas…" Allen paused. He was struggling to remain composed. "I… buried him… I revived him… He cursed me…" Allen flinched as he remembered Mana's irate words. 'I curse you, Allen Walker!' His cursed eye throbbed as he recalled how it was created.
"Allen? Are you okay?" Lenalee asked.
"I'm fine!" Allen said a hint too forcefully as he hid his emotions with a smile. He didn't compose himself fast enough, because a single tear managed to escape his left eye.
"I said that I didn't want you to lie. So, if you're fine, then why are you on the verge of tears?" Lenalee coaxed. 'So how come I'm crying over him?' Lenalee's question summoned old words to mind. Allen gave into the small part of him that wanted to speak.
"Mana… he gave me my name… and… I killed him. I turned him into an akuma…. and killed him… on christmas…" Allen's tears hadn't dried up the way Mana's had. They couldn't have, because, as he spoke, more tears fled from his eyes. Lenalee leaned forward and hugged Allen. Krory and Lavi joined in.
"I'm sorry," Lenalee said. Her tone made it quite clear that she regretted forcing Allen to talk. Allen tears slowed, he had grown used to masking his feelings. He felt inexplicably exposed now that he had divulged his past. The four exorcists untangled themselves.
"I-It's fine, I'm fine," Allen quavered. Lenalee sighed. It seemed that Allen wasn't able to completely leave his habit of lying behind. She watched as Allen collected himself. By the time he'd finished the only thing that gave his sadness away were the tear tracks that lined his face. Lenalee felt like there were things that needed to be said, but she didn't know how to voice them. Lavi and Krory were shuffling uncomfortably, and their thoughts seemed to be similar to her own.
"Its okay, Mana loved you," Krory decided, hoping to comfort Allen. Allen looked slightly annoyed.
"... Thank you," Allen whispered, his expression softening, "Why don't we go into town now?"
"Sure."