Staying up late at night + pretty Gundam Wing Instrumentals = Rb's weird POV fics. ^_^;;
All right, I blame this fic on Napster's easy availibility to being able to download music. ^_- I was on a Card Captor Sakura kick, then I discovered that Gundam Wing had awesome instrumentals and I started with those.
The main inspiration for this half of the fic was the piece titled 'From the Cockpit of a Suicide Mission.' It's a strangely pretty, slow piece, and got me to thinking about the only actively suicidal (well...technically...) Chosen Child, Ichijouji Ken, Resident Angst-Ridden Bishounen of Digimon Adventures Zero-Two!
It's set in episode 26, the episode where XV-mon and Stingmon first jogress evolve into Paildramon. I haven't seen that episode for ages, so please forgive me if I left out something important. I don't own Daisuke or Ken, to my dismay -- but I don't want to join the queue of crazed fangirls, so I'm just borrowing them for now. ^_^
LIVE!
~Ken~ From the Cockpit of My Suicide Mission
by Rb
I think I'm going to die soon.
No, scratch that. I *know* I'm going to die soon. It's all a
matter of the timing. Ever since I "came back" to
myself, I've had the weirdest sensation of being unbalanced in
some strange, subtle way. Like I'm drifting through a tank full
of water. I haven't got any air left.
I know I'm going to die. And the thought doesn't really disturb
me. Maybe then I can be with my brother. I can ask him, were you
watching out for me? What happened? Why couldn't I be like you?
Why, whenever I strived so hard, did I fail so miserably?
I can feel my heartbeat. It pounds slowly, steadily, easily. I
wonder what'll happen if it *stops*, just like that. Will I still
be alive for a short amount of time, feeling the emptiness where
my heartbeat was?
Maybe it'll be familiar. I've lived with my heart being totally
empty for so long. Maybe if my heart stops, I won't even notice.
Maybe for me, the heart isn't necessary.
Every hour, every minute, every second that I'm still alive, it's
a waste. I'm just going through the motions. My will to survive
has abandoned me. I've fallen off my winged Pegasus, the one I
tried to fly to my dreams, and now the only place to go is down.
I can't undo what I've already done, even though I've tried. Each
and every night spent in the digital world knocking down the Dark
Towers, my legacy, only serves to remind me of how horrible I
was. I can't bear the burden of guilt laid upon me. Not even
Wormmon can stop it.
And I feel horrible, because if I die, then so will Wormmon --
but maybe Wormmon will be reborn again, and maybe he'll partner
another little boy who is really, truly kind. I'm not too
worried. My parents...I barely know them, and while I feel for
them, I can't feel that much.
Maybe I'm afraid. Maybe. The pain keeps washing over me like a
cold, cruel wind, cutting straight to my heart, over and over
again, never giving me respite. Although I cry out in the
recesses of my mind to please, please, please let me go, I keep
hearing my own voice -- so throaty, so different -- laughing
wildly. Cruelly.
I don't want to ever inflict that side of me on anyone else.
Ever. Again. But it may be too late...I can't erase the scars
I've already carved into the flesh of countless digimon...or the
other Chosen...
I don't see why Motomiya-kun keeps calling and e-mailing me. I've
hurt him. Isn't that reason enough to avoid me? I don't see why
he insists on trying to join his group. Is he trying to remind me
of how pure their group is? I'm not like them. I'm nothing. I'm
nothing any more. I'm useless.
I wish he'd stop.
I wish he'd never started.
Every call, every time he visits, every time I see those warm
brown eyes so hopeful...every time I reject him...another thorn
in my side. But...he's something. I'm nothing. I can't be with
them. I'm not like them. I don't want to be like them, those who
have a purpose, a destiny, something to keep them alive.
I want to die.
I'm at a weirdly peaceful level now, calm and collected. To the
outside world, it may seem like I'm angry, but it's just a
facade, just anything to hide my inner peace. I can feel my death
approaching. I know it'll come to me. I know I can embrace it, if
I want.
My digimon partner, Wormmon -- now in Stingmon form -- is beside
me. I feel a flash of momentary regret. I don't want Stingmon to
be near me when I die. I might be in physical pain. He might get
upset. I...I don't want him to be hurt, as well...
I'm displeased at seeing the other Chosen ready to fight. This is
my battle. This is the battle I will fight. If I die -- when I
die -- it's because of my choice.
Don't stop me! Don't stop me, Motomiya-kun! This is my battle!
This is what I was destined to do! You're different than I am,
you're destined to live -- believe me, I'm okay with this.
This is what I have to do. This is what I will do, to erase
myself and the memory of my crueller self.
You're different than I am. You're still innocent. And I don't
want to see you hurt. Leave me. Let me do what I must do. Dying
is not hard. I should have died long ago -- life just cursed me
by sticking with me. Until now.
I'm not afraid. Let me go!
Your words hold no meaning, Motomiya-kun. They're tainted by your
innocence. You don't understand me, Motomiya-kun!
Let me...
Let...
"LIVE!"
An impassioned shout, and now my heart's pounding. No, not just
my heart -- I can feel his heart beating, at the same time as
mine...
Two hearts synchronized...
...beating as one...
...what is this feeling, deep inside of me?
Is it life?
And as the power leaps from him, from me, and to our digimon, who
start to grow together -- for a moment, feeling his heart beat
with mine -- I feel truly alive, the inner peace I'd tried to
keep to sustain me shattered for good, and I don't regret it.
So this is how it feels, to ride Pegasus, to fly and not fall.
It's...warm, and it melts the coldness that has pierced to my
bones.
It's also scary, but it's a kind of scariness that I could get
used to.
So this is my rescue, from the cockpit of my suicide mission.