Title: Let Me Be Home
By: Amanda
Feedback: sweety167yahoo.ca
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I'm just playing with JK Rowling's toys. I promise to put them back when I'm done, whenever that is.
Timing: post PoA/during GoF
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Summary: You can reunite forces against a common enemy, but what happens when it's just the two of you again?
Completed: March 8, 2005
Notes: Blame this one on Michael Buble's Home. And it goes out to Karen (who I don't think is into the pairing…but), I know it's not much, but it's all I have to try and make you feel better.
A wistful smile crossed Remus Lupin's thin and scarred face as he spotted a mound of black fur laying on his front stoop.
"You may really be crazy," he reached down to scratch its furry head, "Everyone's looking for you."
The large dog looked up with sad eyes.
Remus sighed, "Of course I'm glad to see you Padfoot. No idea how you got here…"
The dog nudged his head against Remus' leg, darting his eyes at the street around them.
"Right, right," the werewolf nodded, "better get inside." He fumbled with the key, not wanting to risk a neighbour seeing the wand, they didn't need anymore attention drawn to them, and pushed open the door. Allowing his four-legged visitor inside, Remus quickly busied himself with bolting the door, refusing to turn around, "It really isn't much…"
"No Moony," Sirius' voice croaked, "It's everything." He wasn't bothering to look around the small, dusty home but instead staring at its inhabitant.
Remus' shoulders sank; his hand pressed against the door, the only thing supporting him. "Oh Sirius," His voice tired, mournful and just…defeated.
"Remus?" Sirius cautiously reached out for his shoulder, but stopped, pulling back quickly. So much felt unsure now. You can reunite forces against a common enemy, but what happens when it's just the two of you again?
"No," he knew the comfort being offered to him, "I should have known. I should have seen it, I should have…"
A dry bark of a laugh came from behind him, "I came here to explain and apologise to you."
Remus turned around, wide-eyed and almost innocently seventeen again, "I never should have believed"
Sirius shook his head, "I should have told you." He chanced a look into the pale-brown eyes he once knew so well, but was too scared of what he would see now he turned himself away; "I never thought it was you."
Remus went ridged, his breathing ragged against the sudden tightness of his chest.
Sirius spun back to face him, "No, I didn't mean…Damn it!" he slumped against a piece of furniture; defeated, tired and broken. "I mean that's not why I made them switch to Peter," his mouth a sneer, then breaking in pain, "I fucked up big time Moony."
Remus found himself rushing to his friend – his once companion, "No one knew…"
In a surge of grief Sirius exploded, "I should have known!" But deflated again, "I never wanted to fail, I didn't want to give them a reason to kill you." He moved to brush the fringe off of Remus' forehead without thinking, and quickly retracted his hand; "I was so selfish."
Trying hard to ignore the raw confession burning into his chest, Remus continued his support, "We all trusted, and underestimated, Peter."
But Sirius was off on another faucet, "I love them so much; James, Lily and Harry."
"I know, me too," Remus quietly agreed.
"And you," Sirius locked eyes with him this time. It was Remus who panicked then; turning away quickly to avoid the bold emotion, but Sirius refused to let him pull away grabbing hold of his wrist, "Do you?"
Remus squeezed his eyes shut and stopped fighting. "I never stopped," his voice strained, "Twelve years and I never stopped. Through everything I never stopped, could never've stopped even as I hated you and mourned them."
Sirius let his grip slip and head sink; "I'm so sorry Moony."
He shook his head, turning back. He couldn't take the apologies, he couldn't take them coming from the once powerful and proud Sirius Black. He couldn't take how HE should be the one to give them, begging for forgiveness.
"Remus, forgive me," he was desperate now, far less controlled than before; then he had an audience, he had rage and revenge. Now it was just them. He looked exposed and innocent and scared: a true rarity.
"Stop!" the outburst surprised them both, "I can't take you apologising like this," Remus' eyes begged and pleaded, desperate to find the illusion they once touched, "You never did anything!"
"I made you believe that I could!" Sirius snapped back.
There was twelve years of anger, regret and doubt twisting between them: A tension that could no longer be ignored…
Sirius broke into his laugh again, Remus could only smile and shake his head.
"We're chasing our tails here," he laughed with a wicked grin of youth, and closed the distance between them, melding his mouth to Remus'.
A mesh of chapped lips and slippery tongues. Fumbling and reckless; breaking all illusions that time and memory build with harsh reality – they had aged and changed, grown in strange and twisted ways – it wasn't the same. It was unnerving like a first kiss in its missed steps, but without the promise of being fresh and unspoiled.
Remus pulled away, leaving them both befuddled.
"I'm sorry. I just wanted to go home again," Sirius hung his head, rejected, realising how far away from the Them he really was.
But Remus still smiled, through grey splashed hair and wary scars; bringing his fingers under Sirius' chin, he raised his head insuring their eyes met. "It wouldn't matter how many times you say you're sorry, or how many years we can't get back…you'll always be home with me."
To prove his point, Remus leaned in to meet Sirius' lips. The angle different, the tongues asking for entrance, the moves slower and more careful. It was different, and somehow familiar, but the throaty moan from Sirius attested to home finally being found.
End.