It was after another argument between her and Eren. Hanji wanted to do some experiments on his regeneration abilities that Mikasa thought needlessly dangerous. Mikasa knew he was going to do it anyway, but regardless she argued with him until he stormed off, muttering something about her not needing to protect him anymore.
Mikasa decided to get some fresh air of her own and slammed open the door to the back porch with probably more force than was entirely necessary. A very surprised Jean immediately jumped up out of his chair at the sound, but relaxed when he saw who it was. She hadn't realized he'd been sitting out here. He'd likely heard a good bulk of her and Eren's discussion.
He was still looking at her, seemingly not sure how to respond to the suddenly awkward atmosphere when she let out an exasperated sigh and took the seat next to the one jean had just vacated.
"He's just so reckless sometimes," she said in a huff. She leaned forward, resting her elbow on her knee and her chin in her hand. Jean remained standing awkwardly a few moments before returning to his seat with a tch and responding.
"He's pretty much always like that. And yet the idiot's usually lucky enough to end up on his feet somehow." Mikasa grimaced a bit at Jean's disdainful tone, but she had chosen the one person to vent to who wouldn't try to defend Eren.
She'd never really spent much time alone with Jean. They'd exchange words every now and then when it was necessary and she'd eventually gotten around to thanking him for saving her life during the last expedition, but Jean always seemed to stay busy and so did she. He was a good a guy as any from their graduating class and she never really understood why he and Eren didn't get along. Mikasa's frustrations with Eren had been increasingly irritating lately though so maybe Jean was the perfect person to talk to.
"I keep thinking he'll get over it eventually. He'll realize how much needless danger he's constantly putting himself in and how much it worries the people around him and stop." Mikasa crossed her arms over her chest, shielding herself from the cool evening air. She looked up out at the sky where the first stars were starting to appear, choosing to avoid Jean's gaze. "He could at least let me catch my breath for once," she muttered into her scarf. Jean remained silent for a minute and then she felt him straighten beside her, his chair creaking from the movement.
"I really don't know how you do it, Mikasa." There was something in the tone of his voice that caused her to turn look at him. He had this stubborn look on his face, as if what he was saying was something he'd been planning on saying for a while. "You're always chasing after him. He never waits for you or even looks back to see if you're keeping up, just bounds off to get in some mess or other."
She had to admit that was an accurate summation of her relationship with Eren, especially since joining the trainees. But that's just how it had always been. Eren was all she had left and she owed so much to him.
"And?" she said. Jean's face softened and his hand moved to rub at the back of his neck.
"Aren't you tired of it? I mean when does it end?" She didn't quite know what he meant. Of course she had to follow after Eren. She had to protect him.
"He's my family." Jean gave a low chuckle at that.
"I know, Mikasa. I'm not questioning your motives, it's just—" the hand moved from his neck to clench in a fist in his lap and he took a deep breath and let it out in a huff. Then he looked right into her eyes and she'd never seen Jean look more determined.
"Look, if it were me? If you cared about me that way you wouldn't ever have to chase me. I would always stay right beside you. You wouldn't have to worry about keeping up or losing sight of me. I wouldn't ever leave you behind."
Mikasa's eyes widened in surprise. She knew Jean thought she was pretty, but she wasn't expecting such a bold declaration. She managed to hold his heated gaze for only a few moments before looking away.
"I don't know what you mean," she finally said. She heard another small chuckle from his direction.
"I like you, Mikasa." He laughed again. "I thought it was pretty obvious how I felt about you." She snuck a glance at him and noticed the faint blush dusting his cheeks and that his hand had returned to the back of his neck.
Mikasa really didn't know how to respond to that. She'd never really considered having that sort of relationship with anyone. There wasn't ever really time to consider it in between the training and the fighting and the trying to keep Eren alive. She certainly hadn't thought how to answer something like the feelings Jean was currently expressing.
"I don't know what you want from me, Jean." Her fingers moved to worry at the edges of her scarf. In her peripheral she saw him shake his head.
"No. Mikasa, this isn't about what I want." He surprised her then by moving to crouch in front of her, forcing her to meet his eyes. "What do you want? Not what you want for Eren or for humanity or any of that, what do you, Mikasa Ackerman, want for yourself?"
Mikasa inhaled sharply to respond and then realized she didn't actually know the answer.
"No one's ever asked me something like that before," she admitted in a quiet voice, slightly muffled by her scarf. The easy answer was simply nothing. Keeping Eren safe had pretty much been Mikasa's sole focus for so long. It was why she joined the trainees and the Survey Corps, why she risked her life on a regular basis fighting titans. There wasn't room for anything else. She didn't want to have anything else she could lose. She never allowed herself the luxury of dreaming of a world where that loss wasn't a possibility.
Mikasa found herself at a loss as to how this conversation had gotten so far away from the original topic.
"Then maybe you should give it some thought. Just—you should know you're allowed to want things just for yourself. You're still human." He smiled and raised a hand and tentatively stroked her hair, his fingers barely grazing her cheek. "And you shouldn't always have to be chasing after the things you want. Sometimes they might just be already right in front of you."
What did she really want? She looked into jean's eyes, half hoping she would find her answer there. She'd never noticed before but they were a nice, warm brown color and they were made all the warmer by his smile. Mikasa could feel heat rising to her cheeks even as Jean broke eye contact, standing abruptly and moving away from her.
"Anyway, you don't have to figure it out right now. Just think about it, okay? Have a good night, Mikasa."
"Good night," Mikasa barely managed to squeak out a response before Jean was through the door and back in the cabin. She leaned back in her chair and with her scarf covered the smile creeping slowly across her face. She wasn't sure if Jean could be what she wanted or even if she were capable of that sort of relationship, but he and their whole conversation had managed to get her mind off being frustrated about Eren even if just for a little bit and that was something worth thinking about.