The characters used in the following fanfiction are owned by GameFreak. Although they were used without permission, this is a non-profit work. I own nothing!
This was somewhat requested by my sister, who gave me the prompt "Pokémon characters at a bar. Bartender has to be a Pokémon." Since this is a crack pairing fic, I also gave myself a "no sex" restriction. Well, I'm done talkin', so just try to enjoy the abomination that lies ahead!
"Bartender! Another round of the blue Shuckle stuff!" Alder pounded his fist on the bar in a sort of way you wouldn't expect from the Unova region's Champion. Marshal, his "apprentice", looked on, not expecting this kind of behavior from his superior.
"Alder, that has to be the fifth time you've said that tonight," he said, trying to calm the sober-going-on-drunk man next to him. "Normally I drink more than you, and I've only had two shots. Besides, it's a little awkward to find you arguing with a bartender who isn't even human."
"Well, Mr. Eyebrow-man, you try putting up with a bunch of sleep-deprived maniacs every single day!" A slapping noise could be heard halfway across the room as a hand met Alder's face. "See, Marshal? You've drank more than I have!"
However, the slap didn't come from Marshal, but from the bartender who wasn't even human.
"Blissey," she said disdainfully, holding up Alder's fifth round of hard Berry Juice.
"Ohh. Thank you, you plump pink sexybag," a now-completely-hammered Alder accepted his drink, only to receive another DoubleSlap from Blissey.
"Geez, Alder, you okay?" Marshal was starting to get a little worried about his bro, who just so happened to be the one driving them that night.
"Don't worry 'bout me, Marshtomp, I'll be fiiiine." Hearing footsteps in the distance, the firey-haired drunk turned his head to see his least favorite Sage step into the bar. "Here comes Spinach Hay-uhd…"
"Damn right," Ghetsis mumbled, taking a seat next-to-but-not-really-next-to Alder. "Blissey, give me everything you've got. All day I've had to put up with those bitches I raped who are still with me, my nerdy manchild of a son, and three little shits who are constantly following me around just because I picked them up off the street."
"Bliss!" The Normal-type acted as if this was nothing new to her, and began mixing drinks almost immediately.
It was just then that Alder noticed Blissey's egg.
"Hey, bartender!" By now Alder was standing on his bar stool, breaking free of Marshal's poor attempt of a restraining hold. "I'm hungry! Can I have some eeeehgz? But of course!" He then proceeded to jump the poor Pokémon, spilling Ghetsis's drink all over the two of them. Since Marshal was still trying to calm down his drinking buddy, he got splashed with the mixture as well.
Before we get to the good part, children, there is something I must tell you: taking and eating a Blissey's egg without asking first is like sexual harassment to them.
Unfortunately for Spinach Head Harmonia, he didn't get that drink he was looking forward to, all because some drunk guy pounced on the screaming bartender, trying to steal her egg.
After several minutes that seemed more like hours, our "hero" succeeded in taking Blissey's pride and joy. To celebrate, he did what any self-respecting Champion would do: take a bite out of it.
Doing so released the egg's enzymes of happiness into Alder's body. This, combined with all the alcoholic Shuckle-made fluids he consumed, gave him feelings of affection towards the next person he laid eyes on.
Which happened to be Marshal.
"You probably shouldn't have done that, Alder," the Elite trainer tried once again to calm his companion. "Whoa…you don't look so good."
"Hey there, Marshmallow," the Champion said, gazing almost lustfully at Marshal. "You're looking as ripped as ever."
Ghetsis, finding this rather awkward, decided to leave, telling Blissey that instead of drinking, he'd just "take out his anger on some Minccinos".
"You-you know what?" Alder began to embrace Marshal as he asked this.
"Yeah, what is it?"
"This is it." The drunken man slowly and carefully brought his face closer to the trainer in his arms until their lips met as he licked the alcohol off his partner's face.
Marshal blushed a little, finding this very out-of-character for Alder. "Just…what was that for?"
"For our relationship, my sweet Pecha Berry. …Hey, how about a joke?"
"Well, whatever. This better not be a trick." More than anything, Marshal wished this would all end as Alder told the joke.
"'Kay, so, a vampire walks into a bar…"
"Ugh, that night in Celadon left me nearly broke…" before everyone's favorite drunk could finish his sentence, Grimsley staggered in, unaware of what just happened.
What he saw was a rather odd sight: an eggless Blissey, who was apparently the bartender, was crying her eyes out, while two of his coworkers were holding each other closely, covered in Berry Juice.
"…Never mind, I'll just go to another bar."
Once Grimsley had left, Marshal told Alder to continue the joke.
"What? Uhh…sorry, I forgot the punchline."