Rating: PG
Pairing: Sheppard/Weir UST
Category: Angst
Spoilers: Episode tag to Letters From Pegasus, some foreshadowing to Siege part 2
Disclaimers: Atlantis is not mine
Summary: John needs some time alone...
Walk Away
Major John Sheppard stood on the balcony, watching over the ocean. Usually he only found himself out there when in conversation with Dr Elizabeth Weir, somehow it was her special place. He didn't like to intrude unless he was invited, or knew he was welcome. Yet today he felt drawn to the place, needing somewhere solitary, away from the business of Atlantis.
Sure, just behind the door, he knew people were busily working on their given tasks, but out here it all seemed far away. He knew that out there he could be alone.
He closed his eyes, letting the wind of the wide ocean blow against his face. He knew they were coming, nothing they could do to stop them, nothing that could prevent them from destroying Atlantis.
Unless they found a ZPM, fast.
He was an optimist, but inside he had a really bad feeling a bout all this. He thought back to the day before, the message they had sent to Earth. His message to Colonel Sumner's family. Was he one of the lucky ones? The ones that's family got to find out he had died, were the rest of them to be killed, their city sunk to the bottom of the ocean never to be seen again?
He breathed in deeply and opened his eyes again. He couldn't think like that, thinking like that would create opportunity from him to become a dead body at the bottom of the ocean. Or worse.
He heard the door slide open behind him.
"Been looking for you…"
Elizabeth Weir walked over and stood next to him, leaning on the railing, her eyes not focused on the ocean, but on him. He tried to avoid looking at her, he knew what was coming and he didn't want to talk about it.
"You OK?" she asked.
"I'm fine," he replied, it coming out a little harsher than he had imagined.
She nodded, seeming to accept his answer, and then turned to face the ocean. They stood there for a long moment, silence between them. He felt comfortable with her standing there, found it relaxing almost. When she was standing there his fears seemed to fade away.
He had never imagined himself being such good friends with someone like her. The two of them were so different, although they were both leaders. Elizabeth ruled with her head, John with his heart. It caused conflict between them, but also drew them closer together.
"John…can I ask you something?" she said slowly.
"I don't have anyone back home to send a message to," he said quietly.
She turned to look at him again, he could sense the sympathy coming from her. She didn't even know, he didn't want her sympathy, didn't want her to feel sorry for him. He'd had enough of that.
He pushed away the anger, closing his eyes for a moment to calm himself. He turned slowly to face the woman next to him.
"Don't…don't say it," he said, pre-empting her 'I'm sorry'.
She remained silent, looking up into his eyes. She stood there, not asking who, not asking how, just being there. He appreciated it. He thought of his family, his friends, everyone he'd lost. He couldn't save them.
He felt emotions he couldn't fight rising within him and he turned away. He didn't want to show her how afraid he was. Afraid of not being able to save Atlantis, to save them, to save her…
She also turned back to the railing, but this time she was closer to him, her arm pressed against his. He bit the inside of his lip, attempting to push back the tears he knew were close. He couldn't let them come. That damn video had brought up all the emotions again, the damn emotions he'd fought so hard to bury.
Why did he have to give that message? The same one he'd had to give for his friends.
"It's still as beautiful as the day we first came here," Elizabeth said, staring out over the ocean.
She was trying to distract him.
"I couldn't save them," he said.
"Who?" she looked at him, only moving her head.
"Any of them…" he said.
He knew his eyes would look glazed, the way they always did when he thought about his past. He felt her hand cover his and he let her. He felt a jolt of happiness run through him, for a moment dissipating the sad mood he was in.
He turned and looked at her. Her eyes were searching his, trying to read his emotions. He let her see, the look inside of him, something he had disallowed of anyone for a very long time.
He needed her, not just as a co-worker, as a fellow leader, but as a friend. He cared for a lot, maybe too much.
"We should go back inside…" he said quietly, turning away, letting go of her hand.
Her fingers locked around the ends of his.
"John, none of it is your fault – don't blame yourself," she said.
"I have to," he replied, turning again to look at her. "But next time I won't let it happen…"
He let go of her hand, then turned around and walked off the balcony. If sacrificing himself was the only way to stop the Wraith he would do it, and that meant he couldn't let himself get too close to anyone. Especially not someone he feared could be much more than a friend…
So instead he walked away.