Chapter 1:Distracted

Disclaimer:I am not Stephenie Meyer, but I enjoy her books and have no intention of making money by writing a story based on her characters.

BPOV

The alarm startled me awake. I was surprised, because I had been thoroughly immersed in my dream. In it I had gone to the movies with Jake and made fun of the horribly unrealistic effects, which was sort of what had actually happened. In reality, after we left the movie early due to Mike's upset stomach, we had had a serious conversation about how I'm not quite ready for a relationship. In this dream, however, HE was there, as a phantasm, encouraging me to move on and try to be happy -for HIS sake. HE couldn't be happy if I wasn't. It was very vivid and I disliked its ending. The mood it left was like a strange aftertaste that wouldn't go away.

Crazy subconscious! I wondered what it meant. I clutched my well worn quilt tightly as I thought. Could I ever truly let HIM go? I doubted it. It all felt so wrong without HIM. But HE said that HE didn't want me and I had to go on without HIM. I was left with no choice in the matter.

I decided to get on with my morning so I could check on Jake. He seemed like he was getting sick when he dropped me off. I hoped he wasn't getting what Mike had. Mike couldn't enjoy the movie we were watching for running to the restroom. He didn't say, but from the sickly smells he was emitting, I'd guess it was from both ends. No one wants that. I should probably check on him too, I thought.

I got dressed, brushed my tresses, whipped my hair into a bun, and scurried down the stairs to call Jake before I started my breakfast. Billy answered in a quiet voice and said that Jake was sick and I should avoid the house for a while. He sounded extremely distracted and that worried me, but he assured me that he and his friends on the Rez could handle things.

I made a list of things to do after breakfast and put calling Mike's mom on the top of the list. He was still quite sick, she told me. I offered to run errands for her or fill in at the store, but she also had things covered. It seemed like I had the day to myself. I dropped the yellow pencil in the drawer and put the "to do" pad in with it after carefully ripping off the list I had made. There's just something about crossing off things from a list that's satisfying.

I started laundry and swept and mopped. I finished my homework, then I made a turkey sandwich. I looked down at the crumbs on my plate as an uncomfortable feeling waved through my entire digestive track. It was the distinct feeling of the entire tract twisting from top to bottom. "Ugh! Now I've got it too," I said to myself. "I really hate being sick."

I spent the rest of the weekend in the bathroom. I even made a bed of towels on the floor for part of the time. Charlie checked on me regularly, but kept leaving for the convenience store down the street and around the corner, since we only had the one bathroom. He made sure I had something to drink every hour or so.

It seemed to let up by Sunday evening. I woke up to find that Charlie had carried me to my bed. I slowly sat up and I felt much better. It must have been a 24-hour bug. I thought I'd be able to go to school the next morning. I was still wearing the same jeans and tee-shirt from Saturday morning that I had been cleaning in so I got cleaned up and changed into pajamas and threw on a robe to go downstairs.

I called to check on Jake but Billy said he was still too sick. Not the flu. Possibly mono. He'd have to rest a while and have no visitors. He asked me not to call for a few days to keep the house quiet. I asked if I could run any errands for him, but he said Harry and Sue Clearwater were dropping off supplies for them. I was glad they were being cared for, but I wanted something to do to help.

I lamented to myself, "A whole week without my best friend! A whole week to stew over that dream!" I wasn't pleased with that. Spending time with Jacob helped me keep from thinking too much about HIM and how much I missed THEM.

I shouldn't be so selfish.

Life continued as normal minus the time I would have spent with Jake. That means that I moped when I wasn't doing homework or cleaning. I stared off into nowhere, slightly dazed, often.

School was particularly hard. Mike wouldn't let up with the questions and comments. He wondered about the kind of company I kept. He pondered aloud at lunch, one day, about what my type was comparing and contrasting Jake and HIM. He seemed to be oblivious to my discomfort. But then again, maybe he didn't really care. He was probably too jealous to do so. He had seemed hurt that I hadn't held his offered hand at the theatre, but I didn't take Jake's either. I wouldn't be ready for that for a while. Why would I want to hurt either of them by leading them on by dating when I'm not sure about how to care for anyone else?

Broken. That's all I was.

Angela and Ben could see my distress. By the time Jessica started adding her two cents, they started asking about stories from hikers in the woods. I zoned out. I hadn't been to work in a few days and so had nothing to add. Honestly, I probably had been too much in a haze to notice the hikers' stories. I wasn't really at work anymore than my mind was here in the cafeteria with my friends. Distraction carried me far from the table where I was seated. I just kept thinking about the two young men who had said they loved me.

At home, Charlie watched me surreptitiously, worried that zombie mode might return. I thought I was doing well with that until I overheard Charlie arguing with Billy on the phone on Friday. Apparently, he had seen Jake with some other kids at a shop in La Push that afternoon. They were arguing about what kind of relationship we were having and Charlie was worried what would happen if I found out one of those friends was Leah Clearwater. Billy seemed to assure him that I had been very clear about my intentions and Jake was free to befriend anyone he so desired. His side of the conversation was loud enough for me to hear as I put away supper dishes, though Charlie tried to keep his voice lowered.

At first I was hurt that he hadn't called to say he was feeling better, but I was glad he was up to doing more. He had been spending a lot of time with me lately, maybe he needed to catch up with his other friends. Maybe he had been running errands and just ran into them, though. That could have happened. Maybe he had only just started feeling better, but that didn't explain why Billy was being so defensive to Charlie on the phone.

Billy has been so strange when talking to me lately too. His answered where terse and had a tinge of distaste. I wondered what was going on to make him behave so out of character. He's always been so kind to us. I know he and Charlie argue over many things, but he's always been courteous to me. Even when he was warning me about spending time with THEM. It felt like he was hiding something more.

I continued to think about all the evasiveness. There could be many reasons. I shouldn't get so worked up or worried about it. I just needed to relax and give Jacob the same courtesy of restraint and time that he said he would give me regarding waiting on pushing forward with any kind of relationship with me.

The words of their conversation kept going over and over in my mind. It almost didn't make sense that Charlie was being confrontational about it. Something was bringing out the over-protective dad out of him. I was missing something from what they were saying. Then I realized how obvious it was.

"Leah?" I thought. "Jake and Leah?" It made my stomach hurt. I had spent all week convincing myself not to mope because Jake would wait for me until I healed -even though I told him I wasn't worth it. I guess I believed him when he argued that I was worth waiting for. Well, is that how a guy waits? With another girl? Stupid hope! Why was I even hoping? Why couldn't I make up my mind? Was there a point to hope?

So much for me not being a normal teen aged girl. Renee had be wrong. This had to prove that something about me was tapped into the universal teen drama line.

I started to reel from remembering my last conversation with HIM. I thought, maybe HE wasn't referring to vampires when HE talked about HIS kind being easily distracted. Maybe HE meant males. Maybe all males are so easily tossed about with desire. How would I ever make it in this world, human or otherwise? With that thought my stomach dropped, the world spun, and then it all went black.

A/N

This is my first fanfic. I have been reading many on this site and other fanfic sites as well. I wanted to just try one, so I guess that's part of the theme, I Tried being the title. I have found trying to stick to cannon harder than I thought it would be. I guess it's easier to color outside the lines. Another extension of that theme is I tried writing this as a partial Jacob/Bella fic, but I just couldn't do it. Bella is too committed to Edward in my mind. I just couldn't do it. I don't have this completed yet, but I'm getting further along.

Also, please note that for a few chapters Edward and the Cullens won't be referred to by name in keeping with the writing of New Moon.

Thanks,

JaelSarjenka