as always when you go away

by Yui Miyamoto

(AU) Ever wondered what would become of the interesting threesome?

Fandom: Prince of Tennis / Tennis no Oujisama
Pairing: TezuFuji
Title: as always when you go away
Description - (AU) Ever wondered what would become of the interesting threesome?

Disclaimer - Prince of Tennis doesn't belong to me.

So, there are not-so-pretty words in the world.

I never knew of their existence. I knew of pain and I knew of anger. I knew how to smirk and I knew how to compete.
Of course, there was a counter to everything and anything. How could I possibly have ever forgotten?

There had to be words that were not so clean, even though, taken in another context, they were totally innocent in nature and connotation.

But of all the things in this world, I didn't think…

…that I'd hear those unbeautiful words for you.

I never associated one with the other.

…as always when you go away.
By miyamoto yui

In all the years that I've existed in this world, I was always feeling like I held my hands out towards a wind that pushed and pulled me. I felt the impact of standing on one side of a cliff, ready to fall off at any time.
In the process of working hard, I had to perfect my skills even harder. People could have called me whatever they wanted, but I knew the truth.

They didn't see the scratches all over my fingers. They didn't see the scars of having the ball ricochet back to me because I hit it so hard.
Of course they didn't.

People always saw what they wanted. People did as they pleased.
That was how life was and always will be.

In the little training cage, I was alone.

My eyes were squinting to focus on a single diamond hole on the fence before me. I lifted up my left hand to serve the ball. I squatted a bit, threw the ball in the air, and hit it with all the strength that I had left.

Pwack.

It hit an intersection of fence wires and bounced back with full force.

And I didn't even move.

Pock.
It grazed against my left hip.

I served another ball and misaimed on purpose. Or rather, I hit the spot were the wiring made a cross and the ball couldn't do anything but bounce back to me with all of my intense feelings behind its power.

Pick.
This one bumped onto my right shoulder.

I didn't even wince in pain. Why? I couldn't feel it.

I tried again.

I served the ball to another crisscross pattern and this time, it hit my stomach. I coughed, but that didn't stop me.

One after the other and faster and faster, I aimed and fired like a police officer hitting cardboard bodies.

Pwick, pwack, pwick, pwack…!

All my emotions of elation, sadness, hurt, frustration, anger…
They came back at me with a surprising vengeance.

Each one made their mark and I didn't move. I took every blow like a boxer that knew there was no way he could reach out for the ropes. If he could just hit the mat, then he would be able to close his eyes and forget about the rest of the shouting people and the bright light above him.

I bit my lip and blood started to come out at one side.

Faster. Harder.

In a rage, I shouted, "I WANT YOU TO HURT ME!"

Make me a scar that would bubble out from inside of me…

After the last ball hit me, it perfectly dug onto the area over my heart. Then, like a dead-weight, it fell down to my feet.

Tennis was so easy. When you had to get over an obstacle, all you had to do was strategize. If you worked to your full potential, you would surpass yourself. As long as you tried hard, there was nothing that you couldn't overcome.

Ah, the crap that anime told children to become 'inspired', 'creative, and 'intelligent'. Were these the foundations of misplaced happiness?

But what could I say? I could see parts of myself bleed, but my neurons weren't registering anything. Nothing was coming through anymore.

I couldn't feel it.
I couldn't feel anything at all.

At this exact moment in time, I was just as everyone wanted to prescribe me to be.

I began to laugh as I bent down to pick up the balls to put them back into the carts. I threw them hatefully into the rolling baskets.

I was too proud to cry.

/"I have something to tell you."
"Yeah?" I held my racket in front of me and swung from side to side playfully.
He cleared his throat. "Please look at me."
I shook my head and a smile immediately plastered itself on my face. It was my trump card when all the stakes were against me.

I felt that they were at that moment.

A feeling of dread began to come over me and I felt sick to my stomach because of it.

"I'm serious."
"I am too."

My eyes wouldn't even take a glimpse of his. I took my racket and swung it as if I were playing some kind of shadow boxing. I was pretending that I had a match and the face of my opponent was on the other side of the court.

Only, this opponent had two forms:

You.
And me.

I couldn't distinguish who I was fighting anymore. I didn't want to, that's why.
I didn't want to have to fight at all…

"I'm sorry, Syusuke. I have to be with him."

Calmly, I put my racquet down onto the ground. With a solemn stature, I stood up with that horrid grin on my face, amused, hurt, and wanting to kill at the same time.

Slap.
My hand and forehead felt the stinging impact of my self-induced marking. "It's not, 'I want to be with him'. It's 'I have to be with him'. That's a very good of you, Kunimitsu. Always prone to obligation and right down to your very vocabulary."

The eyes I had always loved were serious all the time.

That's why I didn't want to look at him for too long.

He didn't even try to reach out towards me. He was cold and warm that way. He never knew what to do, but his awkward affections were endearing.
His words always inspired me and I wanted to preserve him to always be that way.

I didn't know he'd outgrow me though.

"Syusuke…"

"There's nothing I can do." I shrugged my shoulders and smiled even wider.

If I frowned, the tears were sure to come…

I bent down to get my racquet. I tapped it over my shoulder and deeply stared into his eyes.

"There are no words that I can say right now. And this can't be counted as a break up because were never really together. But if I had anything to say, you were my best friend. I trusted you. I loved you more than I imagined in loving someone."

He continued to stand there with his stoic expression never revealing to me what he was feeling. We were perfect. I was grinning over here because I didn't want him to ever know what I was thinking.

"But most of all, I believed in you. I never questioned what you did and I always supported whatever you did. Whether you went to one end of the Earth or the other, you never heard a peep out of me. That's how much I believed in you."

But my body betrayed me.

The impact was so great that I could feel the stinging in my eyes. And the water began to flow out of my eyes.
But I did not sob.

"And I thought because I was patient and determined…I thought that because we were the ones that did everything together and understood each other the most…"

I stepped forward and patted his cheek. "Proudly, I arrogantly stepped into each court thinking that I had everything I ever wanted."

Then, my hand fell lifeless and I walked out silently and pridefully as I had come.

It went without saying, with that last gaze, I told him, "I thought you'd pick me."/

I held all my bags upon my shoulders and walked towards the gated door. But as I stared more at the fence, I stopped. I dropped all my things to the floor.

I had been called many names out of jealousy because I was a so called 'tensai'. And you held out your hand to me because we were the same. I didn't care about anything else as long as we were conquering the world together.
I had not ever doubted that.

In all my calculations, projections, and dreams, I just never thought that the most unbeautiful words would be told me by the person I cherished most in the world.

I didn't ever think this day would come.
I never thought it would come into existence.

/Stealing a kiss at the locker room, I was truly caught off guard with my eyes opening widely in alarm.

"Syusuke, what would you say if I asked you to stay with me forever?"
"You're planning that far ahead?"
"You know how I am."

I laughed as I pulled on his jacket collar. "Well, that depends on you."/

My eyes just wouldn't stop no matter how much I tried…

My knees shook and finally gave way.
This was the first time I ever fell to my knees.

A sign of my first true defeat.

I put my hands over my face and sobbed so loudly that I wished it would rain. I wish it would just wash me away…

But by tomorrow, I wanted all the marks to go away. I didn't want him to see me this way-

I stopped crying and I got my stuff. I put them over my shoulders and walked home with my chin up.

In practice the next day, I teased him with my eyes and took his water bottle as I always did.
You notice some of the bruises and I brush past you so easily with my lips turned upwards.

In my mind, you would always be with me. After all, I can't distinguish tennis without you.
If I don't pretend for now…

…like a broken doll,
I'll fall apart.

But because I believe in you so much, Kunimitsu,

I will still wait for your return,
as always when you go away.

Owari.
-
Author's note: This fic was inspired by the fact that I wanted to mess with the characters again. (That's why I really like 'highest bidder'. I think it's atypical of my usual fics, especially PoT.) And this voice came out as I typed.

*_* I can't believe I did this…but it's interesting. If I'm to break my own mold, then so be it.

After all, along the way, though not in the manga and as much I'd hate to even admit it, this day would come. Eventually. (I always torture the characters I love the best.)

Maybe…
I'll make a sequel to this. What do you think?

So, this is to a girl that broke my heart and had called herself 'friend'.

Love,
Yui

February 9, 2005, 3:16 AM