A Love Denied
A/N: This is the first Merlin fanfic I have wrote…and I know I should be concentrating on my Drarry mulitfic but I got sidetracked…sorry. Anyway please be kind and let me know what you think.
Summary: Five times they denied it and the one time they let it be
Merlin
I gaze up at my master, Prince Arthur Pendragon of Camelot, and I know what we are doing is wrong. It is forbidden and it is sick. What I do to him, what we do to each other, it turns my stomach. But even though it is wrong, very wrong, there are those times, rare that they are that this feels right almost as though we are meant to perform these unspeakable acts. Sometimes I wish he would take me in his arms and shower my lanky frame with soft kisses. I berate myself for these horrific thoughts of course because for him to hold me in such a way would require him to love me and he never would for I am nowt but a servant. So as he pulls his pants up and nods my dismissal, I simply walk away in shame, but not because what we do is wrong but because truth be told I don't think it is wrong, how can it be? I am shamed because I am too weak to admit my feelings; instead I deny them and carry on as though I am not in love with the future king.
Arthur
Watching my servant leave after having committed the crime of worshipping a body in such ways a man should only treat a woman's body, breaks my heart. I long to confess my undying love for my clumsy, idiotic, caring, loveable manservant. I may be a knight of Camelot but I still fear my father. He views two men in love as an evil on par with magic. But I know he is wrong, homosexuality is simply wonderful, as is magic. My Merlin is magical I know I dare not reveal what I know to him for fear that he will stop showering his affections upon my body, I know that to Merlin what we do is merely a stress relief but to me it is so much more. I deny my love for Merlin in order to keep our secret acts alive. I tell myself constantly that I do not love Merlin because the pain of that love not being returned is too great.
Gwen
I can see it. I don't want to but I can…of course I can! The lingering looks across the throne room. Those touches that last just a little bit longer than is acceptable. I don't think it wrong or sick; love whatever form it may take is beautiful. I am jealous of course I yearn for Arthur to gaze at me the way he does Merlin but he never will because I am not the one who tamed him and captured his heart. No, that was Merlin. I am merely a prop at Arthur's side and I am okay with that because so long as he is happy, besides I have Lancelot. However I dare not say anything because these two men may be hopelessly in love will not admit it to each other. So I am forced to deny what I see and what I know. But one day all shall know and I shall not deny their love, but until then, I know nothing.
Gwaine
Merlin is my best friend. I know that something is going on between him and the crowned prince, though Merlin will not confirm this, I see it. There are some mornings when Merlin greets me and seems to be his usual self but then there are those days when he is withdrawn and quiet. He constantly looks upon the future king with longing eyes. Then there was the prince's strange behaviour; he forever questions me about the young servant. I watch them interact with one another; I see how Merlin's eyes flare with jealousy when Arthurs presses a soft kiss on Gwen's lips. Then I watch as Arthurs lips form a snarl when anyone knew comes in to contact with Merlin ( I swear soon he is going to have knights guarding Merlin at all times to prevent this). If I did not know any better I would swear that the two were lovers but that is impossible isn't it? I mean Arthur loves Gwen. But then again maybe they are in love and I deny that love out of protection for my friend for it cannot be easy for him to see Arthur act as though he is in love with dear Guinevere.
Gaius
I have known young Arthur since he was born. I have watched him grow into a fine young made whom Camelot will be lucky to have as their king. Having known him so long I can read him as if he were an open book. So naturally I can see that he is in love and not with Gwen whom he professes to love. Also I have known Merlin for many years and can tell that he too has found love. It took a while to realise that they each desired the other of course but then again two men in love was never the obvious answer. I watch the two men I have watched grow from boys interact and see that neither knows how the other feels. I have also discovered that Gwen and Gwaine know the truth but have not yet voiced their knowledge, why? I know not. However I too keep what I know a secret for I know that Arthur and Merlin will come to the realisation of love on their own. So I keep quiet and deny their love exists and will continue to do so until their love is revealed.
Uther
"Merlin we need to talk" I hear my son tell his servant, I peer at them through the crack in Arthur's door, the softness in his voice has peaked my curiosity. I watch as the servant, Merlin gazes up at my son; he appears to have been kneeling, polishing Arthur's boots perhaps.
"About?" Merlin's voice was equal soft
"This. It cannot go on" Arthur's voice shook slightly as he spoke.
I hear the servant gasp and ask "why?"
I am overcome with a feeling that this is a private moment but the way Arthur looks into Merlin's eyes prompts me to stay. "It hurts Merlin?"
I hear the raven haired boy voice my concerns upon hearing this, "What hurts Arthur? Are you sick? Do you need Gaius' help?"
I watch as my son rolls his eyes irritably, "No Merlin! You colossal prat! I am hurting emotionally! God almighty could you be any thicker?" Emotionally? I do not understand. Neither does Merlin it seems as he once again voices my thoughts. I am truly unprepared when I hear my sole heir reply, "I love you, you great dolt!"
I am stunned, my son a homosexual, I think back to the way Merlin had been kneeling at Arthurs feet…perhaps he had not been cleaning his boots. I barley register Merlin saying, "you love me? Why? I am just an incompetent servant!"
I am about to barge in and command Merlin's execution, when I hear Arthur laugh softly, "no Merlin you are so much more." I see confusion flash across the servants face, " you are my friend Merlin, you are the most wonderful person I know, you have a bravery I can only dream of and you have saved my life more times than I know"
I hear Merlin begin to speak, "You mean…"
"Yes Merlin and it only makes me love you more."
Merlin looks at Arthur with love filled eyes and pulls my only son towards him, "I love you too Arthur Pendragon" I walk away from Arthurs chambers to my own when the pair begin to kiss.
As I lay in my bed, I think back to what I have just discovered, and I realise that I am not as disgusted now as I was when I first realised the truth, why? Because Arthur is my son and I only want for him to be happy. That is why I will go to Arthur tomorrow at breakfast and tell him I love him regardless of who he chooses to love and I will stand by him forever because he is my son.