Stephen Jr, a pokémon fanfic

Prompt: "Anons, I have but one simple request: Tell me the tale of Stephen Colbert and his Braviary.

Bonus EXP if someone smart (Cheren, Shauntal, Lucian, etc.) watches The Colbert Report regularly.

MY SOUL for someone challenging him to a battle in the middle of one of his shows."

Pairing: none (Colbert & Braviary)

URL: thread=5683468#t5683468

Format for the URL is pokanon[dot]livejournal[dot]com[slash]1548[dot]html[question mark], followed by the above thread equals etc.

A/N: I had so much fun writing this, and with any luck you'll have fun reading it. I think the creator of this prompt deserves a medal.

The clock clicked its last digit forward to read 11:30. Marking his place carefully, Lucian set his book aside and reached for the remote. The modest television flipped on to show the tail end of an ad, and Lucian settled more comfortably into the armchair and waited for the program to begin.

"Tonight!" came the first shout as Stephen Colbert whirled to face the camera. The banner beneath his image read, Wargle Wars. "Conservationalists say Braviary are in danger of extinction. I say this lie is the work of tree-hugging liberalionalists.

The banner switched to Plasmaaaaa! "Then, a behind-the-scenes look at the criminal organization Team Plasma. A group of guys in knight costumes who probably aren't living up to their parents' expectations? Sounds to me more like a renaissance fair."

This time, Mystery Man. "And my guest is a man who hides his true identity while following young Trainers around." Colbert leaned forward to the camera and half-whispered. "While I'm interviewing him, somebody call the police!"

He swiveled in his chair as another camera pulled down for a different angle. "Breeders are charging extra for taking care of large Pokémon, but if you drop off a Skitty and a Wailord, things should balance out. This—is the Colbert Report!"

A trumpet intro played as a CGI Braviary dove with sound of a guitar slide, revealing Colbert standing against a patriotic background filled with catchphrases and adjectives. Holding an American flag, the onscreen Colbert leapt over the words "CAUGHT 'EM ALL," looking dramatically at the camera before landing in a giant stadium. The Braviary shrieked and flew at the screen with talons outstretched, and the camera cut back to the studio, where the audience was cheering wildly.

"Thank you, ladies and gentleman!" Colbert smiled and raised her arms as if to quell the crowd. "Please, sit down! Folks, great to have you with us, in here out there..." Gradually the applause and chanting died down. "Nation, it's no secret that I'm not a fan of Pokémon Centers." The audience chuckled. "Their free care of Trainers' Pokémon is just another form of socialized medicine. But a recent news report indicates there may be hope for saving the Centers from the reds." He gestured at the camera with his pen. "Jim?"

"News today about the deal negotiations between the Pokémon Centers and the Poké Marts," said the anchorwoman on the tape. "The financial merger is in fact also a physical merger, as each town's Poké Mart will now operate inside the Pokémon Center." The clip flashed to a slightly later segment. "Some have suggested this is also a way for the Marts to attract business after their recent quarterly losses, owing to an underground, so-called item trading ring."

"Yes," said Colbert as the audience laughed. "Clearly a couple of kids meeting on weekends to exchange items they probably bought from the Marts are ruining the industry. In any case, I am all for this merger, since it will serve as a kind of charge for using the Pokémon Center. But wait a minute..." A look of consternation crossed his face, and he put a finger to his lips. "Poké Marts sell items that heal Pokémon, don't they? That means if Trainers buy from them, they'll stay away from the Pokémon Centers longer, and business will actually decrease!

"Clearly, the solution is for to the Marts to sell harmful items, thereby speeding up the kids' return to the Centers." The audience laughed. "They will then buy more items and continue the cycle." Colbert appeared satisfied with the plan, and faced another camera for the next segment.

"Nation," said Colbert. "I gotta tell you, out of all the birds that look like American flags, Braviary is my favorite." Titters among the audience. "That's why I was shocked to discover that the species may be in danger."

An image of a news article came onscreen, entitled 'Decline In Braviary Population.' "According to the Bureau of Pokémon Studies, or bops"—more chuckles—"the numbers of Braviary are in decline." Text in the article to back up the point. "In fact, this species are almost in danger of becoming endangered." Colbert nodded. "Oh, yes. It's statements like that which really get people to think about thinking about the possibility of maybe doing something sometime."

"But I," he raised his voice over the audience's laughter, "I will not stand by as our nation's most patriotic oversized chickens dwindle in number! That's why the Colbert Report is launching Operation Save-iary, an initiative to help conservation of our starry striped eagles." A bar graphic appeared with a number and the word 'SAVE-IARY' on it. "You can text this to 46388, or log on to , to donate. And remember, every penny counts—although donations are minimum five dollars, so I guess every five hundred pennies count. But, nation, it's time for us to step up and do our part! We can save 'em all! Come on!"

The audience cheered and applauded heartily. Colbert smiled but appeared distracted a moment later as he put his hand to his ear. "What's that?" he said as the crowd's burgeoning chant of USA, USA died out. "I've just received word that rumors of Braviary's in-danger-of-endangerment may be exaggerated. Jim?"

A clip played of an anchorman for some network. Trouble brewing over the supposedly endangered Braviary species may in fact be false, said the man. The video cut to a interviewee who said, A lot of the number they're putting out there are trumped-up... The idea is if birds are dying then you'll buy their theories about climate change- Another cut back to the newscaster. Real figures for the so-called decline put annual drops in the Braviary population at -10%, meaning the population is actually growing.

"Real figures," repeated Colbert, "from a real source. So I guess we were getting all worked up for nothing." He looked off-camera. "Okay, cancel Operation Save-iary. Jimmy, release the balloons."

A jumble of red, white, and blue balloons tumbled without fanfare onto Colbert's desk, as well as him. "We were going to drop these when Operation Save-iary was completed," he explained as the crowd laughter, "but what the hell."

He swung his sheaf of papers, knocking some balloons flying at random. "Just of curiosity, what was the source of that information?"

Another document was shown, this one a website with statistics. The page bore the header 'Pokémon Hunters United.'

The audience was amused, but Colbert was not. "What?" he said incredulously. "Pokémon Hunters United? That's like asking Texas for shooting statistics, or the Chinese about decadent Western values! And the guy they interviewed for that report?" A picture of the man was displayed. "This is the chairman of Pokémon Hunters United!

"All right, Operation Save-iary is back on! Jimmy, raise the balloons!" A loud Dustbuster sound played and a fan stirred the balloons weakly, causing none to rise above Colbert's head before floating back down. He grinned in spite of himself, causing the audience to crack up. "It worked in rehearsal," he joked, hiding his smile.

"Folks, we've got more on our hilariously titled conservation initiative coming up, but first we have to take a break." He gestured at the camera. "We'll be right back."

As the applause faded and the now-muted set switched to an ad, Lucian rose from his armchair and went to the laptop lying at a nearby desk. He opened it and quickly composed an e-mail to Aaron, Bertha, Flint, and Cynthia concerning Braviary and included a link to the site for donations. He wasn't planning to donate himself and he didn't expect his fellow League members to, either, but that wasn't a problem. There were far more influential things an Elite Four Trainer—or the Champion for that matter—could do.

Eventually the last advertisement flickered by, and Lucian, already comfortable, restored the sound.

Colbert finished acknowledging the audience's cheering. "It's great that Operation Save-iary is up and running, but sitting here it just doesn't feel like enough. I wanted to do something myself, but I couldn't think of a good place to start." He was standing beside his desk now, certainly a sign of...something about to happen. "I'm happy to announce that I have found a good place to start. And that place is right here!"

Onto the set walked a woman with a magnificent Braviary perched on her arm. Immediately the audience burst into cheers, all on their feet and clapping. "This," said Colbert as the woman helped him transition the bird—and the leather its talons rested on—to his own arm, "is Stephen, Jr." The cheering only grew louder. The Braviary looked out into the crowd of people with intelligent eyes, ruffling its brilliant feathers and adjusting its foothold slightly.

"Stephen, Jr. was left orphaned by illegal poaching, and was raised by the staff at a Safari Zone," said Colbert while close-ups of the eagle continued. "And now I'm taking over. My kids love him, but we haven't yet trained out his habit of carrying them to nests he builds out of shredded clothes so he can feed them by regurgitating mashed Caterpie down their throats." Laughter mixed with groans. "As for flying around the house, he's hardly destroyed any priceless antiques. He even flies at half-mast when you ask him to."

Lucian, if asked, would say he watched The Colbert Report for the witty satire, but right now his sides were absolutely splitting with laughter.

"More videos of Stephen, Jr. are available on colbertnation dot com," said Colbert, smiling broadly while giving the Braviary a tickle under the chin. "I assume cute stuff will happen, like with a kitten; you just film it and it starts doing adorable things sooner or later. So log on and check 'em out!" He held up his arm, and the eagle spread its impressive wingspan and gave a sharp cry. "Stephen, Jr., everybody! We'll be right back!"

This commercial break, Lucian couldn't write any e-mails. He couldn't even get up. He was laughing so hard his glasses were askew; every moment he took a breath he remembered another of Colbert's Braviary jokes.

The audience was thrown for a loop as Colbert did not begin the next segment with 'My guest tonight...' but rather with the Team Plasma logo onscreen. "Folks, we had a great report planned for tonight about the criminal organization Team Plasma, but unfortunately key footage was lost due to an editing error. So instead we're going to play a reel of exciting moments in soccer." A soccer ball appeared in the curve of the logo's P, and the audience's laughter was pointedly uncertain.

"Hold on, Stephen!" came a voice. Stepping onto his own camera was a man with light gray hair and a purple-highlighted suit.

"Steven Stone?" exclaimed Colbert, clearly quite surprised.

"Yes," said the Hoenn Champion while the audience clapped. "You're not playing any soccer reel!"

"But, Steven, what...what are you doing here?" The cameras were cutting back and forth between the two.

"I'm your guest, Stephen." The man grinned. "Remember?"

"Oh please," scoffed Colbert with a don't-give-me-that expression, and the audience chuckled. "Why are you really here, Steven?"

"Well, I heard you were taking care of your own Pokémon, and I had to come by to see firsthand." He drew out a Poké Ball. "I want to see the kind of bond you have with your Pokémon!"

Colbert stared. "Are you challenging me to a battle?"

The audience positively erupted. Their shouts, whistles, and cries of ohmygod yes! made their showing at the program's beginning pale in comparison. They had not been in on this.

"Yes, I am, Stephen!" Steven held the Ball forward. "Do you accept?"

"Bring it on!" Colbert leapt up and strode around the desk to face Hoenn's Champion. "Steven, I accept your challenge!"

A League officiant walked into the frame as the Steph/vens faced off. The audience wasn't still a moment anymore.

"Go, Aggron!" shouted Steven even as Colbert yelled, "I choose Breloom!" The two Pokémon appeared.

"You're a Steel-type Trainer, right, Steven?" Colbert sounded pleased with himself.

"Predicting your opponent's moves; that's excellent!" exclaimed the Champion. "But it's the bond that counts, and that's what we'll see."

"Try this for a bond!" Colbert said dramatically. "Mach Punch!"

Breloom sped forward and slammed a fist into Aggron's jaw, knocking the larger Pokémon off balance with the super-effective strike. Steven quickly recalled the dizzy Pokémon, and sent out a Skarmory. "You're not the only one raising a Flying type!"

Colbert, too, recalled his Pokémon, but no sooner had his Zebstrika hit the field when Steven switched in Claydol. Before the Pokémon could use a Ground-type move, Colbert deftly switched in his Rhydon...right into an Ice Beam.

The crowd gasped as Rhydon was knocked out and declared unable to battle by the official. They cheered as Colbert stood tall and called in his next team member—Wobbuffet.

"Interesting choice, Stephen," said Steven, still in a deliberately theatric way. "Let's see you make something of it!"

He ordered an Earthquake, and Wobbuffet was hit hard by the tremors, but stayed standing. "Now, Counter!" commanded Colbert, and the blue Pokémon summoned two times the force of Claydol's quake and sent it back, knocking the Pokémon out.

Wobbuffet munched on its Leftovers as Steven sent out his next, but the health recovery wasn't enough to save it from Aggron's attack. With Wobbuffet fainted, Steven switched in Zebstrika and got ahead of Aggron with Volt Tackle, taking it down despite the type ineffectiveness.

Lucian was thrilled. The battle was not particularly well-conducted in a technical sense, but the raw feeling and artistry of combat was incredible. He couldn't have imagined such a wonderful surprise on the show.

Steven had sent out Skarmory, perhaps predicting Colbert would switch Zebstrika out, and it was knocked out as well. Next was Cradily, which finished the equine Pokémon off with a strong, regularly-effective move.

Breloom was up again for Stephen, and it ran even with Cradily, until, in a moment no one really expected, both were KO'd by Cradily's Take Down.

"Two left each," remarked Steven. "Are you feeling the pressure, Stephen?"

"Easy so far!" boasted Colbert, looking around Steven's Ferrothorn to see the Champion. "Now, go, Tympole!"

Everyone was confused as out popped a tiny tadpole with a cute face.

Steven regarded it for a moment, then shrugged. "All right, Ferrothorn, Explosion."

The Steel-type Pokémon blew up on the spot, sending itself and the poor Tympole into immediate unconsciousness. Hysterical laughter could be heard not just from the audience but from the cameramen and crew, and Colbert himself was cracking up quite outside of character. The two drew their final Poké Balls and released, in a flash of light, Stephen, Jr. and a Metagross.

"I don't know about this one, Stephen!" called Steven over the screams and similar noise. "Are you sure you don't want to give up!"

"Never!" retorted Colbert in between laughs. "Stephen, Jr. and I will fight to protect our nation until the end!"

"Protect it from what?" The Champion shouted back. "I'm part of the nation!"

"Silence, Commie!" Colbert couldn't keep a semblance of a straight face. "Stephen, Jr., attack with Brave Bird!"

Steven pointed commandingly. "Metagross, use Hyper Beam!"

"What? Hyper Beam? That's no fair!"

"Okay! Metagross, Meteor Mash!"

"He's two years old, Steven, for God's sake!"

"Psychic!"

"Overpowered!"

"Earthquake!"

The Braviary sailed over the Earthquake and struck Metagross full-on, but the metallic creature didn't go down.

"Metagross, enough! Use Meteor Mash now! For..." He spluttered. "For Communism!"

"Stephen, Jr.! Brave Bird, one more time! For America!"

The Metagross lunged, its limb glowing with energy, but the eagle dove around it at the last second and dealt a finishing blow. The officiant declared Metagross unusable in battle, and declared Colbert the winner.

Colbert had to shout to be audible over the crowd. He was grinning hugely. "We're really out of time now, folks, but you can find an actual interview with Champion Steven Stone online at colbertnation dot com." He waved. "Good night!" He turned to shake hands with Steven, the two turned to bow to the audience, and the credits rolled.

"Real figures," repeated Colbert, "from a real source. So I guess we were getting all worked up for nothing." He looked off-camera. "Okay, cancel Operation Save-iary. Jimmy, release the balloons."

He swung his sheaf of papers, knocking some balloons flying at random. "Just of curiosity, what was the source of that information?"

Another document was shown, this one a website with statistics. The page bore the header 'Pokémon Hunters United.'

"Folks, we've got more on our hilariously titled conservation initiative coming up, but first we have to take a break." He gestured at the camera. "We'll be right back."

Eventually the last advertisement flickered by, and Lucian, already comfortable, restored the sound.

Lucian, if asked, would say he watched The Colbert Report for the witty satire, but right now his sides were absolutely splitting with laughter.

"More videos of Stephen, Jr. are available online at colbernation," said Colbert, smiling broadly while giving the Braviary a tickle under the chin. "I assume cute stuff will happen, like with a kitten; you just film it and it starts doing adorable things sooner or later. So log on and check 'em out!" He held up his arm, and the eagle spread its impressive wingspan and gave a sharp cry. "Stephen, Jr., everybody! We'll be right back!"