fandom: loveless
title: directly
pairing: soubi + ritsuka
rating: pg
Description - "Make the sky real," Ritsuka says.
Disclaimer - Loveless is by Kouga Yun-sama.
directly.
By miyamoto yui
Why are people made like this? I don't seem to understand.
He looks at me as if he knows.
He holds my hand as we walk through the park, but there are no people.
We are always hidden in between the leaves and rows of trees.
I know…
I know very well I'm not supposed to be here.
I open my mouth and I want to ask. There are so many questions, but he's been ordered never to say anything to me.
He says he obeys me but this order is from my beloved brother.
As always, Seimei's the one everyone listens to.
Forever, I am in the background.
The world is green. I let go and take pictures of things. Anything besides us.
"There are other things to look at, Ritsuka," you tell me as you take my hands and press your cheek against mine. We look up to the sky.
"That picture won't come out too well."
Even if it is clear and it is bright, I know that picture won't come out.
I've tried it before…
Just like when I used to look up at the all-too-familiar ceiling of my room…
We look at trees, but he takes my camera away. I turn my face away.
"I don't want you to take my picture."
You ask me, "Why? I love you. I want you to print it out for me to keep."
When I didn't know you, this kind of thing was all right. There were no strings and attachments. There was nothing to bind us.
I could let you go as I pleased. I had control.
This was a time when things were so clean,
so uninvolved with life…
"Order me to not take the picture," you comment, but your eyes are making me feel transparent.
I'm fading away even though I'm still there.
I don't want you to take the picture. It's too much now.
It costs more than it should be worth right now.
It is because I'm reminded of being alone even if I know you're the one who's holding the camera.
You can't do what I don't tell you. You're stubborn to give the camera back.
"Just one," I mumble.
"Hmm?" Your eyebrow goes up a little, but you're already positioning the perfect angle for the reward of your persistence.
And through the bewilderment, I look off to one side.
Click.
I can't look you in the eye.
Not even in this picture.
You grin and give me back the camera. Your lips turn into a smirk.
Now, I see myself in slow motion. You cup your hand over mine while positioning the camera. As I look at the leaves, you pull my chin and kiss me on the lips.
It's something I don't ever see other people do. It feels good because it's sweet, but my heart always feels squeezed of its blood. These kisses become more and more painful.
They take something away.
You breathe me in and 'I' become empty.
More and more…
You fill me with 'yourself'…
I blush while stammering with a scold, "Soubi!"
"You never said I couldn't steal a kiss or a candid shot. You just implied formalities, but those things don't exist between us now, do they?"
They should…
They really, really should…
The beautiful man with riddles of words,
the one with the long, long hair takes my hand once more.
We keep going around one another in circles. We come to the same places inside and outside of ourselves.
I don't understand anything. He looks like he doesn't want me to.
But what is there to understand?
I look up to the pretty blue sky. It's a lie, isn't it?
The sky isn't really blue. It's because it reflects off the ocean that it gives our eyes that color.
I've stopped walking. You stand there carefully watching me, but your hand is firmly holding onto mine as if I'll fly away or something.
As if I'll be stolen and never come back.
His eyes are always so bold and courageous, but his gentle touch tells me he's nervous of letting go.
I wonder what is it that he's so afraid about behind those sparkling eyes and that wide, enigmatic grin…
"I now know why I can't take a picture of the sky."
"Why is that?"
You hold my fingers tighter.
"It's because it depends on the water's color. And there really isn't a ceiling. It's just air in between the water and space with some kind of barrier holding it all together."
"What are you saying, Ritsuka?"
This time, I feel your eyes burning into me.
I am still staring at the sky though.
"It's not really there. I can't capture it in a picture because it really doesn't exist."
I look at you and my fingers grip back.
Are we really real? I can hold you, but we're just all containers, aren't we?
What more for emotions?
You can't touch them, but you can feel them to your very bone. No matter how much you want to push them away and how far you do, they come back with a vengeance.
"Kiss me."
"Is that an order?"
"Do I really have to repeat myself two times?" It's embarrassing, you know.
You lean down and push through my hesitant lips with your tongue.
Did you do these things with Seimei? Is this why you are with me?
I always become sad when I think this way.
I hold onto your clothing with my fingers as you kiss me longer than usual.
It is much deeper.
It is pushing through my broken heart and reopening all my wounds.
Will I find Seimei through you?
No…that isn't it…
I must live for myself, but who is that?
You pull away, but you wipe my cheek with the back of your hand. I only take a gulp of air before you kiss me all over again.
Without an order…
My fingers still hold onto your sleeves…
I pull you closer even though you're already bending your knees as far as you can go.
Everything is becoming more excruciating. My body wants to break down, but I want you to do this to me.
I'm losing myself all over again
and filling myself with you.
You keep on telling me to live for myself
but I don't know who that is.
You keep on confusing me and somehow, I want to be in the darkness sometimes.
Nothing's truly real, right?
When we're finished, I'm still facing you as you look down at me. I watch the sky as your eyes turn me into ashes from their intensity.
"Make the sky real," I childishly say.
You take me into your arms and hold me mid-air. My feet don't touch the ground.
Then, for a second, your worried eyes make their appearance and disappear once more.
You smile down at me.
I want to believe your words…
Why do we do touch one another when everyone around me thinks it's just a matter of growing up and with no emotions behind them?
I want to know who Ritsuka is…
Why does mother think I'm not me?
I want to know what's going on…
What do you want with a perfect stranger?
Seimei and I are nothing alike…
But who is Ritsuka?
"The sky is real, Ritsuka. Things can't exist without the reflections of other things…
That's why you and I must never part.
They're not meant to exist separately.
Just people here…
They think they can become adults without emotions while giving their bodies to work.
If I had my way,
You would never grow up."
"But if I don't grow up, you won't give me the answers I'm looking for."
"You're so cute."
"Why do you always divert the question whenever it's important?"
He holds me silently.
And it is then that I understand a little more about you.
It's because it's important that you won't tell me. It's not because you're scared to tell me.
You're afraid to hurt me. And it isn't because I'm a weakling or that you don't trust that I'm strong enough…
But as with reflections,
If someone hurts me…
…it will hit the once impenetrable defense…
It will hurt you.
Directly.
Owari.
-
Author's note: Damn Loveless. I was curious if I could parallel how I feel with the anime's atmosphere.
My heart is aching right now. I should be sleeping…
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
3:12 AM