My chest...it really fucking hurts. It feels like my fucking heart is trying to cave in on itself in the slowest way it can. Placing my hand above my heart does nothing, and no sort of medication helps it either. I just have to sit here in the dark with my eyes closed hunched over in my chair until it goes away.

I've never had this happen to me before; it started happening right after I began to go back through this John Human's timeline and watch his life at random stages. Every time...every fucking time I start watching him, this aching feeling in my chest starts growing until I can barely fucking breath. This is so fucking stupid.

What the hell kind of a leader am I if I let this sort of shit keep happening to me? Yeah, the pain goes away when I stop watching the videos, but what else am I supposed to do on this chunk of rock surrounded by these idiotic assholes?

I can't take this pain any longer; I have to turn off this computer and go for a walk or something. Even when I take a break, sometimes my eyes and the shadows of the room will play tricks on me...and I swear I can see him standing there smiling at me. I swear at myself and shake my head, knowing it's not real. Knowing that he really isn't standing in the same room as me.

But why does this happen...? Why now, and why him of all living things that I've ever encountered? It makes no sense, and it's really pissing me off. Maybe I'm getting sick or something, but whatever it is needs to stop.

Sometimes I'll play along with the tricks and stand there and look at him, or close my eyes and for a moment...it's weird but, I actually do see him, sometimes even feel him next to me. But when I open my eyes...he's gone. Then I swear at myself for being so fucking stupid to let myself be fooled into actually thinking that pink monkey is actually here with me.

It's happening again. Right now as I stand here in the dark room with only the computer screen as a light source, I can see him standing across the room wearing this light blue shirt and blue pants smiling at me. If I take one step forward...he's still standing there and...smiling more? Maybe it's another trick of the light.

A few more steps, and I'm right in front of him. He isn't disappearing as fast as he normally does, which is weird. I can only stand there and look at him for several minutes, blinking often to see if it is just a trick of the lighting or my mind.

Curiosity will kill me, but I can't help it; I have to raise my hand and touch his chest, to see if there's any solidity to this form before me.

But my hand stops short...I just...I just can't do it...fuck me for being so fucking weak. I close my eyes and will him away. Just go away...please. I've heard of having to fight off ghosts, but this is just nuts.

"John...you're not real. You're a fucking figment of my imagination. Just-" I open my eyes a half second later

to

….nothing.

He's gone again, just like always. That's when the anger wells up within me, and I can feel my eyes sting with tears. I have to ball my hand into a fist and bite my lip to keep from crying.

Fuck.

Fuck this.

Fuck everything.

Why does this always have to happen?

Why do I...

Why do I always wind up...

Alone?

A/N: Thinking about how much I hate Valentine's Day, being alone, and listening to "Asleep" by Emily Browning gave me this idea for a short Karkat Drabble. Seems like when my emotions get to a certain degree of sadness I get ideas for sad Karkat Drabbles...