This is going to be an insanely short real world oc drops into fictional world story. I'm thinking likely no longer than another two chapters. The idea poppedl into my head because Hades makes way too many pop-culture/not-so-ancient references in the movie. (Disclaimer: I do not own any Disney associated characters and make no profit from this work.)
—
A blonde haired woman plopped onto the grey carpeted ground of her living room floor, opened the Netflix app on her television set, and put on Hercules. She ran about the house doing chores and the like as the sound played in the background. She wanted to clean and bring her house back into some semblance of order. The television turned off midway through vacuuming. Emily groaned and moved into the room to turn the television back on and returned to her chores.
She grabbed her phone to check her text messages and social media accounts, hurriedly scrolling through inane post after the other. Emily sighed looking casually at the movie. The goat scene was getting boring. She grabbed her cordless headphones to listen to a song as she started on the stacked dishes in her sink.
The television went black again. This time she was prepared and used the remote in her hand to point at the television and restore the movie to the screen. The movie was back at the beginning and now the screen was glowing blue and humming dully. "Shit. Did I break it?" Emily held her breath as she approached the monitor.
She tapped at the glass and lurched away as a spark flew from the screen. "Shit. Definitely broke it." She sighed and was about to unplug the device when the screen started to spark and glow more viciously. Her first instincts were to try to yank the plug out from the socket, but in her rush her hand pressed against the glass and through the screen into something damp.
She blinked and gasped as she lost balance and fell through her T.V. set. She was no longer in her home. She looked around. The terrain surrounding her was desolate. Everything around her looked bleak. Where the fuck was she?
Her next thoughts were a logical retracing of her previous steps. She was in her living room when her television started malfunctioning. Now, she was elsewhere and that elsewhere was damp and dark. She was no longer indoors and there was no one else nearby. "Where the fuck am I?"
She tried to reason away the ominous feelings until she turned around and noticed a large skull shaped building looming on the horizon. She recognized the building immediately. It was not possible. Then she came to the most important realization. She was either dreaming or was currently unconscious in her living room from the inhalation of the fumes coming from her spastic television set. She blithely hoped she did not wake up with brain damage.
She noticed the river below and jumped back from the shore line. There were bodies floating and moving alongside the river's current. The bodies were bloated and their skin sagged against bone. "Oh god."
Then she heard a noise like a splash. She looked across the river and saw a man in a boat slowly rowing towards her. She did not know why she bothered to conceal her presence amongst an outcropping of rocks along the sides of the river. This was her dream. There was no reason to be afraid. However, as the thin man in the boat came closer, her self-preservation instincts buzzed. She shivered as she realized the man was a skeleton. He surveyed the entire shoreline before exiting the boat.
He paced across the shore and each time he changed directions he walked closer to her position. Emily felt her heart race. His bones scraped together each time he moved. The movements sounded like pieces of chalk rubbing against a blackboard. He was going to find her if he paced any closer to her hiding spot.
Then the skeleton man stopped pacing and settled against a rock and stared at the horizon. She paused and looked carefully at the oar he had placed at his side and the tethered boat bobbing in the water. She wondered how she was going to get across the river without his notice. She stayed still barely breathing for a great while until she heard a loud gurgling sound come from the skeleton man. Emily's eyes widened.
The skeleton was snoring. She wondered if he was asleep. He had only empty black sockets instead of eyelids so she was unable to say for certain whether or not he was asleep. However, since the events so far were clearly just the creation of a dream, she decided to act boldly. She tiptoed out of her hiding crevice and slowly moved towards the bone man. She reached first for his oar and picked up the solid wooden object as soundlessly as possible. The item was absurdly unwieldy to carry but with cautious steps she managed. Then she crouched awkwardly holding the oar horizontally at her side to unhitch the boat from its tether. She barely had time to react as the boat immediately began moving with the flow of the water.
Emily rushed forward and pulled herself into the boat. She felt a hand grab at her ankle and looked down to see a crying woman with her translucent arms wrapped firmly against the heel of Emily's shoe. Emily nearly screamed but stifled the sound by biting her lip. She reached for the oar and attempted to bat away the spirit but was shocked when the oar went through the spirit's head. The grip grew tighter until a dull pain flared in her ankle. Emily gasped and kicked off her sneaker allowing the shoe to plop into the river along with the ghoul. "Just row the boat and do not touch the water." She muttered the words in a whispered mantra.
She grinned when the boat touched the shore until she heard the sound of scrambling feet and panicked voices.
"Boss! Boss!" A pink round figure rushed down the stairs, tumbling down half of the steps. The other teal taller figure scrambled up and down the steps at a frenzied pace as if uncertain of which direction to head towards.
Emily did not know why she went to hide behind the staircase or why she threw the oar into the water in her rush to hide. She was just glad she was quick enough to avoid being seen.
"Boss?" The short creatures questioned in unison looking at the boat with suspicion. "Charon's not here but his oar is." The teal creature was the first to hop into the boat and attempt to retrieve the floating oar while the pink creature batted away the hands of the dead souls clinging hopelessly to the oar.
"Bet he fell asleep on the job again." The pink creature loused.
"We better get the boat back. If boss can't cross he'll be cross." The teal creature began to manically chew at his claws.
Emily looked at the creatures carefully, unable to remember their names. She hoped they started rowing the boat in the other direction soon as her muscles were starting to ache from standing still in a crouched position for far longer than she would expect her dream to demand.
Finally, the creatures started to row the boat back in the direction she had come. The teal creature stood on the shoulders of the pink circular one with the oar held in both their tiny claws.
Emily stood, stretching her arms and legs straight, snapping several joints out from their stiff position. She immediately raced up the staircase hoping to reach the top before anyone noticed her climbing the stairway to Hades's personal gothic cathedral. She felt winded after the first two rungs of the stairwell and could feel her calf muscles twitching on the fifth rung. After trying to run up thirteen flights of stairs she could barely walk as she entered the top floor. She entered a room that likely served as the skull cavity portion of the building she had viewed from shore. At least now she could look out through the eyeholes of the building.
She decided her best option in her current situation was to wait until she could see Hades on his way into the Underworld through the river. Then she'd need to find a place to hide. She felt nervous opening any doors in the spooky palace, but she would need to hide somewhere that was not inside Hades's war room.
—
"The Fates are coming! You can't sleep on the job." Panic hopped from the boat in a teal blur and immediately landed on Charon only to shake the bone man awake.
"So, look alive lazybones." Pain grabbed the oar and rapped the wood against Charon's white skull.
Charon rubbed his head saying nothing. He stood and held his hand out for the oar. He rapped both the creatures against the head in quick succession before calmly walking towards his boat, wading through the waters and stepping back into the craft.
Pain and Panic rubbed their now tender skulls and began to hiss at Charon.
"Enough squabbling. We are here to see Hades." Three women wearing black cloaks approached Charon. Their flesh was mottled with decay and rot. In the hands of the shortest of the women was an eye. Charon said nothing and pulled the boat fully onto the sand and gestured for the women to come aboard. After the women entered the craft, Charon began to row away from the shoreline.
"Wait. Don't leave us! We are supposed to escort them up!" Pain and Panic rushed to hop into the boat and barely avoided the souls clinging to the river's waters.
—-
Emily groaned as she looked through the eyeholes of the building to see that the boat was back on the water and fast approaching. "Ok. Need to find a hiding place now." She groaned as she passed a black door elaborately decorated with the Greek key, etched inscriptions, and carvings of what she thought looked suspiciously like Hades. Although it was hard to tell as the picture had no real detail besides a general outline of the villain.
"If I go in there and he catches me, dream-me is going to die." She could hear the sounds of voices coming closer. She was surprised they had gotten up the staircase so quickly, but their approach made her decision easy. She pulled the door open without hesitation and closed the door just as quick.
The room was simply decorated. While the bed frame was carved from marble, the bed itself was dressed with simple charcoal grey covers and several furs. The surrounding area was open and sparsely furnished. Inside the space was a desk stacked high with papers. On the sides of the marble bed weere two empty bedside tables. A lounging couch sat on the outskirts of the room against a grey wall. The couch was decorated with many stacked black pillows. A locked trunk was placed at foot of the bed. There was a changing screen blocking off an adjoining room. Inside there were several chitons of exactly the same make and dark color as Hades's own chiton. On the shelves of the closet were glass cases of neat rows of jewled brooches. Most of the pins were shaped like skulls, but some were obscenely detailed, etched in gold, and garnished with rubies and emeralds. In the back of the closet, perched on an ottoman, sat a black helmet covered with dust. The dull black helmet looked out of place in the presence of the other glistening pieces.
She decided to sit in the closet and listen for Hades to pass by the room. The guy liked to talk, so the odds were in her favor she would hear him pass by the room before he entered his room or went into the war room. She would eventually need to switch her hiding place and move under the bed as he would likely need to change his robes at some point in the day.
After what felt like hours, Emily heard an angry voice pass through the heavy door.
"I told you to let me know." Hades paused trying to calm his temper. "The second." His body flared with uncontrollable flames which burned red across his body. He breathed in short huffs looking at his terrified minions. "The fates get here. You know they don't stay in one place for very long."
"If they are not here because you imps made them wait too long I am going to roast you on a spit." Hades controlled his temper and made the threat under his breath. He needed to keep the Fates happy so he could get the future hag to tell him the odds on his plans. If the Fates sat waiting too long they got cranky. Cranky Fates would tell him bupkiss.
"What's a spit boss?" The pink minion raised his hand to tug at his master's robe.
In Hades's hands a blue fire ball formed. "Run. Just run." He needed to get these idiots away from him before he lost his temper around the Fates and killed their already tenuous deal.
—
Emily pulled herself out the closet and underneath the bed. She had grabbed one of the pillows from the lounge couch to carry under with her. She was not going to sit around in her dream uncomfortably and decided Hades was not going to miss one of his many pillows. There were at least nine pillows stacked on the couch, so she doubted he would notice.
She fell asleep under his bed and thought it was strange to sleep during a dream but did not linger on the thought as she could hear Hades's voice from inside the room.
"An eighteen year plan in the making and what do they give me? A maybe. Maybe you rule. Maybe Zeus's baby brat joins the club and ruins everything." Emily felt Hades sit on his bed and held her breath.
Emily could not see much besides Hades's smoky robes floating under the bed. She was relived when Hades lifted himself from the bed to pace about his room.
Hades began thinking. He would need to find a way to stop Hercules permanently. Hades levitated above his lounge couch and settled into the familiar pillows. Something felt different. He couldn't place the feeling exactly and then it hit him.
"Pain! Panic!" Hades raised his voice to a shout.
The minions rushed into his room saluting the death god. "Yes your firey-ness!"
Hades turned around slowly, purposefully allowing his shadow to loom viciously over the two short-stacks. "Who was it?"
"Who?" Panic looked uncertainly between Pain and Hades.
"Who," Hades rose his voice to empasize the word. "took the pillow?" The rest of the sentence floated on the border between patient and annoyed. "See, this is my room," Hades gestured dramatically about the room with his hand shifting into a smoky tendrals to grab both of the minions, "and I know exactly where everything is in my room." Hades looked both of the shaking creatures in the eye and let his control over his temper slip.
Emily clutched the pillow in her hands in a vice grip as she felt the temperature of the room rise. Hades was mad over a missing pillow. She couldn't imagine how mad he would be if she had decided to take one of his brooches. He would probably fly off the handle and burn his own room down to ash.
"Maybe it was a mortal." Panic wispered the words only hoping to get Hades to let go of his now burning flesh.
"Yeah! Mortals are always trying to sneak in the Underworld. Just last week Cerberus ate two of them." Pain tried to pry Hades burning fingers from his head.
"Eureka! Boys, I have an idea." Hades smiled with his jagged teeth poking through his lips. The god motioned for his minions to follow him out from his room. "Boys, we are going to make Hercules mortal."
"How are we going to do that boss?" Those were the last words Emily heard before Hades left the room. Emily rolled out from under the bed to stretch her arms and legs. The button on her shorts had started to dig into her stomach and it was getting uncomfortable to lay on her stomach. She dusted off her shirt to flick away some of the dirt which the fabric had collected from the floor.
—
That night, after Hades returned to his room, Emily could only smell burning tobacco, smoke, and alcohol. Hades spent the entire night smoking cigars, and sipping scotch at his desk. He was humming a dirge as he read through contract after contract, carefully noting loopholes for him to use should events go south and tightening the language of his own contracts to ensure the other party was sure to perform.
Emily was getting sick from the heavy cigar smoke and was torn between vomiting and coughing. Emily buried her head into the pillow hoping to pull away any semblance of clean air from the plush object. She did not begin to truly panic until the hours drew on and still Hades sat smoking and drinking at his desk. It was becoming clear Hades was not planning to go rest any time soon.
Emily's eyes were burning from the smoke and her head ached painfully. She took one shallow breath and exhaled giving an involuntary cough. Her body froze. She heard Hades snap his pen down against the wood of his desk and the swipe of his chair against the hard marble floor.
Her heartbeat rushed. He definitely heard her. Emily closed her eyes thinking Hades might not find her under his bed.
She opened her eyes and did not see the bottom of Hades's chiton anywhere in the room. Was he gone?
"Boo." Hades was on top of his bed peering down at the little mortal. His yellow eyes gleamed in the darkness and his fiery blue hair illuminated rows of sharp teeth.
Emily screamed immediately and tried to scramble out from under the bed in the other direction.
"Woah." Hades sent his hands underneath the bed as smoke tendrils. "Woah." The hands locked onto her ankles and began dragging the girl out from her hiding spot. "Not so fast." His hands were wrapped several times around her as an unbreakable smoke chain. "Babe, introductions please." He was in a better mood than most days. Usually, he would have flambayed first and question the newly acquired soul second. Today he would humor the mortal thief's cleverness at making it this far into his domain and then he would torment the sap until he got bored.
"Huh-hi." She stumbled across her words. "I'm Emily."
"Hi Hades. Lord of the dead. Now explain. Why are you in my room?" Hades made the introduction short. Every mortal knew exactly who he was, what he did, and most importantly what happened if they wandered into his domain. The mortal he was holding was wearing clothes that were immodest for a woman. He wondered if fashions were changing again in the above world. She was showing arms and legs in what looked to be a sown through bottom toga topped with a strange covering for her chest. Her clothes looked bizarre to him.
She just stood there taking in Hades's height, his flaming blue hair, and sharp teeth with growing terror.
"Listen Em, babe, you want to go into my room you better have a good reason to be there." Hades let his arms reform into proper tangible appendages. He lifted his hand to grab at the girl's cheek. He inspected the woman's face and found her more attractive than some of his more eager bedfellows.
"I do. I needed to see you." She swallowed the words carefully. She had no idea what she was saying, but she knew that speaking to Hades directly would buy her some time to figure out the rest.
"Babe, there is only one good reason for a babe like you to be in my room." Hades looked her body up and down with mild interest. He was in the mood for the activity and he would not mind foregoing the usual punishment schitck. "If you're stumped I'd be happy to give you a hint." Hades wriggled his eyebrows suggestively. He was in a good mood and since the proper stimulus was present there was no real point in wasting the opportunity.
"Not interested. Very not interested." The words came out immediately. She barely had enough time to register Hades's shift in temperature before she felt her skin start to sear.
"Watch it!" Hades lost his temper immediately and flared up hot in close range of the mortal. "You need a refresher course on how to properly address a god." He growled out the words and did not bother to consider the consequence of his temper as he grabbed her burned arm to hold her at close proximity.
Emily stared at Hades's hand on her arm in shock. His touch hurt. Dreams never hurt this bad. She was not dreaming. This was real. At the realization she felt a wave of refreshing terror crash through her chest.
"All right, I get it. You are not here for the fun stuff. So, tell me what are you mortals trying to steal from me this time?" Hades was barely able to calm his temper. Always they said no, when they themselves had the audacity to trespass into his realm, his own personal quarters without respect, always whining over the injustice of death.
"Gold, jewels, long-lost loved one's soul?" He started to list the items with a bored expression. He had seen every tale and every turnout. He was sick of sending mortals home from his realm with half-assed happy endings. They came in wanting back their loved ones never knowing just how rotten the guy had been in their lifetime. They yelled, screamed, begged, and he was the bad guy for saying no. In the beginning he used to be polite, go through the motions, but now he just went straight for the fire and smoke.
"I'm not dreaming. Oh, my god. You are real." Emily touched Hades's arm and was shocked to feel warmth.
"My god. I like the sound of that babe." Hades grinned but reconsidered his train of thought. She said no and he might as well hold her to the statement. "But the moods been effectively killed." He rubbed a hand through his flickering blue hair. "I really don't take rejection well. So, I'm just going to throw you into the Tartarus pit for theft, trespass, ecetra, ecetra. " He grinned and pulled the girl up by her burned arm and into one of his arms.
"I did not steal anything from you." She leaned away from the blue flames burning atop his head afraid her hair would catch fire.
"Then where, oh where, did my pillow walk off to?" No one stole from Hades without there being serious consequences on the line. He knew now who took his pillow and although its theft did little to move his temper, he did have an image to keep up.
"Under the bed." She pointed underneath the bed and tried not to squirm in Hades's grip.
"See. First you steal my pillow. Then you steal my gold in my sleep. I'm just saving us the pain of the he said she said routine." He knew the usual schticks. Thieves always denied the theft at first until the evidence piled up and up. She might not have stolen anything today, but she would have if he gave her enough time.
"I was never going to take any of your pretty brooches or that dusty helmet!" Emily held her hands against his arm hoping to stabilize her position as he began moving to exit from his room.
"How do you know about the helmet?" Hades paused. Mortals should not be able to see his helmet.
"I saw it in your closet." She noticed his pause and hoped the change indicated he would put her back onto the floor.
"That helmet cannot be seen by the mortal eye." Hades looked over her form more carefully. Was she a demi-god?
"Well, I'm as mortal as it gets." She relaxed as he put her back onto the ground only to tense as she felt Hades shadow loom over her.
"You do know the only real way to prove it is to die right?" Hades grinned showing off his overly sharp teeth and letting a blue fireball form into his hand.
Emily's eyes went wide and the heat coming from the fire made her brow sweat. "Please don't." She could not die in this world. She needed to say something that would make Hades reconsider.
Hades smiled. "We really could have had a good time. Oh well. See you in the after life." The blue fireball grew larger in his hand.
"Wait! Your plan is going to fail!" She screamed the statement and was relieved when the flame ball shrunk in size.
"Already taken care of that particular detail." Hades tossed the flame ball up and down in his hands casually, but his eyes were narrowed. She could have overheard his conversations and was just blindly grasping at straws.
"What about Hercules?" She tried to get more specific.
"Dead as a doornail." Hades tossed the ball up and down without care. She did not have any information of value. He should just smite the little chit for daring to question a god.
"You sure about that?" The flame ball wavered in his hand for the briefest second.
"What do you mean?" Hades let the flames in his hand dissipate to fold his hands together in contemplation. The imps has taken the brat, made him mortal, and killed the infant. His minions were idiots, but even they knew what death looked like.
"I mean if Hercules is really dead why not check. You know, make sure his soul is in your catalogue." She felt her heart clench as she saw Hades considering her point.
Hades looked her over and placed a hand onto his chin. "You know what, that is not so bad an idea." Hades turned away with his smokey chiton billowing across the floor and opened his trunk to retrieve a crystal ball. "Been awhile since I've done inventory. Usually give the job out to some sap as punishment." His glowing yellow eyes looked over the blonde maliciously.
Hades sat still staring into the crystal with an intense look on his face. The crystal ball began to float into the air and Hades touched his long blue fingers across the surface. "The ball says he's not in stock." Hades began to change shades. His skin tone was creeping towards his infamous red hue.
Emily moved away cautiously. She was not getting burned again.
"I'm going to kill those little twerps!" He went up in flames and the crystal ball melted in his hands and puddled onto the floor.
"I've seen the future Hades. Hercules is still alive and he will defeat you in eighteen years." Emily hoped her statement was enough to get Hades to reconsider throwing her into Tartarus.
"Hercules is alive! I am going to roast those minions alive." Emily knew better than to touch him while he was out of control and red. She waited for his skin to return to its blue hue before touching him lightly across the arm. "A seer huh?" He looked at the hand touching his arm with growing interest. He could use this to his advantage.
"I can tell you how to win. I just need your help getting home. I want to make a deal." Emily held out her hand in hopes that Hades would immediately shake it.
Hades pulled away eyes narrowed at her offer. "New offer. I don't kill you and you tell me everything you know."
"All I'm asking in return for this information is that you help me find a way home. I'm not supposed to be here." She did not dare say where her home was located. He would likely think her insane if she told him he was a beloved children's cartoon character.
"I know. You are clearly not dead. But that I can always change." Hades smiled fiendishly, yellow eyes glowing in the gloomy light.
"Please Hades! I need to get back home and we both know you are the only god smart enough to help me." She could not believe she was resorting to flattery. She clung to the dyed woolen fabric Hades wore. She looked with supplication at the death god and noticed his temperature cooled slightly.
Hades grinned basking in the compliment. He shrugged off the hands entwined in his robes with a shrug. "Hands off." He did not like it when women touched him before they entered into a contract with him. The touches could get distracting and lure him into making a bad deal. "Alright, I will help you get home but you stay here in the Underworld until my plan comes to fruition."
"But that will be in eighteen years!" She was not staying trapped in a movie for eighteen years.
"And?" Hades dared the girl to make another outburst.
"I don't want to go back home as an old lady!" Emily posed her hands at her waste and looked contemptuously at the death god.
"Not my problem." Hades rolled his eyes. Mortals were too touchy about their youth. They all eventually ended up in the same place and he had the unwanted privilege to act as their appointed judge. Mortals all looked about the same in the end.
"Hades! I know you have the power to fix this. I'm not asking for eternal youth. I just want to go back home as soon as possible." She was not coming home well into her forty's. Her apartment and belongings would likely be gone and her family and friends would no longer recognize her.
"My soon as possible is looking to be in another eighteen years." Hades did not care about the qualms of a mortal. He needed to get out of the Underworld. He was done doing everything his little brother stuck him with and getting zero appreciation for his efforts.
"I'm offering to help you. Please Hades." She noticed her outbursts were making Hades less cooperative. She remembered that touching his tunic had made him bend and decided to change tactics. She lightly brushed her hand across his bony fingers, looking him in the eye as her fingers brushed his.
"Alright. Final offer. You tell me everything you know. I get you home. You help me to sucessfully off Hercules you get to go home sooner. Deal?" Hades felt her fingers against his and foolishly enjoyed the contact. He rarely met babes bold enough to touch his persons without fear or revulsion. The contact felt nice and he saw no harm in being slightly more generous with his offer.
"Deal." She clasped his hand and felt the life drain from her. Emily began to choke and cough. The feeling was worse than how the cigar smoke had made her feel.
"Side effects of selling your soul include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, headache, sudden shortness of breath, and may also include death." Hades smiled at his own joke and held up the girls crumpling form up by their joined hands.
"Death?" Emily barely got the question out before gagging on the surrounding air.
"Don't worry about it. Just hold up your end of the bargain and we won't go there." Hades swished his hand at Emily as though the concept of death was some banal noncommittal event. Hades was pleased to see Emily nod and stay silent.