Please note that this is meant to be completely humorous, and not meant to call out anyone in particular. This fic is a short story that was meant to be a parody of the show,and should in no way be taken seriously.
Since most fandoms have one or two fics that have an undeniable Mary Sue as the main character, I figured ours should too. I've yet to see a fic in this fandom that is as atrocious as this fic is, so that's a plus for us.
Also! None of the descriptions of race is meant to be offensive. I realize that this something a bit touchy, but I tried to do it as tastefully as possible. Please realize, though, that EVERYTHING in this fic is cheesy.
Hopefully, it's funny.
MacGyver swaggered into the Phoenix Foundation's main briefing room. Patricia Thornton, a slightly stand-offish woman in her late thirties, was already waiting. Jack walked in after MacGyver yawning and cracking his knuckles at the same time. MacGyver grabbed a paperclip from the large bowl that was sitting in the middle of the table. He began to make it into a really cool shape as he talked to Thornton. "Yo boss lady, what's the mission?"
Thornton barely spared him a glance as she motioned to the dark corner. The corner was so dark that it was as black as night, even though the sun was shining through the large glass window. MacGyver stared at the corner, unable to see anything wrong with it. "What's so special about that corner?"
Suddenly, from the corner (of course), emerged a beautiful girl. She was wearing a hot pink outfit, complete with bright purple shoes that were uber sparkly. She smiled at MacGyver, flipping her long, platinum blonde hair over one lily-white shoulder. Jack leaned on his friend's shoulder, looking at her with disbelief. "What's your name?"
The girl looked at him with distaste. "Ew, it's you! You dated my mom! I hated you!"
Jack looked at her with suspicion. "Wait, that sounds-"
MacGyver interrupted him, finally having closed his mouth after letting it hang open in awe for twenty minutes at the beautiful woman in front of him (time had slowed down when she became visible. It had been an hour since they entered the room.). "Tragic? You're right, Jack. That's horrible. You should be ashamed of yourself."
Jack looked affronted- and somewhat confused. He opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off by the strange girl. She spoke again, full red lips standing out against her tan skin and accenting her Hispanic features. She toyed with a thick braid of black hair that tapered into a point as she spoke. "Thank you, sir, for understanding my pain. After Jack left, my backstory became horrible and tragic, and one that I shall not explain, because the author can't really think of anything at the moment. Don't worry, though, I'm sure it'll come up somewhere."
As if she hadn't just broken the fourth wall (broken? More like obliterated), the girl extended a hand for MacGyver to shake. He brought it to his lips instead, bending over it gallantly, just like a knight of old.
Jack was confused. He was pretty sure that the girl had changed ethnicities and appearances multiple times in the conversation, as she now was a redhead and had freckles dotting her face. Also, the MacGyver he knew wasn't a complete idiot.
MacGyver introduced himself. "I'm MacGyver."
The girl giggled, lifting one dark hand to her lips. Jack blinked. Now she gave off the impression of a strong warrior from the ancient tribes of Africa, imbued with their grace and skill. She said, "Angus is a wonderful name, Mr. MacGyver. Mine is Rose Lily Felicia Zarie Alianora Parie Maryanna Suelicianna Smith."
MacGyver said, a blush rising on his wonderful face, "Even though I dislike the name Angus, I will raise no objection to you calling me this."
Jack felt incredulous. He turned to Patricia, who had been standing as if she was a statue in order to not detract from this woman who was the Strong Female Character of the story. She became mobile again when Jack addressed her. "Patty, who is this person?"
Thornton replied, mechanically, "She is your new team member. Riley is back in prison, because she would detract from Rose's amazingness. I am about to leave, because I would detract from Rose's amazingness."
With that, she left.
Jack stared after her in disbelief. Was he the only one acting sensible around here? As the man glanced over at Mac and Rose, who had moved on from the flirting part and were now gazing romantically out the window, he concluded grimly, yes.
Suddenly, the window was shattered! An army of ninjas swung through the shattered glass, shattering the glass even more, as well as shattering the quiet aura of the room. Rose got to her feet from where she had been knocked when the ninjas had swung through the window (and shattered the glass) and glanced down at Angus, who was lying still on the ground, a thin trickle of blood running tragically from his temple. Rose pointed at the ninjas, shouting dramatically as she ignored the logic of her being conscious while MacGyver was not, despite him being twice her size (she was petite and calm, the picture of perfection, a modern-day Mulan), "I will avenge my love!"
Jack watched in disbelief as the tiny, pale-skinned, brown-haired, with eyes the color of sunbeams reflecting off a no-whipped-cream-soy-lite-venti-two-shots-caramel-three-mocha-frappucino-with-extra-chocolate-shavings-frappucino-from-Starbucks took down the entire army of ninjas.
And by army, I mean army. There were forty or fifty of them, and she moved in a blur, her strawberry blonde hair accenting her icy blue orbs perfectly, her eyeliner on point and her lipstick fleek, even in the midst of battle.
When the last ninja had been disposed of, she turned to her love, who had begun to rise, with a dazed expression on his face. He was clutching his head, and Rose said, "No, Angus, sit. I have disposed of the ninjas while Jack watched uselessly."
Jack thought, you're darn right I watched uselessly. I was hoping one of 'em would get a lucky hit in.
His wishes were granted when a knife suddenly appeared in the girl's heart. It should've killed her instantly, but she had time for a few final heartfelt words as she died in the arms of a suddenly kneeling Angus. "I have always loved you, my dear. Never forget me."
Angus sobbed, "I won't."
Rose Lily Felicia Zarie Alianora Parie Maryanna Suelicianna Smith died in the arms of the man she had loved her entire life, despite only knowing him for less than two hours.
There was a moment of silence, and then her body exploded into a giant cloud of pink glitter and golden sparkles.
MacGyver looked up at Jack, a confused look in his eyes. "What... what happened? Why are we at HQ?"
Jack frowned. "No clue. This is-" He looked around, trying to come up with an explanation for the giant mess that was on the floor. "You got hit on the head pretty hard, man. I think you're still hallucinating a bit. We better go get you checked out."
Angus nodded dazedly. "Yeah. Whatever you say, Jack. Just- maybe you could help me walk? All I see is glitter and sparkles and I'm not sure if I trust myself to get to medical without running into something."
Jack wisely didn't mention the fact that his friend had glitter all over his clothes. He simply nodded and helped the blond up. "Let's grab Patty on our way out. I think she got hurt too."
He led his friend out of the briefing room and they headed to medical, collecting their boss along the way. She had been hiding a corner, looking at a wall, and generally acting like a mannequin that was occasionally taken out of storage to serve some minor purpose in a story and then shoved back into a closet when she had served her purpose.
The three made their way to medical, finding, to their surprise, that Riley was also there, getting checked out for a concussion. They compared stories, and decided that in an amazing but strange coincidence, they had all suffered concussions that had led them to hallucinate vividly.
Jack decided not to say anything. He was thankful, for once, that he had suffered so many concussions. He did an amazing job of pretending to be concussed.
He also went back and erased all security footage of that- thing that he could find. Better to be safe than sorry.
I tried to write Jack as cracky. I couldn't. Also, Starbucks frappucinos are amazing. Peppermint ones especially.