Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight, but not Merged Souls
Authors Note: I would like to extend my sincerest thanks to Pienuniek who has been such a strong support and cheerleader she wouldn't let me give up on these stories and encouraged me to revisit each chapter. She is a rock!
Chapter1 BPOV
It's impossible, I feel like ants are crawling under my skin...Edward, Edward. I can't get him out of my mind, he's been gone for over eight months and still my heart yearns for him, for his touch, for his lips for his cool hand caressing my neck. Blah...I can't keep doing this to myself. Jacob asked me to marry him the day after I graduated. Christ I couldn't believe it. He pulled out this tiny and I might add ugly ring during dinner, right in front of Billy and Charlie. He's almost two years younger than I am, yet my Dad and his Dad were thrilled, hell we haven't even gone out on a date! Christ, he kissed me once and I broke a finger when I hit him, how can he see that as love. He goes on and on about I'm his soul mate that we can't live without each other, standing back and just listening he sounds in love with me, but I don't feel anything but revulsion for him, I know another side of him that Charlie and Billy have never seen.
I could never betray Edward like that, I would never settle for Jacob. Jake has changed since Edward left, he used to be a sweet and kind friend who would listen to me as I cried over my lost love, he promised to help me find Edward instead he did everything he could think of to make me believe that Edward never wanted me, that he never loved me and that he would never come back. But as much as I didn't believe him, with that kind of constant reinforcement from your best friend as well as your Dad you start to wonder about what you know in your heart. I'm not stupid, I know what Jake is trying to do to me, and what he did to Edward, but no one believes me except the Cullens, that's why they stayed, when Edward left. To watch over me.
I hate Jacob; he represents everything bad in my world. He lies and manipulates, he chased Edward away with his lies about me. Telling Edward that I was in love with him and that I was sneaking around behind Edward's back to see him because we were lovers. On the surface it may have looked that way. Edward didn't like me hanging out with Jake; he didn't trust him and worried about my safety. But in order to keep Jacob as my childhood friend I had ignored Edward's concerns, I put Jacob's wants ahead of Edwards's feelings. I betrayed him in that I allowed Jacob to manipulate me like a child manipulates
his mother. Jacob had been a kind and unselfish young man whose smile could light up a room and his laughter was infectious, but when he underwent the change to become part of the legendary La Push Wolf Pack he rejected his birthright to lead the pack to be the alpha wolf. Jake didn't tell me this; it was Edward who told me after hearing his thoughts. He said he never wanted the change he never wanted to be a leader but I believe that rejection festered in his soul. And I think it caused him to become a mean and spiteful shadow of his former self. He hated Edward with such dark passion that he did everything he could to make Edward believe that he truly was a monster. That he would only hurt me, and that my affection for him, Jacob, was more than a sister for a brother. Yet Jacob is the true monster, he's ruled by his need to possess me, and his hate of the Cullens and all they possess which includes my love for them and for Edward in particular.
It's ironic that Jake had always called Edward a leech but it was Jake who was the leech. He sucked the warmth out of my life whenever he was around. Even the pack, to which he belonged, hated him. He had recently overthrown Sam in a terrible fight for the Alpha position. Sam had been critically injured, but, since Sam was a werewolf he couldn't be treated in the hospital. So when Jake had left him for dead Seth, Leah and Embry carried Sam to the Cullens. And Carlisle and Esme took him into their home to care for him and Emily, Sam's wife, joined them. Those three wolves and Sam were now separated from the La Push pack; they were loyal to Sam having rejected Jacob as their alpha.
Even my dad, Charlie Swan - Fork's Chief of Police - was ecstatic when Edward had left. He thought I would get over what he called my school girl crush. He genuinely thought I was enamoured of Edward's money and good looks. It surprised me and hurt a little to think that my dad could believe me to be that shallow. But he had always wanted me to marry Jake, his best friend's son. It was his fondest wish, especially since Edward had left me in the woods as he said "broken and alone". Why he had never approved of Edward I don't really know, but I think it was because he knew deep down that Edward
had won my heart completely and I would follow Edward wherever he led. But that's not all; Edward could also care for me and give me whatever I wanted, though his money was never important to me. I think him being rich and able to do for me what my Dad couldn't made Charlie uncomfortable and he was afraid of losing me. Jake was the safest option in his mind, he was tied to his dad Billy and La Push which he wouldn't leave and so Charlie would always have me around. I felt betrayed by my father; I was desolate without my true love. So I should have felt isolated and alone, but I wasn't alone. Every night Alice Cullen snuck into my bedroom telling me of Edward's love for me, how the Cullen's would never leave me and that Edward would come back, that he couldn't live without me for long. And we planned and plotted on how to get Edward to come home sooner...And how to rid me of Jacob.
Alice still sees me married to Edward in the future and I want that more than anything. In the vision we're always happy and I was one of them, a vampire. The vision had never changed even after Edward left, it was still my future and I wanted it. However there was always a blurring or shadow present in thevisions just off to the side of either Edward or I but it never changed how happy we were. What it was Alice didn't know and she didn't feel it as a threat, so I just hung onto the thought of a future with Edward.
The only roadblock to that future that I could see was Jacob Black and the part of the pack that he ruled with an iron fist and a twisted sense of justice! The pack that kept me under constant surveillance; Seth, Leah and Embry were my only allies. Helping Alice to get to me through the La Push packs nightly patrols around my house. Seth, Embry and Leah were renegades, outcasts living with the Cullen's. Hoping that Sam would survive and that they could find a way to bring Jake down.
Every night while I waited for Alice I thought about what had happened to Jacob, Edward and I. I don't know if it was Jake's transformation that changed him or not, but in hind sight I always gave Jacob more leeway. And I, in truth, allowed him to manipulate me. I would make excuses for him. Chastise Edward for criticizing Jake. Perhaps because he is younger than me, perhaps because he never had a mother figure and I always gravitate towards that "take care of others "role. I was wrong to do that, I feel like I made him what he is today. I allowed him to drive Edward away with his lies. I've never seen
or felt what Jake sees in our relationship, all I saw was friendship. He said he saw love, even helping him with his home work he saw it as a desire to be with him. A touch to his hand or arm he saw as a desire to be with him sexually. Even when I raced him once to the top of the cliffs to watch him dive into the ocean he saw my breathlessness as lustful desire.
I never realized he was thinking like that, but Edward knew what he was thinking. Duh, mind reader! How could he not and he even told me what he heard, but I told him he was wrong. I told the mind reader that what he was getting first hand was wrong! Now how stupid is that! But there were other clues I could have picked up on. Edward saw them, and even when he pointed them out to me I would get angry and accuse him of trying to control my life. I would defend my attention to Jacob because he needed me...
Oh god, how could I not see what I was doing I drove Edward away just as much as Jacob did. But Alice reminded me that Jacob used me to do that. He manipulated me and took advantage of my good nature. But in my heart I still felt I drove Edward away...But why? I knew it was because I didn't believe that I deserved Edward.
"Oh god Edward, why did I never grant you the same privileges I did Jacob. I bullied and manipulated you. I always told you that we were out of balance that you brought so much more to our relationship than I did. But you were right I never saw myself as I should have. I always saw the good in Jake and never the bad and I always wanted to help him. But I never saw Jacob for what he was; you always treated me as an adult despite the fact that sometimes we both made foolish unilateral decisions. I never trusted the respect you showed me, I never trusted what we had. But it wasn't YOU I didn't trust, I didn't trust ME to be enough for you ...You deserved more, you deserved better than me, but it was me you wanted, and I didn't trust you to know your own mind. Jacob was a child...correction he still is a child, and he can't even begin to comprehend true love".
"Bells, Bells...BELLA!" Charlie came storming up the stairs panting "Jake's here, ...hope you're ready to go, he's waiting in the car so you better get a move on, you don't want to keep him waiting." Charlie was yelling up the stairs like it was a matter of life or death.
I was sitting on the edge of my bed fingering the ear of a very old teddy bear, circa 1910, yes it was Edward's. Alice had found it in his room and brought it to me."Dad I'm not going, I already told you and Jake both, so leave me alone." I turned on my CD to listen once again to Edward's recording of my Lullaby; Alice had found all my hidden birthday gifts. They were all that kept me from being catatonic. That and the memories I had of Edward telling me he loved me, and these hidden gifts just proved that he still loved me, even when he left he couldn't take them away or destroy them. He left them under a loose floor board in my closet.
Charlie stormed up the stairs and slammed my door open. He had a big smile on his face until he saw what I was doing then he came over and ripped my ear buds out and yelled: "Damn it Bella, Jake came all the way out here expecting you to be ready to go out with him, the least you can do is put something pretty on, and come down and apologize for being late and rude. And you need to throw this trash away, that Cullen kid is not coming back, he doesn't want you Bells, he was using you but when you didn't give him what he wanted, he dumped you. Jake is better for you, healthier. He can make you happy and he'll give you a full life! You need to stop this day dreaming and start planning your wedding. I've given Jacob my permission ...yeah I mean my blessing to marry you," Charlie was so red in the face I thought he'd stroke.
I glared up at Charlie, turned my CD off and put it away along with Edward's bear. My relationship with Charlie was on the down slope ever since he became a card carrying member of Team Jacob. He was nauseating in his praise of Jacob. From he's the best fisherman in La Push to his love of Literature, apparently he won the a writing prize at his school ... Yeah I won that prize for him, he had bullied me into writing it for him, to get his dad off his back about school work. However what he didn't know was that the prize had been rescinded, when his English teacher said it was beyond the work he had
been producing in school and Jacob was unable to defend the content of the essay.
The Jacob that Charlie knew was always careful how he acted; Charlie never heard the constant threats Jacob made, that he would hurt the Cullens, or the verbal abuse that he spewed towards me. Nor did he see the bruises where Jacob had grabbed me to emphasize his point or when I tried to move away from him. But something had put Charlie on edge tonight, like he might be just a little bit afraid of Jacob, and he looked at me with pleading eyes and clenched fists. Then he calmed down and reached out his hand like he would put it on my head. "Come on Bells the guy loves you, do you think you can do
better, look at how easy it would be for all of us...Bella, all I ask is that you consider it, just please don't piss him off, okay." Charlie hurt me when he questioned whether I could do better. Yeah I could do better and his name was Edward! I took a deep breath and spoke loud enough so that Jacob would hear me: "No Dad I won't, I told both you, Billy and Jake I'm not dating anyone, I'm not marrying anyone and yes I can do better than Jacob Black. You all know how I feel about Jacob, I will not be a pawn in this farce any longer; I don't love him, I will not date him, and I most certainly will not marry him!"
I loved my Dad so with the most pleading look I could muster I asked: "Please Dad, just this once listen to me ...I LOVE EDWARD, no one else, and he WILL be back for me!" I truly believed that, Alice told me every night that he was getting closer to returning, that being apart was hard on both of us; Edward would come back for me and bring me into his forever. Charlie just shook his head and turned to leave, slamming my door behind him and mumbling: "Over my dead body".
With that I heard the front door open and I thought heard Jacob and Charlie talking and Jacob's voice sounded angry, then I heard them coming up the stairs. Charlie cleared his throat just outside my door, but Jacob just hushed him saying: "I'll take care of this Charlie, it's just PMS or something, Bells will be fine, go back downstairs I'll take care of this old man." I raced to my door throwing the lock in place ... Jacob knocked, and very quietly whispered: "If you don't open the door, I will catch that pixie bloodsucker on one of her trips to see you and torch the disgusting leech!" Damn, now what could I do, how did he know about Alice, I can't let him in; and if he touches me or Alice I'll find a way to kill him,... I swear I will, I won't take it any longer.
Jacob rattled the door again then pushed into it breaking the lock and pushing the door open. He stood there with a sick sneer on his face, and deadly black eyes. I could tell he wasn't in a mood to talk. He took one step forward laughing at the look on my face, he had me and he knew it. Where could I go, he was finally going to break me... Unless I beat him to it, I had one escape and that was out the window. The fall was maybe 20 feet, I'd survive but I'd need to be taken to the hospital. Then Carlisle would be able to care for me and protect me. I would need his help to make Charlie see what was happening. I had to get away from this brute! What's the worst that could happen, I'd die...but I was dead already without Edward.
As I backed up towards the window the sneer disappeared and in its place was the face I had once loved as a brother. The face that wanted me to hold him, and tell him it would be alright... Yeah right buddy, well I'm onto you now. Leaning against the open window sill I took one last look at him, and my Dad who was peering over his shoulder in horror. I smiled and then let myself fall. Within seconds the area beneath my window had become my bed and as I slipped into darkness the air around me erupted with snarls and growls. But I can hear HIS voice in the distance, he's coming for me, he wants me to wait for him, and in my mind I call to him: "I will wait for you my love, I will keep my heart beating for you", the last word I utter out loud before the darkness claims me is: "Edward".