Completely random and misguided humor lies ahead. You have been forewarned.
For all you really sick ones, I do hope you enjoy this! Oh, yeah, the dark parts won't be until near the end.
There's no way, He thought to himself, that I could catch a cold, mere days before arriving on the island that strawhat brat was last seen!
Tashigi ran through the corridors, tripping and stumbling on her own feet, and nothing in particular, holding a tray of lunch and medicine for Commodore Smoker. The soup sloshed around due to Tashigi's clumsiness, spilling surprisingly little on the tray. She finally reached the Commodore's door hearing a loud 'Uwaaaah-blesh!' from inside. Tashigi gulped, horribly unused to hearing the strong Commodore, let alone seeing him in his current state. She took a deep breath and cautiously knocked on the door. "S-s-smoker! I brought y-your lunch!"
A heavy coughing fit that sounded similar to the words 'Come in' was the only response she received, thus, Tashigi entered the room, tray in hand. She managed not to trip over the air in the floor of the large room before reaching Smoker's bedside. He glared up at her with bloodshot eyes. Well, it looked like a glare, but, Tashigi was sure that he was only agitated with the cold an not with her. That thought in mind, she put on a smile, and calmly sat down in a chair beside Smoker's bed. "Are you feeling any b-better today, Smoker?" Tashigi asked, cautiously watching him sitting up in bed, with the assitance of a few pillows. She placed the tray on his lap, taking his silence as an answer, meaning, 'What the hell do you think?'. Also meaning, his throat was now sore.
"W-well, do you, er, need anything?" She asked, still trying to smile under the pressure of his glare. Smoker motioned for her to move away from the drawers beside his bed, and said in an unusually weak and raspy voice, "I need a damn smoke!" Tashigi quickly jumped up, stumbling towards a set of cabinets, and pulling the chair with her, even though the doctor had told her not to allow him to smoke that much while he was still sick, she didn't feel that much like dying today, despite the fact that she might parish from exhaustion. She zoned off remembering the previous night, when Smoker had a high fever, and that was in every sense of the word 'high', he was completely off his game, and the doctor had Tashigi running to get things for him while his nurse and half the crew were laid up with the same cold.
"Oi! I said, what the hell is this crap?" Smoker's loud, but, still raspy voice pierced through Tashigi's thought causing her to jump. He gestured roughly to the small cup of purple-ish liquid beside his bowl of soup, using his cigar, and waited impatiently for an answer. "O-oh, that's some medicine that Sensei perscribed for you. It's supposed to help with the coughing, and the sneezing, and some of the fever." Tashigi said, almost dutifully, still trying to maintain her smile.
"Hm- Ayeeee-fweew!" Smoker sneezed, launching his cigar across the room, making it hit the wall and extinguishing itself. Quickly, and with an enraged face, Smoker drank the medicine as if it was a shot of good liquor, afterwards making a face of disgust. His Ensign just stared at him from her safe spot beside the door, adjusting her glasses over her exhausted eyes. "S-so, I'll be going, now, to see if Sensei needs any- Oh, wait!" Tashigi dropped her fist into her palm, signaling to Smoker that she had remembered something. He gave her his signature frown, and rasped "What?". The Ensign grimaced slightly, knowing that her news would agitate her Commodore. "Well, w-we are going to port on the island that Strawhat was last seen... within th-the hour, sir!" She stuttered.
"WHAT?" Smoker threw the covers back, practically throwing himself out of bed, wobbling a bit at the action, and grabbing his jacket off the corner of the bed. He tossed his jacket over his back, quickly stretching his arms into the sleeves, not bothering to take off his pajama shirt that had little marine boats all over it. He was already wearing his uniform pants, so he grabbed his boots and pulled them on vigorously, not bothering to tie them before jumping back up, and pushing Tashigi away from the door. "Ah, S-Smoker! You should rest!" Tashigi stated, following Smoker down the corridor, hanging behind him by a few feet, just in case.
Before she could say another word, Smoker began barking orders at the half of the crew that was well enough to be on deck, telling them to do anything that might possibly speed up the 'Piece of crap' so he could catch that Mugiwara brat. Smoker pulled two cigars out of his jacket, shakily putting them in his mouth, and lighting them. "That's not..." Tashigi trailed off, attempting to tell him not to smoke. She notices his expression, and decides that 'don't smoke' would be her last words, if she spoke them.
Smoker stomps over to the front of the ship, watching the large island ahead as they get closer and closer. "When I see him today, I'm killing him on the spot." Smoker said to himself, unaware that Tashigi was right behind him. "Don't you think that's a little harsh, Commodore?" Tashigi asked, nervously. Though, she herself was quite tempted to draw that big red 'X' over the whole Mugiwara business and be done with it. Still, even after the past couple nights of no sleep, Tashigi felt that she should be the level headed one in the pair. That is, after she chewed up a poor innocent marine for mopping the floor.
"We'll be on the island shortly!" A marine called down from the crow's nest. Smoker winced, getting more and more irritated with his cold, and the headache that came with it. Naturally, he directed his anger towards Straw hat, of course, so he decided to quickly borrow one of the by-standing marines' gun. "Why do you need that? um, S-sir?" Tashigi asked, as the marine was unable to speak with words. Smoker coughed, then turned his unforgiving gaze on Tashigi, and rasped something that sounded like 'My devil fruit has a cold'. His Ensign nodded, believing that she understood he just didn't feel up to it, Also noting in her head that the medicine must be messing with his head, because that was NOT something Smoker would have said, reguardless of illness.
Hastily, the crew members that were well, and on deck, prepared to lay anchor in port, scattering over the deck, and completing tasks as called for. Each of the marines on board could almost taste success in finding Straw hat. They were all merely positive, despite the halved number of the crew. All of them were top of their game, until one rookie tripped over a rope and bumped into Smoker.
The Commodore's eyes burned into that marine, as he whirled around and shot him without a word. "C-commodore...?" Tashigi stepped away from Smoker in an almost unnoticeable movement, putting her hand on the hilt of her sword, just in case. Smoker shoved the gun into his pocket, widening his bloodshot eyes as he looked around at the gawking crew members, and shouted "I'm not tolerating slip-ups, understand?"
The only ones who did understand, were the sick crew members, the doctor, and Tashigi. Dealing with this vast sickness, on the Grand line no less, was not one of the easier tasks they've been faced with. In fact, Tashigi felt as if she would have done the same thing in Smoker's position. Still, holding on to the tiny bit of sanity that an hour of sleep in two days could bring, the Ensign shooed everyone back to what they were doing prior to the small snap that Smoker provided, as they layed anchor at the island and anticipation set in.
Smoker didn't even wait until everything was set, before departing the boat in a doom-like smoke body. He stopped using his devil fruit ability as soon as he reached land, as one of his feet, and his throat had gone back to their original state before he meant for them to.
The Ensign and a small group of marines exited the ship right behind Smoker, and the small group broke up even smaller as they went in two different directions. Tashigi quickly caught up with her glaringly determined boss, watching the path ahead as they blazed straight through towards the middle of the island.
A bunch of civilians tried to ask Smoker about something, but, he just deepened his frown and stomped away faster and harder, feeling himself about to kill someone.
When the duty of directing some random people fell to Tashigi, who was lagging behind Smoker by a scary distance considering the very few seconds it took to become that distance, she could also sense the possibility of commiting avoidable murder.
That's just what very little sleep does to you. It kinda makes you tick. In annoyance, and just plain insanity. If one were to have a job as stressful as catching one of the world's most wanted pirates, one might just... snap.
"GET OUT OF MY DAMN WAY!" Smoker's rough voice shouted, as a shot was fired. Blood spurted from an innocent man who had gotten in Smoker's way at the exact wrong moment. A shrill scream errupted from a woman who was peeking out her window, until she was shot. A man started shouting at her, asking iof she was okay, until he was shot. Tashigi stared silently at her Commodore, almost sympathizing as she still struggled to direct a couple of lost people.
She decided to just drop the whole thing, and let them find their own way around, and she ran to catch up with her pissed off Commodore. He was stomping further into town, aiming his borrowed gun at whoever thought themselves invincible and spoke. Tashigi thought to try and calm him, but, talking at this point might serve the opposite purpose. Instead, she did what any determined and loyal partner to a psychotic man with a gun would do: pulled out her sword, and started killing random by-standers.
In between slashes, as Tashigi still tried to catch up to Smoker, she could hear him ever-so-faintly whispering "Die... die... die painfully..." and that causes her to laugh. She doesn't understand why, but, joins in the chant herself. "Die. die without blood," She slices off a man's head, "Lingering death," She stabs a woman across her waist. Smoker looks back at her briefly, smiling a twisted smile, and taking the burnt out cigar away from his face. He places a new one on his lips, and lights it, as he shoots two people exiting the supermarket to see what the commotion was.
They strut through the rapidly emptying streets, Tashigi stabbing people that decided to cross the road at the wrong time, and Smoker shooting people with both bullets, and smoke as he could manage, when they dared to speak.
"Shot. Shot. Shot. Kill. Kill. Kill."
"Slash. Stab. Sever. Dead. Dead. Dead."
People who happened to think being on the roof, or a higher level of a building was safe were shot with absolute precision, causing their bodies to fall off and/or out of the building, leaving splatters of blood on the sidewalk, and on other people fleeing from the insanity. The streets soon filled with bodies, and their puddings, leaving very few people un-scathed.
With many, many people left in their wake, the two homicidal marines made it to the core of the island, where the small marine base for that island was located. Smoker punched the door frame outside the building, and a nervous looking female marine reluctantly opened the door and stuttered, "Y-y-y-yes? C-c-can I h-help you?" Smoker held up Luffy's wanted poster, that he magically produced from his pocket, and pointed vigorously to the image. "You seen him on this island?" Smoker growled. The marine woman shook her head 'no', almost sighing in relief that that was all he wanted.
Smoker shoved the poster back in his pocket, and stared at the ground, furious. "C-commodore?" The woman asked, making no effort to see his face, and instead hiding behind the door with only her eyes peering out.
Without warning, Smoker shot himself in the head, splattering blood and brains on Tashigi and falling to the ground un-gracefully.
The marine woman shrieks, and looks up at Tashigi. She struggled to produce words, and Tashigi put her hand on the woman's shoulder. "The only fathomable reason one so prideful as the Commodore would kill themself? He had a cold." She stated.
THE END!
HAAAAAAAH! How friggin' crooked was THAT? I love it!