The Adventures of SPACE COWGIRL CUPCAKE!
Eleven-year-old Cupcake Henrietta Douge, princess of De Brea, is quite the trouble maker. Gifted (as her mother prefers to put it) with fire-breath and a thing for butts (not to mention her notorious alcoholism) she is known throughout the island as an arsonist and a hussie. But for her father, King Jose Cuervo, enough is enough. So after one final (and explosive) stunt, Cupcake decides to do the right thing - and make a run for it!
Written by Darlene R.
Chapter One: SCHPAMBOOF!
I woke up tangled in the gritty sheets of Adrian Trolla, glorious space-hunk extraordinaire.
I couldn t really remember what had happened the night before - all I could recall were - at least - six tequila fanny-bangers and an ongoing tape of Louie-Louie playing in the background. We danced the night away in the hot Venus heat, our heads spinning dizzy and my brain on fire. And the puckering sweetness of Adrian's kisses. He tasted like limes and aluminum foil.
"Mmmm..." I muttered, clutching my pillow. We were in orbit around the Earth now, winding back the time as he brought me home to De Brea before Papa realised I was gone.
As my sweet dreams continued, filling the blanks of the previous night, I reached out in my sleep to wrap my arms around my boyfriend. Well, one of them. Number five, to be specific.
"NOW ENTERING EARTH'S ATMOSPHERE!" barked the mega-whatever system. I jolted up in bed and saw Sparky, Adrian's robot dog, laying in his master's place beside me. "ADRIAN!" I hollered. Suddenly the ship activated its automatic restraints, buckling me down to the bed with an OOMF! and barely able to breathe.
My legs kicked as the ship sped up. Through the window beside the bed, I could see a firey glow.
"GAH!" I hollered. "WE'RE GOING TO DIE!"
R24 - or Ray - the robot man guy hovered into the room, carrying a bulky stupid helmet. "The master says you must be protected" said Ray, plunking it on my head.
I felt my throat grow hot. I could imagine myself with the damned thing on. I must'a looked pretty stupid.
"ADRIAN!" I screamed again. "GET YOUR HUNKY BUTT OVER HERE NOOOW!"
SLAM! SHHHHHLLLAAAAAACCK! BOOOOOMMF!
Smoke filled the room. I couldn't tell if was the rocket ship or my bad mood. All I knew is that it was pre-tty smokey.
"ACK!" I gagged, slamming my head back against bed. (Maybe the helmet wasn t such a bad idea...)
That is, until Adrian entered the bedroom. Last night's vomit had been combed out of his hair and he was dressed in his sexy blue jumpsuit, flashing me that sinful grin. Yowza.
That's when I realised how I looked. There I was, hanging off the ground on the wall (oh yeah, that's how space-beds are) in nothing but bloomers and my cowboy boots, curls sticking out from underneath the dorky helmet that stupid robot made me wear.
"Um, Cupcake?" he said nervously.
Ah, so that WASN T a smile. I now saw his teeth were clenched! Ha..! Uh-oh.
"Adrian?" I asked in my sweet little voice. "GET ME DOWN!"
He looked off to side and twiddled his fingers. "Actually, I probably shouldn t do that..."
My throat burned angrily. Whoah, boy! "WHY NOT?"
" We've... We ve had a minor accident." His eyes darted at me, then away again. And for a playboy like himself to be that jumpy, it had to be pretty bad.
My eyes widened. "What? What happened?"
"It seems we've crashed." He paused. "Methinks the coordinates I typed into the computer were a wee bit off..."
I groaned. Still dangling from the wall, mind you.
"Great. Now what am I going to tell my folks when I get home? That I was sleep walking? Or doing something innocent, like setting squirrels on fire?" I folded my arms. I m sure my eyes were glowing red by now. "Noooo! The town's going t' put another leash law on me because Princess Cupcake is a big hussie!"
I started to cry. "And an arsonist! WAH!"
"Uh, Cuppy..?"
"I can see it now - the Banana Times right at the gate as they catch me sneaking back into the palace!"
"Cupcake!" Adrian had me by the shoulders - a pretty brave thing to do for a guy that knew I breathed fire!
I looked him in his dazzling eyes. "Mmmm... sexy."
"You need to help me move the ship, and quickly!" he said. "We re closer to home than you may realise!"
He stepped back to draw back the space-curtain from the window... And I just about DIED.
"Oh goodie" I muttered. "We're home."
Chapter Two: Grand Theft Space... Thingy
Adrian slammed the RELEASE button next to the bed and I dropped down to the floor. "BAH!" I said, taking off my helmet as I kneeled on sore knees. "You IDIOT! You crashed into the CASTLE!"
Adrian's Space RV had smashed through the wall of Papa's private study, home to all his maps, books, and literary work. And now, thanks to my stupid BOYFRIEND, it had all gone kablooie.
He stepped back from me. "Now... Now calm down, Cupcake... I told you, it was a simple mistake!" Adrian backed into the wall. "C mon, now! I was exhausted when I set the machines." He gave a wink. "You know why."
I rolled my eyes - his Illusionus Romantus genetics weren't going to save him now! I stood up, hands on my hips, trying to look as ferocious as I could whilst standing around in my underwear.
"No! You are not gonna trick me this time, luvah-boy!" I stepped forward, now face to face. "And I am not standing around waiting for my ma to strangle to me again, either!" That's when I reached into his pocket and grabbed the keys.
"I don t know about you, but I m outta here!"
BLUDDY HELL! came a shout from outside. General Baxter had apparently summoned the army. There were several more heavy footsteps a-comin' too. And then I heard it.
"GOOD GOD!" came that oh-so familiar voice, one that had scolded me plenty of times before, and that would certainly blab my ear off the moment he yanked me out of that spaceship. Adrian and I looked at each other. Dad would surely have his head for this! And I don t just mean the driving-a-spaceship-through-the-wall part. There s also the what-have-you-done-to-my-eleven-year-old-daughter part too!
(Yeah... I'm, uh, only eleven. But it's not as bad as it sounds. There's the whole mutant-thing that makes me grow really fast... I look about eighteen-ish or something, though mom says I have the brain of turnip. I guess that means my noggin's behind the rest o' me. But anyhoo...)
Yep. That's my dad, the great King Jose Cuervo. Although I guess he really isn't so great , being notorious for his lady s swoon...
"Sire!" cried Baxter. "Catch him! He's going down!"
THUD.
"Er... Nevermind."
"Aw, great."
I could just picture it now, my mom standing over my unconscious father, a bottle of tequila in one hand and baby Velveeta in the other. "If you all will excuse me, I'm goin' to the royal bar" she slurred. "Yer majesty needs a drink..."
I turned back to Adrain. "Okay, he's out" I whispered, "that buys me time." And that s when I grabbed him by the shoulders and planted one on him!
"Toodles, hunkaroo!"
I grabbed my hat and ran for it, back to the cargo bay where he kept the booze and some other junk. I think that's when Adrian realised that I still had his keys, because it took him a moment to start after me.
"Cupcake!" he hissed. "What in Zoblar's name are you doing?"
As I burst through the doors, I spied myself a space-scooter. Which was pretty much a flying armchair. I looked over my shoulder as the man-babe caught up with me.
"Shit!" I fumbled though the keys, pressing all the electro-whatever buttons in hope that one would start up the SpaceyBoy.
FVRROOOOM!
"BINGO!" I hollered, throwing my hands into the air. The glass dome roof to the thingy opened and I hopped inside. With one hand on my hat, just like my mama taught me!
The dome shut over me and Adrian mushed his face against the glass.
"No! No, no, no!" he growled frantically as I looked at all the buttons. "Cupcake, get out of there RIGHT NOW! You have no idea what you re doing!"
I ignored his blubbering. There was row one of buttons that were especially neat-o. Neon orange, pink, and green... Oh, which to press first!
"Cupcake, this vehicle runs on uranium."
"Can't talk..." I muttered "...busy."
"DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT RADIATION IS?"
"Uh... pink!" I said, pressing my dainty finger down on the, well, pink button.
"OPENING HATCHWAY" said the RV. Adrian practically ripped the hair out of his head. I felt my SpaceyBoy's engine start up as an eerie green glow came over said space-scooter.
"What about your daughter!" my boyfriend continued. "Who'll take care of Honeybun?"
I gave a shrug. "Odin, I guess. Or maybe Bananas..."
"A MONKEY?" Then he shook his head. "WHAT ABOUT ME? YOU RE JUST GOING TO LEAVE ME HERE TO BE THROWN IN JAIL BY YOUR FATHER?"
Speak of the devil: "CUPCAKE!"
... Which would be my cue to exit! I saluted Adrian as the wheels began to roll.
"SIANARA, SUCKAS!"
And thus began my adventure, my grand escape from being grounded!