(Lydia Deetz and John Egbert are seen waiting by the camp entrance under a sign that says Camp Mystery)

(And eagle swoops down and takes off with a rabbit)

John: Can you believe it, Lydia? We're getting not one, not three, but four new campers today!

Lydia: Yup. It's really, truly horrifying.

John: Horrifying? What, are you afraid of making a few new friends? (Ruffles her hair)

Lydia: I'm not here to make friends, John. I'm here because camp is where kids are sent when their parents don't want to deal with them. Why do you think we return the favour when they hit seventy?

John: Hang on a sec, what are you even doing out here?

Lydia: Well, it's definitely not because the bus only comes in from the city to drop off and pick up campers and so far seems to be my only reasonable method of escaping this fucking nightmare of a camp. Definitely not that.

John: Heeeeyy... language.

Lydia: Suck a dick—

John: All I want is for you kids to have as much fun as I did when I was a Mystery camper. Is that really too much to ask?

Lydia: I refuse to believe someone as happy as you can possibly exist.

bus honking*

John: *gasp* The bus is here! (Runs up to the bus) Hello, welcome to Camp--

(He gets hit by the bus)

John: Aaaahh! (Falls to the ground)

McGucket: (opens the door) Kids are here!

(The new campers are revealed to be Coraline, Wybie, Dipper, and Mabel)

Mabel: Ha! (Jumps out the bus)

(The other three get off the bud)

Mabel: Oh yeah, smell that nature! Oh that's the stuff.

Wybie: I have freedom for two and a half months. Yes!

John: (gets up) Well hello there. You must be Wybie, and Mabel. My name is John, your camp--

(John screams in pain as Mabel bites him)

Dipper: Um, excuse me? Is this Science Camp?

Coraline: No, this is Sports Camp.

Wybie: What? No, this is Mechanics and BMX Camp. Unless my gramma lied. Again.

Mabel: This is knitting camp. (To John) Sorry about that hand by the way. Just exerting dominance, you know how it goes.

John: Uh, and you two must be Coraline and Dipper Well, you'll all be happy to know that Camp Mystery is both of th-- (he gets hit by the bus again) Aah!

(Lydia is revealed to be behind the wheel)

Lydia: Stupid prepubescent legs!

McGucket: Not today, child! (Picks her up and hands her to John) Only one driving this bus is me.

John: Ugh. Thank you, McGucket.

McGucket: You're on your own, now. Going on break, be back for the bus at noon. (Puts on a raccoon hat and leaves)

John: (sets Lydia down) Lydia, you are not leaving my side for the rest of the day.

Lydia: We'll see about that, camp man.

Coraline: (to Lydia) So what's your deal?

Lydia: *sigh* I'm just a kid trying to survive out here.

John: Now let's go check out the camp, kids!

(On the camp grounds by the flagpole)

John: The first stop on any good tour is the flagpole! I can't help but give it the official Camp Mystery salute every time I see it. Beside the flagpole is our mess hall, which-- (salutes) Oh! Sorry, saw the flag again.
Beside the flagpole is our mess hall, which is connected to the Quartermaster Store.
It's here that we'll serve meals, hold announcements, and occasionally take part in camp activities.
Tell 'em just how much you love it, Lydia!

Lydia: See, that's the sad thing. He still actually thinks that I love it.

John: And who wouldn't? Now, let's step inside and meet my co-counselour Mae Borowski, who's in the middle of a camp activity right now! Oho man, you're gonna love her. (Steps insude) Gooood morning, Mae!

Mae: Motherf*cker!

(The kids are going crazy)

(Lili and Raz are seen using their telekinesis on Dib to make him fly)

Dib: Goooo! Crank it to high, I can take the G's!

(Norman is talking with ghosts Neil and Greg are drawing on the walls and Wirt and Gaz are ignoring all of this)

Mae: Lili, you don't crank shit! Get down from there, Dib!

John: Oh dear!

Dipper: What is going on here?

Lydia: I'm telling you, if we leave now, I can hot wire that bus.

Coraline: This is amazing!

(John manages to get Dib down)

Raz: Buzzkill.

Dib: (nauseous) Oh-ho. I'm okay.

John: What the gosh darn heck happened?

Mae: Ugh, kids just, y'know, pushing me to my limits again.

Dib: I will achieve space flight and destroy all alien life forms!

Gaz: Shut up!

John: Well, we have new campers to introduce and orientate! (Pins buttons on their shirts)

Dipper: Ow.

Mae: Jesus, that's right. Okay, let's... show them the video.

John: Actually, I was thinking I could play them that song I've been--

Mae: I'm gonna stop you, right there. I'll get the laser disk. (Walks over to a storage closet)

John: O-kay! All you campers head over to the activities field for your afternoon sessions.

(The kids head off to their activities)

John: Uh-uh. Not you, Lydia.

Lydia: Dammit.

Dipper: Will someone please talk to me about Science Camp? None of those kids looked too science-y.

Coraline: What about that space-y kid?

Dipper: Astronauts, the wannabe jocks of the scientific community? Please.

(Mae wheels in a cart with an old tv with a DVR)

John: Don't you worry kiddos, this video will explain everything. (Holds up one of those black rectangle thingies)
It was put together by our founder, Stan Pines, back when I was an eager young camper just like yourselves! He was an absolute legend- (the attic door opens up and Stan steps down a ladder dressed in pajamas as the kids and Mae watch) oh, sorry, is an absolute legend. (Stan goes back up the ladder)
A savvy businessman, extraordinary philanthropist, and one heck of an adventurer if I do say so myself.
Oh, it's true, Mr. Pines doesn't often have time to come visit the camp anymore
what with him travelling the globe and, I'm assuming, saving lives. But! He'll always live on in our hearts and minds. (Stan steps down the ladder again fully clothed)
It's like the man always said: We're here to have a great summer, and camp on!
Oh, if only he were here now.

Stan: I'm here now.

John: *gasp* Mr. Pines!?

Mabel/Dipper: Hey Grunkle Stan.

John: Wh-- what are you doing here, sir?

Stan: *laughing* Well I'm certainly not hiding from any authorities if that's what you're thinking.

John: What?

Stan: Haha, come on, Johnny! You think I'd miss the opportunity to welcome our new Mystery campers to Stan Pine's Camp Mystery?

Mae: You have for years, sir.

Stan: Haha, oh Mindy, you slay me!

Mae: It's... Mae.

Stan: What did I say?

Wybie: Hey, Pines. This is Mechanics Camp, right?

Dipper: Yeah, so far every attempt to answer our questions just raises more questions.

Lydia: Hey, good for you! You're starting to catch on!

Stan: Haha, don't worry kids! These two will take you on a tour of our great camp and answer any questions you might have.

(Car screeching)

(Stan looks out the window and sees CIA Agents step out a car)

Stan: In fact, we should go on that tour right now, all of us, together, away from this spot.

(By the various camp activities)

John: Here at Camp Campbell, we pride ourselves on the variety of our curriculum.

Mae: (unenthusiastically) There's Magic Camp, Outdoors Camp, Ghost Camp, Gaming Camp, Art Camp, and lots more. Lots of stuff.

Mabel: How much more stuff?

John: Well I'm glad you asked, because (pulls out his guitar) I have a little song that I can sing--

Mae: No.

John: When Mae's not around. (Puts the guitar away)

Mae: By the way, Mr. Pines, now that you're here maybe we can discuss just exactly how we're meant to operate at this scale—

Stan: Hey, is that kid trying to escape?

(Lydia is seen running away and a dol lethal look like her is seen in her place)

Lydia: (panting) If I can just get to that bus before it heads back! (Bumps into John) Ah!

John: (holds up the doll) Looks like knitting camp wasn't as stupid as someone said, huh Lydia?

Lydia: You are the bane of my existence.

John: All right now, let's go. (Pushes her back over to the camp)

Dipper: Excuse me, what the heck is this? (Points to poorly made science equipment)

John: Ah! I see you found it. That, my friend, is science camp!

Dipper: But but but-- this isn't what I signed up for! I just wanted Science Camp, not Science Camp and more! I don't want more!

Stan: Well that's why you read the fine print, sport! See, right there. (Holds up a magnifying glass to the pamphlet) And more. Now you can't sue us!

Coraline: So, what? It's just some sort of Camp Camp?

Stan: Well I mean, I wouldn't exactly call it out like that. But yes.

Dipper: This is bullshit!

Lydia: Woah, check out the balls on new kid!

Wybie: (looks down) Where?

Dipper: I don't know what kind of operation you think you're running, Grunkle Stam, but I won't stand for it! I'm a man of science! You think you can rummage together some outdated equipment and call it a laboratory!?

Mae: Look, kid, I know it's not--

Stan: Stand down, Mandy. I'll speak to the children. Kids, I'm going to be blunt and honest with you. When I opened Camp Mystery all those years ago, I had one goal and one goal only.
To create the most popular and successful summer camp in the world!
But times have changed.
Things like the internet, video games, and the Affordable Care Act are ruining this great country of ours, and the children of today just aren't interested in a traditional summer camp.
But America isn't a traditional country! So why settle for anything less!
You've got two acceptable counsellors, one heck of a Quartermaster, and endless possibilities here at Camp Mystery. And by God, as long as I'm here--

(A car from the CIA drives onto the campground and two agents step out and start shooting at Stan, but like the Storm-Troopers, they miss)

Stan: (speaks into his phone) Code black, code black! Well, look at the time. Gotta go! (A helicopter flies over the camp and a rope ladder drops down. He holds on to the rope ladder and the helicopter flies off)

John: Sir! Where are you going?

Stan: The nearest international waters, John. Have a great summer, kids! (fading away) And camp on!

(The agents continue shooting at Stan, but he gets away, so they drive off)

Gregory: He seems nice.

Mae: Oh God it's coming back, the crippling anxiety and regret! (Falls to the ground)

John: Uh, Mae!?

MsGucket: Well, time to be getting that there bus back to that there city. (Walks away)

Lydia: Guys, that bus is our only chance out of here. Do you want to spend the rest of your summer at this godforsaken place or do you want to enjoy the sweet taste of freedom?

Mae: Why did I get a liberal arts degree?!

Dipper: Let's get the fuck out of here.

Wybie: Makin' a break for it? I can make a distraction for you.

Lydia: Why would you help us?

Wybie: I'm an agent of chaos.

Coraline: He really is.

Wybie: Hey John!

John: Yes Wybie!

Wybie: How about you pick up our spirits with that camp song you won't shut up about?

John: Well that's a great idea! (Holds up his guitar)

Mae: Oh Jesus Christ no.

John: Ooooohhh,
there's a place I know that's tucked away, a place where you and I can stay,
-where we can go to laugh and play and have adventures every day!
-I know it sounds hard to believe but guys and gals it's true, Camp Mystery is the place for me and--

Mae: The kids are gone.

(They have been replaced with life size dolls)

(Coraline, Wybie, Dipper, Mabel, and Lydia run past McGucket)

McGucket: No running.

(John and Mae run past him)

Mae: It sucks!

John-I'm sorry I'm sorry!

Mae: It always sucks!

John: I'm--

McGucket: No running.

(The kids are almost to the bus)

Lydia: There it is!

Dipper: They're right behind us!

John: Lydia, get back here! You are being a bad influence on our new campers!

Lydia: Never!

Mabel: Lydia, hurry!

Wybie: Heee-ya! (Throws his wrench at John and he falls over)

John: Ah!

Mae: (trips over John) Oof!

(They get on the bus)

Lydia: Remember this face, John, cause you'll never see it again!

(They drive the bus away)

Lydia: Hahahahahha!

(Just a few feet away from the camp grounds, the bus crashed into the Agent's car, and a Shreiff is writing John a ticket)

Sheriff: I'm getting real tired of having to come up here, John.

John: I know, Sal.

(Sal drives away)

Lydia: We were so close!

Dipper: Well, I mean in hindsight none of us really know how to drive.

Mae: Yeah, honestly Lydia, how far did you expect to make it?

Mabel: Imma be real, I just always wanted to drive a bus.

John: Well kids, I hope we all learned something today.

Lydia: Oh, no. I hope YOU learned, John. I hope you learned that before today, you only had one little bastard to deal with. But now you've got five!
Let's go, guys. I'll take you to our tent.

(They walk away)

Coraline: Woo!

Wybie: This is gonna be awesome!

Mae: This is gonna be awful.

John: Oh, come on Mae! Look at the bright side! Lydia made not one, not three, but two new friends today! (Pulls out his guitar but Mae grabs it and starts beating him with it)
Aaaaahhh!!