Live like you were dying
I'd heard that song on my last trip home. I never cared much for country music, but that one song just felt right somehow. It reminded me of when my dad died of cancer, right before I was sent to Afghanistan. He had changed so much when he found out he was going to die. Well, the same thing happened to me. The song never really meant much until I was back on Atlantis for a few weeks. I suddenly started feeling sick, I was always tired or dizzy and I had times where I just couldn't breathe. Of course, being me, I ignored it and kept working. Wasn't til I passed out on a mission that I was forced to go to the infirmary.
'If I had only come sooner' Carson told me. He said they might have been able to do something if I had come to him when it all started. It was too late now, though. Cancer. It was everywhere, in my lungs, my heart; there was even a tumor in my brain. I talked over the options with him, and no matter what I did, I was gonna die. No surgery could get it all; no chemotherapy or radiation therapy could shrink it enough and still leave me healthy enough to fight it. There was no cure on Atlantis or Earth.
It was while I was sitting in my quarters alone after being told I was dying that the song popped into my head. That's when I wrote my list. My list of things to do before I died. My list had everything on it, from trying new types of food to seeing landmarks. Then I split the list into what could be done in Atlantis and what I had to go home to do. I went home and did that stuff first. One of my things was, of course, to show Teyla my home planet, so I brought her with me. I think of everyone on Atlantis, she was the one who was the most devastated by the news. We had a special bond, me and her. I don't think she'll ever forget me, or Earth, or that one night we shared right before starting the 2 week journey home.
My earth list, other than showing her Earth, included seeing all seven wonders, visiting some of the more historic cities on the east coast and riding a mechanical bull. Can you believe I'd never done that before? I thought for sure that I could last longer than the song said. Boy was I wrong, bucked off in 1.9 seconds.
When I returned to Atlantis I slept for almost 2 days straight. But everything I did on Earth was worth it. Next up was my Atlantis list. Well, it's more like a Pegasus galaxy list. I wanted to visit every planet possible, even if I had to be in a wheelchair most of the time because I was too weak to stand. I tried a new food on every planet I visited, some stuff was pretty good and other stuff was, well, down right disgusting. I also wanted to explore as much of the city as I could. I set out everyday with Rodney and Teyla, my two closest friends, to explore some new part of the city. We found some pretty cool stuff, new labs, new technology. The best was the second bay of jumpers we found.
On the way back from the second jumper bay I started getting really sick. I was stuck in the infirmary for almost a week and a half. Time was running out for me, and I didn't want it to end in the infirmary. I convinced Carson to let me die in the comfort of my own quarters. I spent a day there before I made up my mind on what I was going to do. This wasn't how I was supposed to die. I was an Air Force pilot; I was supposed to go down in a fire fight or something else heroic like that. Not wasting away in my bed, like my father had.
I wheeled my self to the new bay of jumpers we found, climbed into the pilot seat and flew it out over the city. Wasn't long til I had everyone on the coms, telling me to turn back, that I didn't have the strength to be out of bed. I just flew on, telling them I knew what I was doing. I flew to the opposite side of the mainland from the Athosian settlement and started doing circles. I finally contacted Atlantis again and everyone was there to hear what I had to say. I told them that this was something I had to do, that I couldn't just die lying in a bed. Everyone tried to talk me out of it, except Teyla. She said she understood and said goodbye. Everything was quiet for a while but then one by one they all said goodbye too. It broke my heart to hear their voices, so filled with the tears I knew had to be streaming down their faces because they were streaming down mine too. I turned off the radio and recorded a message for them to hear when they came to get my body. Then I took the control and flew the jumper straight into the ground. Now I'm just floating here in the afterlife, checking in on them occasionally, watching over them, the closest thing i had left to family. They seem to be moving on with out me, but I can still tell they are all shaken by my death. They each have a copy of my message, and they listen to it when they need the strength to carry on. Ya wanna know what I told them, well, here it is:
'These are the last words of Lt. Colonel John Sheppard. I know you all didn't want me to do this, but I hope you can understand why I did. I just have a few last words for all of you.
Elizabeth: You are a great leader and Atlantis wouldn't be the same with out you. You've been a great friend to me and I will never forget that.
Rodney: Sometimes you could be a real pain in the ass, but you were always there and you could always find a way out of a problem. You were the best friend I could have ever asked for, thank you.
Carson: I know you did everything you could to save me, but it just wasn't going to happen. But thanks anyway.
Ronon: You always had my back on missions, thank you for that. Take care of everyone for me, i think they'll need it.
Teyla: I love you, I should have said it sooner and a lot more often, but I didn't. I'm sorry it has to end like this, but I know that you can pull through this, your strong. I love you, I love you, I love you.
I've done everything I wanted to in this life and I am ready to accept my fate. now I leave you all with one last piece of advice, as the song goes 'Someday, I hope you get the chance, to live like you were dying.''