Disclaimer: "Who owns the LOTR characters? Most unfortunately, not me. But
let it be known that if I did, I would be empress of the world and you
would all bow at my feet," That's a little message from my dear friend
(name withheld), who is quite as insane as I am, and will take over the
world with the dreaded duck-sheep, sometime. Don't bother suing me.
This story is a little random joke on my part. Do not be offended by this if you are an LOTR fan or Harry Potter fan. It's merely a bit of fun…he he he…hey, what are you doing with that strait jacket? Get away from me! ARGHH!
A Hobbit walks into a bar, along with his three mates. He orders a beer (after a little argument over age and ID) and sits down. A few minutes later, a wizard walks into the bar, hanging out with a couple of his friends. He sits down next to the Hobbit, orders a beer (after enchanting the bartender, since he's underage). For a while, they ignore each other, both preoccupied with their own concerns (the fate of the free people of Middle Earth and what to do about a certain snake-faced villain). However, booze has a way of bringing people… ahem… together.
Frodo: (Looking at Harry's scar) So, you Harry Potter then?
Harry: Yep (turns back to Ron).
Pause.
Frodo: saw your Movie.
Harry: Yep.
Another pause. Merry pops off to go cheat some orcs at poker, Pippin starts trying to chat up with Hermione.
Frodo: It really sucked, I think.
Harry: (turns round) and you really think your's can compare?
Frodo: I think at least the actors tried to act in mine.
Harry: I think you want to make something of it.
Pippin: (to Hermione) So, like, where are you from?
Hermione: (highly amused) do you realise you're almost twice my age?
Shouting breaks out across the room. Apparently, the orcs have figured out Merry is trying to cheat them. Everyone ignores them.
Frodo: I think it's just a bit rude, barging into our territory and all.
Harry: Your territory? Excuse me?
Ron: I think you're a mental, Mr Baggins.
Frodo: That's right, our territory! Tolkien created the fantasy market, I think you've got some nerve pushing in like you own it.
Harry: Oh, yeah, you're just jealous 'cos my books sold about three million more copies in five years then your's did in fifty.
Frodo: With what? Didn't you ever notice the similarities between Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings. Never occurred to you that your's is just a copy of mine?
Harry: Whatever!
Sam: And we got here first for that matter.
Hermione: Hey, so, like, what do you do? I can never figure out what Hobbits have as jobs. I mean, apart form Sam.
Ron: It doesn't matter who got here first. Our books are five times better then yours anyway.
Harry: And if you can't admit that, then you can't admit you have a problem.
Frodo: (Draws Sting, Jumps on Harry) Take this, scar-head!
Merry is seen catapulted across the room. He jumps up, unhurt, and runs into the men's room, slamming the door, and closely followed by the orcs.
Frodo and Harry wrestle on the floor, screaming insults at each other. Ron cheers them on, while Sam grabs the back of Frodo's cloak and tries to pull them apart,
Sam: Why is it that every time we go for a drink you end up beating up on some other book character?!?
Frodo: We were here before you, and now you've made the public lose faith in us! You tried to destroy us!
Harry: (wand drawn, trying to cast spells but missing by a long shot, as the two are rolling about on the floor) We were doing you a favour! You're old hat! You're history! Cold fish! Dead ducks! You're boring! No one cares about you any more!
Frodo: (Abandoning sword, aiming punch at Harry) Your story sucks! You can't even get a decent movie made out of it!
Harry: (Dodging punch) Your's was just a lot of gory fights, special effects and short people falling off things!
Frodo: ARE YOU DISSIN' SHORT PEOPLE!?!
Pippin: So, what sort of magic do you know? What's Hogwarts like?
Orcs are banging on the W.C door, screaming curses. Merry responds with a string of swear-words from inside.
Harry: (Rolls over, wand forgotten, fastens hands around Frodo's neck) You bet I am! How can you write a book where the main character is three feet tall?
Frodo: Ghakkk! Shkkakkkssh! *Choke choke.*
Ron grabs Harry and pulls him off Frodo. Sam helps Frodo up, both pairs are glaring daggers at each other.
Ron: (picks something off floor) Hey, look What I've got! (dangles THE RING on it's chain.
Frodo: (Gasps) Give that back! (Grabs Harry's wand from floor, points at Ron) Now!
Harry: My wand!
Hermione: (listening intently to Pippin's story) Weird! I really would love to meet Ents, they must be fascinating!
Pippin: Yeah, great blokes. Speaking of meeting, I was just, like, wondering if you, sorta had a boyfriend? You really dating that Krum guy?
The orcs have broken down the door of the Men's room, screaming at the top of their lungs. A riot has broken out around them (it's the opposite end of the bar from where the Hobbits and Wizards are) and chairs are being chucked across the room.
Harry: You can't use that anyway, it only works with wizards.
Frodo: (a few sparks shoot out of the wand) want to test that theory? Give me back the ring!
Ron: Come and get it! (Dangles ring in front of Frodo's nose).
Frodo: (Gives wand to Sam, makes a grab for Ring, but Ron pulls it out of his reach) Hey! Give it back you b@%#*d!
Sam and Harry are circling each other, Sam waving the wand and shooting fire at Harry. Pippin and Hermione are trading cell-phone numbers (what do you mean, Hobbits don't have cell-phones?) Frodo continues to jump up and down trying grab the ring from Ron, but Ron holds it just too high above his reach. The orcs have broken into the men's room, and are screaming when they find Merry gone. The bartender is trying to break up the riot, and a couple of bouncers are heading for the orcs, which are proceeding to rip up the urinals.
Harry: (jumping back from Sam's assault) Oi! That's not fair! I'm unarmed.
Ron: (cracking up at Frodo) Ha! Pity you don't have an elf handy!
Frodo: Want me to get one for you!? (Whips out cell phone) (Hey, I told you Hobbits have cell phones).
Hermione: (Looking around at the chaos for the first time) Do you want to go outside?
Pippin: (looks over at Ron teasing Frodo and Sam about to set Harry's hair on fire) Um, …hey Sam? You don't mind if I go outside do you?
Sam: What? No, go ahead (to Harry) Ha! My height's not so funny now, is it?
Bartender walks up, eyeing the situation not at all happily.
Bartender: Alright you lot, the orcs have beat it, why can't you? I don't want any more trouble, so scram!
While Ron and Sam are distracted, Frodo snatches the ring and Harry pinches his wand.
Harry: HA! I'll show you a fire spell, shortie!
Ron: Ohhh! Come one Harry, let's go.
Sam: (whew) Let's go Frodo, leave the freakin' wizards to their evil deeds (hands Frodo Sting back).
The four characters walk out the door, not turning their backs to each other once. Outside, Pippin and Hermione are kissing. Harry and Ron grab three broomsticks from the broom- bike-&-horse rack, and the Hobbits retrieve their ponies.
Pippin: Call me.
Hermione: Come see me this weekend. At Hogsmeade.
The two wizards and one witch mount their brooms.
Frodo: (as the three others fly away) Smart-Ass wizards!
Ron: Screw you!
Sam: (pulls fingers)
As the Hobbits get onto their ponies, Merry pops out of a rubbish skip behind the restaurant.
Merry: Phew! Hey guys. Don't you think they should make toilet windows easier to climb through?
Frodo: (grumpy) Shut up Merry.
Pippin: (Sigh).
Tune in next time, for more random bar fights and cross-species romance! HA HA HA!
This story is a little random joke on my part. Do not be offended by this if you are an LOTR fan or Harry Potter fan. It's merely a bit of fun…he he he…hey, what are you doing with that strait jacket? Get away from me! ARGHH!
A Hobbit walks into a bar, along with his three mates. He orders a beer (after a little argument over age and ID) and sits down. A few minutes later, a wizard walks into the bar, hanging out with a couple of his friends. He sits down next to the Hobbit, orders a beer (after enchanting the bartender, since he's underage). For a while, they ignore each other, both preoccupied with their own concerns (the fate of the free people of Middle Earth and what to do about a certain snake-faced villain). However, booze has a way of bringing people… ahem… together.
Frodo: (Looking at Harry's scar) So, you Harry Potter then?
Harry: Yep (turns back to Ron).
Pause.
Frodo: saw your Movie.
Harry: Yep.
Another pause. Merry pops off to go cheat some orcs at poker, Pippin starts trying to chat up with Hermione.
Frodo: It really sucked, I think.
Harry: (turns round) and you really think your's can compare?
Frodo: I think at least the actors tried to act in mine.
Harry: I think you want to make something of it.
Pippin: (to Hermione) So, like, where are you from?
Hermione: (highly amused) do you realise you're almost twice my age?
Shouting breaks out across the room. Apparently, the orcs have figured out Merry is trying to cheat them. Everyone ignores them.
Frodo: I think it's just a bit rude, barging into our territory and all.
Harry: Your territory? Excuse me?
Ron: I think you're a mental, Mr Baggins.
Frodo: That's right, our territory! Tolkien created the fantasy market, I think you've got some nerve pushing in like you own it.
Harry: Oh, yeah, you're just jealous 'cos my books sold about three million more copies in five years then your's did in fifty.
Frodo: With what? Didn't you ever notice the similarities between Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings. Never occurred to you that your's is just a copy of mine?
Harry: Whatever!
Sam: And we got here first for that matter.
Hermione: Hey, so, like, what do you do? I can never figure out what Hobbits have as jobs. I mean, apart form Sam.
Ron: It doesn't matter who got here first. Our books are five times better then yours anyway.
Harry: And if you can't admit that, then you can't admit you have a problem.
Frodo: (Draws Sting, Jumps on Harry) Take this, scar-head!
Merry is seen catapulted across the room. He jumps up, unhurt, and runs into the men's room, slamming the door, and closely followed by the orcs.
Frodo and Harry wrestle on the floor, screaming insults at each other. Ron cheers them on, while Sam grabs the back of Frodo's cloak and tries to pull them apart,
Sam: Why is it that every time we go for a drink you end up beating up on some other book character?!?
Frodo: We were here before you, and now you've made the public lose faith in us! You tried to destroy us!
Harry: (wand drawn, trying to cast spells but missing by a long shot, as the two are rolling about on the floor) We were doing you a favour! You're old hat! You're history! Cold fish! Dead ducks! You're boring! No one cares about you any more!
Frodo: (Abandoning sword, aiming punch at Harry) Your story sucks! You can't even get a decent movie made out of it!
Harry: (Dodging punch) Your's was just a lot of gory fights, special effects and short people falling off things!
Frodo: ARE YOU DISSIN' SHORT PEOPLE!?!
Pippin: So, what sort of magic do you know? What's Hogwarts like?
Orcs are banging on the W.C door, screaming curses. Merry responds with a string of swear-words from inside.
Harry: (Rolls over, wand forgotten, fastens hands around Frodo's neck) You bet I am! How can you write a book where the main character is three feet tall?
Frodo: Ghakkk! Shkkakkkssh! *Choke choke.*
Ron grabs Harry and pulls him off Frodo. Sam helps Frodo up, both pairs are glaring daggers at each other.
Ron: (picks something off floor) Hey, look What I've got! (dangles THE RING on it's chain.
Frodo: (Gasps) Give that back! (Grabs Harry's wand from floor, points at Ron) Now!
Harry: My wand!
Hermione: (listening intently to Pippin's story) Weird! I really would love to meet Ents, they must be fascinating!
Pippin: Yeah, great blokes. Speaking of meeting, I was just, like, wondering if you, sorta had a boyfriend? You really dating that Krum guy?
The orcs have broken down the door of the Men's room, screaming at the top of their lungs. A riot has broken out around them (it's the opposite end of the bar from where the Hobbits and Wizards are) and chairs are being chucked across the room.
Harry: You can't use that anyway, it only works with wizards.
Frodo: (a few sparks shoot out of the wand) want to test that theory? Give me back the ring!
Ron: Come and get it! (Dangles ring in front of Frodo's nose).
Frodo: (Gives wand to Sam, makes a grab for Ring, but Ron pulls it out of his reach) Hey! Give it back you b@%#*d!
Sam and Harry are circling each other, Sam waving the wand and shooting fire at Harry. Pippin and Hermione are trading cell-phone numbers (what do you mean, Hobbits don't have cell-phones?) Frodo continues to jump up and down trying grab the ring from Ron, but Ron holds it just too high above his reach. The orcs have broken into the men's room, and are screaming when they find Merry gone. The bartender is trying to break up the riot, and a couple of bouncers are heading for the orcs, which are proceeding to rip up the urinals.
Harry: (jumping back from Sam's assault) Oi! That's not fair! I'm unarmed.
Ron: (cracking up at Frodo) Ha! Pity you don't have an elf handy!
Frodo: Want me to get one for you!? (Whips out cell phone) (Hey, I told you Hobbits have cell phones).
Hermione: (Looking around at the chaos for the first time) Do you want to go outside?
Pippin: (looks over at Ron teasing Frodo and Sam about to set Harry's hair on fire) Um, …hey Sam? You don't mind if I go outside do you?
Sam: What? No, go ahead (to Harry) Ha! My height's not so funny now, is it?
Bartender walks up, eyeing the situation not at all happily.
Bartender: Alright you lot, the orcs have beat it, why can't you? I don't want any more trouble, so scram!
While Ron and Sam are distracted, Frodo snatches the ring and Harry pinches his wand.
Harry: HA! I'll show you a fire spell, shortie!
Ron: Ohhh! Come one Harry, let's go.
Sam: (whew) Let's go Frodo, leave the freakin' wizards to their evil deeds (hands Frodo Sting back).
The four characters walk out the door, not turning their backs to each other once. Outside, Pippin and Hermione are kissing. Harry and Ron grab three broomsticks from the broom- bike-&-horse rack, and the Hobbits retrieve their ponies.
Pippin: Call me.
Hermione: Come see me this weekend. At Hogsmeade.
The two wizards and one witch mount their brooms.
Frodo: (as the three others fly away) Smart-Ass wizards!
Ron: Screw you!
Sam: (pulls fingers)
As the Hobbits get onto their ponies, Merry pops out of a rubbish skip behind the restaurant.
Merry: Phew! Hey guys. Don't you think they should make toilet windows easier to climb through?
Frodo: (grumpy) Shut up Merry.
Pippin: (Sigh).
Tune in next time, for more random bar fights and cross-species romance! HA HA HA!