Her brother had warned her not to get involved in the affairs of shemlen. He never trusted the quick children, and now she understood why.
The Commander stood still, stiff. Head bowed and anxious hands gripping at the pommel of his blade. He didn't speak, didn't dare. The elf Inquisitor read over the note he had handed her, trying to make sense of the words.
"What does this say?" she demanded, frustrated. She knew exactly what it said, but prayed to every god she could name she was reading it wrong.
"'...the dalish clan was entirely destroyed.'" he read slowly and carefully, terrified of her response.
"No." She refused to believe it, screwing up the letter between her thin hands. "You shemlen are wrong..." the elf's voice was quiet, almost a whisper, but Cullen felt every word. Shemlen. It wasn't the first time the Commander had heard that word, and definitely not the first time it had been used to address him. Elven mages from both Kirkwall and Ferelden had spat it at him, he knew not what it meant but he knew the venom it carried. But to hear it from the Inquisitor's own lips, the woman he had grown to love, cut worse than any blade ever could.
"Inquisitor..." he started, but she cut him off with a glare. Her eyes were not her own, so full of hatred and anger. Cullen was the commander of the Inquisition's armies, the brave Lion of Skyhold, but he was afraid. Afraid of Lavellan, afraid of her anger and her hurt.
"Ga rahn... Leave me," she sneered. He obeyed, bowing slightly before exiting her quarters. Once alone, Inquisitor Lavellan broke down into deep, pain-filled sobs. She thought of her brother and her Keeper and all those she called friends as her heart ached and the tears fell. She was alone in this world, her clan destroyed. She had nowhere to return to once this was over, nowhere but a graveyard. Were the Creators punishing her? Was this because she was now the Herald of Andraste? She rejected the title every time it was brought up, but that didn't stop others from using it for her.
A wave of guilt suddenly washed over Lavellan. She had no family left, but she still had the Inquisition... And Cullen, who she had called shemlen. In her grief she blamed him, even though it had been his men who chose to retreat, and it had been her who gave Cullen permission to send his troops to Wycome. She wiped away her tears with her sleeve and unscrunched the letter before heading down the stairwell.
Cullen sat behind his desk, head buried in his hands. He knew it was too good to be true. He had found someone he thought he could make a life with, but of course with his stupid luck he would fuck it up. He loved another before Lavellan. A mage in Ferelden's Circle. He knew his infatuation with her was inappropriate and never acted on it, but it seemed all he had to do was fall for a girl in order to destroy her life. The Ferelden mage had been made tranquil, or maybe she had died. Maker's breath, he didn't even remember. He was terrified the same fate would befall the Inquisitor and vowed to distance himself from her, no matter how much it hurt. But just as that thought crossed his mind, she pushed open the door and entered his quarters, as if the Maker were playing a cruel trick on him. Immediately he stood.
"Inquisitor?!" he was shocked in more ways than one.
"Commander..." her eyes were red and puffy and her skin flushed of all colour. She held the creased letter in her hand, which she kept her eyes on, refusing to meet the Commander's.
"What are you... Uh, I mean, what do you need?" he stammered, unsure how to carry himself in front of her now.
"I... I'm sorry, Commander... Cullen," she approached him, finally making eye contact, and handed him the letter. "I shouldn't have taken out my grief on you, it's not your fault..."
"No, it is my fault. I am the Commander and I take responsibility for the actions of my soldiers. I'm so sorry, Lavellan... I-I can't imagine how you're feeling..." he took the letter from her trembling hands, but kept his gaze on her. He wanted badly to hold her, to let her know he was there for her, but he kept his distance. She stared up at him for a moment, the anger and hatred had left her, replaced by a sadness he hoped he would never know.
"Cullen..." the Inquisitor whispered through shaky breath before bursting into tears. It was then that he pulled her close to him, wrapping his arms tight around her small body as she wept into his chest. "It hurts... It hurts so much..."