Sometimes I Wish
-Summary- Two long years after everyone has gone their separate ways. Except for Fai and Mokona... A peaceful, wistful little vignette.
A/N - A what-if angsty one-shot that was the result of a day spent reading same. This one assumes a lot of things, and you can probably guess what they are as you read it. Semi-inspired angstiness by a song most of you have probably heard. The title's a bit of a hint, as it's part of the lyrics.
Oh! And did anyone besides me desperately want to hug Mokona for being such a sweetie in the first chapter of Vol. 7? And Fai, too, for that matter?
Disclaimer - I. Own. Nothing. Not one manga, not even a Mokona plushie. I wanna TRC plushiiie! (cries)
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Worlds swirled across his mind's eye, growing brighter and then sinking back into shadow as he let his raft of memories drift farther back in time.
"You're sad again." Mokona's voice right next to the mage's ear startled him out of the flow of memories. "Why is Fai sad?"
Fai smiled affectionately. He never had been able to fool Mokona. "Just thinking, Mokona. About the last time we were here."
"A long time ago," said Mokona. "Mokona remembers! There was a big, big shining fish in the lake, and no people anywhere!"
"Yes." Fai's smile softened. "Although I guess it's really only been a couple years, hasn't it? Funny how time flies when you never stop running. I remember we were all looking for Sakura-chan's feathers then, but we didn't find one here."
"There's no feather here now, either!" observed Mokona. "If there was, Mokona would have gone 'Mekyou!' And Syaoran would be running off to find it."
"Yep. No feathers left anywhere... or we wouldn't have separated." Fai tossed a pebble into the lake and watched it sink, his expression only slipping a little bit. He stirred his bare feet in the cool water that lapped against the grassy bank he and Mokona sat on.
Out in the middle of the lake, in direct contrast to the deep cerulean of the clear evening sky above, the waters shimmered with a soft golden glow. "Syaoran-kun found a little city out there, under the waters," Faisaid, knowing it was completely irrelevant but preferring innocent reminiscing to thinking about the day they'd had to leave the others behind. "It was why he wasn't disappointed that this world didn't have a feather. It was something unique, something fantastic and strange, never seen before by human eyes..."
"Mokona remembers that. Mokona remembers an awful lot," said Mokona, sounding almost solemn. "Fai remembers too - only Mokona thinks that Fai wishes he didn't remember so often." He wasn't talking about the memories associated with this particular world. "That's why Fai is sad more often now. There's too many memories that hurt Fai to remember."
"I have so many memories that I'm overflowing!" Fai said gaily, kicking at the water and watching the spray arc out into deeper waters. "Sooner or later some of them are bound to spill away..."
It bothered Mokona. So much of the things they had gone through over the time they had helped Syaoran and Sakura had been for memories, and he tried to articulate this feeling. "Fai shouldn't be trying to forget. Why would Fai want to lose his memories, like Sakura? At least Fai will never lose precious memories of the ones he cares about. Fai will always have those memories, even when no one else is there!"
"Always, always, always..." Fai agreed with a smile that was somehow vaguely sad.
"Why does Fai want to forget?" Mokona persisted.
Fai's good humour of a few moments before faded. "Maybe if I forgot... I wouldn't miss people so much."
"Fai is lonely?"
"No! Fai has Mokona! How could I possibly be lonely?" Fai laughed and hugged Mokona, who squeaked.
"Fai is not alone, but Fai is still lonely," Mokona said finally. "There is a Sakura-shaped hole in Fai's heart. And there's a Syaoran-shaped hole and a Kurogane-shaped hole in Fai's heart as well."
The magician blinked, and studied his little white companion with new eyes. "You have those three holes in your own heart, too, don't you, Mokona?"
"Mokona does," acknowledged Mokona. "Mokona really did like everyone a lot."
"Hmm." Fai's smile was distant. "I know my heart does feels stretched. Divided across four dimensions," Fai said finally, watching as the golden glow in the water beyond slowly faded to nothing, leaving the two in twilight. "They're all so close, yet so far - a breath and an eternity away. Ceres... Clow... Japan... and here. Wherever I am at the moment, with whatever's left of that stretched-out heart beating inside of me. Does Mokona feel like that too?"
Mokona shrugged, as best as a creature with no shoulders can shrug. Fai sighed, and pulled his feet out of the water. Hugging his knees to his chest, he added softly:
"Ceres seems a very long way off now. Barely a home at all. Maybe that's because of how I left it. I miss it, and I don't. Funny, isn't it? Or maybe not."
Fai leaned back, gazed up at the darkening sky slowly filling with brilliant stars, a half-smile on his face. "Sometimes, I find myself wishing something, when the stretching is too much, when those holes are too big. Sometimes I wish that the someone who is out there, looking for me even now, will find me... someday soon. I'm... getting tired of running."
"Don't wish that!" Mokona protested. "That would make Sakura and Kuro-tan and Syaoran so unhappy!"
"They're not here, they'll never know." Fai's smile almost wavered. "Anyways, you know that's not completely true. Kuro-chii would just say that, 'it's about damn time you faced your problems and accepted the consequences!'" His voice dropped in a creditable imitation of the sulky ninja's.
"But... besides that... they all got what they wanted most,"he went on, softly. "Why can't I have a wish like that? At least this one has a chance at coming true. I... I'm not really saying that I'm angry that I'm the only one who never found the thing I wanted more than anything. It makes me feel as if everything's all right in the universe to know that Sakura-chan is whole again, and that Syaoran-kun has his most precious friend back, and that Kuro-wan got to go home to his princess. They're happy, and that makes a part of me feel almost happy, too."
Silence. Fai slipped another pebble from hand to hand.
"Still," he said softly. "Still. If you won't let me wish for that, then I guess I might as well wish for something I've always know was impossible, huh? I could wish that we'd all been able to stay together. I can't help but wish that we could have, somehow."
Fai clenched the pebble tight in one fist. "But reality never turns out like we think it should, does it? I know it's selfish, but... I think that once I realized that going home was going to be even more impossible, that became my wish. Even if it can never be granted now, the thing I'd have liked would have been to be able to stay with our friends."
"Is that what Fai wants most?" Mokona asked, his little face scrunched up with some unreadable expression.
Fai tossed the pebble into the shallows, and the ripples in the water shattered the wizard's image, hiding his own reflected expression.
"Yes. I'd say that's what I would have wanted most."
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