Summary: Hello you "privileged" person and welcome to my first attempt at a JCA inspired fan fiction. It's not really anything to do with the show but has most of the characters in it (or will do at some point). This is just some random idea I had…I decided to loosely explain Englishness (that word is bad English I know!) with the assistance of Valmont haha! It isn't complete, I sort of had an idea (because it's in script format) that if anybody reading this and reviewing wants to they can be in the next parts at some point…just give me permission to use you in your review or email me. More details at the end!
Quick Note: Before anyone flames me for stereotyping English people (not so much in this part but later on) may I remind you that I AM English. I try to be open minded about all nationalities, it annoys me when people of my own nationality never mind others consider themselves superior but that's on a too serious note. I am basically making fun of myself, stereotypes annoy me but we must remember that everyone stereotypes everyone else. I have to go to school with people who have a very stereotypical view on Americans (just an example) which I find appalling because the Americans I have come across either on or offline have been very cool.
Rating: Hmm PG for now because of a few bad words.
Valmont's guide to England and being English!
On a particularly warm April evening, fluttering further away from the ghosts of twilight towards nightfall there is a surge of people along the otherwise quiet street. They all move as one in an untidy fashion to a Victorian styled theatre looming with curious menace over them. As they filter through the magnificent red double doors after braving three worn steep steps they begin a cautious journey along a long purple carpet. After separating into two lines the mass of people push through great oak doors, admiring the elaborate carvings on them while another division leads some in the same direction as a loan sign. That sign is white with raised bold black letters and an arrow pointing underneath the word "balconies" – without a murmur of question the people do as they are being told and follow as if being beckoned by an invisible force.
A sense of fear and uncertainty clings heavily to the air sweeping over their skin as they find their respective dark green velvet lined chairs to sit on. As the great red curtain begins to twitch their mindless chatter is silenced in an instance. Now as the curtain rises, slowly revealing a highly raised stage the serious tone of this first section is struck down in it's prime (I know – it's devastating isn't it?)
A small, strange almost nerdish looking young woman stands alone in the centre of the stage. The lights dim and a single circle concentrates on her form. She curses under her breath at the crease running along the skirt of her gothic dress and nervously pushes her glasses up her nose with a grin in response to the disgusted gasp from the audience.
CATHEROS: Erm…hehe…I do apologise * smoothes out crease with her hands * Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to our badly stereotyped form of cultural enlightenment.
Catheros bows as the audience clap with a slight lack of enthusiasm. She raises her head and snarls in disapproval. The terror struck audience begins to clap wildly.
CATHEROS: That will be enough thank you! I need to introduce my first helper. Please welcome, all the way from wherever the hell she's from – Viper! * points towards the left of the stage as Viper steps out into a spotlight * As seen in the brilliant Jackie Chan Adventures!
VIPER: Well…yeah…brilliant is debatable as I'm no way in it enough!
The audience laugh as does Catheros, the latter more out of self pity for making Vipers first line so poor and out of character. Catheros hits her self with a frying pan that handily sits on the edge of the stage, punishing herself for being so stupid. The frying pan magically disappears as the author no longer has any use for it.
RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER (RAM): Hello! This is about England, she isn't English!
CATHEROS: I was getting to that! Shut up and sit down, eat a crumpet or something!
RAM: Do I get tea with that?
CATHEROS: What do I look like a waitress? No! Shut up before I make you, you're interrupting my plot!
VIPER: What plot?
CATHEROS: Shhuuuush!
VIPER: So anyway…I'm helping her. Our visual aid shall we say is being stubborn and needs a humour transplant * walks over to the right hand stage exit but does nothing having received a shake of the head from Catheros * Ok you'll see what I mean in a minute or two.
CATHEROS: * standing at the front of the stage * Now you may or may not know that I am indeed English - the Yorkshire accent probably doesn't help * laughs nervously * I have brought you all here today to go through a rather stereotyped guide to being English - some of which are my own observations. Yes I take the piss out of my own nationality! Haha!
After a brief silence it is revealed that other members of the JCA cast are present in the building. Uncle impatiently jumps to his feet causing a crack in his old bones, waving his arms above his head like a lunatic.
UNCLE: Aiiiiyaaa! Get on with it! Uncle is bored of long dragged out introductions, so are the very poor unfortunate readers - Viper you are a bad influence on her!
VIPER: Umm…how?
UNCLE: I don't know! Never question Uncle! * folds his arms and forms a smug smirk across his face *
Uncle is forced to sit down by an embarrassed Jackie while Jade and Tohru fail to fight back sniggers. Catheros stamps her left foot to regain the attention of her somewhat two dimensional audience. (Yes the author knows that attention to detail has not been given!)
CATHEROS: As I was saying…this is a guide, but it isn't mine…I'm just the evil person making the poor person who it really belongs to go through this whole thing. Please welcome the owner of this guide and our visual aid, every JCA fangirls favourite crime lord * swoons *…VALMONT!
Viper disappears from the stage momentarily and returns dragging a very reluctant Valmont on a lead tied around his neck. She continues to pull as he attempts to return backstage but as this nearly chokes him he has to give in. He is placed next to Catheros who takes the lead from Viper with a satisfied grin.
FANGIRLS (in the audience): Arrghhh! VALMONT!
Several Fangirls are restrained by security, one of which has to be heavily sedated for excess annoying screams. The rest sit back down and keep their mouths firmly closed.
CATHEROS: Next girl to so much as squeak will be expelled from the building!
VIPER: Personally I think you're all nuts.
VALMONT: Jealous Viper? * arches a suggestive eyebrow *
Catheros tugs violently on the lead causing Valmont to almost turn blue due to lack of oxygen. She gently whacks him on the back of the head.
VALMONT: Oww! Now now m'dear there was no need for that at all.
CATHEROS: Yes there was, it's called speaking out of turn. Oh and Viper we're not nuts just crazy for guys with long white hair…and gorgeous deep blue eyes…and * eyes glaze over *
Catheros is cut short as Viper slaps her across the face to bring her out of her little obsessive trance. Catheros rubs the slap mark on her face before turning back towards the audience. After her little dreamy description the Fangirls are almost on the edge of their seats gritting their teeth in a useless attempt at self-control.
CATHEROS: Why can everyone do that Uncle styled hit now?!
VALMONT: Good question, perhaps they watch too much television * gags as the lead is pulled again, he's bought closer to Catheros as she twists the lead around her hand * Please stop doing that, I can't die, I have a business to run!
CATHEROS: Stop being so bloody cheeky then, don't make me set the Fangirls on you!
The Fangirls begin to salivate madly at the mere suggestion of being set on the object of their insane desires, security have to sedate yet another girl who leaps out of her seat screaming. She, although unconscious, is ejected from the building.
CATHEROS: Damn Fangirls!
VALMONT: Now don't make me tell you about the pot and the kettle * winks *
VIPER: Will you guys knock it off with the tea thing, we haven't got to that part!
CATHEROS: * now a lovely bright red colour * It's an expression…talk about the pot calling the kettle black…
VALMONT: Yes because she is condemning those scary girls over there *winces as a scream erupts from their general direction * when we all know that she's just as bad, what was it dear? Watching the repeats on Fox Kids plus 1 just to see me again * grins *
CATHEROS: I do nothing of the sort! * twitches *
Jade suddenly runs up to the foot of the stage and removes her shoe to bang against the stage. Once she has earned their respect and hopefully attention she commences her frustrated little speech because the author feels bad for not letting any of the god guys have much to say just yet.
JADE: Hello! Plot? You're diverting again…stop procrastinating!
VIPER: What?
CATHEROS: We're sticking with the theme…because everyone SO knows that we English people always use ridiculously long words when a shorter one would have suited fine.
VALMONT: While we're on the subject…as this is MY guide could the host please request to have his dog collar removed?
VIPER AND CATHEROS: NO!
VALMONT: Can't blame a guy for trying * shrugs * Ouch! Stop hitting me!
CATHEROS: Never say "guy" it's out of character.
VALMONT: Oh I am so pissed off with this stay in character thing!
VIPER: Well you're going to have to hold that thought…
JADE: * returns to her seat * No…surely not…you can't stop there!
CATHEROS: Yes we can because it's 11:15pm in England and the author has school in the morning.
VALMONT: I refuse to remain strung up like this for hours on end! You can't do this to me!
CATHEROS: Shut up, be thankful that I didn't introduce what I'm planning to next chapter!
VIPER: Here's a clue V…begins with W ends in P and has a H and an I in the middle.
VAMLMONT: * face falls into a look of extreme worry * HELP!
CATHEROS: We hope you'll all join us next time…well ok soon when the author can be bothered to write more! We shall be discussing every English love, from tea…to money…to their loyalty to the Royal family…oh and my own love of sarcasm. Bye for now! Wave goodbye Valmont!
VALMONT: NO!
CATHEROS: Don't make me set the Fangirls on you!
VALMONT: * waves madly as the curtain falls *
TO BE CONTINUED…maybe
Final notes: I stink at humour…I'm sorry. Let me know if you liked it please…and also if adding other authors is a good idea. If you want to be in it you can, I just need to know if you want to be "normal" or a crazy Fangirl (you don't HAVE to be one of the Big V crew by the way hehe). Once again I'm sorry for this pathetic attempt…so no need to flame I already know! :P