Lover's Lament
Synopsis: Alexander drinks to forget, to punish himself, and to sink into oblivion.
Pairing: Alexander and Hephaistion
Warning: Angst galore, character death (prior)
[AUTHOR'S NOTE: this little plot bunny stems from a conversation with Zophiel about Alexander's frame of mind after Hephaistion's death and whether he blamed himself for all the crossed words and wasted time he could have spent with Phai.]
The air was heavy with the cloying smell of incense. A woman's high pitched laughter rang out from somewhere in the courtyard, grating on his raw nerves. Alexander drank heavily from his cup as he moved away from the balcony. It was his 5th cup of unwatered wine and still his mind raced. He wished fervently that the wine would take effect soon and allow him to sink into oblivion.
He couldn't stand to be around people any more, the pitying looks they give him when they thought his back was turned. He didn't want to spend time alone inside his bedchamber either, too many memories of his beloved inside those silk walls. Late in the evening, when all the people inside the palace retired for the night and it finally grows quiet, he swears he could hear his Hephaistion's voice and sometime his all too rare laughter.
"Hephaistion are you haunting me?"
The only answer is the gentle whisper of the wind. The curtains rippled gently from the breeze, reminding him instantly of his Hephaistion's brunet tresses. He closed his eyes and saw Hephaistion laughing as they raced away from the school in Mieza in a rare free afternoon. The sun created a halo around his beloved's face while highlighting the strands into multiple shades of brown, red, and gold. His hair had been shorter then, just to his shoulders, and he looked young and radiantly beautiful.
His memories shifted to shortly after they've entered Babylon. Hephaistion's hair had been past his shoulders and the torch lights had made the golden strands, bleached by the hours in the sun, appear like the finest gold. The Persian servants had painted kohl around his jewel bright blue eyes, which had been dancing with promise and sincerity. He hadn't been able to resist stroking that soft cheek and silken hair. Hephaistion had been older then, but no less beautiful.
His mind's eye flashed forward to one of the last time they had spent time alone together. It was weeks before their arrival to Ecbatana and after their hard march through the desert. They took a picnic to a nearby oasis and dined in peace, away from the servants and soldiers. His breath hitched as he remembered his beloved's flushed face after a too rushed but passionate joining, neither one being able to last having been apart for so long. Hephaistion's damp tresses were spread on the grass, his lips parted as he panted for breath, those glorious eyes shielded by thick lashes. His beloved was older, hardened by years of military campaign with scars marring his once perfect body. But to him, Hephaistion had never looked more beautiful.
A loud boisterous laugh broke him out of his reverie and he opened his eyes to a cold and empty room. He would be weeping inconsolably by now, except he had no more tears left. He had spent months crying at every little reminder of Hephaistion, until he had felt wrung out and exhausted.
He had banned everyone from his chambers. His pages were allowed in briefly in the morning and night to clean and prepare his chamber, but he didn't want their presence to contaminate a sacred place where he and Hephaistion were once so happy together.
He couldn't wait to leave Ecbatana, the cursed place that took the most important person in his life away. He had wanted to burn the place down to the ground as the army left. The only thing that saved it was a promise he made to Hephaistion years ago after the burning of Persepolis.
Alexander: "It needed to come down! As long as that place remained standing, the populace would never accept me as their rightful ruler."
Hephaistion: "No, you just gave them yet another reason to hate you! They might have grudgingly accepted your rule eventually, but now their hate is so inflamed, they would use the first opportunity to turn against you!"
The pair stood with fist clenched, glaring at one another. Finally, the raised shoulder of the king dropped and a rueful expression replaced the defiant one.
"Perhaps it wasn't the best decision I've ever made."
Hephaistion snorted inelegantly: "I would think not. It was rash and I'm sure the week of drinking that led to that night didn't help."
The blond chuckled mirthlessly. "What's done is done. How do you propose we move ahead?"
A thoughtful look appeared on Hephaistion's face before he spoke: "Leave a number of men behind to rebuild the city and to fortify the place into a garrison. We can use Persepolis as a central communication point."
Alexander considered the suggestion for a few seconds before nodding. "What would I do without you cleaning up my mess?"
Hephaistion arched his brows before dryly commenting: "how about you think of the consequences before any future rash decisions."
"How would I know if it's a rash decision?"
Hephaistion chuckled and teased: "Just look toward me before giving any orders from now on."
"You would love that wouldn't you, to be the one giving out the orders?"
"That would be a nice change of pace."
Alexander moved closer before pulling his beloved closer to him. "I promise that you can give out the orders tonight."
Hephaistion considered the king thoughtfully before a grin broke across that beautiful face, "I think I shall and I promise you won't like all the orders."
"As long as it results in the two of us sweaty and exhausted, I won't mind in the least."
Hephaistion leaned closer and laid a lingering kiss against his blonde's lips before murmuring, "famous last words my love."
Alexander pulled his hair, shorn close to his scalp by his own hands, trying to cause physical pain to replace the emotional ache gripping his heart tight. There would be no more long nights, no more lingering kisses and sweet caresses. His Phai was gone and it was all his fault.
"My king, please you need to eat."
The soft accented voice interrupted his thoughts as he looked up to see Bagoas standing near the doorway. He had banned the loyal eunuch away from his chamber, which he knew confused the boy. How could he explain that even though he had spent more time in this chamber with the boy than with Hephaistion, the room reminded him strongly of his beloved and he didn't want to taint those memories?
"I'm not hungry Bagoas."
Bagoas nodded sadly before clearing the food sitting on the counter. After a brief pause as the boy looked hopefully at the king, he ducked his head in defeat and left quickly.
"I've asked him to leave my Phai, will you stay with me tonight?"
Not even a breeze answered his desperate question this time.
He dropped down onto the bed and drank deeply from his cup. If only his mind would calm and allow him peace. Every time he closed his eyes, memories of his beloved would appear. Had it just been the good remembrances, he could have borne that although it left him feeling empty and alone.
No, it wasn't the good memories that haunted him, it was every word spoken in anger, every disappointed look, every flicker of sadness through his Hephaistion's eyes.
"I wasted so much time my Phai. Would you ever forgive me?"
The echo of a woman's high pitch laughter rang out, as if jeering at his gall at apologizing for the unforgiveable.
Alexander's racing mind conjured up the brief flicker of sadness that crossed Hephaistion's face as he chose to spend yet another night in the arms of concubines, the tiredness on his beloved's face as he worked around the clock to achieve Alexander's bidding, the disappointment he had been unable to mask as Alexander had postponed their time together.
He dropped his head into his hand as rough fingers gripped through unruly hair at all the crossed and angry words that passed between them. The worse had been when he reprimanded Hephaistion in front of his troops and actually threatened his beloved's life if he fought with Craterous again.
"You never deserved him you sorry son of a bad mother! Threatening to kill your own heart, your soul mate, your beloved. What a fool you are!"
It had taken weeks of apologies, friendly overtures, and attempts to give him gifts before Hephaistion had stop treating him like a stranger. He thought it would literally kill him seeing those once warm Cerulean eyes regard him with cool and detached professionalism.
He hadn't known what his heated words had almost done to their once unbreakable bond. It wasn't until Hephaistion no longer treated him like Alexander, his best friend and soul mate, but rather as his king that he realized what had happened.
He had faced fear and uncertainty many times in his life, but nothing compared to the soul crushing fear that gripped him at the thought of loosing Hephaistion's love. He rubbed his chest, which ached with the weight of his all encompassing grief as he thought back to the night his beloved finally returned to him.
Alexander had made his way to Hephaistion's tent. The last few times he had summoned Hephaistion, his beloved had shown up all business and ready to take on the king's bidding. Phai had brushed off all of his attempts at apologies and insisted that no forgiveness was needed since he was king and his will is final.
No, Hephaistion's barrier is firmly up when Alexander summoned him. To get his beloved to actually hear his heart and sincere regret, he needed to see him unannounced. It was getting well into the night, but he was not surprised to see Hephaistion bent over his desk working still.
Hephaistion looked up in surprise before soothing his features into a calm mask. "My king, how may I be of assistance?"
Alexander looked at his beloved calm and emotionless face before moving closer to his heart's desire, stopping when he was five feet away. Holding his beloved's eyes, he slowly dropped down to kneel before him.
"Alexander, stop!" Hephaistion leapt to his feet and leaned down to help Alexander up.
He remained on the ground, just a humble man before his lover. "Please forgive me Phai, I can't go on without you."
Hephaistion's shocked eyes met his, seeing his sorrow and despair. His beloved's gaze softened gradually before Phai lowered himself to the ground to meet him eye to eye.
"Of course I forgive you."
He held trembling hands up to cup his beloved's face, marveling as always at the soft creamy skin. Hephaistion, knowing exactly what he needed, brought their lips together. A few gentle, barely there brushes of lips, before both lovers hungrily devoured each other. It was well into the early morning before their reaffirmation of love was satisfied.
Hephaistion laid on his lack and Alexander on his side with his arm draped over his beloved one's stomach. He breathed in Phai's heady scent, the smell of lemongrass, leather, and a unique smell all his own. If he could categorize a smell as home, this was it, for Hephaistion was his center, his salvation, his everything.
His beloved's long lashes lifted to reveal mysterious blue pools that focused on him with a considering look. "Why did you come tonight?"
"I was afraid."
"Of what?"
"Of loosing you."
"I'm not going anywhere."
"Physically, no, but I was afraid that I would lose you, lose us."
Hephaistion considered him for a long moment, before admitting: "It crossed my mind more than once that we as a couple was over."
His beloved's words ripped through him, making his heart ache in pain. A lump grew in his throat and he barely squeezed out a whispered word: "Why."
"I never believed you would say something like that to me. You wouldn't have ten years ago, 6 years ago, even a year ago. The fact that you were so quick to judge, without giving me a chance to explain, and then threaten me physically, I thought…"
Hephaistion grew silent, chewing his lips in agitation.
He prodded softly: "You thought what?"
"That you must not love me anymore, and I'm just one of the many expandable soldiers."
Alexander's eyes widened in horror before kneeling over Hephaistion. Gripping the other man's shoulders he spoke urgently: "Never think that! I will always love you and need you, long past the ashes of our bones have scattered to the winds and all that we have built is but a dream."
Tears formed in Hephaistion's eyes, making them jewel bright and breathtakingly beautiful. A tremulous smile lifted the corners of his lips as Hephaistion raised his hands and placed them on Alexander's.
"I guess I just needed to hear that sometimes."
Alexander's face contorted with sorrow. "It was the fault of mine, that I've neglected you to the point that you doubt my eternal devotion to you. I will do a better job I swear, to make sure we have time together, so that you will never doubt my love again."
Alexander lay down again and pulled his beloved closer, burying his face into his Phai's silky tresses. They lay there, silently regarded one another until sleep finally claimed them both.
A cry from a peacock interrupted his reverie, lifting him from one of the scariest moments of his life. He stood up on aching legs and made his way to the table to refill his cup. He made his way outside to the balcony to look down into the inky blackness surrounding Babylon broken only by torches.
"I didn't keep my promise did I Phai? Is that why you left me? But why did you leave me physically as well? I thought you promised you would always be there? Unlike me, you always keep your promises."
He drained his cup and looked down into the emptiness. The cup was beautiful and ornate, like everything around him in this cursed place. What good is silver and gold, when the most priceless treasure a man could ever hope to obtain is gone forever?
He flung the cup off the balcony with all his strength, yelling in impotent fury. The dark night swallowed the offering leaving him empty and so cold inside. He turned his back on the taunting darkness and made his way to his lonely bed. He lay down on his side and pulled a pillow, Hephaistion's pillow close to him. Desperately he tried to find Hephaistion's scent, but after these long agonizing months, nothing remained by his own scent and the smell of copious tears.
He whispered to the empty room: "Please forgive me my Phai, I can't go on without you."
He wanted nothing more than to hear his beloved's lyrical voice reply back – Of course I forgive you.
The only answer is the gentle whisper of the wind.
[The end.]
[Author's note: I'm not going to lie, parts of this made my heart ache in sadness and cry. Runs off to console my poor neglected Hephaistion.]