Mother, May I?
Warnings: If anything, language, violence, attempted suicide, and a bit of gore.
Disclaimer: I claim no rights to Final Fantasy or any of its characters. All I did was write a little story about them.
Summary: Jenova has only ever really given him pain. Sweet words to do her bidding, taken away and replaced with anger and hate the moment he makes the slightest mistake. A mother's love replaced with venom, and tossed aside for the love of another. The obsession is torture. But he's always been a masochist.
Mother, May I?
How does it feel?
Hmph. Can I even describe it?
She's inside me. In every part of me. She gave me life, and she can take it back at any second, just as easily. Everything she is flows through me. She controls me. She owns me. There's a fine line between love and hate. That's what I've heard, anyway. But I believe it. With every little piece of myself I believe it. I love her. She is Mother. She is life. She is perfection. She is everything. But oh, how I hate her. Which is more? The love or the hate?
Hmph. You know… I really couldn't answer that. I don't even know myself.
But I have this burning need for her. So I keep looking for her. And every time I feel I'm getting closer, I just get led in circles again and again until I'm farther away than when I started. And then it starts. Every time, it starts. I hear her. And she's screaming that HE would've found her by now. That HE wasn't weak and blind and useless and pathetic and how DARE she compare me to HIM when I've been pulling my hair out trying to be everything she wants me to be?
It's an obsession I never asked for.
I look like him. I'm well aware of that. I'm part of him. I wouldn't exist without him. But I'm not him.
I'm NOT him.
I'M NOT HIM!
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!
I'm ME, damn it!
But ME was just never fucking good enough for her. She wants HIM. So then, why do I keep doing this? It's torture. Doing everything I can only to hear how wonderful HE is. To be praised for getting her closer to having HIM back. It's torture. But I've always been a masochist.
And the headaches. I can't even describe them. It's like I'm stuck in a hollow room, and the screaming echoes and surrounds me. And it's so loud it feels like my head will burst off in any moment, and the screams would STILL be echoing. Sometimes they get so bad I can't move much. And my brothers… well, they wouldn't really know what to do. They've tried to help. They do their best. Loz, he'll sit and watch me, whimpering as his bottom lip trembles before he reaches a hand out and timidly asks me if I'm alright. He never touches me though. He tried once. I'd been curled into a ball on the floor. Blood was dripping down from my ears and nose from the intensity of the screams I heard. I think at some point I started seizing a bit, but I'm not sure. That's just what they've told me. Loz, he reached a hand out and gently touched my shoulder. But just as he did, she'd started screaming again, and I screaming from the pain of her voice clawing my mind. He's been scared since then. He probably thinks it was him that hurt me. I guess I'm partially to blame for it. After all, I never told him it wasn't his fault.
Yazoo, he's different. He'll sit and watch silently. His eyes full of pity, curiosity, and sometimes I could swear I see envy in them. He resents me sometimes. I think the pain I get dealt makes him happy. He never understood what was so special about me. Hell, I never understood it either. I never asked for this. I never asked to be the leader. I didn't want any part. All I wanted was Mother. Of course, that came with a price. And Yazoo, he knows I didn't ask for this. So he'll wait until the more severe parts of the fits stop, then he'll stand and walk over to me. He'll crouch down beside me and hug me to his chest, silently trying to sooth me until her voice is nothing more than a venomous whisper at the back of my mind.
I've thought of suicide before. Just to rid my mind of her. To thwart her plan of any reunion with her precious Sephiroth. I tried it once, too. I was so angry with her. So ready to be rid of her and move on. Even if I couldn't go where everyone else did when they died, at least I wouldn't have to hear HER anymore. I had taken Souba and shoved it through my body. It hurt, but not nearly as much as she did. I can still remember the exact sounds of the steel ripping through leather, piercing flesh, and biting through me until it came out the other side. And as unceremoniously as I'd thrust the blade in, I pulled it out. I think I was fascinated, watching my own blood pour from my body onto my feet. I remember vaguely touching the wound and laughing maniacally when I realized I could put my hand inside my body. I could touch my organs. I could feel them spazzing. And when I pulled it out again, my hand was covered in blood, and I smiled. I could have been dying and I smiled. And then there was a yell, and a cure material was working its magic on me. Putting me back together as I still stood there laughing. I got his insanity. That much was evident.
It just made me angrier.
But I keep going. I keep doing what she says. I keep trying to find her, to bring HIM back. That's what she wants. And I'm only here to serve her. I'm only here because of her. No matter how I hate or love her, it's of no consequence. She doesn't care. And I know that. It's my sweet torture. To catch the smallest taste of what I crave, then have it put just out of my reach, leaving me to starve without it. It's torture.
But I've always been a masochist.
The first fanfiction I've written in quite some time. I hope it entertained.
Comments, questions, and reviews are welcome.
Thank you for reading.
Creature Creature