~Okay, here's my attempt in writing an FFVII story. I know it's kinda long, but bear with me. Comments, flames, don't be afraid to review!
Scene 1
(Yuffie comes in, carrying a sign, saying, "Come eat at Kisaragi's now, and your wallet might not get stolen!" Then, a chocobo enters, also carrying a sign that says, "This movie is presented to you by Shinra Productions, so don't be afraid to sue.")
Rufus: Hey! You can't sue us! We're an all-powerful incorporation! How dare they!
Reno: Just relax and enjoy the movie, President, sir.
Rufus: Urgh…this better be good.
(Yuffie comes in again, this time, holding up the title of the sign, beginning with, "Cloud's New Do. Long ago, somewhere deep in the Ancient Forest…")
Cloud: (enters, in a llama outfit) Um…is the tape rolling?
Yuffie: Act already!
Cloud: (sits on a rock and starts to wail unemotionally) Aah… Wee-be-be-bee.
Rufus: Is this guy serious?
Cloud: (continues) Will you take a look at me. Pretty pathetic, huh? This movie's pretty pathetic, too.
Yuffie: CLOUD!! SAY YOUR LINES!
Cloud: Well, you'll never believe this, but that llama you're looking at was once a human being.
Barret: (could be heard whispering from the set) Human? More like a deformed mutant from another world!
Cloud: I heard that! And when I get back there you're going to get a taste from my damn sword!
Barret: Oh yeah? Well @$#@ you too!
Yuffie: Cloud, your lines…
Cloud: I hear you! Sheesh. And not just any human being. That guy was an emperor. (turns around to Yuffie) Do I have to say this part?
Yuffie: Don't make me go over there and kill you!
Cloud: Fine. That guy was a rich, powerful ball of charisma. Oh, yeah! This is his story.
Red XIII: Doesn't he mean "my story"? It is, after all, him who is the llama.
Cloud: The name is Cloud. Emperor Cloud. Hey, I like that. Anyway, I was the world's nicest guy and they ruined my life for no reason! Who, you ask? SHINRA!
Rufus: Hey! This isn't good advertising for our company!
Reeve: Eh…well, you haven't seen the whole movie yet, President.
Rufus: Fine. I will watch this stupid movie…(grumbles)
Cloud: Oh, is that hard to believe? Look, I tell you what, you go back a ways, you know, before I was a llama, and this will all make sense. (a projector comes in showing Cloud as a bouncing baby boy) Hey, I said stop. STOP! That's a little too far back, dammit!.
Tifa: Aww…Cloud, look! It's you as a baby!
Cloud: …
Baby Cloud: Waaaah! I WANT CANDY! I WANT FOOD! I WANT HAIR GEL!
Elena: Hehe…funny baby, isn't he?
Rufus: Shut up.
Elena: Yes, sir.
Cloud: Ahem! All right! I SAID ALL RIGHT!! MOVE AHEAD ALREADY!
Cid: Wait, we want to see how you eat your baby food.
Cloud: YUFFIE!
Yuffie: FINE! (fast forwards video to Cloud's em…modern age) HAPPY?!
Cloud: Oh yeah!
(Barret comes in with a microphone.)
Cloud: You're my theme song guy?
Barret: You got a problem, foo?!
Cloud: Erm…I guess not…
Barret: (clears throat and blasts the music, then begins to rap) There are despots and dictators
Political manipulators (SHINRA)
There are bluebloods with the intellect of fleas
There are kings and petty tyrants
Who are so lacking in refinements
They'd be better suited swinging from the trees (SHINRA)
Rufus: I don't like this message they're giving…
Barret: He was born and raised to rule
No one has ever been this cool
In a thousand years of aristocracy
An enigma and a mystery
In Final Fantasy history
The quintessence of perfection that is he
Cid: What the #!!@$#$@ is he sayin'?!
Barret: Shut the @&!@^$ up, foo!
Cloud: (points to the projector with him dancing) This is NOT the real me.
Yuffie: CLOUD!
Cloud: Okay, this is the real me. (points to himself in the llama costume) Not this! (points to projector) This! (llama) Not this. (projector) Winner. (llama) Loser.
Barret: Okay, we get the point.
Cloud: (points to palace in projector) Okay, see this palace? Everyone in it is at my command. Ooh…really? Check this out. Butler! (Vincent appears) Chef! (Cid appears, muttering) Theme song guy!
Barret: WHAT?!
Cloud: Sing, dammit!
Barret: Oh yeah!
He's the sovereign lord of the nation
He's the hippest cat in creation
He's the alpha, the omega, a to z
And his perfect world will spin
Around his every little whim
'Cause his perfect world begins and ends with—
Cloud: (while song plays, Cloud runs out with the projector and comes back without the llama costume. He interrupts Barret at the end) ME!
Barret: SHUT UP! I WASN'T DONE YET!
Cloud: ME!
Barret: What's his name? Cloud-o...That's his name.... Cloud-o... He's the king of the world! Cloud-o... Is he hip or what? Cloud-o... (stops singing) This song really sucks! (leaves)
Cloud: Alright! (starts dancing and bumps into Cid, who ruined part of his hair) Hey, you threw off my do!
Vincent: I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the emperor's do.
Cid: I don't give a @#$%#!
Vincent: You're supposed to say "sorry."
Cid: Fine! SORRY!
Cloud: Throw him out anyway, Vincent.
Cid: WHAT?!
Vincent: (takes Cid and throws him out of the scene)
Cid: YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!
Cloud: Barret! YOU WERE SAYING?!?!
Barret: (grumbles and comes back) What's his name? Cloud-o! Cloud-o... That's his name! Is he hip or what? Don't you know he's the king of the world? Whoa, yeah! Oww! Cloud-oooooooooo....
Cloud: Boom baby!
Rufus: (shivers) What have they done? They've turned Cloud into a monster…
Rude: You did want a change in the movie business.
Vincent: Your Highness, it is time for you to choose your bride.
Cloud: Oh yeah! Hello ladies! Let's have a look see!
(Tifa, Aeris, Yuffie, Elena, Priscilla and Marline come in)
Rufus: Elena, don't tell me you're the one who wrote the anonymous letter about watching this movie…
Elena: Eheh…why no, sir. Really…
Rufus: (sigh) I hate my life.
Cloud: (looks at Elena) Hate your hair, love mine.
Elena: Punk…
Cloud: (looks at Marline and cringes) Not likely, (passes by Aeris) Maybe… (passes by Tifa) Maybe…(sees Priscilla) YIKES!
Priscilla: But, Cloud, I wanted to marry you after you saved my life!
Cloud: Get her away! (sees Yuffie) Oh, let me guess, you have a great personality. (glares at Vincent) Is this really the best you could do?
Vincent: Did you want me to get Lucrecia, too?
Cloud: Never mind……
Vincent: Oh, and then there's the dinner you have to prepare for, as well as the ceremony of your kingship…(keeps talking)
Cloud: (looks to the audience and points to Vincent) What is he babbling about? He's like the thing that wouldn't shut up! Anyway, still wondering about that llama in the opening? Too bad! (Yuffie's shuriken shoots out, nearly missing Cloud's hair, and he gulps) Well, let me show you the people responsible for ruining my life. First, there's Sephiroth.
(the Sephiroth theme starts to play, and scene fades to show Sephiroth coming in through the palace)
Sephiroth: I came to see the emperor Cloud. I have to deal with him about something.
Tseng: I'm sorry, sir, you must have a summons to enter the palace.
Sephiroth: (stabs Tseng) Don't get in my way.
Elena: That's how Tseng died! Sephiroth killed him!
Reno: Good riddance…
Cid: (comes flying through the window and lands in front of Sephiroth) Ah! Oof…(sees Sephiroth) AAH! (sees his javelin) Um…pardon me, that's mine.
Sephiroth: …(stares at Cid with piercing eyes)
Cid: (slowly and carefully gets his javelin and stands up)
Sephiroth: (finally) What happened to you?
Cid: I #!@($^@ threw off Cloud's do.
Sephiroth: What?
Cid: His do! The @#@$!& rhythm in which he #!@#$#@ lives his !@#$%^ life! His #!$@#@ pattern of #$!#%$# behavior! I @$%# threw it off, and the !$@% Emperor had me @#%@ thrown out the #@#%@ window!
Sephiroth: Serves you right. You never mess with a man's hair.
Elena: And to think, I thought women cared more for their hair.
Reno: Look at him! He's obsessed like Cloud!
Cid: DON'T THROW OFF HIS DO!
Sephiroth: …Whatever.
Cid: Beware the do…
Sephiroth: Uhuh.
Cid: …Do…
Sephiroth: SHUT UP ALREADY!! (blasts Ice2 at Cid, who finally scurries away)
Cloud: You see what I mean? This guy's trouble. But as bad as he is, he is nothing compared to what's coming up next. Yeah, whew, when you see this, man, you've seen everything…
Tifa: (comes in)
Cloud: Tifa? What happened to Scarlet? Isn't she supposed to be Yzma?
Tifa: She apparently went into a fight with Sephiroth and lost. Now I have to take her place for the whole movie.
Cloud: What?! But…I can't make fun of you!
Tifa: Oh, try your hardest, sheesh. (smiles at Rude) And why have you come here today?
Rude: (says unintelligibly) Well, your Highness, I mean, your Grace…
Rufus: …You, too, Rude?
Rude: …
Rufus: I can't believe you people…
Cloud: Okay, gang, check out this piece of work. (looks at Tifa admiringly) Whew! And what a piece of work!
Yuffie: CLOUD!
Cloud: Uh…this is Tifa, the Emperor's advisor. Living proof that erm…dinosaurs once roamed the earth?
Tifa: (rolls eyes) You are so believable…
Cloud: And let's not forget Tifa's right-hand man. Every decade or so she gets a new one. This year's model is called RedXIII.
Red XIII: Correction, I am not a man, but an intellectual canine species who has the ability to think and talk like a human.
Cloud: Yup, that's Red. Now, lately, Tifa's gotten this bad habit of trying to run the country behind my back, and I'm thinkin', that's gotta stop.
Tifa: (to Rude) Aww…your family needs food? Well, too bad! You really should have thought of that before you became peasants! We're through here. Take him away. Next!
Rude: Wait…
Tifa: I said NEXT!
Cloud: Whew…a bit too harsh, Tifa.
Tifa: Ugh…
Cloud: The nerve of those peasants, huh?
Tifa: Tell me about it…AAH!
Cloud: What? It's only me.
Tifa: No, it's your hair.
Cloud: WHAT?!
Tifa: (laughing) Joking, just joking.
Cloud: Ahem…you were doing it again.
Tifa: (innocently) Doing? Doing? Doing what?
Cloud: Doing my job. I'm the emperor, and you're the emperor's advisor.
Tifa: Oh, but, your Highness, I was only dealing with meaningless peasant matters...(continues to chatter)
Cloud: Whoah…look at that face…she's really something. How does this woman keep herself up like this? What the—how long has it been since her hair was better than mine?
Tifa: Cloud…
Red: Good thinking, Tifa. What do you say, Cloud? (pats Cloud's hair)
Cloud: Whoah! No touchy! No touchy! DON'T TOUCH THE DAMN HAIR!
Vincent: (enters) Um…excuse me, your highness, but Sephiroth seems to be hunting for you, and if you don't send for him now, he's going to kill off every guard you have here in the palace.
Cloud: Okay, then send him in, sheesh. The nerve of that guy. No patience. (looks at Tifa) Oh, and by the way, you're fired.
Tifa: Fired? What do you mean, fired?!
Cloud: Well, for one thing, you're taking my job. And another thing, you have better hair than me.
Tifa: What?
Cloud: Uh, how else can I say it? You're being let go, your department's being downsized, you're part of an outplacement, we're going in a different direction, we're not picking up your option. Take your pick. I've got more!
Tifa: But I've served your family for years…
Cloud: OUT OF MY CHAIR!
Tifa: FINE!
Yuffie: CUT!
Cloud: WHY?!?!
Yuffie: That's the end of the scene, my gosh.
Cloud: Okay, do what she says, CUT!