Tough Luck

A Buffy Parody

Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy are not mine, sadly. They belong to the good people at Fox, the WB, UPN and of course the God of all things Buffy, Joss Whedon.

Spoilers: For everything known about season six.

Rating: PG-13

Inspired by: Once More With Bitterness. I know I can't compare to that masterpiece, but hopefully this will amuse anyway. Bonus points to those those who recognize the line I snagged from "Assassins."

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Tara: Hey honey, wanna get with the smooches and hot lesbian loving?

Willow: Are you sure? I mean we've never had anything more than implied sex before.

Tara: You're forgetting when you went down on me in Once More With Feeling.

Willow: Yeah, but even then the camera was angled so that you couldn't really see what I was doing. What's with the sudden change?

Tara: Well Spike and Buffy knocked down a house and got it on in a variety of public places. I guess the writers figured that they could boost ratings further by showing a little girl on girl action.

Willow: Not complaining here!

[Willow and Tara get with the lesbian loving. Kitties across the globe rejoice.]

Willow: [calling out in orgasmic bliss] Thank the goddesses for UPN!

[For a general idea of the goings on check out the Fun With Friction series by Wiccie at Extra Flamey]

[The lovemaking ends and our girls cuddle. Even non-kittens let out a big "awwwwww" at the sweetness of it all.]

Tara: Honey, I'm gonna go get a glass of water, ok?

[She stands up and is hit by a stray bullet.]

Warren: [From outside] Shit, I shot it!

Tara: But … I thought I was one of your favorite characters Joss!

Joss: [In director's chair] Sorry kiddo, but a break from all the angst might cheer up the fans for a nanosecond, and we can't have that. You gotta go.

Tara: At least I can still sign autographs at conventions.

[She dies. Every kitten gets extremely pissed, and they're not the only ones.]

Willow: What the fuck?!

[Willow goes to the magic shop and absorbs dark magic. Her hair and eyes and everything turn black. Kitties cringe with fear about what is happening to one of their favorite characters, but secretly admit that she does look pretty damned hot when she's being bad.]

Joss: [Directing] Now Black Magic Willow goes after the bad guy.

Willow: Ok.

[She zaps Joss a la the Emperor in Return of the Jedi. He shrieks with pain.]

Joss: Warren! I meant Warren! You go after Warren!

Willow: I don't think so. After all you're the one who did this to me.

Marti: [Popping her head around the corner] Actually, he was really busy with Firefly so I sort of took over the show.

Willow: Shut up you!

[BM Willow vaporizes Marti Noxon. Surprisingly, no one is particularly sad.]

Willow: You ruined my life. You hook me up with a demonic murdering robot, a werewolf who tries to eat me, leaves me and then returns and tries to eat my girlfriend, and then you randomly kill off my one true love that I painstakingly saved from the brain-sucking bitch AND I'M SUPPOSED TO JUST FORGET ABOUT IT?

Joss: Well, I was hoping that the whole growing up theme would make you realize that killing me is hardly the way to –

[BM Willow zaps him again.]

Joss: Alter ego come here and help me!

Xander: [Entering.] Willow, you don't want to do this.

Willow: Want to bet?

Xander: Violence doesn't solve anything. Ending our world won't make things any better. If you could just focus on the positive for a second . . .

Willow: He turned your girlfriend into a veiny demon and had her sleep with the guy you hate more than anything else in the world.

Xander: Good point. So how can I help you Will?

Joss: But I was going to make you Super Xander.

Xander: Riiiiigggghhhhhttttttt.

Joss: Crap! [Tries to think of someone else to call on for help.] Buffy!

Buffy: [Yells back from her dressing room.] You've screwed me over too, you know.

Joss: Spike?

Xander: He's in Africa.

Joss: Dawn?

Willow: If it's not all about her then I doubt she's interested.

Joss: Clem?

Clem: [Poking head in the door.] You still owe me ten kittens from our last poker game!

Willow: [Muttering to self.] So that's what happened. And all this time I just thought Miss Kitty Fantastico had run away.

Joss: Is there anything I can do to convince you not to kill me?

Willow: A reset/reversal does come to mind.

Joss: But that's just so cheesy.

Willow: So are ill-placed lesbian clichés. You made your bed, now you have to lie in it.

Joss: Ok, ok. It's all reversed. Tara's back. Xander and Anya get married. Spuffy has not been completely ruled out.

[The kittens' cries of joy can be heard far and wide. X/A shippers and B/S shippers are mighty happy too. Clem/Buffy shippers silently wait for their day to arrive.]

Joss: At least I'm still alive, but what am I going to tell the fans? I promised them a Big Scooby Death!

Xander: Well, one solution does spring to mind.

[He whispers something into Joss's ear.]

Joss: Done!

[Elsewhere in Sunnydale a large bolder falls on Dawn, killing her instantly. Once more, no one is particularly sad.]

Dawn: [With her dying breathe.] I guess it's off to Harriet The Spy 2 for me.

[Tara and Willow kiss and all is good.]

The End