Does this darkness have a name?
Disclaimer: Sadly, I DO NOT OWN DEGRASSI, just my predictions and ideas :)
A/N: Hey! This is my first time writing fan fiction. I have already started writing a different story, but I want to see where I am at in my writing. So I decided to do this ONESHOT. I was inspired to write this while watching the new promos and while watching a video by SDABHHFAN4LIFE it's called Eli & Clare ● Does this Darkness have a name? Check it out, it's really good! Also some parts of this oneshot is my predictions. Please be gentle with me while reviewing. I want constructive criticism, but don't totally bombard me with bad reviews please. Any-who! Enjoy!
Does this darkness have a name?
Summary: While in the hospital after his car crash, Eli thinks long and hard about his actions towards Clare. His behavior, actions, and attitude towards her since 'he' came back. Does he think he's right? Had he over exaggerated? What about Julia's anniversary? Did that affect anything?
Does this darkness have a name?
I'm so bored. Why did I have to overreact? Why did I have to push her away? Why did he have to come back and ruin everything? Why does Julia's anniversary, still scare me? Here I am, sitting in this hospital bed feeling like complete and utter shit. I'm starving as fuck, this hospital food sucks. I wish I had moms cooking instead of plastic-tasting hospital food. My entire body aches, it's also freezing in here. Haven't they heard of a heater? I wish Clare was here. I guess I better get used to this, I won't be seeing much of Clare for awhile. With our break and my bed rest my doctor said I had to do once I was allowed to get out of here. Clare. She has been on my mind since last night.
This cruelty?
Apparently I suffocate her. She needs a 'break'. All I did, was try to protect her, I'm her boyfriend for gods sake. My job is to protect her, be there for her whenever she needs me. When she told me I scare her last night, it was probably the most heartbreaking thing I ever heard come out of her mouth. I'm suppose to love, protect, and care for her. Not scare her or make her worried. I guess, maybe I did get a little overprotective. But it was for her honor. I wasn't going to let that neanderthal suck her in, and put all those thoughts into her head and make me look like the bad guy. Clare always has to look at the good side of people. Don't get me wrong, I bet Fitz has a TON of good qualities in him, it's just his bad side overrides ANYTHING good inside him.
This hatred? How did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it?
Ever since the day I met him, I hated him. He caused trouble, by breaking Mortys hood ornament. Gave Adam a hard time, just because he was a little different. Played with Clare's mind, by telling her if she didn't go to the dance with him, he was going to hurt me. pfft, he doesn't scare me, not one bit. But he was smart enough to say those words, because he knew Clare wouldn't give up a chance to protect someone. To be honest, he did kinda scare me. He scared me for two reasons, and two reasons only. He scared me by, holding me at knife point. That moment was pure terror for me. If he had killed me, I would lose everyone I ever cared about. Cece and Bullfrog, Adam, Sav and also Clare. Clare and I had gotten into a relationship that very day.
Another reason he scares me, is because of Clare. Clare was willing to forgive him. Which lead from being civil, to hanging out, becoming BFFL's and then more of the two of them talking. How do I know he really truly is sorry, and won't try to hurt Clare? I don't. And that's what scares me. He could hurt Clare at any moment, he could just use her to get revenge on me. I don't have to worry about him hurting Adam, because I know for sure Adam wants nothing to do with him and will do his best to stay away. But what also scares me, is that one day, Clare is going to realize what a complete moron I truly am and leave me for him. I mean, if Clare can see his good side, she might take interest in him. Fitz doesn't scare me physically, but mentally…he does.
What happened to us? That we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war, hoping for their safe return, but knowing that some will be lost along the way.
I will never admit that Fitz scares me a little. No matter what, I will never show him weakness. I had enough of his threats and constant bullying. Back in the 4th grade, when I was nine years old. There was this kid named Mike. He would constantly bother me, and I would let him. During recess, he would chase me, then push me down and call me names. Every single teacher that was assigned on watch duty for the week, never noticed Mikes bullying. They thought it was just two boys, merely playing tag. I would run from him, sometimes hide, but he would always find me. He made fun of me, because of the way I dressed and acted. He would call me 'Emo boy' or 'queer.' It never got to me before, like it doesn't get to me now, but he was bigger than me. Also, he was a grade up from me. When the school year was ending and Mike was going to be moving away to a completely different state, I vowed I would never let anyone pick on me. I vowed I was going to fight back, and NOT let some guy manipulate me. If I had to, I was gonna act like I was going into War. If the bully wanted to fight, I was going to fight back, but only ten times more harder, and I was going to make sure I had the last word and win the War.
Fitz is back in my life, and I can't do anything about it. The boy is like a freaking cockroach, no matter how many times I try to get it to die. It comes back. Just like the way Fitz got arrested during Vegas Night, I for sure thought he wouldn't come back, considering he got expelled. But look here, Fitz is back. And he's trying to get our 'forgiveness'. Forgiveness my ass, i'm not like Clare, I refuse to forgive him. I hate to admit this, but Clare has sort of forgiven him. My own girlfriend, has forgiven the guy that caused Adam and I so much trouble. This is a sign, I am slowly loosing the war...
When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows, swallowed whole by the darkness.
If I had gone through with my suicide attempt, I would have lost Clare, she would go for Fitz, and they would have a happy life together. I can't believe I even considered going suicidal. Not only was I willing to hurt myself, I was also willing to hurt the people that love and care about me. At the moment, I figured it was a good idea. Mom and Dad wouldn't have to deal with my hoarding, Adam wouldn't have to deal with my shitty attitude, and he could focus more on his princess, and I would be out of Clare's hair, I wouldn't 'suffocate' her. I know it's stupid to think about suicide, but when your'e put in a situation I was in, you would think it was the right way too.
Now that I think about it, if I didn't survive the accident and died, I would have put Clare in the same situation I was in with Julia. Not in the same sense, but I would have made Clare feel like it was her fault. She probably would have to live the rest of her life in guilt, thinking that it was her fault, that I decided to kill myself. How selfish can I be? I would have put Clare, Adam, and my parents into hell. I wasn't even thinking about them. God, I'm such an ass! If anyone knows the feeling about loosing someone they love, I am the perfect example. I lost Julia because of a drunk driver, she didn't plan on loosing her life, I was. Oh my god, in my suicide attempt, I was the 'drunk driver' I could have killed someone else's Julia. I was careless enough to not only think about just myself, but I didn't think about other people. I was hurting people I care about, and I didn't even realize it.
Julia. Two weeks prior to her anniversary, I felt horrible. I miss her, I'm not going to deny it. Call it a gut moment, but something in me was telling me to protect Clare a thousand times more than I actually was. I was going to make sure no one harmed her. I refuse to let what happened to Julia, happen to Clare. I really need to think things a little more thoroughly, before I put it into action.
Does this darkness have a name?
What kind of person have I turned into? A person who thinks he's doing right, but is doing the exact opposite. I have turned into a boy, who is overprotective, controlling, selfish, stubborn, and overall a complete jackass. I remember two days before the dance, Clare and I where at the abandoned church during lunch. I was in my red uniform and was wearing my leather jacket, while Clare was in her purple polo and wearing her denim jacket that she always wore. We were arguing and it wasn't going to end well.
**Flashback**
"Eli, please just listen to me," Clare pleaded
"Why? So you can tell me, how much of a bad boyfriend I am?," I asked furiously
"Clare, do you have any idea how much I am trying here? huh, do you?"
"Eli, please be rational here. All I need is some space." she said trying to be gentle.
"Space? You want space? I'm only making sure you're safe and protected, do you not appreciate the fact that I care about you?" I asked furiously,
I was ten spaces away from Clare, I was getting furious and furious as our conversation grew, when I get angry I tend to do things I KNOW I will regret. I was not going to harm Clare.
"I DON'T APPRECIATE IT? I DON'T APPRECIATE IT?" she yelled
"Eli, how can you say that? Of course I appreciate it! It's just you're suffocating me! You always have to have your arm around me, you give guys this look while in the hall, that if they even take one look at me, they will be killed, you always have to be close to me, and we always have to be with each other 24/7. Don't get me wrong I love that once in awhile, but lately it's been becoming to much!" Clare said waving her arms around.
"Well, I apologize for making your life a living hell. Maybe you should ask Fitzy boy to be your boyfriend, I'm sure he will make a way better boyfriend than me. Maybe he won't 'suffocate' you." I said getting more and more furious.
"Eli, you know I love you. I told you, I'm civil with Fitz, but i'm not going to leave you for him. I just need some space is all. Please don't take this to heart." Clare said sadly
"Fine! You want space? You can have it. Just remember, that I love you and I'm willing to do anything for you. Call me when you've had enough space." I said walking off to Morty furiously. Clare came to the abandoned church on her bike, I'm sure she made it safe home. I was to furious at the moment to even make words.
**End Flashback**
I'm making my own girlfriend feel like shit, I'm causing her to walk away from me, when I should be making her want to be around me. Am I seriously, as dark as my clothing? I'm a horrible boyfriend. I'm turning Clare's world into a gigantic tornado. All of her happy days, smiles, and laughter are vanishing from my very eyes. The worst part is I'm the reason it's going away.
Is it your name?
So? Please tell me what you think. Be honest now, I really want to work on my writing. Was it worth reading? *wink wink. Reviews would be very much appreciated ;) Thanks for reading!