Disclaimers: well, duh!
A Season for Miracles 1/1
By Elysia [ely_chan@yahoo.com]
PG-13
Usagi put the final ornament on the tree and stepped back to take a good look. The white lights twinkled merrily, their light illuminating the shiny ornaments hung of the branches. A simple gold star was perched at the top, completing the decoration.
She glanced about the small living room, taking in all the decorations she had put up earlier this afternoon. It didn't matter that there was still a month until the holiday. It was definitely the Christmas season in this apartment.
But something was missing.
Something didn't feel right. Not like the feeling she got when she hadn't seen Mamoru all day, but rather... she felt empty inside, like a part of her should have been there but wasn't. Nothing had been the same since... the incident, but she was trying so hard to put that behind her. It devastated Usagi and Mamoru so much; it hurt just to think about it.
What was wrong with her? Things like this weren't supposed to happen... not to her, not to Mamoru. She felt like she had let him down in some way, though time and time again he assured her it had not been her fault.
What if the incident made him think any less of her now? If it had, she couldn't tell. He was so busy now, teaching physics at the university and finals were just about to start. More than anything, she wanted to confide in Mamoru, but he hadn't been around lately for that.
The empty feeling overwhelmed her. She slumped down on the couch wearily, fixing her gaze on the newly decorated tree in the corner. Usagi thought over everything that had happened in the last month.
As she concentrated on the tree, she focused her attention on a particular ornament, hidden by the lush pine needles. It was a simple ornament, brightly colored yarn woven around Popsicle sticks and then sprinkled with glitter to make it sparkle as it was doing now.
But it wasn't the craftsmanship of the ornament that made Usagi think so deeply. It was the person who had made it. A warm feeling surrounded her heart as she recalled the memories of Christmases gone by.
Suddenly she knew the cause for her uneasiness. *She* should have been here by now... but she wasn't. And it seemed she never would be. It wasn't fair, Usagi cursed herself silently. All the pain, all the heartache was still there. She wanted her to be here more than anything. But she needed the help of another to do that.
There was no sense in lying around, waiting for it to come to her. Usagi jumped off the couch, grabbed her coat and headed out the door. She had to tell Mamoru.
They had to try again.
******
Thin wisps of clouds formed in front of her face as she let out a breath in the frigid air. As she walked down the sidewalk, the frost nipped at Usagi's ears and face, sending tingling shivers throughout her body.
She stopped and stared at the large building, the tiny snowflakes falling into her hair and melting away before they were even noticed. In the large crowd roaming about her, she was like one of those snowflakes; too insignificant to be noticed--except in Mamoru's eyes.
Oh, how she loved that man. It was beyond her how much she really loved him--or really, how much he loved her. Their relationship had certainly been a strange one. But after everything they'd been through, it amazed Usagi how strong their love continued to be. It was far from perfect, but it was exactly what she wanted.
Until the heartache began. It came and went so fast, taking all their hope with it at the same time. They didn't dare mention it anymore, for fear of driving a wedge between them. In times like these, they were supposed to come together and strengthen each other, not spend more time apart.
She didn't come to Mamoru's office often because she didn't want to interfere with his class work. The separation had become too much for Usagi. It was nearly Christmas, and she wanted to be where ever her husband was. She needed him.
Walking into the lobby of the physics building, Usagi unwrapped the scarf from around her neck, grateful for the heat. She smiled politely at the young woman sitting in the department office. She met Yuriko the day Mamoru moved into his new office in the physics department, and the two women hit it off quite nicely.
"Usagi-san, it's a pleasure to see you again! How are you doing? I can't believe you braved the freezing weather to come all the way down here."
Usagi bristled. Anyone who knew what she had been through lately always asked about her situation. It made her feel as if something worse was going to happen. She pushed back the annoyance that was eating at her and managed a smile. "Do you know if Mamo-chan's still in class? He told me he would be busy all day long but I came down to see him anyway."
Yuriko grinned at her. "I think you're in luck. Chiba-sensei should be just about done teaching for the day. Why don't you go on up and take him home early? I think he needs the vacation."
Usagi couldn't suppress her smile. "I think I'll do just that. I hope his students won't mind if he doesn't come in for a couple of days," she replied and headed for the stairs.
"Do you need any help?" Yuriko called after her. Usagi almost stopped on the stairs and screamed. She didn't want this. Anything but pity. Not from her. Not from anyone. "No, Yuriko-san. I'll be just fine," she responded and continued upstairs.
******
Usagi let herself into his office silently, standing among the books and papers that were piled in the corners of the research room. She could hear him in the other room, typing away on some report or dissertation. He was always working on something.
As she made her way towards his doorway, the floor creaked beneath her. His typing stopped but he didn't turn around. "Yuriko-san? Did you bring those books with you? I need them to finish up this paper by tonight."
Leaning against the door frame, Usagi smiled tenderly at her unsuspecting husband. He was so cute when he was hard at work. His determination never ceased to amaze her. Another smile curved on her lips as she spoke up. "I could go get Yuriko-san if you like, but I'd rather be alone up here with you."
Mamoru whipped around in his chair at the sound of his wife's voice. For moment he just stared at her, noting how absolutely beautiful she was in the dim light that the room offered. Her soft blonde hair spilled across her shoulders and down her back, falling about her lithe figure.
It had been some time since he seen her in that way. Not that it was his fault, really. The fall semester had been a hectic one and preparing for finals was no easier. While it appeared to be an excuse for not being at home so much, Chiba Mamoru really was busy.
But no amount of work could replace the love he felt for his wife.
"Usako, what are you doing here so late at night?" Wrong thing to say. He mentally kicked himself for not thinking before speaking. Obviously she had a reason for coming here, didn't she? He couldn't read her emotions anymore. She used to be so easy to understand, but in the last few months... things had definitely changed.
Usagi frowned slightly. Was she now only as important as his grades? She didn't move from her spot, but continued to look at him. "I thought I'd come and see you, Mamo-chan. I didn't know I had to have a reason to visit the man I love. Lately you come home so late at night that we never get to talk to each other anymore."
He smiled faintly. "I can't help that, Usako. You know finals are coming soon and I have to grade all the final projects, plus write the exam. Next week things will ease up and I'll be home so much you'll wish that I was still putting in more hours here."
She walked towards him with a smug smile teasing her lips. "Somehow I doubt that, Mamo-chan. I like having you home." Leaning down, Usagi let her lips tease his, lingering long enough to elicit a groan from him. Oh, how she enjoyed teasing him like this.
Before he could grasp his hold on reality, Usagi moved out of his reach. More than anything he would've liked to have kept her in his embrace and have her continue this little show of affection. Mamoru knew she was teasing him, and he normally welcomed it gladly. Except for when finals mocked him.
"I'll see you at home, Mamo-chan," her soft voice echoed in his ears as she left his office. He watched Usagi leave, then slowly turned back to the blinking cursor on the computer screen.
Suddenly finals didn't seem so important anymore.
*****
Not thirty minutes after Usagi came back home, Mamoru came through the door, out of breath from walking so fast. She looked up from the book she was reading, surprised to see him. "I didn't think you'd be home this early."
He dropped his bag on the floor and strode over to the sofa, leaning over her so that their noses were touching. "After that little show you gave me, how could I concentrate on anything else but you?"
"Me?" she said innocently, trying to keep a smile from appearing, "I didn't think I was on your mind that much."
Mamoru's hands wrapped gently around her wrists, her book falling to the floor. He pinned her against the sofa and leaned into her, kissing her tender neck with the softest of kisses. "When are you not on my mind, Usako?"
She welcomed his warmth gladly, releasing her hands from his grip and bringing them around his neck, tangling her fingers in his thick black hair. Her sudden movements caused Mamoru to lose his balance, and he fell on top of her, his lips still roaming everywhere.
Usagi gasped as his hands gently touched her body. This was what she missed the most. It had been a long time since he had acted in such a way towards her. He could be so calm and collected at times, but then he was fiercely passionate when he wanted to be.
Mamoru leaned into her, pressing her body deeper into the couch. Letting the passion take over, his lips slowly coaxed hers more and more, and she was powerless against him. Her love for him radiated from her body in waves, and he indulged in the tender feelings.
He wanted her. He wanted the woman he loved so much. It had been too long since he had held Usagi in his arms and showed her how much he truly loved her. Revealing his emotions to anyone was still a challenge, even to his darling Usa. But she had been patient with him all those years. He wouldn't have made it this far without her.
'I need her so much,' Mamoru thought as he kissed Usagi deeply, letting the heat of the moment get the better of him. When he finally found her, his greatest wish had come true. He had a family. She was all he ever asked for. They were together and could start a family of their own.
A family of their own...
the haunting memories began to emerge...
the sight of her collapsing to the floor...
'Mamo-chan, it hurts! Stop the pain, please!'
'Mamo-chan, what happened? What's going on? Why can't I feel the baby anymore?'
Tender, raw, painful memories racked his brain. He couldn't do this. It was too soon to be doing this again. He couldn't live with the guilt that pressed upon his heart.
Slowly, he pulled away from Usagi, who lay on the couch, staring back at him lovingly. Her cheeks were flushed, lips swollen from all the kisses, and her blonde hair was tousled. "What's the matter, Mamo-chan?"
She was so beautiful, he mused. But the pain in his heart was still too recent. "I can't do this," he mumbled, fleeing to the sanctuary of the kitchen.
Usagi followed him, confused. "Do what?" Leaning over the counter, Mamoru motioned to the other room with his hand. "THAT!" he burst out, referring to the earlier scene on the couch. "What if I hurt you?"
"You could never hurt me, Mamo-chan," she murmured and slipped her arms around his waist.
"But it's too soon for us to even be doing that! I can't make you go through that again. What if you got pregnant and lost the baby again? I'd never be able to live with myself."
She only held him tighter. "Mamo-chan, I hurt too because of that, and not just physically. I wanted that baby as much as you did. You can't hold onto the painful memories forever. There will be other babies, as long as you want them."
His grip on the counter tightened. "Of course I'll want them, Usako! How can you even ask me that when you know all I've ever wanted is a family?"
She could hear the pain in his voice and slowly released her hold on him. "Then perhaps you really aren't ready yet, Mamo-chan. But you know where to find me when you are." Usagi slipped from the kitchen, leaving Mamoru alone with his thoughts.
The quiet click of the front door aroused his senses, and he sprinted to the other room to find Usagi and her jacket missing. Where had she gone?
******
The night air swirled around Usagi as she plodded down the sidewalk. She didn't know where she was headed, but at this point, she didn't care.
Didn't Mamoru know what this had done to her? He hadn't been the only one to lose the child. Usagi had been the one carrying it; she was the one who felt the brand new life swelling and growing inside her.
It had been hell physically and emotionally to lose this baby. Didn't God know that they wanted this child in their family? How could He take that hope away from them so easily?
Usagi shook her head. She had no right to blame God for any of this. He had been the one to grant that gift of life to them in the first place, and she supposed He had His reasons for taking it away again. Maybe she and Mamoru weren't really ready for that kind of responsibility yet.
"Usako!" A familiar voice called out from behind her. She whirled around to watch Mamoru catch up to her, concern clearly portrayed on his face.
He immediately enveloped Usagi in his arms. "Why did you leave without telling me? I was worried about you."
Usagi shrugged. "You looked like you wanted some time alone, and I decided I did too."
Mamoru's shoulders sagged. "If you want some time by yourself, I understand if you don't want me here." Her lip began to quiver at his forlorn state. "That's not what I meant, Mamo-chan. Now that you're here, stay with me. I think we need to talk about some things."
He nodded and reached for her hand, warming her small one with his large one. Little gestures like that still made Usagi blush, like their love had only bloomed yesterday.
Hand in hand, they walked down the sidewalk, letting their feet carry them to an unknown destination. Usagi buried herself in Mamoru's warmth, and he pulled her in tightly, grateful for her forgiving nature. Her shining light guided him though many dark and bleak times of life.
"Mamo-chan," Usagi began, her voice barely above a whisper, "why did you think you were going to hurt me?" She loved him so much, it was even beyond her understanding. If he was in pain, she knew it. She could see the pain etched on his face at that moment, and more than anything, she wanted to take it from him.
He stiffened slightly, then, swallowing his pride, Mamoru spoke. "I wanted to show you how much I loved you, Usako. I was almost to the point where nothing was holding me back... until I remembered the pain you were in the day you... you lost the baby. I felt as if I was just starting the vicious cycle over, and I can't bear to see you in that kind of pain ever again." Emotions raged through his body, and he struggled to keep his composure. "Please, forgive me, Usako."
Usagi choked back a sob. "Oh, Mamo-chan... none of this was ever your fault! Sometimes things like this happen, and we have no power to keep them from happening. But it's not because of something you or I did."
She bit her lip, trying to hold back her aching grief. "I came to your office earlier because I wanted to tell you I wanted to try again. I know it takes time for us to heal, but more than anything I want to see my small lady. We already saw her as a little girl. Now I want to know what it's like to care for her from the beginning."
Mamoru enveloped Usagi in his comforting embrace, her tears disappearing into the sleeve of his coat. "I know, Usako, I know. I want to see her too. Maybe she wasn't ready yet, or maybe we weren't quite ready yet. But I have a feeling she'll come to us when we all are."
Reaching down, Mamoru lifted Usagi's face up to his and wiped away her tears with the pad of his thumb. "Aisuru, Usako. I love you for your light, and allowing it to shine on me. You've been through so much because of me, and you still stay by my side. That's more than I ever thought possible." He leaned down and tenderly captured her lips with his, drawing her deep into his soul and allowing their love to heal the pain in both their hearts.
As they broke away, Usagi looked at the area and gasped. "Mamo-chan, look. I didn't even realize we had walked this far. Do you recognize this neighborhood?"
His eyes darkened slightly when the site registered. "How could I forget such a place? This is where I spent my childhood," he remarked, looking up at the cold, bleak building. "I wouldn't wish a life here on any child."
Usagi smiled sadly, then tugged on his sleeve. "C'mon, let's go home."
"I want to go inside."
"Nani? Are you sure, Mamo-chan? I thought this place was a painful memory for you."
"It was, but it was also the only home I ever knew as a child. It's only right for me to wish a Merry Christmas to those who took care of me so diligently."
She laced her fingers with his. "I'll go with you."
"I was hoping you would. I don't think I could go in there alone."
******
The heavy wooden door shut with a thud as Usagi and Mamoru stepped inside the dim foyer. "This place hasn't changed a bit since I was here."
Fingering faint scratches in the lower panels of the door, a subtle smile surfaced on his face. "I still remember the day I scratched the door. I was running down the hall and went to go up the stairs, but I slipped and crashed into the door. My leg flew back and my shoe scraped hard against the wood. I'm surprised that it's still here."
Usagi looked at her husband in a new light. "You've never told me that before, Mamo-chan. What else don't I know about you?"
"There's a lot of things I haven't told anyone, because it always hurt to talk about it before," Mamoru remarked. "Christmases were especially hard. There were so many kids, and they didn't have a lot of money, so we were lucky to get something new or even second-hand on Christmas morning. Sometimes we didn't get anything at all." He looked away, trying hard to contain his emotions.
"I finally managed to put most of it behind me," he finished, lacing his fingers with Usagi's. "I don't have to dwell on the past anymore because I look forward to the future."
Tears welled up in Usagi's eyes. "Oh, Mamo-chan... I think the future looks bright too, because you're in it." She buried herself in his arms.
"May I help you?" A figure stood just inside the office door, shadowed in the poor lighting. Mamoru and Usagi jumped, startled by the new person. "Um... we were just... uhh..."
As the figure stepped from the shadows, they could see it was an older woman, her chestnut hair pulled back into a tight bun. "Wait..." she interrupted. "Do I know you from somewhere?" Mamoru broke into a smile. "Asako-san. I don't know if you remember me, but I certainly remember you."
"It can't be..." Asako breathed. "Chiba Mamoru... I almost didn't recognize you. Mamoru-kun, all grown up. It's been eight years. When you left us, I didn't think I'd ever see you again."
"I was impossible at 16, wasn't I?" Mamoru chuckled. "Asako-san, I want you to meet my wife, Chiba Usagi." He pulled Usagi closer to him. "Usako, this is Hinode Asako, the woman responsible for who I am now."
"Please," Asako laughed, "don't blame me for that. I'm so pleased that you've made a happy life for yourself. Tell me, Usagi-san, does he smile more now?"
"More than when I first met him," she responded with a grin. "He was so sour when we first met, and his favorite thing was to pick a fight with me everyday."
"But you always fought back," Mamoru pointed out.
"I couldn't let you have the last word all the time, Mamo-chan," Usagi said sweetly.
Asako smiled at the couple. "What brings you to this part of town on a night like this?"
"We were taking a walk and somehow ended up here. At first, I didn't know if Mamo-chan wanted to come inside, but he decided at the last minute. Besides, I'm getting a lot of memories out of him this way."
"Well, I'll let you walk around so Mamoru-kun can tell you more. All the kids are in the recreation room for free time, so as long as you don't bother them too much, you can go and talk to them too," Asako replied, and walked back into her office to finish her work.
Mamoru and Usagi walked down the hall towards the large rec room. Little memories would come back to him from time to time, and Usagi listened intently, seeing a completely new side to her husband.
They reached the door of the rec room, but didn't go inside. Instead, they moved to over to the window and watched the kids and volunteers through it.
"They seem happy," Usagi commented innocently.
"Look again, Usako. Look closely at their eyes," Mamoru said solemnly. She did as he asked, and brought a hand up to her lips as she finally understood. "Their smiles aren't reflected in their eyes. They're sad while their faces and actions say otherwise."
Mamoru nodded. "These children learn quickly how to mask their pain. A few are too young to remember why they are here in the first place. Some kids hide it better than others, but many of them draw further and further into themselves, making it nearly impossible for people on the outside to see the real person behind the stone wall."
A small smile tugged at Usagi's lips. "No wonder it took you so long to warm up to me."
He slipped an arm around his wife's waist. "I'm glad you didn't give up on me, Usako. You were the first one to show me that life was truly worth living."
Throwing her arms about Mamoru, she snuggled into his embrace and breathed in his familiar scent. "I wish there was something we could do to make these children truly happy."
"That's a hard task, Usako. Most of these kids want what they never might have: someone who will want to love them. Not out of pity or sympathy, but loved in a way that they are appreciated for who they are and what they can do. These kids have led such a hard life; the simple act of love means a world's difference to an innocent child."
Tears spilled over, and Usagi made no move to wipe them away. "I know. I wish I had enough love to go around." Just then, one of the orphanage volunteers caught her eye. The lady was off in a corner, trying to shush a tiny baby by rocking and cooing to her gently, but with no luck.
Usagi left Mamoru's side, went through the door unnoticed and walked over to the woman. "Can I help? Maybe I can get her to quiet down." The young lady turned to Usagi, still rocking the baby wrapped up in numerous blankets to shield her from the cold. Gratitude shone in her eyes, and she almost broke down into tears. "I don't know what else to do for her. The little one has been fussy all evening."
Reaching out her arms for the baby, Usagi asked, "Do you mind if I hold her?" With a small smile, the woman gingerly placed the six-month old baby in Usagi's arms. She instinctively began to sway back and forth, rubbing the back of the bundled baby. Sure enough, the little girl's wailing began to quiet and Usagi and the volunteer both smiled in satisfaction.
"You seem to be a natural at this," the woman said. "Do you have children of your own?" Usagi flinched slightly, tender memories still affecting her. "Not yet," she murmured softly, "we're still trying." A lone tear escaped and trailed down her cheek, disappearing into the blankets as it fell. "How long has she been here?"
"Only a month or so, but I'm not too sure. I've been told that she just showed up here one cold night, so of course we took her in. We haven't even decided on a name for her yet."
I'm sure she's a little darling. Do you mind if I take a peek at her? I want to see her sweet angel face."
The woman nodded, and Usagi lifted the warm layer from the baby's face. Light fuzzy hair framed the delicate face, but it was too dim to see the color. She was truly an angel all right, but Usagi couldn't help but feel that there was something strangely familiar about this child.
Then the baby yawned and her eyelids cracked open briefly, and Usagi got a good glimpse of the child's sleepy eyes. She gasped, covering her mouth so she wouldn't wake the baby. 'It wasn't possible... it couldn't be...'
"Mamo-chan!" she whispered loudly and waved him over. He came to her side, a concerned look on his face. "What's wrong, Usako?" he asked lowly so he wouldn't wake the slumbering child.
Usagi turned to her husband, and gently laid the baby in his arms. "Look at her, and tell me what you see."
Clearly puzzled, Mamoru stared down at the child, looking over all her tiny features. He delicately fingered her fuzzy hair, and traced her chubby hand. Not until the baby grasped his finger in her fist did he understand. A shock ran up his spine, the same one that he felt the first time he held...
His eyes were twice their size as he stared back at his wife. She nodded. "I felt it too. I would have never thought it would be like this, but it was always a remote possibility, ne?" Usagi smiled through tears of happiness. "I knew something special was going to happen this Christmas."
Mamoru looked down at the child he held in his arms, back at Usagi, and then finally to the volunteer. "What do we have to do to make her part of our family?"
******
Fumbling with the key in the lock, Mamoru finally got the front door to the apartment open and held it open. Usagi slowly walked in, holding the bundle in her arms protectively.
Everything had happened in such a short amount of time. Three weeks to the day that they had laid eyes on their little angel. And appropriately enough, the night they brought her home was Christmas Eve.
It was still hard for Usagi and Mamoru to believe that their little girl, their small lady would become part of their family in this way, but both agreed that after Mamoru's own childhood, it couldn't be more fitting.
Usagi delicately laid the little girl in Mamoru's arms, then went over to the Christmas tree and plugged in the lights, illuminating the room with a soft glow.
"I can't believe she slept through all that," Usagi commented, walking back over to Mamoru. "She takes after her mother," he replied dryly.
"You know, I don't really mind that I wasn't the one to give birth to her. I know that we were meant to love her, and that's all that matters," she sighed, gently touching the baby's soft skin. "She's our little miracle."
Mamoru leaned down and softly kissed the little girl on the forehead, then turned to his wife and kissed her as well. "She makes all the waiting worth it, ne?"
"Hai." Usagi smiled down at their new daughter. Running a hand over the little girl's soft hair, tears sprang to her eyes as she realized how lucky they were to have her.
"Merry Christmas, Chibi-Usa."
************
*sticks a finger into the sap vat* mmm, sweet and sticky... but hey, that's what Christmas is for. I couldn't help myself! *sheepish grin*
That's all folks... until the next brainstorm....^_~
Elysia
(c) December 2000