Erin woke up and nuzzled her face closer into Jay's neck and let out a content sigh as she still felt his hand pressed gently to her stomach. A smile appeared on her face when she remembered what happened last night.
She was standing on that bridge, admiring Chicago and its lights and trying to convince herself that leaving for FBI was good for her. That she could start over in New York. That, like Voight said, she shouldn't look back. That's when her phone rang. She pulled it out of her pocket and looked at the screen. Ugh. Of course she couldn't leave. Of course she couldn't not look back and the name flashing on that screen proved that. She pressed the off button and looked at the city again. Then she turned around and walked back to her car. When she got behind the steering wheel, she couldn't hold it in any longer. A few tears slipped down her face and this time she let them. This time, she didn't wipe them of with the back of her hand or with the end of her sleeve. Or like she did for the past few weeks, she didn't wipe them with a sleeve of one of Jay's dress shirts or hoodies and tell herself she's being stupid and tried not to cry again.
This time, she let the tears fall and sobbed quietly. She needed to see him. At least to say goodbye. And to… should she tell him? It's his, after all.
She slowly drove to Will's place, thinking about what she's gonna say. Is he going to be mad at her? Is he going to be happy to see her go? He left her in the first place, anyways.
She took the elevator because she was not in the mood to walk the stairs and if she would, she'd probably change her mind on the half way up and she didn't want that. She didn't want to give herself an option to think too much.
As she reached the apartment, she knocked a few times. There was no answer. She leaned her back against the door, slowly sliding down and sitting on the floor. Of course they're not here. Even she agreed that they're going to meet at Molly's, all of them. Did she really think he'd come here and wait for her to show up after she didn't pick up her phone? Yeah right.
She decided to wait for him to come. She didn't have the energy to drive to Molly's, plus she couldn't let everyone see her like that. A crying mess that she was.
She didn't know how long she was sitting there, when a familiar voice called her name.
"Erin?" she looked up and it was Will standing in front of her.
She stood up and didn't want to look him in the eyes – she didn't want to let him know she was crying. "I'm sorry to be here, I, I'll just get going." She muttered and wanted to walk away.
Will wanted to say something . Something to let her know that Jay was safe. Something to let her know it's gonna be alright. Anything. But when he opened his mouth, the elevator door already closed behind her.
She regretted coming here. Will shouldn't see her like this.
She drove back to her place, already thinking about taking the first flight to New York possible. She could come back to get all of her stuff later. She just needed to get out of here and forget about her job. About Bunny. About Jay. But how in the world is she going to do that, when he owned her whole heart and she was about to have his kid?
She found out just a couple of days after he left, and she wanted to tell him, she really did, but never found the perfect moment. And now when the job offer came along, she was actually thinking about not telling him. But could she do that to him?
Of course not. She convinced herself that he needs to know, and even tho she wouldn't admit it to anyone, let alone herself, she hoped that he'd convince her to stay.
She walked up the stairs of her building, still deep in her thoughts. When she reached her apartment, her eyes widened and her breath caught. Jay was sitting in front of her door, just like she was sitting in front of Will's half an hour ago.
Their eyes met and a tear rolled down Jay's cheek. Erin's heart – well, what was left of it – broke at the sight.
"I thought you were asleep." He said after a few moments of silence.
"I thought you were still at Molly's when Will came home without you." She said just above the whisper.
"You went to Will's place?"
"To find you, yeah, but you weren't there."
"I wanted to see you." He said.
"I wanted to say goodbye." She admitted.
"Goodbye?" he stood up on his feet, having no idea what she was talking about.
"Jay, I… why don't you come inside?"
He just nodded with a worried look on her face. She avoided any eye contact when she was unlocking the door, even tho he wouldn't move his gaze away from her.
"Are you hungry?" she asked. She knew she was.
"Didn't we agree to talk?"
"Yeah, but I'm also asking you if you're hungry."
"What did you have in mind?" Jay asked, giving up on his attempt to get her to talk to him.
"We could order a pizza or something." She shrugged her shoulders.
"Sure, sounds good to me."
She called their favorite pizza place and then she joined him on the couch.
"Here, " she said, handing him a beer.
"Thanks." He took the beer from her and then a confused look appeared on his face "Won't you have one, too?"
"Um, nah, I'm good." She forced a smile that disappeared quickly.
Why was she turning down drinks lately? "So, um, what did you think by 'wanting to say goodbye'?"
"Um, so, as you know, I got suspended." She stopped, waiting for him to say anything.
He just nodded slowly.
"And I got a job offer from FBI. Voight said that they've been reaching out for me for a while now but he was turning them down. But now this thing with Bunny got complicated and I practically lost my job, so he told them to find me and offer me the job."
"And?" Jay asked. She saw something in his eyes, something similar to fear.
"I said I'll take it if they let Bunny go." She said quietly.
"Well, that's great, right?" he said with a smile.
"Jay, the job's in New York." She looked down. She couldn't look him in the eye.
His smile slowly faded as he processed what she just told him. "What?" he whispered.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." She whispered back.
"But, … what about, … what about Hank? And everyone from Intelligence? And me? And us?" he asked with tears in his eyes.
"I'm sorry to say this, but I think you're the one that walked away from us." She looked out the window, still not being able to look at him.
"I screwed up, I know, but I only did it to protect you. I didn't want you to hurt because of me." Jay explained.
"What happened to having each other's back, partner? What happened to always be there for each other, no matter what? What happened to our I love yous and forevers? I wanted to be here for you, Jay, but you wouldn't let me. Why wouldn't you let me in?" tears were silently slipping down her face already when she stopped, waiting for his answer.
"I have nightmares." He confessed quietly. "I always had them, but when Abby showed up, more memories came back and I was afraid to close my eyes every night. But it got even worse when I left you. I couldn't sleep at night without you by my side, but I was afraid that you wouldn't let me come home after what I did to you, so I didn't even ask."
She stood up and started pacing across the room "Jay, why in the world would you think I wouldn't let you come back? Do you think I slept well over these past weeks? I cried myself to sleep every night, soaking one of your shirts with my tears. I barely ate anything, not because I wouldn't want to, but because it makes me wanna throw up. I never thought I'd ever need someone by my side to function normally but here we are." She said, raising her voice a little.
He stood up and held her arms to keep her still "And I'm sorry Erin, I'm sorry."
She sighed and looked away again. She knew there was regret in those beautiful blue eyes of his but she still couldn't force herself to look at them. She just hugged him tightly and he gently stroked her hair. "I love you." She mumbled silently into his shirt and let another tear fall.
"I love you, too." He whispered and pressed a kiss to her hair.
"I need to shower," She said and pulled away from him, but instead took his hand. "Join me?" she asked with pleading eyes. She just wanted him to be with her, by her side, and she thought that she could tell him then.
"Sure." He answered with a little smile.
When they were in the shower, just watching each other through the streams of water, Jay was the first one to break the silence. "I missed you so much." He said quietly, cupping her cheek with his hand.
"I missed you, too. A lot." Erin said and he dropped his hand back to his side and he smiled sadly.
That's when she grabbed him by his wrists, stepped on her tiptoes and pressed her lips gently to his. She couldn't not do that anymore. These few weeks that she was not able to do this were too much for her.
She pulled back and tried to hide her smile with biting her bottom lip. He smiled back and leaned in to kiss her again, but she stopped him by putting a hand on his chest and gently pushing him away.
He was confused. Didn't she just kiss him? Did she regret it already?
"Jay, I, I need to tell you something."
"Yeah?" he said, putting his hands on her hips and pulling her just a little closer "So tell me." He whispered."
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Then she looked in his blue ones and she suddenly felt better about this. "I'm pregnant." She breathed out and waited for his reaction.
His eyes widened and he lost the ability to talk.
"I know it's the worst timing possible, especially because you need to go to your support group and-"
She was cut off by his lips, that gently landed on hers, just like they did a minute ago. "Stop talking nonsense." He said to her and nuzzled his nose against hers "We're having a kid. I can't believe it." He smiled to her and she returned the smile.
"We are." She nodded her head and kissed him again.
Just when he wanted to deepen the kiss, she pulled away "We should get out. Pizza's gonna be here soon." She patted his chest and stepped out of the shower and left him speechless again.
Minutes later they were cuddled together on the couch, the pizza box on their legs, watching a turned off tv and talking.
"Hey, you know what?" he said and stroked her hair.
She lifted her head off his chest to see his whole face "What?"
"You don't need to take the job in New York now." He grinned down to her.
"What do you mean? I don't think that if the things are good between us now means I don't need a job, Jay." She chuckled sadly.
"Do I really need to explain everything to you?" he said sarcastically. "Look. You're pregnant, we're having a kid. There's no way I'll let you work in this condition, especially not eight hundred miles away and I bet Hank would have the same opinion if he knew. Plus after you have the baby, you won't be able to work anyways so you might as well stay in Chicago. And then we'll figure something out, I promise." He kissed her forehead and rubbed her back.
"You're a genius." She whispered as she thought about what he just said. She was so busy with thinking about everything and everyone else that she didn't think of herself and what she will have to do for the next couple of months.
"But what about Bunny?"
"Seriously? Erin, I know she's your mom but she's the person that caused you the most pain in your life. Do you think saving her ass again would help? She got into that mess by herself, none of that is your fault and it's not your responsibility to fix it for her."
She lifted herself on her elbow and pecked his lips. "Thank you. For telling me what I was doing wasn't a mistake." She said and then continued eating her pizza.
And now when she was remembering all of this she was so thankful that he showed up last night because if he wouldn't, she might be on a flight to New York right now.
She felt Jay stir awake and his eyes fluttered open.
"Morning." She said, smiling up to him.
"Morning." He replied after rubbing his eyes and then placing a quick kiss on her lips.
She moaned softly when he pulled back.
"How is she feeling today?" he asked softly and rubbed his hand over her stomach.
Erin smirked up to him "She? What made you think it's a girl?"
"I have this feeling." He lightly shrugged his shoulders and smiled.
"Well I think it's a boy." Erin objected.
"No way. It's a girl and she's gonna be a daddy's girl," he said. "And she'll have your eyes and your nose and your dimples." He added.
"And your cute smile and your freckles." Erin added, giving up on claiming it's a boy. It didn't really matter.
Jay smiled and brushed some hair out of her face. Erin tried to smile back but failed and yawned instead.
Jay chuckled "Did I wear you out last night?" he asked, referring to the events after their dinner.
She playfully slapped his upper arm and then smiled and looked down to hide her blushing cheeks. She never blushed in front of anyone. Anyone except Jay.
"I was going to propose, you know." He said quietly while playing with her hair.
She lifted her head up off his chest "What? To me?" now it was her turn to be the surprised one.
"No, to Will," he said sarcastically "Of course to you, you dumb ass."
"Why didn't you?" she asked.
"I wanted to, for the whole day, but you weren't around much, and then you didn't show up at Molly's and when I came here I was already convinced you'd say no anyways, so I forgot about the whole thing." He said while still caressing her hair.
"Ask me." She said like she was talking about the weather.
"What?"
"Ask me." She simply said again.
"As first you need to know, I want nothing big, I'd be totally fine with just going down there and signing the papers and then inviting a few friends over. That's enough for me, but if you want the whole thing, the cake and the dress and the reception, I'm okay with that. And you need to know that you mean the world to me, that I'll never leave your side and that I want us to be happy. So, Erin, will you marry me?"
She smiled, showing her dimples and tears appeared in their eyes. But this time, they were tears of joy. "Yes." She said and nodded her head. "And I agree with you. Just signing the papers feels perfect to me. You know I'm not the one to dress up and I don't really want the big wedding. All I want is your last name."
Jay rolled to the side of the bed and reached down to his jeans that were laying on the floor and took the box out of the pocket.
He placed a ring on her finger and she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him deeply.
She knew things are going to get better. She knew she was safe in his arms. She knew they were safe in his arms.