Title: The Night the Sky Fell Down
Author: Vulcandoll
Pairing: C&T
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: i don't own anything
Author's Note: Beware, this is ANGST...the story is a sequel of sorts to "The
Darkness has No Armor", and a companion piece to a story not yet written, for
some reason, this one wanted to be written first. it doesn't end exactly, so
there may be more, but it's not exactly one of many - it's more a vingette than
a story, a moment, a glance into B'Elanna's world. it takes place during the
episode "Author, Author" and there are spoilers for said epi as well as Jeri
Taylor's book Pathways (sorta kinda).
Once when I was thirteen or fourteen and having a particularly bad day...not
that I remember many good days, but whatever...I remember taking a knife and
drawing it across my hand. I kept doing it until my hand was covered in my
blood. I watched as the blood oozed out of me and I thought it was the ugliest
color I'd ever seen. Human blood is red, Klignon blood is purple. But my blood
is a dark mess of a color somewhere in between.
Somewhere in between.
My mother found me. I was feeling a little light headed, but I geared myself up
for a shouting match. At this point in my life every conversation I had with my
mother involved shouting. But she was actually proud of me. She thought I was
getting in touch with my Klignon soul, hurting myself on purpose to get my body
ready for some stupid battle I'd have to fight some day. I don't remember what
she called it but the fact that I'd inadvertantly performed some ghastly Klingon
ritual kept me from ever taking a knife to myself again.
Of course I found other ways to hurt myself. I was one bruised and battered
little girl all the way through secondary school and into the Academy. It was
the worst at the Academy. I just didn't belong there. It wasn't like home where
I was really the only non-human. There were thousands upon thousands of students
and hundreds upon hundreds of other species. There were even other Klingons. But
I'm not really Klingon any more than I'm really human. All those people, all
those hundreds of different species...it was like I was nothing.
It made me so angry. I fought against everything...I don't really know why...I
was just so full of rage I couldn't think straight. I decided they wanted me to
fail, they were waiting for it. Thing is I thought they were right. And if I
tried and failed...then I'd really be nothing. Better to give up. Then at least
I'd always have what might have been.
I drifted for a while. Even when I was with the maquis I was on the outside. I
wasn't there for the cause. I was there because there was nowhere else for me to
be. At least there nobody was judging me. But I was still alone.
I wonder sometimes how I got from there to here.
***
"So, who did you speak with?" Chakotay asked so casully I almost believed he
didn't know. But Chakotay knows everything. I don't know how he does it but from
the moment we met he's always been one step ahead of me. I smiled, I wasn't
going to let him get away with it.
"As if you didn't know." He met my smile with a wide one of his own. He was
completely unruffled, damn him.
"Well, then, how was it?" He was still smiling but his eyes were soft
and...protective. He knew exactly how hard this was for me.
"I...I'm not sure." I replied honestly. I still hadn't quite realized I'd spoken
with my father after all this time. "He was....small." I couldn't help laughing,
it was such a ridiculous thing to say. Chakotay didn't seem to mind. He reached
a hand out and gave me a squeeze.
"Well, if you ever want to talk about it, I'm here." He pulled back and looked
around a minute. "Where's Tom tonight?"
"With the Captain." I tried to say it casually, but Chakotay saw right through
me. He tilted his head.
"Ship's business?" He asked conversationally. I felt like not answering, but
some part of me actually wanted to talk about it. I had the feeling that's why
he'd asked. Damn him again for knowing so much!
"I don't know. I don't think so." I admitted. Chakotay looked at me for a
moment. I tried to keep my expression calm, but I was never very good at hiding
my emotions. Especially from Chakotay. He gestured to the remains of our meal.
"Done?" I nodded and he picked up our trays and returned them to Neelix. He
returned to me grinning. "Neelix' dessert looks like it's still moving, come
back with me and I'll treat you to some ice cream." He said it in a way that
left no option. He wasn't going to let me off the hook. But at least I'd get a
cold dish of chocolate chip out of the deal. I smiled and nodded again. And away
we went.
***
"So what do you want to know, Chakotay?" We were sitting in his quarters, curled
up on the sofa with our ice cream. He hadn't said anything since we got here,
but I know he was waiting for me to start talking. Problem is I can't just start
talking. I do better if someone asks me questions. I can answer questions.
"What do you mean? I just thought you could do with some ice cream after such an
emotional day." He looked so innocent but I wasn't buying it.
"Right, well then, thanks for the ice cream. I guess I'd better be going." I
stood up and made for the door, dropping my bowl by the replicator as I went. I
almost made it when he called.
"B'Elanna." I stopped. I willed myself to just leave, but I stopped, waiting for
the question. "Want to talk about it?" I turned around. Chakotay was still
sitting on the sofa. He was waiting for me. I should leave. I don't have any
right to complain and I should just go back to my quarters and wait for my
husband and...
I walked back to the sofa and sat. Chakotay leaned back and waited for me. I
looked at him, looked right into his eyes. Tom's eyes are bright blue and
Chakotay's are dark...but I can read Chakotay's much easier. I held that look
for a long time, Chakotay simply waited.
"My dad wrote to me at the Academy. He found out where I was and he'd write to
me. I never wrote back, but for some reason he kept writing. So I guess I
shouldn't have been surprised that he wrote to me out here. And I wasn't really.
I was mostly surprised that I cared. I wanted to see him and that kind of scares
me." Chakotay listened, I felt safe, comforted, though he remained silent and
unmoving. "It was great to see him really and that...well, that terrifies me.
I've been angry at him for so long. But when I saw him, it didn't matter. I
mean, I didn't know what to say or how to talk to him or anything, but I
felt...I don't know, it didn't matter. It was enough that we were talking at
all. And Tom was there and I really wanted to cry after and he was there for me
and it was this moment. This special perfect moment." I stopped talking, I felt
constricted, I had to remember to breathe. Chakotay was suddenly there, holding
me. I felt my body calm down, but there was a lump in my throat and I couldn't
speak right away. Chakotay wouldn't let me go, in fact he held me closer.
"B'Elanna, what happened?" He spoke quietly but I could hear the fear in his
voice. For once I'd surprised him.
"I'm sorry." It was almost a whisper. I couldn't bring myself to speak up.
"B'Elanna...." It was quiet for a while. I'm not sure how much time went by. I
found myself listening to Chakotay's heartbeat, matching my breathing to his. He
just held me, let me be. I wondered what I would answer.
"It was this special perfect moment. I know Tom felt it too. For a moment
nothing existed but me and Tom and our baby. The universe stopped for us, so we
could feel it. I wanted to hold onto it forever." I spoke quietly, slowly, each
word seemed to float from me. Something inside me was talking, something that
wanted to be heard. I couldn't stop. "But then something happened...I don't know
what, just Tom pulled away. He does sometimes...especially when it comes to
family...it bothers me, but I don't let him know. I want him to come to me when
he's ready to talk about it, I don't want to force him...I..." Now the tears
came. Chakotay drew me even closer and I cried and cried and cried. I don't
think Chakotay even knew why I was crying but he held me and just let it happen.
"B'Elanna," Chakotay spoke quietly at my ear, still holding me, "Tom's been
through a lot and it's hard for him to reach out, but he knows you're there. He
knows - " I pulled away abruptly. I startled him into silence.
"That's not it." He looked me over. I looked away, couldn't meet his eyes. The
tears had stopped, I was angry now.
"What is it, then?"
"He went to her." I looked up again, Chakotay was watching me. "He always goes
to her. He doesn't need me to help or listen or do anything. He has her!" I
heard my voice getting louder and angrier, but I couldn't stop. I wanted to
throw something. If I'd been in my own quarters I would have, but I had to
settle for pacing. "I know I have no right to complain. I have a wonderful life.
I really have no right to be where I am on this ship. I have a husband who loves
me, I have no doubts that Tom loves me. It's not a perfect marriage but it's a
good one. And I have a baby coming. A beautiful, wonderful baby girl who will
have her father's eyes and...and..." I really wanted to throw something now. I
stopped pacing, looked directly at Chakotay. "And...last week we were going over
our list and we both got to choose a name to cross out. It was supposed to be a
game. Tom chose Lucy because he used to have a cat named Lucy and he felt funny
about naming his daughter after a cat." I was being quiet again. I don't know
how Chakotay could keep up with me. He gestured to the seat beside him and I sat
down, too tired to argue anymore.
"What name did you choose?" He asked, forcing the issue though I'm positive he
knew the answer. I answered in a whisper, all my anger, my tears everything gone
with this one word.
"Kathryn."
Fin.
Author: Vulcandoll
Pairing: C&T
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: i don't own anything
Author's Note: Beware, this is ANGST...the story is a sequel of sorts to "The
Darkness has No Armor", and a companion piece to a story not yet written, for
some reason, this one wanted to be written first. it doesn't end exactly, so
there may be more, but it's not exactly one of many - it's more a vingette than
a story, a moment, a glance into B'Elanna's world. it takes place during the
episode "Author, Author" and there are spoilers for said epi as well as Jeri
Taylor's book Pathways (sorta kinda).
Once when I was thirteen or fourteen and having a particularly bad day...not
that I remember many good days, but whatever...I remember taking a knife and
drawing it across my hand. I kept doing it until my hand was covered in my
blood. I watched as the blood oozed out of me and I thought it was the ugliest
color I'd ever seen. Human blood is red, Klignon blood is purple. But my blood
is a dark mess of a color somewhere in between.
Somewhere in between.
My mother found me. I was feeling a little light headed, but I geared myself up
for a shouting match. At this point in my life every conversation I had with my
mother involved shouting. But she was actually proud of me. She thought I was
getting in touch with my Klignon soul, hurting myself on purpose to get my body
ready for some stupid battle I'd have to fight some day. I don't remember what
she called it but the fact that I'd inadvertantly performed some ghastly Klingon
ritual kept me from ever taking a knife to myself again.
Of course I found other ways to hurt myself. I was one bruised and battered
little girl all the way through secondary school and into the Academy. It was
the worst at the Academy. I just didn't belong there. It wasn't like home where
I was really the only non-human. There were thousands upon thousands of students
and hundreds upon hundreds of other species. There were even other Klingons. But
I'm not really Klingon any more than I'm really human. All those people, all
those hundreds of different species...it was like I was nothing.
It made me so angry. I fought against everything...I don't really know why...I
was just so full of rage I couldn't think straight. I decided they wanted me to
fail, they were waiting for it. Thing is I thought they were right. And if I
tried and failed...then I'd really be nothing. Better to give up. Then at least
I'd always have what might have been.
I drifted for a while. Even when I was with the maquis I was on the outside. I
wasn't there for the cause. I was there because there was nowhere else for me to
be. At least there nobody was judging me. But I was still alone.
I wonder sometimes how I got from there to here.
***
"So, who did you speak with?" Chakotay asked so casully I almost believed he
didn't know. But Chakotay knows everything. I don't know how he does it but from
the moment we met he's always been one step ahead of me. I smiled, I wasn't
going to let him get away with it.
"As if you didn't know." He met my smile with a wide one of his own. He was
completely unruffled, damn him.
"Well, then, how was it?" He was still smiling but his eyes were soft
and...protective. He knew exactly how hard this was for me.
"I...I'm not sure." I replied honestly. I still hadn't quite realized I'd spoken
with my father after all this time. "He was....small." I couldn't help laughing,
it was such a ridiculous thing to say. Chakotay didn't seem to mind. He reached
a hand out and gave me a squeeze.
"Well, if you ever want to talk about it, I'm here." He pulled back and looked
around a minute. "Where's Tom tonight?"
"With the Captain." I tried to say it casually, but Chakotay saw right through
me. He tilted his head.
"Ship's business?" He asked conversationally. I felt like not answering, but
some part of me actually wanted to talk about it. I had the feeling that's why
he'd asked. Damn him again for knowing so much!
"I don't know. I don't think so." I admitted. Chakotay looked at me for a
moment. I tried to keep my expression calm, but I was never very good at hiding
my emotions. Especially from Chakotay. He gestured to the remains of our meal.
"Done?" I nodded and he picked up our trays and returned them to Neelix. He
returned to me grinning. "Neelix' dessert looks like it's still moving, come
back with me and I'll treat you to some ice cream." He said it in a way that
left no option. He wasn't going to let me off the hook. But at least I'd get a
cold dish of chocolate chip out of the deal. I smiled and nodded again. And away
we went.
***
"So what do you want to know, Chakotay?" We were sitting in his quarters, curled
up on the sofa with our ice cream. He hadn't said anything since we got here,
but I know he was waiting for me to start talking. Problem is I can't just start
talking. I do better if someone asks me questions. I can answer questions.
"What do you mean? I just thought you could do with some ice cream after such an
emotional day." He looked so innocent but I wasn't buying it.
"Right, well then, thanks for the ice cream. I guess I'd better be going." I
stood up and made for the door, dropping my bowl by the replicator as I went. I
almost made it when he called.
"B'Elanna." I stopped. I willed myself to just leave, but I stopped, waiting for
the question. "Want to talk about it?" I turned around. Chakotay was still
sitting on the sofa. He was waiting for me. I should leave. I don't have any
right to complain and I should just go back to my quarters and wait for my
husband and...
I walked back to the sofa and sat. Chakotay leaned back and waited for me. I
looked at him, looked right into his eyes. Tom's eyes are bright blue and
Chakotay's are dark...but I can read Chakotay's much easier. I held that look
for a long time, Chakotay simply waited.
"My dad wrote to me at the Academy. He found out where I was and he'd write to
me. I never wrote back, but for some reason he kept writing. So I guess I
shouldn't have been surprised that he wrote to me out here. And I wasn't really.
I was mostly surprised that I cared. I wanted to see him and that kind of scares
me." Chakotay listened, I felt safe, comforted, though he remained silent and
unmoving. "It was great to see him really and that...well, that terrifies me.
I've been angry at him for so long. But when I saw him, it didn't matter. I
mean, I didn't know what to say or how to talk to him or anything, but I
felt...I don't know, it didn't matter. It was enough that we were talking at
all. And Tom was there and I really wanted to cry after and he was there for me
and it was this moment. This special perfect moment." I stopped talking, I felt
constricted, I had to remember to breathe. Chakotay was suddenly there, holding
me. I felt my body calm down, but there was a lump in my throat and I couldn't
speak right away. Chakotay wouldn't let me go, in fact he held me closer.
"B'Elanna, what happened?" He spoke quietly but I could hear the fear in his
voice. For once I'd surprised him.
"I'm sorry." It was almost a whisper. I couldn't bring myself to speak up.
"B'Elanna...." It was quiet for a while. I'm not sure how much time went by. I
found myself listening to Chakotay's heartbeat, matching my breathing to his. He
just held me, let me be. I wondered what I would answer.
"It was this special perfect moment. I know Tom felt it too. For a moment
nothing existed but me and Tom and our baby. The universe stopped for us, so we
could feel it. I wanted to hold onto it forever." I spoke quietly, slowly, each
word seemed to float from me. Something inside me was talking, something that
wanted to be heard. I couldn't stop. "But then something happened...I don't know
what, just Tom pulled away. He does sometimes...especially when it comes to
family...it bothers me, but I don't let him know. I want him to come to me when
he's ready to talk about it, I don't want to force him...I..." Now the tears
came. Chakotay drew me even closer and I cried and cried and cried. I don't
think Chakotay even knew why I was crying but he held me and just let it happen.
"B'Elanna," Chakotay spoke quietly at my ear, still holding me, "Tom's been
through a lot and it's hard for him to reach out, but he knows you're there. He
knows - " I pulled away abruptly. I startled him into silence.
"That's not it." He looked me over. I looked away, couldn't meet his eyes. The
tears had stopped, I was angry now.
"What is it, then?"
"He went to her." I looked up again, Chakotay was watching me. "He always goes
to her. He doesn't need me to help or listen or do anything. He has her!" I
heard my voice getting louder and angrier, but I couldn't stop. I wanted to
throw something. If I'd been in my own quarters I would have, but I had to
settle for pacing. "I know I have no right to complain. I have a wonderful life.
I really have no right to be where I am on this ship. I have a husband who loves
me, I have no doubts that Tom loves me. It's not a perfect marriage but it's a
good one. And I have a baby coming. A beautiful, wonderful baby girl who will
have her father's eyes and...and..." I really wanted to throw something now. I
stopped pacing, looked directly at Chakotay. "And...last week we were going over
our list and we both got to choose a name to cross out. It was supposed to be a
game. Tom chose Lucy because he used to have a cat named Lucy and he felt funny
about naming his daughter after a cat." I was being quiet again. I don't know
how Chakotay could keep up with me. He gestured to the seat beside him and I sat
down, too tired to argue anymore.
"What name did you choose?" He asked, forcing the issue though I'm positive he
knew the answer. I answered in a whisper, all my anger, my tears everything gone
with this one word.
"Kathryn."
Fin.